Affection

"What's the matter, sweetie? Is there something important to call me here?" Mother asked me. I could tell she was irritated, which was the usual expression she'd give whenever she talked to me, so I didn't mind. 

"Mother," I said, hesitating to ask the question I had been yearning to find an answer to.

"Hm? Yes, what is it?" Her face was pale, like usual. She seems like she wants to finish the conversation as soon as possible even though we just started. 

After some continuous hesitation, I finally laid it out for her. ".... Do you love me?"

She flinched after hearing what I had just asked, "O-of course, sweetie. What mother doesn't love their son?"

"I don't believe you, mother." I elaborated.

"You're right, though, what mother doesn't love their son?" I threw the question back at her, "Only you, mother," she stared back at me, mirroring the expression I was giving her. 

I continued, "Only you, only you would neglect your son, avoid your son and not give any affection towards your son," my eyes watering up as I was feeling myself in the moment.

"You've always chosen Suzuki over me, mother. I know you're busy, I know that you try your best to make time for us at home. But why do you always want to spend time with Suzuki? It's always with the "I love you so much, mommy's here to protect you. Aww, who's a good little boy? Awhh you're so smart!" It's frustrating, mother. I've been listening to the same repetitive words and none of them were directed at me. I've tried so hard to be good, to make you proud, to be your better son. Even still, you don't acknowledge any of my efforts. Why do you treat Suzuki so much better than me? I'm your son too, I was the first, shouldn't I be loved more?" I stumbled over my words as I cautiously chose them. 

Her head faced down, she couldn't look at me, "I just don't get it, mother. That's why I want an answer from you, so that I can stop trying to win over your approval."

I asked the burning question once more, "Do you love me?" 

She opened her mouth, but couldn't get a single word out of it. Finally, she answered, "I do."

I found it hard to believe. She hesitated so much. Would a mother who truly loves her son hesitate at such an important question? Although, I was glad that she gave me that answer. 

"I'm sorry, son. I had never realized you felt this way, you were so moody that I thought I needed to give you some space. Whenever I'd come to you, you'd always push me away. Maybe I was too late by then. I hope you understand, son. Suzuki is just a baby. I had no time to truly show you that I cared. And for that, I hope that you can forgive me, Jun." Her words left me stunned and I stared at her with silence and the widest eyes she had ever seen of mine. 

"... I forgive you. I'm also sorry, I guess I may have just been blind to your affection," my smile was released from the stoic face I had. I gave her the biggest hug I could muster as we both exchanged our tears.

A mother's warmth is something that I had always been craving for.