My empty arms

On March 17, 2020 I woke up feeling weird at 29 weeks pregnant, but since I was a new mother, I couldn't tell that my baby was about to be born prematurely and I thought I was just having stress. My husband went to work at 3 in the afternoon and after half an hour I felt something hot and it stopped me, to my surprise, I broke my water, I became a ball of fear and nerves.

I went with my mother-in-law to the clinic and my mother along with my aunt and a relative ran, walked to the clinic, I left with nothing at hand or a pampers, I left everything at home "my nerves."

I arrived at the emergency room and I couldn't even speak I left in tears I knew something was wrong I felt it when the doctor checked me I was 3 centimeters dilated and the baby was sitting up, I had almost no amniotic fluid. And they put me in the operating room for an emergency cesarean section, they put the epidural on me and to be honest I only felt a pinch in the bone. When the anesthesia took effect, they proceed with the cesarean section.

At 4:45 with 3.5 lbs. Via Caesarea, with my nerves on edge, praying to God for everything to come out, I closed my eyes and opened them full of tears when I heard her cry at that moment I felt more afraid, it was my mother, but my baby was not well, I saw him from afar crying curled up and They took him away without even "kissing him and telling him mommy is with you."

I spent an hour in the hallway alone without knowing what was happening with my baby and I asked all the nurses and doctors who passed by me and they told me she is stable but hopes are few then they took me to the room and not sleep for the discomfort and the uncertainty of knowing how my baby is all the babies that cried I thought it was my little one it was the longest night of my life the next day they wake me up my mother helps me to bathe I was eager to see my baby arrive the doctor and everything became strange my baby got worse but nobody told me anything my conscience told me to run to see him.

But I was very weak due to the cesarean section, my husband tells me that the baby is bad and that we must prepare for whatever happens, but in truth my baby had died only he did not have the courage to say it. Then they tell me the doctor did everything she could right at that moment my world fell apart, I was surrounded by my family, everyone was talking and I did not know about me alone because of the great pain I felt. I asked that they let me see my little one.

I saw my little boy without life I did not say anything I was silent with my husband and I cried my son was in front of me and he did not cry he wanted to die for me. I didn't hear anything they said at the time, nor do I remember until now.

The next day back home with empty arms and a cesarean section. Oh my God, I don't wish this on anyone!

My body began to react because I gave birth and the body does not know that the baby is not alone, it reacts my breasts were filled with milk plus the pain of the cesarean section, but the greatest pain in my soul I had support from all my beings dear.

Even so, I had no consolation, I had no desire to continue living, my husband cried with me at dawn (we still do sometimes). I tell him that it is difficult. I have no purpose in life I just let the days go by crying and crying as many times as necessary it was my son that my little one died. I know I'll get over it as time heals everything.

I try to be in front of people with a good smiling face, but inside I am still just as devastated today I write this testimony in order to close the chapter of the most painful moment of my life and only remember the beautiful experience I lived with my pregnancy before what happened.

I also want to tell you that if you are close to someone who had a loss, do not say anything "just a strong hug is enough" for wanting to say a few words of encouragement can end up making you feel worse "don't say anything. "

I hope and my testimony serves those who need it