Secrets

"Coupled with getting another foster home, you're going to see a psychologist", Mrs Greene, the child service woman that I knew nothing absolutely nothing about said as my features contorted on shock.

"What the fuck!, You must be kidding me, I do not need a shrink ", I growled as I yanked the door of the van open glaring at her.

"Courts orders, girlie, so if you know what's good for you, play along",Mrs Greene seethed as she reversed her truck and drive away leaving me standing Infront of the orphanage staring after her.

I turned around and as I stared at the huge orange brick building, I could feel a panic attack begining to rise, I began to snap the rubber band on my wrist, the pain keeping me grounded as I took deep breaths.

I had no choice, I was just seventeen , I was still stuck in this place that had be one more of a home to me than the woman who was supposedly my mother's place, I couldn't wait to turn eighteen, then I would be finally free," I would never have to rely on anyone ever again".

I whispered this promise to myself as I rise my hand to knock on the huge door of the orphanage, before I could even land a knock, the door opened revealing Chantel, one of the young caretakers of the orphanage, she was smiling brightly as usual.

Chantel was one of those people who were always so bubbly and happy.

"Finally! You've arrived, we've been waiting for you", Chantel said in her high pitched girl voice with a huge smile on her face.

I began to get annoyed, annoyed at her for being happy, annoyed at her perfect happy life, annoyed that she probably had never had to encounter the kind of shit I had passed through, annoyed that my life could not be more like hers, happy and content.

I was annoyed that I didn't deserve to go through any of the things I went through.

Annoyed that I had to deal with infections, disorders, attacks, anxiety and depression, my train of thought was interrupted as I sighted Chantels' hand waving Infront of my face.

"Where did you go off to, I've been calling your name for a while now,welcome back" Chantel grinned as she widened the door and gestured to me to come in, I tried to smile back at her, but I was pretty sure the smile looked more like a grimace .

I nodded and tucked my honey brown hair behind my ear nervously and stepped inside what would become my home till I was shipped off to another foster home.

I opened the door to my old room ,glad that it had not been given out to anyone yet ,I guess I had spoke too soon, I thought as I spotted a little girl of probably not more than ten years lying on the bed colouring something.

She looked up at me with huge brown eyes , eyes that looked too intense for a girl of her age and she smiled broadly as she bounded towards me and hugged me then said.

Hi, I'm Marcia, I'm your new roommate", it was as she made that statement that I noticed the new arrangement in the room, they were now two beds instead of one, two closets and side tables instead of one.

"Fuck!" I muttered, forgetting about Marcia's presence, she was staring at me with her huge eyes as I looked down at her and her face scrunching up in confusion .

"Isn't that a bad word?", She asked me still staring at me.

"Uhm, I suppose", I muttered, not knowing what to say to this tiny girl.

"Mrs Hildegarde said no bad words",Marcia muttered like she was warning me, I chuckled, the sound sounding foreign in my ears.

"Oh yeah,I'm sorry, I won't , uhm do that again',I said as Marcia smiled at me.

"Don't worry, I won't tell, I'll keep it a secret, I have many secrets noone knows about, should I tell you".

I rolled my eyes playfully,"you know, it is no longer a secret, if you tell me".

"ohhh" she mumbled, her cheeks turning a bright red, she actually looked cute, I wondered what a girl like her would be doing in this shitty place,I thought as I walked towards the empty bed at the other side of the room.

The only possessions I had , had been stuffed hurriedly into a travel bag and my back pack, they had probably been dropped here while I was still admitted in the hospital, I sat on the bed pulling back the hood of my hoodie.

"Wow, you're so pretty, you look like a Disney princess",my new roommate gushed at me.

"I want to look like you",she continued.

I grimaced at that statement, all my life my looks were always complimented, I had eyes, so obviously I knew I had very stunning genes, a present from my mum,a way to fuck up my life.

At this point I was willing to trade for plainer features and body. I had a model like body, beautiful platinum blonde,almost white hair that fell past my waist,amber eyes.

I never had acne , not like I even bothered with skin care, most people said that I was lucky to look so perfect but they didn't know what these "perfect like looks" had caused me.

