Chapter 6- Blowing up

I sink down into the bathtub while the maids help me wash. I thought about how things had changed slightly since I'd gained awareness. I thought about how my previous family are doing and what happened to the old me. I thought about what might happen to me in the future. I thought about what happened to bring me here. I thought about the future and the past and the real and the imagined. I thought and thought until they no longer scared me. By then I was out of the bath and dressed in my chemise. It was still light out but I was drained of all my energy and needed a long night's sleep to recuperate. The maids drew my curtains and left my room and I curled into a ball beneath the duvet. 

Something about tonight made me feel at ease, as though I had become a child again. Perhaps it's because I'm extremely tired or maybe it's because of the warmth surrounding me from this thick, fluffy duvet. All I know is that it felt like winter days, coming home from school with my brother and warming up in front of the fireplace in my previous life. I fall asleep to the fond memories of the two of us always causing havoc and playing together, always at each other throats but always protecting each other when our father's violence would start again. We helped each other grow into fearless adults who refused to be like our parents. Before I fall asleep I pray that he's doing well without me and that he finds happiness within himself. 

I'm woken up after a few hours, in time for dinner. I'm not bothered to change into different clothes just for a meal so I throw on a robe and head towards the dining room. When I enter, all the previous chatter had come to a halt and left a suffocating silence. As I look around I see Helios sitting beside Adelphos, that's when I realise why there's silence. I'm not dressed appropriately to be before an average guest, let alone the crown prince. From my memory, from here on out his relation with Adelphos should begin to blossom and he'd spend a lot of his time here having sleepovers and training. It's as good a time as any for him to get used to how I am. With a careless attitude that I cannot locate the origin of, I tie my robe at the front and go to sit in the spare seat beside my mother and opposite Helios. The silence remains as my family visibly sit on the edge of their seats, concerned about how I may be ruining their reputation. Thankfully it's Helios who breaks the silence to show that he wasn't offended and that I don't need to be condemned for my actions. 

"Were you tired considering it was your first time training?" He asked with the unnatural smile that seems to never leave his lips.

"I was knocked out", we both laugh at that. "At the time it's hard to tell because I overestimate myself and don't know my limit. But later the fatigue and muscle pain catches up to me. It's always been that way."

"Always?" Asks Adelphos. 

"Basic workouts are normal. Did you think I wouldn't even do the slightest bit?"

Everyone looks at me puzzled but I realise it's because they know nothing about me, but also because I was talking about myself but not as Persephone. 

"Anyway, will you be staying over tonight?" I ask in a poor attempt to change the topic. 

"Yes, if that's okay with you all of course" he asks, directing the question at my dad.

"Oh but of course, it's our pleasure to have you", my father responds. "Isn't that right honey?"

"Definitely, the house feels more alive with more children" responds my stepmother. 

The food was plated and everyone began to eat. I was eating slower than usual because my past anxiety of eating before strangers began to kick in again. Helios notices. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure? You seem to be in pain." Though he attempts to look concerned, it seems almost as unnatural as the smile of his that never fades.

"I'm fine. It's just" - I look around the table - "I frequently get panic attacks. One situation that makes me anxious is eating in front of strangers. So I'm just trying to be careful and not trigger an attack by giving myself time to breathe and relax". I could feel my family's heads snap towards me at that as I stare down at my plate to avoid their eyes. 

"Panic attacks? I'm sorry but... I don't know what that is."

I drink some water. "It's umm... it's a symptom of panic disorder and ... How do I say this? It's as the name suggests. It's when you suddenly have a rush of intense emotions and symptoms. For me I have difficulty breathing like I'm being choked and start feeling nauseous. At the worst of times I disconnect from reality or start feeling faint to the point that I can't see properly." I figure it's better to speak about my past self and integrate it with me as Persephone since, in the end, I am both people. 

"I've never heard of you having panic attacks or panic disorder" Adelphos interjects. 

