You're the one I can't have

"Hazel" I heard your voice calling me from behind. I turned to see you. You were there catching your breath probably from running to me. But why did you run all the way only to go to school together with me? Am I really that special to you? Don't get your hopes up, he's just being nice. He doesn't want to go alone that's it. You're nothing but a friend to him.

"Hey, Asher!" I greeted him.

Asher. The one who would bring a smile to my face. He is my best friend. The one with whom I've been in love since I know the meaning of love. He's handsome, well matured, and cares for me. My first ever crush.

He was there for me when I got my wisdom tooth removed, when I first grounded for sneaking a dog in my house. I was there when he fell off on his butt for the first time riding a bicycle. He embraced me with his little hands when I lost my grandmother and told me it would be alright, I believed him . I cheered for him when he won his first race. He was the first one to know about my demons. Yeah! He was my neighbour and then became my safe place.

School trips were the greatest fun with him. We would always fought for the window seat and end up playing rock-paper-scissors for the decision. Who would lose a chance to explore nature. We would be glued hip to hip throughout the trip. My every memory and every album filled with him. He became a habit mine without even noticing.

To him, I'm just a friend with whom he can share everything but for me, he's the hardest to reach even though he's an inch close to me. Even if he don't return my feelings, even if we don't end up together he will always be my first love. So I will enjoy this feeling till it lasts.

"I told you to wait for me." He accused angrily but it looked rather cute with the pout on his lips. "I thought you were joking when you told me to go together with you," I murdered. "Why would I joke about that". Maybe you just casually told that to be nice to me. I didn't utter a word. We started our way back to school in comfortable silence.

When we reached, "Hey! Wait for me in the lunch" he yelled and went to his class. God why he's making it difficult for me? I tried to ignore my feelings toward him. I didn't want to lose my friendship. Even if I can't have him whole for myself, this tiny bit of affection from him is enough for me.

We grownup together. He was my only source of happiness. I can't afford to lose his friendship for my silly unrequited love.

Here we are eating in the crowded uni canteen. He's very talkative and easily mingles with others. I'm busy daydreaming about him. "What are you thinking?" he snapped his fingers in front of my eyes, I shook my head afraid of what i would blur out and continued my eating. God, I zoned out. AGAIN! Just by looking at him. I finished the lunch hurriedly and we parted ways.

Finally! it was time to go home, when I exited my classroom he was already waiting for me. Why he's always good at making my heart skip a beat. "Hey! What took you this much time?" he inquired. "I didn't skip class like someone here" I rolled my eyes. "It's not my fault that professor is too old and the class is too boring" he whined with an innocent pout on his lips. "Stop pouting!" I glared at him. "Or else I'll fall harder if it is even possible" I thought. "I'm not pouting!" he retraced back. Then we headed back home. We bid our goodbyes and I watched his retracing back.

Sigh! If only we were more than just friends...

I completed my night routine and opened my diary, which is the only proof of my love for him other than me. And here comes the greatest writer who cannot even spoke up her feelings towards her bestfriend.

Dear Asher,

I guess how it is

One moment we're good

Then next minute we go

back to being strangers

Ever wonder how it feels

To restrict your feelings

I wish I could tell you

But I'm afraid to lose

What we have now

I'm glad you're here

Even if it is not in the way I want

I'm tired of masking my emotions

Only to be with you

I'll just fake my smile

Even if it is bringing me pain

Till I get to my bed (And)

Cry myself to sleep

Just like I did all these years.

Yours,

Hazel.