Is that my jacket?

"Love is for children." As I stare into my own face in the mirror, it's as if I can hear Madam's voice right next to me. "Love is a weakness." I recall the countless hits we received when one of us even showed an ounce of emotion. I splash some water in my face in an attempt to get back to the present and out of the memories of the red room. "Sex is a weapon, not something to enjoy." Countless men raped each and every one of us daily as a way to teach us this lesson. "Any form of emotion will be punished." And we were. "You are made of marble, the perfect doll to puppeteer." Come on Natasha, I whisper to myself. Recalling the past is of no use, you know that. I dry my face with a towel and think about the woman who got me standing in front of the mirror in the first place: Wanda Maximoff. It has been months since the events with Ultron happened and she had moved in with the rest of us. Everybody in the compound has noticed the affection I felt for the girl and the friendship that had started to bloom, but part of me was worried I might be feeling more for her. Was happy. Was confused. Was scared. I had never learned to love, or to feel anything for that matter. The red room was all about creating perfect robots to fulfill their bidding. My time with the Avengers helped me get more in touch with my emotions but I was nowhere close to allowing love to find a place in my life. Even though I had started to learn to trust my teammates, relying on yourself was still the best way to go in my opinion. And how could you do this if you were feeling lovey-dovey for someone? I sigh and walk towards the small kitchen in my apartment. Stark made sure that even though the compound has a kitchen, a living room, and a recreation area to share with one another, all of us also had these things in our own apartments. Sometimes after a mission we just needed to be alone. We all had our own background story that made some things harder to deal with. I open the kitchen cabinet and take the stuff I need to make spaghetti. It's easy to make and I've always been fond of it, even though my favorite food is Wanda's paprikash. As I do this my mind goes back to the past few months I have shared with the brown haired woman.

I remember her appearing on the battle against Ultron together with Steve, wearing one of my clothes. My favorite red leather jacket to be precise. At that point I was still overwhelmed by how she had infiltrated my mind. I wasn't scared of her, and even if I had been I would never admit that to myself, but I was cautious none the less. For a moment I couldn't help but notice that she looked good in it, not that that meant that I was going to go easy on her. She was still the reason why I had to live through all of the horrors of the red room once again, even the ones I had buried deep inside my mind. And even though she clearly tried to make up for her mistakes, this didn't mean I could just trust her. After all, I only ever trust myself. "Is that my jacket?" I asked with a stern voice, not letting them hear the emotions I was hiding. I could see her swallow, nervousness clearly present in her movements. "She's with us." Steve explained with his typical Captain America tone. "That still doesn't explain the jacket." I pointed out. I wasn't angry about it, even though that's how I probably sounded, I was more surprised about the fact that somebody was brave enough to touch one of my belongings. Immediately she turned away embarrassed, clearly she hadn't been aware of the fact that the jacket belonged to me. I looked to the side as I saw Clint joining us. "Fighting these robots is getting us nowhere." Steve mentioned and Clint immediately joined the conversation. "The air is getting thin, if we go much higher people will start dropping." It's as if this caught Wanda's attention. "There are people in the city still hiding." It sounded as if she had her emotions pretty much under control, which was something that I could respect. "Lure them out." Wanda nodded and turned around to leave. "Barton…" Steve didn't even have to finish his sentence. "I've got her six." Clint shared an understanding look with me and followed the young woman. I had to admit the fact that she intrigued me, but for now I pushed this to the back of my mind and concentrated on the task ahead of us.

From the very start Wanda had moved something inside of me, I had to admit it, at least to myself. As I put the spaghetti in the boiling water I think back to the first couple of weeks she was with us.

