Chapter 7: My Life (Loki’s POV)

I know I should be sleeping. It would be in my best interest, I know that. I also know that if I did get to sleep I would only wake minutes later, more exhausted than before sleeping. So instead I pace circles in this room. I allow my mind to wander to the conversation with Thor earlier. Perhaps I shouldn't have been as harsh as I was but there's only some much I can take before snapping. My pacing pauses. I look over at my bed longingly. I shake my head. I look over at a window that is nearby. The blinds are drawn, I guess it would be useful to know what time it is. I walk to the window and peek through the blinds. The sun instantly hits my eyes. It is morning already, I close the blind and blink my tired eyes. I look around my room for a bit deciding what I should do. I hear a knock on the door. I quickly decide to get in bed and act as if I had just woken up.

"Come in," I say not needing to fake tiredness.

The door opens and Rogers takes a few steps not coming in fully.

"I..uh... Sorry if I woke you" He says examining my face.

I nod.

"Anyway, we were wondering if you would like to join us for breakfast down the hall" Rogers says leaning against the doorframe.

"We?" I raise my eyebrow.

"The team," Rogers says.

I nod my head.

"I will join you," I say, deciding that I should at least eat a cracker or something along those lines.

He nods his head and motions for me to follow. I obliged and get up, the pacing helped with walking. Apparently, the whole team has breakfast every day just a hallway away from my room. I notice Stark is grasping a cup of brown liquid for dear life looking tired. Thor is eating some eggs happily and Banner is also holding a cup of the brown liquid (Although not as desperately as Stark). Romanoff was eating some bacon and Barton was sitting next to her, his plate already clean. I walked awkwardly and sit little ways down from them on the giant bar. Rogers goes to a little box and puts bread in it. I watch the box, the bread jumps up out of it. I also jump a little. Rogers looks at me with a funny look on his face. I look down at the table ashamed of how I had jumped at something that apparently cooks bread. I keep my gaze down feeling awkward and regretting coming in the first place. I was clearly not wanted. I slowly get off the stool and start walking towards my room.

"Loki, Aren't you going to eat something?" I hear Roger's voice say behind me.

I turn around, getting dizzy as I did.

"It is fine, It is clear when I am not wanted," I say as I go to turn around again.

"Loki, as the person who's trying to heal you, you need to eat. Nobody is trying to push you away, this is how it is in the morning" I believe this was Banner saying this.

I turn back around and found I was correct. I nod and go back to the seat I was in before. I feel someone's gaze upon me. I look around and find Banner looking at me.

Banner examines my face.

"Did you sleep Loki? You look awful, ``he says.

Well that's rude, I mean I know I'm not exactly at peak health right now but he didn't need to remind me of it. I pride myself on always looking collected. I knew I shouldn't have left my room. Apparently, a hurt look appears on my face.

"I didn't mean it as an insult Loki, I mean you have horrible bags under your eyes. Did you sleep?" Banner says apologetically.

At least he did not mean it as an insult. My usually quick tongue falters.

"I.uh…. Yes," I say, cursing myself for the slip-up.

Banner raises an eyebrow at me.

We make eye contact. I try to shut all the tiredness showing in my eyes away. Banner must have seen it anyway.

"Hey, Loki, do you mind if we head to the med bay, just to check how you are doing." He says, looking at me.

This is not what I wanted to do with my day but, what is the use of fighting?

"Fine," I say, making sure he could hear the smidge of bitterness in my voice.

He gets up bringing his cup of brown liquid with him. I look at it trying to decide what it is. Is it a Dark Rum? Banner notices me eyeing his cup as we walk to the med bay.

"Have you ever had coffee?" He says curiously.

"Cough-ee? No, I have never heard of this Cough-ee" I say, still looking at the drink curiously.

"Coffee is a drink Humans use to wake up. It can be hot or cold and there are many variations of it, I could grab you a cup when we go back to the kitchen" He says thoughtfully.

I nod.

