Chapter 5: Reliving (Loki’s POV)

I start by looking around the room examining everyone's face. I stay quiet for a while until I feel a weight on my shoulder. It is Thor's hand, I almost shrug it off but decide against it, since the whole team is watching. I feel Thor's hand leaving my shoulder.

I nod and clear my throat, "I…" My voice came out coarse and dry.

"It started when…" My voice was clearing a bit but it still was dry.

I cleared my throat feeling the pressure of the team's gaze upon me. I took a deep breath and my voice cleared.

"It all started when I discovered I was a frost giant" the hatred in my voice was clear. "Odin hadn't told me before and I was... devastated, to say the least, I reacted poorly believing the thing that would impress Odin most was destroying the whole race of the frost giants, the first I killed was my birth father King Laufey, luckily I didn't manage to kill more, I and Thor fought on the Rainbow bridge. I almost fell but managed to catch Odin's staff…." I pause, nervous of how they react to the next part.

"I told Odin that I could have done it for all of us, and despite me hanging off the bridge in face of defeat! IN face of finding my true heritage! He still disregarded me as if I was scum on his shoe! SO I did the only logical thing at the moment and let go" I say letting my words linger in the air. Stark looks queasy and Rogers looks concerned.

"For a moment, I felt at peace, I felt as if nothing mattered," I say my voice quivering while I look down at my hands.

"I was falling for what felt like an eternity until Thanos got me. '' My eyes were now trying their best not to tear up as I could feel my throat tightening. " I didn't….. I didn't give in for a year….. But eventually, Thanos had gotten into my head, I know I should have been stronger for Midgard's sake but..I…I couldn't take it anymore" I say this pleading that they understand, pleading that they don't think I did this of my own accord.

I looked at Thor and he gave me a sad smile.

"During that time it felt as if I was in the passenger seat while someone else was driving, I was aware of what I was doing but I couldn't stop it. Luckily after Hulk smashed me back and forth into the ground, my mind cleared, erasing that feeling" I say now looking at Banner.

"I knew it would be no use to explain to Odin what happened, why would he believe the God of Mischief, the Liesmith, the Silvertongue, the Jotun scum!" The bitterness could barely be contained in my voice.

"So I sat in my cell for two days believing my sentence there would be forever, though I was no longer being physically injured the impact Thanos left on me was there, and I doubt it will ever leave," I say going weakly to the chair and sitting putting my face into my hands trying to cover up the memories being etched across my face.

The silence that followed was unbearable, I doubt this was what they were expecting. I got up slowly excusing myself as the emotions were getting too strong and I know soon they would appear on my face. I hear somebody take a step towards me, presumably Thor but I keep walking as my facade is breaking quickly. I go to the place they had put me in, a reinforced room to say the least. It was dull and almost empty except for a bed and a bathroom that is connected. I sit down on the bed finally allowing myself to break down. I lay down, I know I have to get sleep, I know I have too but when I try my mind only forces me to get up. I lean against the wall my bed is on. I feel my eyes get sluggish as the world around me starts fading. My exhaustion is winning. I fell asleep.

*I'm holding on to Odin's staff hanging off the edge of the rainbow bridge.

"I could have done it, father! For you! For all of us!" I say searching one last time for the reassurance I need.

"No Loki," Odin says.

My stomach sinks the world spinning around me. Of course, he doesn't want me. Who would want Jotun scum such as myself?

Thor looks at me pleadingly "Loki don't!" He says looking at me sadly. I let go, allowing myself to fall into the darkness. I felt at peace knowing it would end soon, never again shall I have to worry about seeking Odin's approval or being in Thor's shadow. I could feel the pressure around me as I land harshly on solid ground. Am I in Valhalla? No, I am still breathing. Even death did not want me. Even death has rejected me. What scum I must be then. I look around the strange planet as my breathing is shaky. From the situation that just happened or the fact I got their air knocked out of me, I could not tell. My best guess would be both. Around the corner, I hear footsteps. On edge, I turn around, coming face to face with the Titan. I open my mouth to say something but before I'm able to, Thanos pushes me down. The world around me is going dark.*

I wake up a feeling of dread pushing down on me. I close my eyes trying to block it out but I'm unable to. My breath soon starts turning faster and faster. My heart is beating out of my chest. I draw my knees close to my chest. The light is blinding me. I tuck my head into my knees blocking all light from reaching my face. The overwhelming feeling increases and I can feel a scream build up in my throat. My mind isn't thinking clearly and the next thing I know I'm screaming into the darkness of my chest. I eventually stop as my voice vanishes. My throat is now raw, making it hurt when I swallow. I slump back down but force myself in an uncomfortable position so I don't drift off to sleep. Thor enters my room soon after that with a sad smile. I have a feeling he knows of the situation that just happened, but at this moment I am not bothered with it. He offers me a plate of food, my favorite from when we were young. I deny knowing that if I ate any of the rich food on the plate it would only come back up in a matter of minutes. Thor sets the food down on a table I hadn't seen earlier and then he comes and sits at the foot of my bed.

"Brother, we need to talk," Thor says, looking down at his hands.

He looks guilty.

"Good, let him see how it feels" I hear a voice in the back of my mind say, I push that voice down, however.

"Do we brot… Thor, because I feel perfectly fine not talking" I say trying to keep the bitterness in my voice though it is difficult as Thor is looking increasingly guilty.

"Yes, we do! You are clearly not ok, no matter how much you say you are! I know Loki, we are brothers after all" Thor says looking at me trying to find a reaction. I don't give him one.

I sit up straight.

"You know I am not your brother, I never was, YOU know of my true heritage do you not! I am the spawn of a monster! DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TELLING YOU, OR DO I HAVE TO REPEAT MYSELF!" The whole time I was trying to keep my voice steady but the anger finally broke through and snapped at Thor.

Thor's eyes were glimmering.

I don't let him speak, as I talk soon after that.

"You may leave" I spat out harshly leaving the words heavy in the air.

Thor nods and leaves. I lay back down on the bed once again putting myself in an uncomfortable position. Sleep is not an option. I instead find myself staring at an empty wall. This is so I don't focus on anything...unsavory. The blankness of the wall helps clear my mind. Every little curve, every little bump is different. I sit there cursing myself for letting Thor wind me up like that. I may yet try to fix our bond, however. Only time will tell.