Chapter 42 - Am I worthy of such sincerity?

It was definitely a strange feeling, having a proper conversation with Theodore. Since we were always at each other's throats, it was impossible to imagine us being able to speak to one another like this. To think there would come a day when one of us would try to comfort the other, where we would be able to see ourselves in each other and realise just how similar we truly are. If opposites attract then people who were similar must repel one another, right? It was only natural that we wouldn't be able to stand one another. We, as self loathing individuals, were much too alike to be able to be in each other's presence without feeling disgust. There must have been some sort of metamorphosis that had taken place without our knowledge, how else could we be so comfortable with each other? My feelings towards him were, in essence, a reflection of how I felt towards myself. Had I finally come to a point of self acceptance where I could happily converse with Theodore without feeling my blood boiling? 

"You're welcome", I turn to him and smile, with just as much honesty as his word of thanks. I wasn't sure where we would go from here but it felt strange to leave on things on such a serious note. I sat for a while, saying nothing and busying myself with thinking about what best to do next. I was rushing myself to come up with something in case he decided to up and leave while I was deliberating over the best course of action, but thankfully he didn't seem to have any thoughts on leaving just yet. It was silent but not in a way where it was straining. Instead, we could enjoy each other's company without needing to say a word. As we continued to stay quiet for a short while longer, I felt his pinky overlapping mine as if to gain my attention. It definitely worked as I turned my head towards him, waiting to see what he had to say. 

"Thank you." There was the faintest hint of a smile on his face, but he was quite clearly trying to hold it down to appear completely earnest.

"You said that already." It wasn't a complaint. If anything there was a clear confusion in my voice, unaware of why he repeated his word of thanks.

"I felt like saying it again." He removed his finger so that it was no longer wrapping around mine and instead gently held my hand. He held it in a way that was made me feel fragile, there was so much care in the fingers wrapping around my hand that I felt precious. In my times of need, Adelphos would engulf me in a hug bigger than the two of us, making me feel like he was protecting me from the harshness of the world. Maybe that's what he wanted, but didn't know how to express himself. It was understandable to want affection, especially given all of the stress he had been under. Though it felt unnatural for him to look for it in me, he must have resolved to not show this side of him to anyone else. It was amazing enough that he was able to speak openly about his struggles to begin with. Maybe he needed a hand to hold to reassure him that all would be okay. I took the initiative to strengthen my grip on his hand, giving a light squeeze to let him know that I was here. I hoped he'd understand that I was going to remain here to support him when he'd need it. 

"Do let me know if I'm overstepping my boundaries, but I have a question... Earlier you said you struggle with expectations. Might I ask what those expectations are? Are they to do with academic performance?" He spoke slowly, each word seemingly being thought over multiple times, in case he would offend me. If we were both being open with one another, I see no reason to refrain from complete honesty. Had I not already been vulnerable in front of him? A false bravado would not change anything at this moment in time. 

"Partially", I started. "I'm afraid of the expectation to do well academically, in the same way you might be. I'm afraid of expectations to behave in a manner befitting of my role in society or to become the exemplary wife and mother that society expects of women. I'm afraid of the expectation to do anything, even survive." I smile at him to stop myself from becoming unnecessarily emotional but I could feel myself giving way to my feelings. I was a dam ready to burst at any moment. Every time my mask was removed, there would he unbearable sadness waiting to surface. It was tiring to continuously be in this state, annoying even. How long would I need to remain this weak and how long would it take for me to stop seeing weakness as something negative? I instinctively knew that he wouldn't know how to respond to my vulnerability so I quickly tried to change the mood into something lighter, belittling my own struggles. 

"As I said before, I'm sure everyone has their fair share of struggles. 

"I'm not asking about everyone else." I knew that he was sternly warning me to not make light of my own feelings, but what was I to do? I felt more at ease with superficiality.

"Don't tell me you're trying to get to know me better?" I joked, trying my best to steer the conversation in a different direction than it was headed.

"Is there something wrong with that?"

"Hmm~ I suppose it's fine. What do you want to know?" I laughed the moment I had finished, realising that I had acted in the exact same way as Nicholas had during our first encounter. 

"Why have you changed so much?" Although I had opened up to him quite a bit, this was the first time he seemed to be properly trying to see me for who I am. The words held a weight that I did not yet have the strength to bear.

"Doesn't everyone change with time?"

"You and I both know that's not what I meant. There's a strange disconnect between who you used to be and who you are now." He was scanning me so meticulously that I worried he would see right into my soul. For a second I felt a chill run down my spine, thinking of the possibility that he could discern all that I wished to keep hidden, even from myself.

