Chapter 47

In the end I ended up doing what he said, I stripped and with shaky movements I stepped into the freezing water that had allegedly been purified. I winced the instance my skin touched the liquid, and the deeper I got into it the more I felt my bones contract. The more I clawed for any memory of him.

" I love warmth.." the statement rang in my mind over and over. I saw flashes of him.

Smiling.

Swimming.

Teasing.

Writing.

I saw flashes of him being him. My teeth chattered and my entire body began to shake. My father never left the room after that, he stayed there and watched on. He watched as this stranger recited his incantations over and over, calling me words such as unfit and lost. 

But I had found a place within myself where I couldn't feel...a place where I could live with HIM. The source of both my joy and pain. 

And I was proud of myself for not shedding any tears, until afterwards when I watched Dafiq leave and return with a pair of scissors and a hair clipper. 

There was only so much pain I could withstand. 

" No, " I said on realizing what he planned to do, it shouldn't have bothered me as much. I had cut my own hair short in previous times...this time was different however. 

" Please, don't.."

" Silence!" was the one word response I got. 

I wanted to stand and find a way out of there but father came over and held me down by my shoulders.

Closing my eyes I let the tears fall...and they fell with perfect harmony with my hair. The second Dafiq and my father placed their hands on me I squeezed my eyes shut. No one had the right, the freedom to touch me however they pleased apart from Calen Silverstein. And memories are important, but they picked that precise moment to taunt me.

" It's so dark, "

" I beg your pardon?"

" Your hair...it's so dark. Like gleaming tar. Each time I'm this close I'm tempted to dig my fingers into its curly mass. "

I suppose it hurt because that was an aspect of me that he had loved. And now it was simply another thing that my father had taken from me.

It hurt. And I found myself thinking about Aliyah's offer. 

But then how could I possibly carry through with it. I'd have no means of provision, and I'm certain that even if I went and lived with my aunt Faiza, my father would eventually know. And I'd simply get her into trouble as well...which would lead to my mother getting into trouble considering that it was her sister. My father would no doubt think she had been behind it. 

Fleeing was out of the question. 

But I no longer wanted to be there either. I never had, not even when I was young. The second I had realized who I truly was I had also realized that I would never fit in. And I had bottled up all those feelings inside me, wondering what to do with them. 

I suppose that's why I had accepted Calen's offer when he had first asked me to break down my barriers. I consented because deep down I had been wanting to do so but never knew how. 

Later that day, after Dafiq had completed his rituals, they had left. I was still in the tab, so used to the chilly water that it now felt warm against my skin. I felt weak, fatigued and broken,but I managed to get out. Wrapping a towel around my waist I went to the vanity sink and held onto it with both my hands. Then I slowly looked up and into the mirror. He had been kind enough to leave behind a short layer of hair. 

His idea of mercy I suppose. 

I placed my hand on my head and withdrew. My lip was slightly split and my nose still hurt a bit. Aliyah hadn't been lying when she said that place would end me. 

Walking back to the tab,I drained it. Then I found a brush and scrubbed the inside with whatever little power I had, not wanting any remnants of the ' purified water ' in there. After I termed it clean I ran some hot water and I stepped in again, not caring to cool it. I needed to feel the burn, to be sure that it washed away any part that had been touched by the previously mentioned water. I grabbed a bar of soap and a sponge and I scrubbed myself until my body turned pink. Then I went and got dressed and I got into my bed with his blazer in my hand and his clean scent in my mind. 

" I need you, " I whispered the words. Telling them to the dark space that surrounded me. I felt like a cracked shell. A being with a fractured mind. I couldn't even blame may father, he was who he was because of the environment he had grown up in. It had honed him into the ruthless person that he currently was. 

I however refused to suffer the same fate. I refused to find my joy in the weaknesses of others. I refused to be governed by rules that were clearly not fair. 

As I had once read, culture is a thing of beauty. So whatever ugly thing was being done to me, the cleanse, was not because of culture. It was rather because my father was in denial and he was trying to find a way to turn me into who he wanted me to be. Who he thought I ought to be. 

But how could he expect me to give my heart and loyalty to a community that despised who I was? Besides, those two things were not theirs to receive. They already had an owner and despite the distance, they would forever be his. 

❄️⭐❄️⭐❄️⭐

I don't know how, but I managed to make it to the end of that week. Though I still feared that with each day that passed, Dafiq managed to slice off another part of me. And I feared that by the time he was done there would be nothing left of the Jerald I had been.

This was the physical cleanse . 

What would happen when we started on my mind, what kind of absurdities would he attempt to carry out on my soul after that. Because that aged man believed himself to be capable of changing me. Of molding me into the kind of person that would perfectly align with my father's expectations.

And I believe that was the first time I realized just how grave of a mistake I had done when I let him lead me out of Seville. I ought to have fought until he gave up.

I had been studying all my life, and now that I had been that close to finally graduating he had simply pulled me out. What was I expected to do? I'm certain that after the dust had settled he was planning on calling Salim back, then I'd continue to be homeschooled until I was done. And he was an emperor,he had his ways of ensuring I'd graduate and get the certificate.

After which he'd start training me to rule. A thought I couldn't swallow since that would mean me being in his company for hours on end. He'd find the smallest things to complain about no doubt. And whatever faith he had previously put in me had now vanished. Which means he'd be tougher on me. 

So what would happen after that? I'd marry and be expected to settle down?

The mere thought of it had a shudder coursing through my veins. 

That following Monday I waited for Dafiq to step into my room, but he never came. He was always in my room by six, so when the clock hit eight I concluded that he wouldn't be coming. I was thirsty. My throat was dried. And I still had to observe the fast for the whole of that day, but then I damned it all and I grabbed a glass from my bedside table and headed into the washroom, turning on the faucet I filled it all the way up and drank. 

Then I walked over to the curtains and I drew them all. The light that suddenly filled my room almost blinding.

I had really missed the sun. I stared at my balcony. If I went out then that would be stretching things too far. Most of the people didn't even know I was back yet. I had been there for over a week yet I hadn't even seen my younger siblings. Those little children each held a small piece of my heart, I had taken care of them throughout my entire seventeen years of life. But they most likely didn't even know that their older brother was back. I had bought them all gifts which were back in Seville. 

Gifts they'd never receive.

Not because I was never going back there, but rather because I was planning to leave. That grand house wasn't my home, and next time I saw Aliyah, I'd give her my consent to help me. Anywhere was better than Rabdah. I'd rather fend for myself out in the streets.