He stops in front of a door. He takes a key out of his pocket and unlocks the door. I follow him through and he points to the bed in the middle. I go over and sit down. I look around nervously checking for a needle. There is none that I see. I am still embarrassed by how I acted. I should have been stronger. I should have pushed the memories down. Banner comes over with another rag with alcohol on it.

"This will burn a bit, but it will keep it from getting infected." He says carefully lifting my shirt and dabbing the wounds.

I clasp the edge of the bed trying not to make a sound. Trying to keep memories at bay. As soon as the burning starts it stops.

"Now I just need to monitor your heart rate and check how you've been sleeping," He says.

I was right assuming that he knew. He is not a complete idiot, after all, I know that, but still, I was hoping.

I nod my head, unable to talk as my mouth is clenched tightly. He puts something on my finger and then examines my eyes.

"Good news, you're doing a little bit better than when you first arrived. Bad news, you need more sleep and food." He says putting the thing that was on my finger away.

"We could also give you an IV and sedatives to help," He says facing me.

"No thank you," I say.

"Well, then you will need to start sleeping and eating more than," He says carefully looking at me.

My mind starts racing. Does he think it's that easy! Does he think that I don't want to sleep? Does he think that waking from a dream only to realize that dream was real, every single time your eyes close reliving the worst moments of your waking life?

"I hope you don't think it's that simple!" I say keeping my face calm. Although my voice is shaking with rage.

"I hope you don't believe I want to evade sleep! I hope you don't believe I want to…. To relive the worst moments of my life every night, I HOPE YOUR NOT ANOTHER BLUBBERING IDIOT THAT THINKS THAT NIGHTMARES ARE JUST THAT. NO, they are memories that make sleep torture within itself! So don't speak of what you don't understand" I spat at him, my calm turning to anger in a matter of seconds.

He looks uncomfortable, lucky for him Rogers comes in.

"Is everything in here ok guys?" He says looking at me.

That's understandable as I am standing now with my fists clenched. I nod sitting back down.

"Ready to go back to breakfast," Banner says as if nothing happens.

I nod feeling guilty about how I treated him. He was just trying to help.

We walk down the hall. I go back to my seat that is farther away. Rogers comes up in front of me and puts a piece of cooked bread (He calls it toe-st) in front of me.

"Thank you," I say quietly trying not to draw attention to myself.

Banner then comes up to me and sits the drink he calls cough-ee in front of me.

"Here you go, one coffee," He says, watching me.

I take a sip and then another. I nod my head. This drink is different. Not necessarily in a bad way either. I put it down and Banner walks away. I look at the piece of toe-st and then take a bite. Then another and another until I finish it. I regret drinking the Cough-ee as it mixed with the toast and is causing my stomach to churn. I can feel the food start making its way up to my throat.

"Where is the restroom?" I blurt out ungracefully.

Barton looks at me.

"Down the hall to the left," He says.

I nod and quickly get off my stool. I can feel their eyes on me but at the moment I do not care. The food is barely staying down now as I run into the bathroom. I close and lock the door and go to the toilet and lean over it. I barely make it in time when my stomach decides to push all the food I just ate backup. My eyes were watering slightly and my throat was sore. My mouth tasted horrible and my stomach was sore from heaving. I hear a knock on the door. I quickly flush the toilet. I wash my hands and splash water on my face. I open the door to see Roger,s standing there.

"Are you ok in here Loki?" He says seeing my disheveled state.

I pause for a moment deciding how to respond.

"You could say that," I say.

That was a good answer, not a yes and not a no. Though it seems Rogers took it as a no.

"Did you throw up?" He says still looking around the bathroom.

I could deny it could I not? But then again what would be the use.

"Yes, my stomach wasn't used to the intake of food," I say, not allowing a single emotion to appear across my face. Steve looks at me.

"Would you like to go back out?" He says, nodding towards the table down the hall.

"I think I will go back to the room I was in before," I say weakly.

He nods and leaves which I am grateful for. I exit after him and turn down the hallway going to my room. I open the door and sit on the bed. Maybe I should try to get sleep as Banner suggested. I know this won't end well but it's better than getting no sleep. So I lay down on my bed and pull the covers up. I shift to find a comfortable position and slowly the world around turns dark.