Chapter 61

I couldn't let go of him and neither did I wish to. The principal had walked back in, and I had noted how set he was on ignoring the tension in the room. Normally I would have been a little more reasonable, I would have walked out and given them time to talk when he asked me to. But I couldn't. Even with him there I kept a tight hold on J.R's hand. My eyes purely on him. Each time I thought about walking out of that door my insides coiled in refusal. 

" I require to have a word with Mr. Amir, in private," the principal told me for the second time, but I stood still. And I wondered whether it would be impolite to ask him to call J.R by his first name. 

That's how much resentment I harboured for his father. 

" Calen just leave us, please, " he wasn't harsh about it. There was actually a sort of understanding on his aged features, as if he could relate with me. I sighed and looked at where our hands were linked, and when I looked at J.R I found him staring at me. 

" I'll come find you. You know where, " he told me. Then he slowly loosened his hold on my hand and let go. 

I had to force myself to leave that room. 

I stood outside for a bit before I slowly made my way to our spot. Sitting down on the log and burying my head in my hands. 

He was truly back. It felt too good to be true. I had so many questions, so many things to tell him that I didn't even know where I would begin. Tapping my foot restlessly on the ground I waited for him come join me. He took longer than I had expected, but I waited because I knew he would come. 

The sound of soft footsteps on dried leaves made me suddenly look up. He had a black t-shirt on over the jeans, his green eyes focused sorely on me. And when he got to where I was he looked around the place. Then he finally sat down next to me and placed his head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around him, taking in deep breaths because I needed his scent to flood my mind.

" How often have you come here?" he asked me and I shook my head and told him that was the first time I had gone there since he left. He glanced up at me with raised brows. 

" Hurt too much, " I briefly explained and we left it at that because if anyone could understand, it was him. 

" Aliyah never told me you were going to return, " 

I talked to his sister quite a lot, and I didn't understand why she hadn't informed me about this very crucial detail.

" I intended it to be a surprise, "

" Then you can consider me genuinely surprised...and happy, "

I felt him smile, he moved impossibly closer and tucked his head into the crook of my neck. Then he kissed the skin there and I closed my eyes. That was the gentle sort of magic my soul had been craving. But the love of my life was still hurting. I could feel it, all he had to do was peg me with one of his stares and I could clearly see that he hadn't yet healed. I placed my palm on his cheek and made him look at me. My eyes instantly fell to his lips, I brushed my own over them. Then I waited till he looked at me before I spoke. 

" How long do I have you for this time?" 

Because with everything that had been happening, I was starting to doubt whether forever was truly in our cards. He told me he had only returned to do his exams. So about five days. I slowly nodded while trying to hide my disappointment. Because I suppose five days was better than nothing. He grew silent after that, literally didn't utter a word. 

And when I looked at him I could tell he was lost in his own thoughts, it was as if he was thinking something over and over. I moved, shifted until I was kneeling Infront of him. My hands on his thighs and my eyes searching for him. 

" Do you wanna talk about it? If not then that's fine, " 

We would be starting our exams the next day, I didn't want him to do those papers while his mind was still trapped back in his home. He lightly traced his fingertips over my face, my neck, then he leaned down and kissed me once more. I kissed him back, but then I broke it and drew back. Knowing very well he was trying to evade my question.

" I'm here, just please talk to me, "

He turned away from me and closed his eyes. 

" I'm throwing my coin in the wishing well...I wish to hear your voice. You know you have me J.R, tell me what's bothering you and let me try to help, "

His lips parted and I watched as the lower one began to tremble. I laced our fingers together and occupied the space between his knees, then I simply waited while he tried to collect himself.

" Will you ever forgive me?" He suddenly asked and I frowned in confusion. 

" J.R?"

" I should have fought harder, stood my ground. But I was too scared, and because of that I let him pull me away. I let him try to erase you from existing in my mind..." 

With a finger to his lips I shushed him. I know I ought to have listened but I couldn't bear to. Not when he was blaming himself for everything that had happened. And I didn't exist in his mind, I rather lived in his heart the same way he lived in mine. 

He wrapped his hand around my wrist and very gently pulled my hand away, which allowed him to talk. But first before he said anything he tapped the space next to him on the log and asked me to sit. I did so unwillingly because I liked how my previous position granted me a full view of his features. But then when I sat I understood why he had asked me to. 

He lay his head on my lap and closed his eyes. A position I was familiar with, he had once told me he liked it because it always managed to soothe him, to calm him down. Leaning down I grazed his ear with my teeth and he smiled. 

" I missed this," he confessed. It had been a month since he left, all those days not having him with me, I honestly don't know how I managed to make it through them. Because I only felt alive when I was with him,when I was able to touch him so freely. 

" Me too, " 

I smoothed my fingers over his hair for a while and I didn't stop until he glanced up at me and reached out with his hand. Clearly he also needed the contact, his body must have also been screaming for the simple gift of touch. 

I once again found myself wondering what had happened to him while he had been away. It was clear that he didn't want to talk but I needed to know something first, otherwise I wouldn't be at ease. I placed my thumb lightly on his lip and pierced him with a serious look. He must have sensed what I was about to ask because he attempted to look away,but I didn't let him. I held him in place with a hand on his cheek. 

" Look at me, " I whispered when he darted his gaze away. It took him a few seconds but he finally did as asked. 

I parted my lips but he shook his head before I uttered a single word. But I wasn't going to have any of that, he liked to self destruct. He was going to hold all those emotions in and then one day in the near future he would be unable to contain them anymore and he'd start acting frantic. 

" Was it him?" 

That was all I could ask. I waited for him to reply, shocked at how angry I was starting to get when I thought about his answer to that question. He nodded and I fisted my hand. The primal need to protect him, to shield him from pain taking over. Consuming me whole. 

He was mine to protect.

Mine to love. 

Mine to keep happy.

My sweet J.R was mine. And so having to comprehend that someone, HIS OWN FATHER, had dared to lay his hands on him...it made me boil with rage. J.R sat up and ran a hand over his face, then he asked me not to worry about it since it was in the past. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. I wasn't usually a violent person but I wished for his father to hurt. I looked at him and shook my head. 

" No offense my JR, but I detest your father with a passion that cannot be tamed. And each time I look at you it roars wildly within me, " I wasn't going to lie. That was the sad truth.

I looked at his lip and squeezed my eyes shut, then I took in a sharp breath and leaned closer... brushing my lips against his for what felt like the millionth time. J.R dug his fingers into my skin.

" Does it hurt when I kiss you? " Cradling his face in my hands I waited for his honest response. 

" No Calen Silverstein..." he gave me the most subtle smile, "... It hurts when you stop. " he whispered. I captured his lips with mine. It was the most delicate of caresses.