Wanda didn't leave her room, not even to get some food. The guys started to make the conclusion that she had to be a frail little girl that was capable of overcoming it when she was fighting. But there was something that kept me from joining their opinion. I remembered the fire in her eyes as she was trying to make up for her mistakes, as she was ripping those robots to pieces. There was nothing weak about her then, and even though I had no experience with losing someone that was as close to me as Pietro was to her, part of me could imagine that something like that could break you. But it didn't mean she was weak. After spending almost a week without food, Steve thought it would be a nice gesture to put a bowl of soup next to her door. It didn't really seem like a good idea to me, if she wanted food she would get it, but I kept my mouth shut. I was interested to see how this would play out. Pepper, Tony, Steve and I were sitting in the living room when she suddenly stormed in, a red cloud of magic vibrating around her. "What idiot thought that I needed a nanny to take care of me?!" She yelled, her eyes glowing up. "What do you mean witchy?" Tony asked. Wrong nickname, wrong time. Her eyes focused on the billionaire and she threw the bowl of soup in his direction. He barely managed to get out of the way on time and Pepper yelled her famous: "Oh my god!" "Wanda, calm down. I put it there, it was just a gesture of goodwill and care." Steve spoke up, holding his hands in the air as a sign of surrender. Wanda took a couple of steps in his direction, the energy of her magic buzzing around her. She was calm and in control and this made her a hundred times more scary then she was before… and hot. Concentrate Romanoff. "I don't need you to take care of me. I don't need anybody to take care of me. I can handle myself and if I'm hungry, I'll go eat." Her accent was thick and heavy. "Don't be silly Wanda, you're just a kid. Of course you need someone to take care of you, to help you. We all do sometimes." She slowly tilted her head to the side and an uncomfortable silence filled the room. I couldn't help but notice the fact that she was still wearing the same clothes as she did at the battle. Her black dress and knee high socks, with my jacket on top of it. Her hair was messy and full of knots, and her eyes were thick and red. It was quite clear that after she had entered the room appointed to her she had done nothing but sleep and cry. A part of me felt sorry for the young witch but immediately I pushed it away, no emotions. "The last person to care for me was Pietro, so unless you want to end up like him: stay away from me." She turned around on her heels and left just as soon as she had entered, leaving Steve behind with a worried look on his face. I hid my smirk behind the book I was reading and after a couple of minutes I got up and left the room. "Got tired of our company Romanoff?" Tony asked with a boyish grin. "Was tired of it since before I entered the room Stark."

I walked towards my apartment, lost in thoughts. Wanda's place was right next to mine and for a moment I was just standing there in the hallway, doubting. That's when I made the decision to go knock on her door. Maybe I could get that jacket back. "Who's there?" "Natasha." Silence. Just as I expected to get no more response from the witch the door opened and cautiously I entered her room. I'm not really sure what I had expected but it sure wasn't this. To say the room was a mess was an understatement. There wasn't really any clutter but every piece of furniture was broken and blown to pieces. I simply raised my eyebrow towards the witch and she sighed. "I have nightmares but when I sleep I have no control over my powers." Even though her powers were a mystery to me, nightmares were something I could understand. There were almost no nights without them taking over my slumber. "I wish I could say that it will get better, but I can't guarantee that." I leaned against the door and looked at her with a calm expression. "I know you have them too." It wasn't a question, it was a statement. She probably saw it when she invaded my mind. "Yes." My reply was a statement too. "How do you cope?" She asked as she turned to look at me. My mind went back to all the horrors I had been through and I replied truthfully. "Pain only makes us stronger." There it was again, the head tilt. "Does it?" "So I've been told." For a while the both of us just looked at each other, observing, thinking. One of the things that I noticed is that even though she saw a part of my past, there was no disgust in her look. No fear, no sadness. It's as if I was staring in the eyes of an equal. "I guess you want your jacket back." She mentioned and I gave her a soft smirk. "You know what Maximoff? Keep it. Just give it a wash will you." She smiled back at me. "You got it Romanoff." "Call me Nat." I closed the door behind me.

As I wash and cut the carrots for my sauce I realize that that very moment was the beginning of my complicated friendship with the witch. Weeks had passed in which I noticed that I would seek out her company a little bit more than before. Her lack of judgment was a relief, because even though I saw the other Avengers as part of my family, I knew that all of them still had judgment clouding their heart. Except for Clint of course, but that was a different story. I continue to think about the events that lead to the complicated emotions I am feeling now.

