Chapter 7- Apology

When I went down for breakfast the following day, Helios was there as well. He and Adelphos were both dressed up to go shopping. They had both been accepted into their dream academy. I decided to ignore everything that happened last night and present myself well, as I had promised I would. I raised the ends of my plain pink dress and curtsy.

"Good morning your highness" I beam. "I hope you slept well." I bounce to my seat opposite him again, giddy.  

He is quick to match the mood. "I slept like a log" he smiles at me while resting his head on his hand. "I trust you slept well too, seeing how happy you are?" The rest of my family began to quietly converse among themselves and left Helios and I to our own devices. 

"Of course, the best sleep I've had in a while."

"That must be why your face looks so puffy. I was worried it was swelling from an illness", he says jokingly in feigned concern as he eats. "I suppose it was misplaced worry", he smiles. 

"Do not fret, for my beauty will not fade so easily. If anything I'm concerned. You were snoring so loud, are you sure you're able to speak at the moment? Is your throat perhaps sore? I'd be more than happy to brew some honey, lemon tea for you". My family quieten down to listen, worried. 

Helios bursts into laughter. "Had I known I snore, I would've told you beforehand to give you a performance. "

"There's always next time your highness" I say as I smile and set down my coffee cup. 

Understanding that the two of us were joking around, the rest of the family joined in. And like that breakfast passed in a happy mood with everyone joking together. I had finally had a normal and unstrained conversation with my brother. Perhaps he's reflecting on what I said yesterday. That's none of my concern but I need to be on better terms to ensure the future of the prologue does not come to pass as reality. Haven't I sacrificed myself enough? I won't do it again. I won't die just for him to become stronger. I've finally found a reason to live and I don't want to lose it again. 

It was time for the two of them two leave. Thank you for letting me stay over says Helios. I had a wonderful time here. Before he leaves he turns to me. "Make sure not to act like a stranger, do approach me, my dear friend's sister. "

I raise my hands to my mouth in fake shock. "Friend's sister? I would've hoped you would consider me a friend by now". I grab my chest in an overdramatic display of pain. "I'll do my best to open up your heart" I say with a smile and wink. 

"Is that a threat?" He raises his eyebrow.

I shrug my shoulders. We laugh for the last time before he leaves with Adelphos. Their academy was a boarding one and they were scheduled to leave within the next month. They would only be able to leave during the holidays and for emergencies so I had one month to make sure to soften up my step brother. 

The next couple of hours pass with me attending my first swordsmanship lesson. It went well with my trainer, a knight, being pleased with my attentive attitude towards learning. Other than that there was nothing noteworthy given that I'm currently at a stage where I can only focus on building my strength before progressing properly. After I had a quick wash I was invited to tea with my parents, though I would prefer to refer to it as an intervention. 

The air around the three of us was awkward. My step mother broke the silence. "We wanted to speak to you about what you said yesterday. "

"Yes?"

... She paused "could you speak to us about your... Disorders... Just so that we understand". She fiddles with her fingers and looks to my father. "We don't know much about this and we would like to understand you better." She looks me in the eyes "please."

"What would you like to know?" People have always considered it strange how open I am about this stuff. But to me I don't want it to be something I'm ashamed of. It's just a part of who I am and there's no reason to hide it. 

"Why do you have them?"

I look them in the eyes with a straight face. "Are you really asking me that? Maybe because I went through things as a child, that no child should have. Maybe it's because I didn't receive all the support I should have. But maybe" - I stop for a moment - "maybe it's just because there is no reason. This is just who I am and life has always had suffering in plan for me" I laugh halfheartedly. 

"When you said you wanted to die, what did you mean?" My dad cuts in.

"I mean I wanted to die. I mean I romanticised death. I mean I couldn't imagine living anymore. I couldn't imagine my future in the way that others do. I couldn't think about having to live with these feelings anymore. I just wanted to be free. That's all. I" - my eyes begin to well up - "all I want is freedom but I'm always tied down by these sickening feelings" I say as I stare at my clenched fists. "I just need to breathe." 

"Is- is there anything we can do to help?" He asks.

That breaks me and I start crying. "I-I- I don't know. I don't know what to do. I'm trying my best. I'm really doing everything I can but I can't escape. There's no relief. This sadness chases me in my nightmares and coddles me in my wake. I'm determined to live for both myself and my mother, but I can't stop this discomfort from driving me over the edge. Determination can only take me so far. I just - don't know how to be happy" I laugh through my tears. "It's been so long since I've tasted happiness, since I've felt the warmth of comfort and safety. I'm slowly finding it again but is that happiness? What does it look like again? "

My stepmother stands up and comes to my side to bury me in a warm embrace. That makes me cry even more. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." She chants it like a prayer. Like somehow it will lead to her redemption and my survival. 

I sob until I struggle to breathe. Why is she apologising? Why is she crying? I don't want to forgive her. I felt comfort in hating them because they hadn't apologised. I don't want to feel comfort in the arms of the woman who took my mother away from me. I don't know what to feel. I empty myself of my sadness so that guilt can fill me up. I push myself away from her arms though my body aches at the separation, begs for the warmth to be returned. I stand up abruptly and excuse myself as I run back to my room and lock the door behind me. That day I skipped lunch and dinner and stayed alone in my room. Caressing my mother's portraits in hopes that she would tell me not to blame myself for seeking parental love. In hopes that she could give me some comforting words and tell me that I'm not at fault for how I feel. That I shouldn't allow myself to wallow in despair because I deserve all the love in the world. But at the end of all of my questions, all that I received was deafening silence.