Confusion

"If you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you."- Nietzsche

--------------------------

Who am I? Where am I? What am I doing here? A standard series of questions that anyone having an identity crisis would face appeared in my mind as I tried to make sense of anything, muddleheaded as I was.

My mind began to race as I stared into the abyss of darkness that surrounded me. The only sensations accompanying this void of nothingness was the slight dampness weighing down on presumably my wet clothes and a barely audible sound of flowing water. A steady flow of memories into my brain allowing me to maintain any semblance of reason and knowledge one can have in such an outrageous situation. Oh yes, an outrageous situation indeed. After all, its not every day that a modern twenty first century human being wakes up stranded in nothing but darkness to keep him company. Yes, the inflow of memories had considerably slowed down the confusion I was facing as I had this information to keep me busy for a while. Of course, the highly muted emotions resulting in a more indifferent response than a 'normal' human being was also a factor. If I was still a human being that is, only time will tell.

While I digested the information I answered some questions and gave rise to more questions. Yes, from what I gathered, I was an undergraduate student studying chemistry before I ended up in this abyss. Now, I might have been abducted and locked up in some cave by a maniac but for whatever reason, my mind denied this possibility. Then I thought of the concept of transmigration from the myriad of fictional stories that the memories presented. Outrageous as it was, I believed it to be more likely. Though again, this realization didn't induce much excitement as it might've before my transmigration, if I really had that is. Everything was merely a guess. Rather what I felt was a more primal curiosity about everything happening in this mystical event, like a new-born facing infinite possibilities about the uncertain future he or she would face. Granted, I had a huge advantage over a new-born with about 23 years' worth of knowledge at my disposal.

The memories pertaining to myself as a person were not very clear or detailed. I had no clue about my name or family if any at all. But at the very least, the 'who am I' was answered, if only partly. Besides that, I remembered plenty of scientific knowledge, books, movies and fiction. In fact, just 'remembered' would not do it justice. I could remember all these clearly if I focused on it.

The 'what am I doing here' can be put on hold for now until further information to verify my assumptions is available.

The most pressing question to answer was where I was. Wherever I was, at the very least I seemed to be clothed. If I ran out of this abyss and faced any sentient civilization, I would have faced social death otherwise. Even my slightly more muted emotions would not have stopped such embarrassment. I also did not know if people in this world spoke the same language I did. Then again, these concerns were relatively far away. I should focus on understanding my surrounding better.

With that in mind, I started crawling through the narrow spaces I was in and towards the sound of flowing water, the only other sense I had to guide me. The terrain seemed to keep inclining upwards ever so slightly as kept trudging forward. I kept thinking as I moved along ever so slowly. Whenever I was exhausted I stopped and lied down to rest. Not that there was enough space for much else.

This had been bugging me for a while now, but there seemed to be something present in my consciousness, in the deepest depths of my mind. I know I did not possess it in my earlier life. With a cursory glance it gave of a divine and mystical feeling. I did not know what it was and I decided not to dig any deeper. I was already tired and mentally exhausted from everything that was going on and I sure as hell did not want to delve more into something completely unknown. Yeah, I was not suicidal and thus definitely not a fan of courting death.

This cycle of crawling, climbing and resting lasted for god knows how long. Time had already lost its meaning for me. For all I know it could have been a year since I woke up here. Though realistically, I preferred it to be a only a few hours. Blind optimism seemed to be the key to maintaining sanity here.

As I treaded on forward, I seemed to be finally getting closer to the sound of flowing water. But when I finally neared it, I felt a closeness to the water, like it was supposed to have a connection to me. At the same time the primordial fear creeping into me indicated if I really touched it as I was, what awaited me was an end of deformity, insanity and whatever else. Like the consequence of a mortal facing a Lovecraftian entity in the Cthulhu myth that I had read. I did not know why this was but I chose to trust my instincts. Again, as I said, I was not keen on courting death.

The flowing water seemed to be a small tributary spreading out from the depths of the abyss. The good news was the further incline upwards from nearby the stream of water. I was once again on my way forward without turning back towards the stream. At the same time, I had a vague feeling I would stand here once more in the distant future.

Shaking off the messy thoughts, I climbed upwards while drawing out all the strength my body had to offer. As I saw a faint light ahead, I climbed towards it. When I finally climbed out and my eyes adjusted to the trace amounts of light, I seemed to make out a that I was in room. The room was very messy. There was a wide aisle here, and on both sides were rooms of different sizes. The walls were grayish-white. The tables and chairs inside were toppled, some were fine and others were broken in half. The walls were covered with black streaks. It seemed to be a research facility. I quickly found a room with a destroyed machine. There were a few pieces of paper on the table that had a yellow tint to it.

At the moment I thought of these words, I felt a sense of déjà vu.

The dim yellow light dispersed the darkness inside as I picked up the few pieces of paper and quickly scanned them. To my surprise and comfort, the text was written in English. It read-

[…Research of the appearance of oil in a dried-up oil field… Why would they need to build a research facility in such an unimaginable place for such matters?

…God, what did they discover deep in the oil field…

…This is some amazing material…

…What exactly happened? The doctor turned into a puddle of black oil in front of me!

…More and more people have turned into oil. This research facility has been sealed from the outside… No one can leave. No one can leave…

…Mad, they've all gone mad. We're still normal, but our food is almost running out…]

The second I finished reading, I understood why I felt the déjà vu. My new crystal clear memory pointed me to where I read this piece of information before. The earlier indifference keeping me calm was blown away as I tried to but failed to deny the conclusion I had reached.

The 'where am I' could now roughly be summed up by two points-

Firstly, I was in Chernobyl above the chaos sea. Secondly, and most importantly, this seemed to be the insane and chaotic world of the lord of the mysteries!?