Chapter 21

"...It began as a startled sob, shaking her until she was forced to place a hand over her mouth. The other arm she wrapped around herself protectively. And with weakened knees she fell in a heap on the floor beside him and let the pain take over. The pain. It was a raw and living thing. She felt it digging its talons into her chest and trying to pry her apart. The sobs shook her until she could no longer breathe. She felt suffocated and alone, because she actually was. " 

Calen closed the book and placed it underneath his pillow, then he turned to face me and placed a hand on my side.

" And that, my J.R, is the heartbreaking end, "

his voice was low. And I could see that his mind was still on the book, so was mine.

" I don't like bad endings, " I confessed and he forced a smile.

" I'm certain that many share in your views. "

I didn't let the actual state of our current situation bother me. I didn't think about the fact that I was sleeping next to a boy who I liked in a way that wouldn't be considered natural. 

Rather I thought about how alive being beside him made me feel. And how we only had six months. And how I would have given anything to get more than that limited time with him. So I did what the couple in that book had done, I let my heart take over. And I moved closer to him, so close that only an inch separated us.

" You like tragic endings?" I asked and instead of replying, he kissed my forehead and lay down on his back, then without using words he urged me to move closer.

" Not necessarily. But I like books that move you, the kind of literature that makes you live in this imaginary world with fictious characters that might as well be real. "

I nuzzled into his neck and he chuckled, his hand in my hair and the other on my back. He wasn't wearing a shirt, which meant I had more skin to touch.

" I read the book you asked me to. "

" Is that so?" 

I nodded, then he gently tugged my hair so that I could look at him.

" And what did you think? "

There was this anticipation in his lovely brown eyes. And a slight dread as well.

So I rested my palm on his chest and reached up to kiss him. It was brief and I cut it short before I was driven into doing anything I would have possibly regretted. But despite how brief it still had my heart racing with need.

" I think the writer and I share a lot of views. But just like the book, our views won't be accepted by all audiences. "

He sighed. Then he reached above him and switched off the light in the room.

" Switch on the bedside lamp, " he instructed and I did as asked.

Unlike most of the other students, I was actually allowed to keep my lights on for as long as I wished. Some of the added advantages of being a prince I assumed. But Calen didn't need to know that.

And I liked the dim light from the lamp, it was almost golden and it gave the room this sense of warmth.

" You're my greatest joy, my darkest desire and my most sacred fantasy. But you are also my biggest fear, " he whispered close to my ear. His fingers tracing patterns on my arms and his eyes cast on the ceiling above. I didn't know what to say, and I recalled that some times silence was the best response one could give.

" Are we still spending the entire day together tomorrow?" I asked and his attention came back to the present. 

" Of course, there's no way you'll get out of it so don't even try. "

" Good. There's nothing I'll love more. "

We talked for a while after that. He told me that he had been living in that school since he was nine. That his parents had always been busy so they thought that was the best choice. And as he spoke I could tell that it was a sensitive subject. That he rarely if ever talked about it. Yet he was sharing this information with me. 

Because he trusted me. Because he didn't want there to be any sort of secrecy between us. And I wished more than anything to be able to do the same. 

In that moment it felt like the entire world was asleep,like we were the only two souls left awake. And I liked that feeling. And before I drifted off to sleep he kissed me again, and I heard him utter the words, " I want more conversations with you in the dark, my J.R, "

And then I made it off to sleep. Feeling more satisfied than I had ever been.

                              💮🌼💮🌼💮🌼

I dreamt of him. I always dreamt of him, but this time it was different, it was more detailed and erotic. And it had my heart pumping and my breathing heavy.

I shifted and turned on the bed, the thoughts I had of him flooding my mind. The blood seeming to all flow south. And in the dream I thought that I would go wild with desire. But then I heard him call out my name, and he tapped me until I woke up. 

A thin layer of sweat covered my entire form and my heart was still pounding in my ears.

I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw were his eyes, studying me intently from above me. His hands planted firmly on either side of my head and this knowing look on his face. 

I looked down where the proof of his effect on me was clearly on display. My arousal forming a tent on my sweats. Calen followed my gaze and then looked at me with a familiar look. That same intense hunger. 

I froze, the entire situation making me unexplainably uncomfortable. And all I wanted to do was go somewhere else. Somewhere where the surrounding wasn't coated in his distinct clean scent. Like fresh rain in a mildly scented flower garden. He touched my cheek and I panicked, trying to find a way off the bed and out of the room that now seemed smaller. 

But then he held both my hands and pinned me down. 

" Let me go! " I don't believe I have ever used that tone of voice with either him or anyone before.

It was harsh. Almost like a warning. But he didn't seem at all perturbed. Instead he held me in place and asked me to calm down.

I found it impossible to do so. I think it was fear, and the reality that the situation presented. It was like a message, that there was no going back now. And I was scared because I knew that I had to go back. Eventually I would have no choice but to go back. I said a lot of things to him, I can't recall half of them but they were a desperate attempt to get him to let me be.

" Calm down, come on... Jerald ! "

I stilled. Watched as his eyes flickered across mine and as the intensity of his grew.

That had been the first time he had called me Jerald, and I didn't like it. Because like he had said on the first day we met, it wasn't special. 

To him I wasn't Jerald....but rather his J.R. 

" Relax, " he calmly instructed and I took in several deep breaths.

" There , that's it. Good. "

He placed his forehead on mine and breathed in sync with me. His way of showing that he was there. That he understood.

And once he was sure that I was fine, he lay back down on his side.

" I'm so--" 

" Don't apologise, there's no need. "

" I think there is, " I countered and he turned his head to the side and away from me. The move bothered me so much I asked him to look at me.

" You're afraid of intimacy, " he said. 

There was no judgement in his tone, just understanding. I sat up on the headboard and ran a hand across my face.

" There's nothing to be ashamed of J.R, I assure you that it's completely normal. "

It was hard to have that sort of conversation while he was lying next to me looking so attractive and irresistible. And close....he was way too close.

And despite the fit I had just had, I felt my arousal as it began to form again. All it took was listening to his voice, and looking at him on my bed.....in my sheets. And smelling him in the space around me.

" But perhaps we ought to have considered the consequences of this decision. Next time we'll---" 

I cut him off with a kiss. And it was desperate and hungry. And he returned it with equal vigour.