Chapter 32

Then he played this tune that was unlike any he had played before. It was so fun and hyped and lively, and he laughed so much I couldn't help but join him in the laughter. The movements of his hands were fast yet controlled, I couldn't keep up with him if I tried. I was leaning against the headboard of his bed. One leg on the sheets and the other hanging over the edge. He moved towards me and took a second to pause and kiss my forehead before he went on. 

I clapped once he was done. He placed his violin carefully in the case then he came and basically jumped on the bed.

This was the fun J.R. The playful version of him I had seen only a few times. It never lasted long but I liked that. The fact that it was a rare sight made it all the more special.

" Let's go shopping next weekend," he turned to his side and locked our fingers together.

I muttered an ' okay ' admist my laughter and listened as he told me about how a member of his team had almost fallen off his horse because he had been busy looking at a girl who had come by.

" She's Fred's daughter, he's the one that cares for the horses. But the girl is barely fifteen I tell you. "

He was so happy. Delight unfiltered. 

And that was actually one of the last times I had heard him laugh like so.

This is not a phrase I often use, but I wish I had known.

                             💮🌼💮🌼💮🌼

That Saturday afternoon it was drizzling and I assumed J.R had changed his mind about the shopping trip we had agreed on earlier that week.

But he had not forgotten, and he insisted that we go. He didn't know where but neither did he care, all he wanted was for me to take him some place where we would be able to admire and possibly buy new things. So we got into my car and simply rode off. I drove us to this shopping mall an hour away and we toured the place. Walking into stall after stall.

It was more fun than I had thought it would be. I was a sucker for the fascinating look he wore each time he saw something new that he liked. And he bought anything that caught his eye. 

" Buy out the entire mall why don't you? " I casually joked when he pointed at a laptop on the display window. A very expensive one that too. He didn't seem to hear what I said, instead he held my hand and dragged me inside. He ended up buying it, as well as a pair of headphones I doubt he ever really used. 

And when we left the store he looked around, as if desperate to find somewhere else to go and waste cash, because that's what he was doing, he was spending when he didn't need to. 

" You already have a laptop, and a blender, and you neither wear hats nor rings.....so tell me my J.R, what's wrong?" I asked when he wanted to drag me into a clothes store. He didn't reply, instead he tried to pull me in, but I planted my feet on the ground and narrowed my gaze at him. Silently asking him to stop. A warning that was serious in as much as it was affectionate.

" He dropped the shopping bags in his hand, there was as I said, a laptop and a blender in there but he dropped it like it was stuffed full of cotton wool. Then he reached into his pocket and took out a stack of bills. Money that was probably enough to buy ten more laptops and about fifteen blenders. Then he fisted a hand into my t-shirt and moved closer. He had become strangely comfortable with being all affectionate in public, so he didn't mind where we were.

And when I looked at his eyes, that green looked haunted and bothered. 

" This is his idea of love Calen Silverstein, I want to actually try and feel it because I never have. "

After he said that he picked up the shopping bags and walked into another store. I stood there, in the middle of the mall, trying to wrap my mind around his words. I understood what he felt because it was the same case with me. But what was I supposed to do? So I followed him inside and sat on this couch and I watched him pick clothes he would never wear from the racks....I never joined him. He picked piece after piece from each isle he went to. I crossed my arms and waited, because in the three months I had known him, I had witnessed this sort of behavior about two times. As odd as it might be, this was his way of dealing with things that he didn't want to deal with. Things he had bottled up inside him for so long that it became impossible to contain them anymore. 

The first time I saw this version of him, he had gotten a 98 on a maths test. Yet he had been sure that he wouldn't fail a single question. He had kept quiet throughout the lesson and hadn't said a thing, he was the first in the test and so people thought he must have been brilliant. But then I had seen for the two days that followed just how confused he looked. 

" But I did it how it ought to be done, I've gone through it over and over and I still get the same answer. Plus Jamie wrote down the same thing and he got it right, " he told me a week later. 

A week.

That's how long he had been thinking about it and it was how long it had taken for him to get it off his chest. He didn't want to consult with the teacher. And that's when I first realized that he was afraid of conflict, even conflict with himself. J.R saw that a certain feeling or thought would make him uncomfortable so he pushed it away instead. 

But it always bottled over. 

He stopped picking the clothes from the racks and turned to face me. Same haunted look in his face. He was holding a cashmere sweater that he stared at for the longest while. Saying nothing even when I expected him to. So I stood and beckoned him toward me. 

" Come here, " was all I said. And it was all he needed to hear. He came towards me, walking straight into my open arms. Then he blew out a breath and chuckled after a while.

" I'm gonna have to return it all, aren't I?" 

" Yap."

" Even the hair dye?"

" Especially the hair dye. I felt like strangling that salesman when he recommended it!"

We laughed. He was perfect for the most part and I liked that, but I loved his odd imperfections even more. 

" Did you feel the love my J.R? " 

I was serious again and he shook his head after a heartbreaking exhale. Inching impossibly closer to me.

" And do you recall what you told me in the cabin that time I felt like I was alone?"

He drew back just enough to peer into my eyes, then he smiled his sweet smile and nodded. 

" Good. Now tell me what you think I'm about to say. "

He laid his head back on my shoulder and I heard him breathe me in. 

" I have you. "

I ran my hand up and down his back.

" Yes you do. "

We spend a total of about an hour returning the things he had bought. But apparently the blender and laptop were stuck with him as a result of some policy the store had. I tease him about it and he playfully nudged my shoulder. And after we were done I held him by his nape and led him towards the stairs. 

" Now how about we go and try to do some actual shopping? Then later we can order more food than we can eat and have you pay for it all since you decided to turn into a walking bank today. "

And we did.

                        💮🌼💮🌼💮🌼

Even when he was at his lowest his mind was preoccupied with the wellbeing of others. 

That's what I thought as my J.R bought food for this group of street children outside the mall. It was before we began our ACTUAL shopping. He told me there was something we needed to do first and before I knew what was happening, we were carrying out bags of food to the little kids who had been so grateful the sight of them was heartwarming. Two literally shed tears. 

And he showed them this place to sit. It was the edge of a fountain, and he had them sit on the side that would guarantee no water splashed on them, then before he left he went down on his haunches in front of them and said.