I was once again in one of my nightmares when I noticed some small differences. I was performing the same dance routine over and over again when it was as if was slipping on something wet underneath my feet. As I inspected it closer I noticed it was blood, and when I followed the trail I was met by Pietro's lifeless body. Realization filled me that somehow Wanda her nightmare must have intertwined with mine. I managed to shake myself awake, something that I'm not always capable off, and quickly walked towards Wanda's room. When I tried the door I was relieved to find it unlocked, and I entered her room. Saying I'm surprised with what I saw in front of me was an understatement. Wanda was floating a couple of inches in the air, red magic covering her from head to toe. Her back was bent in an unnatural position and I couldn't help but notice that her furniture had been destroyed once again. I was just in time to duck as a wave of her powers exploded and broke everything in its path. Slowly I crawled towards her, being careful to keep an eye on her magic. Every time it pulsed I stopped in my tracks and waited until it calmed down again. It really acted as some kind of shield towards her. As I managed to get to Wanda I reached for her hand, fingertips softly stroking hers. "Come back, moy dorogoy (my dear)." I whispered as I was capable of fully grabbing her hand. It was as if my touch calmed her down, thankfully, because I knew this could have gone very wrong. I was sitting on my knees on the ground next to her bed as she slowly came down again. The moment her back touched the mattress her eyes snapped open, clearly in panic. "It's okay Wanda, you're at the compound." Inch by inch she turned her head until she was looking into my eyes. "Natasha?" She whispered with a croaked voice. "Yes Wanda, it's me. You're safe." As her magic slowly faded away I noticed a single tear rolling down her cheek. A soft smile crossed her lips as she saw the position I was sitting in. "Doesn't really look all that comfortable." I shrugged. "Been in more uncomfortable positions." I got up my feet and walked towards the door, ready to leave the witch alone. "Nat?" Her voice was so quiet that if it wasn't for the serum I got in the red room I wouldn't have heard her. "Yes?" I turned around to look at her and noticed her fidgeting with her blankets. "Would you be willing to stay a little while longer? I don't feel like being alone right now." For a moment I was frozen in place. I never spent the night with anyone expect when I'm forced to do so for missions, and even then I'd rather sleep on the ground than share a bed. Even when I had sex with someone, I'd always leave after it was done. Wanda must have picked up on the inner conflict I was having, because she quickly said: "You don't have to, I'm sorry for asking. Good night Nat." She turned around to face the opposite side and while my mind was yelling at me: move and get out of here, a small part of me didn't just want to leave her alone like this. So I took a deep sigh and walked towards her bed, softly lying down on it. "I'm here." I whispered as I could feel Wanda scoot closer to me.

I've placed my plate on the table and walk towards the fridge to fill my glass with vodka. I know most people would probably go for some wine with their dinner but they weren't Russian. As I sit down and start to eat I think back to the first training session I had with her.

I walked towards the witch her room with a strong energetic pace. Before I had the chance to actually knock on her door it already opened and I entered. "Hi Nat." I followed the sound of Wanda her voice and could see she was doing some yoga exercises. "You can take this down to the training room." I told her, doing my best to keep my stern mask in place. It took all of my power to not show Wanda how much she had begun to mean to me. "Hmm?" She asked while tilting her head. Somehow it's as if she knew that doing that made me feel some strange sensations in places I didn't care to elaborate. "Training starts today." She slowly got up her feet, clearly hesitation was filling her mind. "Don't worry devochka (girl). I'm the one who is going to be training you." Laughter left Wanda's lips when she heard my statement. "And that's supposed to make me feel better?" I couldn't help but snort at her comment. "Do I need to change clothes?" My attention went to her crop top that showed off her belly button and the sports pants she was wearing. "You're good." "Great let's go then." When we started working on the mats it didn't take long before Wanda was underneath me. Her powers were strong but she had been relying too much on them. If she ever got in a situation where she was incapable of using them she was screwed. "Focus Wanda! Keep an eye on my legs, make sure they don't kick yours from underneath you. Always try to prevent yourself from landing on the ground. Ready?" She was staring at me with a frustrated look in her eyes. Sweat was dripping down her neck into her cleavage. Without a warning I started my attack once more, and I had to admit that she did try to fight back. Still she was no match for me and within a couple of seconds I was on top of her once more. She groaned when her back hit the mats and the air got pushed out of her lungs. "You know Romanoff, if you used training as an excuse to get me underneath you, all you had to do was ask." Oh she had no idea how those words made me feel, and if she was up for some teasing there was no way I would back down. "Oh you can also be on top of me for this to work, you know." A wink accompanied my words.

While I'm doing the dishes I think more about that last part of my memories. Maybe this thing I was feeling for Wanda was just pure sexual lust. There was no denying that she was very hot, I had heard multiple of the guys mentioning it, and I wouldn't mind getting a piece of her. Yes, that must be it. I'm sure that if I just get this need and want out of my body, I'll be feeling perfectly normal again. I have always been a hunter, wanting to devour my prey and it would make perfect sense that I would want Wanda to be my new target. Glad I have finally made the decision about what to do I take my phone out of my pocket and send a message to the Scarlet Witch. "Want to have some fun tonight. You up for something?" Within a couple of minutes her reply comes in: "Sure, be there in 5." I put away my phone and turn off the kitchen lights. I'm just going to have a night with some good sex with her and then everything will go back to normal. I mean, what could possible go wrong?

How can I say this without breaking?

How can I say this without taking over?

How can I put it down into words?

When it's almost too much for my soul alone