I'm not sure why but it felt like he was questioning me or undermining my experiences, so I began feeling extremely irritated and defensive. I'd lived long enough with my family questioning my claims about my mental health before they finally accepted it. I wasn't going to experience this yet again. 

"Few people in the empire have understood the field of mental health as is. As someone who doesn't even talk to me, why would I tell you about my mental health difficulties" I scoff. "If you all want to know though, now's a good time to tell you that the family doctor diagnosed me with panic disorder and depression a few weeks ago. He comes by at least once a week to give me therapy sessions and gives me antidepressants. "

"Could you elaborate on what those two are?" My dad asks with a straight face that was difficult to understand. 

"Panic disorder is when you regularly suffer from panic attacks to the point that it gets in the way of every day life. Depression is... Unhappiness that won't go away." My voice begins to shake. 

"It's more than being sad it's - it's losing interest in everything, finding no joy in old hobbies, isolating yourself, being unable to do anything without having to force yourself." I look my dad in the eyes. 

"It's sometimes losing the will to live, it's wanting to die to get away from the suffering. It's waking up in tears because you managed to survive the night, because you woke up at all. It's what took my mother's and what's trying to take mine." A single tear falls down my cheek but I push it away. I need to confront this and tell them about my struggles now or I'll never do it. I can feel my step mother shaking by my side so I slowly put my hand on hers to provide her with some comfort. Why I felt the need to comfort her, I will never know. Surely this situation is worse for me than it is for her, but I was acting without my awareness. 

"How did the doctor diagnose you?" My dad asks stiffly.

I continue eating as I talk, I hate being serious. "It's no big deal". I shrug.

"He came to check up on my head when I fell and I told him about my panic attacks. I also told him about how I kept thinking about dying and was losing the will to live. But I've found at least one reason now". I smile fondly at my plate remembering my conversation with my mother at her grave. 

"So don't worry." I laugh.

"I'm too stubborn to die, there's still some time left. It's fine so don't take things too seriously. "

"This isn't a laughing matter!" Adelphos yells as he slams his hands on the table. 

"If it's not, what then?" I look at him with a straight face and my eyebrow raised. "Should I cry? Would that make everyone happier? How I respond to my pain is my choice. You who wouldn't even look at me don't get to act like a caring brother all of a sudden! None of you get to have a say. When I was crying, who comforted me? When I was grieving who comforted me? When I refused to eat, who comforted me? But now you all give a shit?! You were all nice to me to relieve yourselves of guilt!" I stare blankly at my father and stepmother. "Other than Anna, no one in this house genuinely cared about me for me." I toss my napkin on my plate. "I'm finished eating." 

I look up at Helios "I'm sorry for bringing this up while you're here and killing the mood" I smile awkwardly, genuinely apologetic for putting him in a the middle of an uncomfortable family feud. "I promise to look happier when I next face you". I stand up and begin to leave goodnight everyone. "See you tomorrow if I survive" I wave my hands while I walk towards the door. 

Anna follows closely behind. Once we reach my room she quietly closes the door and approaches me. "Are you okay?" She softly whispers

"Can we have a sleepover? I just... don't want to be alone with these negative feelings." 

"Of course" she smiles gently as she slowly guides me to the bed and settles me in. "I'll be back after I get changed", she strokes my head. 

Over the past few weeks we've gotten very close and I find comfort in her. I like that she just accepts me as I am. She just gives without expecting and I'm always grateful for that. She tells me a bedtime story to tire me out and as my eyes begin to close, I hug her and she leans in to give me a gentle kiss on the forehead. A soft brush of her lips over my skin, so soft I might have mistaken it for my imagination had I not heard her say goodnight as she lay back down. It's wasn't romantic but more affectionate like she was an older sister looking after me. For the first time in a long time I fell asleep with a smile on my lips. I slept comfortably with the knowledge that I had someone who would look after me if I woke up afraid again. If my nightmares came back, she'd be there to bring me back to reality in her soft embrace.