"Have you ever heard of the saying that 'no man ever steps into the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man'? We're all continuously changing, perhaps that's the only constant in our lives. The fact that you were able to accept and admit my change should in itself show you that you too are not who you once were. The Theodore I knew would never even entertain the thought that I might be a better person that he had initially suspected me to be. As I'm getting older I'm becoming more aware of who I want to be. More than that, I'm learning to accept who I am rather than hiding behind my status. That is all there is to it. It may seem that I'm extremely unlike myself, but at the root of it all is my journey towards embracing every part of myself." 

I was confident in my answer. After all, aren't the best lies those that incorporate some pieces of truth?

"So the current you is the real you? Is that what you're trying to say?"

"Yes and no. I'm my present and my past. The me you used to hate and the me who's holding your hand right now are both the real me. It would be nonsensical of me to say I am only my good traits while disregarding my bad ones. Now would be a good time as any for me to apologise for harassing you in the past." I shift so that my entire body is now facing him, not just my face, and hold his hand just a little tighter.

"I'm sorry for my actions from our childhood. It would be irresponsible for me to simply blame it on me being young and immature. I was too arrogant and thought that my lineage meant that I could do as I please. That was wrong of me, my parent's achievements does not reflect my own. I was simply lucky to be born into the Duke's family and should not have used my status to force others to bend to my will. Once again, I'm genuinely sorry for that."

"..."

"You don't need to accept my apology if that's what you're worried about. I just don't want to live a life feeling guilty for not having apologised for my own behaviour."

"No that's not - ahem. I'd also like to apologise for my behaviour up to late. Even as recent as a few months ago I had treated you in a way which is not acceptable. It's incredibly late of me to say this now, but I'm sorry for always looking for any way to hurt you. You were right when you said the old me wouldn't have accepted your change. I was determined to prove that my actions were justified and that you were deserving of nothing but hostility. That was my own prejudice. I shouldn't have closed my eyes to the parts of you that would have shown otherwise. I guess I needed to see you as a bad person to rationalise my own 'goodness'. I relied on your shortcomings to convince myself that I was a man of justice but in doing so I only became further from that goal. I'm also sorry for everything."

"Oh my! You're much more mature than I initially gave you credit for!" I clapped my hand, belatedly conscious of the fact that I was treating him as I would a child.

"Tsk, must you ruin the mood in such a manner?" Thankfully he didn't seem to take any offence to it, knowing that I did not mean any harm. He must have realised that humour was, to some extent, my coping mechanism.

"Pft, sorry. I'm not one for serious conversations. Let's just call it one of my weaknesses." Feeling as though he was entitled to something more than a poor attempt at jesting, I took in a deep breath before continuing.

"But thank you for apologising. Strangely enough, I don't yet feel deserving of it... but I'll accept it nonetheless. Despite how shameless it must be for me to accept what I am not yet worthy of, I think I owe you that much."

"I think the you of the present is more than worthy of a genuine apology." They were simple words but his eyes were telling me to put my faith in him, to believe whatever he sees in me that is worth trusting.

"You should be careful. I'm easily swayed by good natured and honest people." Once more I realised that I cannot handle those eyes. The confident eyes that knew me more than I knew myself made my frankness run for the hills.

"Another one of your shortcomings I presume?" He laughed and instantly I was taken aback. We had never been close enough for me to have heard him laugh so close to me. I would be lying if I said it didn't make my heart flutter just the slightest. Anyone would have felt the same if someone who used to treat the like garbage was suddenly behaving this way! Ah, I'm trying to convince myself of something when it hardly matters. I shouldn't make a big deal of it.

"Hmm, it might be more accurate to call it my preference." My smile wouldn't go down despite how embarrassed I was at my blatant teasing. I briefly thought that I should practice avoiding sincerity with jokes before it lands me in big trouble.

"I'll keep that in mind." It felt like he meant something more than that but I didn't have the time to figure him out in that way.

"I think I've taken far too much of your time." I began to stand up slowly, getting ready to leave.

"Nonsense, I'm the one that called out to you." He follows me in getting up and faces me so we are only a few steps apart.

"...Thank you for hearing me out and ... for not judging me."

"It's hardly anything worth thanking someone for, I only did what was natural. Don't worry about it." As I sling my bag across my shoulder I prepare to bid him farewell.

"Well then, I shall see you later. Get back safely."

"The same to you, I'll be seeing you around. Hopefully we will have a chance to interact more often than before.

"I hope so." I smiled and he returned in kind, before we both turned away to get to our respective place of residence.

Well it was an eventful day to say the least, definitely a good one at that. I suppose the saying holds some truth, good things do indeed come in threes.