"Uhm, thanks , you're pretty too" I replied back to Marcia, my voice nearly a whisper, and I immediately turned my back to her facing the window .

I really wasn't interested in a conversation right now, I just wanted to knock back some pills and slip into oblivion, but even that was gone.

Mrs Greene was very thorough in frisking my things before moving them over here, despite the cold temperature, I was sweating, my pinky finger jerking , the withdrawals had started, I needed something , something strong, to help me forget, Xanax or something.

I crept out of bed, Marcia too busy to notice me leave, I padded silently to the medication room, where I knew I would find something to last me for a few days, at most weeks, as I turned the hand of the door, grateful that they had not locked it yet.

I slipped in, my eyes widely searching for any sort of pill I could take, I spotted a bottle of Xanax at the back cabinet , poured a few into my hands, twenty or so pills would do the trick , i put two into my mouth and dry swallowed it, my breaths were coming out deeply than usual.

I slipped the remaining pills into the pocket of my hoodie as the door opened and I found myself facing someone I didn't know, probably a new caretaker .

"Who are you and what are you doing here?" She asked me her gaze piercing and not leaving my hooded face.

"Uhm, I came to uhm" I stuttered, fuck, I should have locked the door or something.

"Oh are you the new girl?", realization dawned on her face as I nodded.

"You're here about your medication from the hospital",I nodded again, glad of the excuse that just presented itself .

"It has not arrived yet, I don't know why but I would look into it," the woman scrunched her face in confusion then smiled reassuringly.

I didn't tell her that I knew why as I muttered a thank you and left the room.

The doctor's had decided that I was a suicide risk and couldn't be trusted with a bottle of pain killers, in case I overdosed or something of that sort, the pills had already begun to kick in.

I entered my room and noticed that Marcia had gone down for dinner, I stripped and entered into the bathroom to wash away the hospital smell from my clothes, releasing my long hair from the French plait I had made hastily.

it tumbled down just reaching my waist, I knew I needed to get a haircut but I couldn't afford one, just like I couldn't afford most of the things girls my age needed, if I needed a fucking tampon, I would even have to beg for it, that was just how fucked up my life was.

Coming out of the bathroom dressed in shorts and a huge shirt I had swiped from my Harriet's closet during one of the days I was not in pain in that house.

I hung my hoodie and crept into bed, I let out a sigh,a sigh of relief, I didn't have to deal with Peter anymore at least for now, I didn't need to lock my doors while I slept for now.

For now I could act like a girl that had not been assaulted almost everyday for the last couple of months, I swallowed a huge gulp , tears spilling down my cheek as I allowed myself to cry, promising myself that this was the last time that I would cry.

I heard when Marcia entered into the room after dinner.

I heard when she called my name.

heard when Hildegarde asked to see me, but I just lay there pretending like I was asleep, even two pills couldn't chase away the sleep terrors.

I barely got any sleep, even an hour of sleep felt like gold to me, I slipped my hand under my pillow, where I had dropped two pills earlier anticipating my need to them and popped it into my mouth, letting the drowsiness take me .

I jolted from my bed gasping and panting drenched with swear, glancing around panicky , I sighed when I realised I was safe and they couldn't get me but the dream felt real, it felt very real.

Feeling very thirsty , I slipped out of bed and headed to the kitchen to grab a glass of water , as I lifted the glass to my lips, I saw a dark figure advancing towards me, my heart racing.

"fuck, fuck, fuck", I muttered, as my I began searching for what I could use to defend myself, the figure approaching me was that of a guy, and I knew that there was no guy this grown in the orphanage,only younger boys.

I grabbed a knife ready to stab my attacker, and suddenly the lights came on and I winced at the sudden brightness.

"Whoa, whoa, put that thing down", the guy said softly advancing towards me.

"Don't take any step closer, do you hear me?, I said

"don't, even try it ,stay where you are" I rushed out, my eyes eyeing the exit behind him.

"Okay, okay, I'm not moving closer, now please put the damn knife down, you're freaking me out Audrey",he muttered the last part.

"Who are you? And how the fuck do you know my name" I growled at him still holding the knife tightly incase he made a move on me scared out of my wits.