Chapter 41 - heart to heart

My good mood carried on for the rest of the day. Even though the day was long and the lessons would have usually felt draining, I was bulldozing through them, high on my emotions. Before I realised it had already become the time to pack up and head back to my dorm. But of course things were not going to be easy for me. Just as I was about to leave, Theodore called out to me. 

"Persephone, can I talk to you for a short while?"

He usually speaks in a way that is both hostile and difficult to understand but right now he just sounded tired. His voice was weary in a way that was bordering vulnerable. The last three months or so had gone by without the two of us speaking to each other. We more or less acted as complete strangers, if possible, even less than that. It wouldn't make much sense to approach me now for any reason but I knew he was just as stubborn as I. He wouldn't leave me alone if he had something he truly needed to say, and I wouldn't want to ignore him if it was something important. Taking both into account, it was best to hear him out now and get it over and done with as soon as possible. 

"Of course", I responded as I had nothing else to do for the day. 

We didn't go anywhere special. We found a nearby park that was empty and sat down on a bench.

"What did you want to say?" I was certainly curious about what had prompted him to reach out to me after so long, but I was more curious about what was causing him to look so drained of energy and lifeless. 

"... I don't know." He was speaking extremely quietly, not looking here nor there. As he was staring out at the area in front of us, he seemed to be looking at something that I couldn't see, like he was looking past everything that actually existed. Although he spoke in somewhat of a whisper, it was obvious that his voice wasn't as steady as he had hoped it to be. Compared to all the years I had known him, he finally looked more his age. He had broken down the walls around him, just a little. 

"Hmm, okay. We can just sit here, I don't mind."

There was no response to that, and there wouldn't be for quite some time. He clearly needed some time to either organise his thoughts or gather up courage to say what he needed, most likely both. Either way I didn't take any mind to it. Had he been the same as usual I might have gotten irritated at him for wasting time, and forced him to spit it out, but today he was different. After every thing that had happened last time, after pouring out ever drop of anger I had towards him, I was left empty. There was no resentment left. Right now, sitting beside me, was someone who needed to be heard. After all, sitting in silence wasn't in any way a difficult task. I could use the time to unwind while waiting for him. We sat like that, comfortably, not expecting anything from one another for perhaps the first time. After a few minutes he started to speak up. 

"Sorry, I - I don't know why I called out to you." He spoke hurriedly. In the time that I gave for him to gather up courage, he must have talked himself out of whatever he had initially planned. It was only natural, the longer you had time to think, the longer you had to question every decision. That's why at times, it's better to go on a whim and act slightly impulsively. I should have replied but no response seemed fitting, so instead I remained silent. If he chose to leave, I wouldn't stop him. If he chose to stay, I wouldn't chase him away. Strangely, I felt the need to treasure his emotions right now so I was going to leave every decision solely up to him. He chose to stay. 

"I've just... Been having a rough time..." He let out a heavy sigh before telling me what was weighing on his mind. 

"I'm not sure why I wanted to speak to you, I just felt I had to." He went quiet again, fiddling with his fingers and occasionally glancing at me through his peripheral vision. It was clearly my turn to speak. 

"That's okay, we don't always know why we do things. You can say whatever you want, I'll just listen if that's what you need." As I spoke, I made an effort to avoid looking at him head-on as I was worried I would overwhelm him. From personal experience, I knew that there were times I didn't want to be seen. Some days I'd just need an ear to hear me out, nothing more and nothing less. I was afraid of people seeing me for who I really was beneath all the smiles and maybe, just maybe, he was too. 

A deep breath soon followed. "I'm overwhelmed. It's just... I don't know how to say it. I feel this pressure to be someone amazing. No one says anything, but I - I can see it in their eyes. Every single person is like that. I know it's rare to have an aptitude for magic but that just ... It makes it so much worse. I feel like I'm not allowed to fail in the slightest because of how much is depending on my success. I'm well aware of the fact that I'm not alone. Of course there's Elina too but that makes it even harder. I have this massive burden I have to carry and I'm struggling but Elina seems to be just fine. I mean, is there something wrong with me? Why am I finding it so difficult? I'm pushing myself, without rest, to try and meet the expectations people have of me but I can't. What if one day they realise that I'm just a phony pretending to be a big shot? I won't have anything left..."

He was ranting, there was no doubt about it. He started speaking incredibly fast but by the end he slowed to a normal pace, feeling satisfied that he had voiced his concerns. 

It was difficult to know how to respond for various reasons. Firstly, he and I weren't necessarily on friendly terms for this kind of conversation. Furthermore, I wasn't someone who could relate to what he was saying. It's somewhat silly but I didn't want to say something that didn't entirely come from my heart. Moments like these were perhaps the only times I was entirely sincere and honest. As such, I knew that I would never be able to understand the true gravity of his situation. I knew the fear of failure like the back of my hand but I had no idea what it felt like to have an entire Empire placing their faith in me. Failing myself would always come second to failing others, and I could sense that he felt the same. We were two peas in a pod. Did I have the ability to console him? Finally, I didn't know him well enough to know how I should go about it. I knew just how complicated people are just by looking in the mirror. Some days I wanted my worries to be made light of and on others I wanted complete seriousness. How was I to know which would be a better approach? 

My mouth moved faster than my brain, so before I could figure out the most appropriate response I had already begun speaking.

"Why did you come to me?" The second the words left my lips, I felt like slapping myself for asking such a question. What did it matter why he came to me? That was beside the point.

He turns towards me and looks at me while responding. "Because you never expected anything from me?" He said it more like a question, as though he was asking me whether he was correct, unsure of how well he knew me. "For all I know, I could be entirely wrong. It's just... I've never felt like you've treated me in a way that was particularly different. It doesn't seem like you have high hopes for me, which I'm aware sounds bad. It's more like you don't really care whether I fail or succeed." He turns his head back and quickly starts to blabber, unsure of where to go from here.

"I'm not making any sense, I don't know what I'm saying. Ignore me."

"I'd like to think you know exactly what you're saying." There was an emphasis in my words, implicitly telling him to stop belittling himself and to have more confidence.

"You're right. I have no expectations when it comes to you, or me.. or anyone for that matter. I'm going to just speak, consider it me speaking out loud to myself. If you want to take any of it, feel free to do so. Don't feel pressured though, you can just ignore my mindless waffling." I turned away from him and just stared straight ahead, giving him space to not feel burdened. He could express his emotions with expressions however he wanted, I would remain unaware in this way.

"I'm someone who is afraid of expectations. It crushes me beneath it's unbearably large body until I'm writhing in pain. I think it's only natural to be afraid of failure, the fall is never pleasant. Over time I've learnt to stop expecting things of myself as they only ever do me harm. I'm sure for most people that isn't the case, but I'm also aware that I am not most people. I know who I am and I know what I need. I will always prioritise my comfort and safety over the expectations others have of me. Of course that doesn't mean I'm not hopeful of certain things. I hope I do well in my studies and go on to live a meaningful and happy life. However, I learned really quickly that I have somewhat of a toxic tendency to measure my achievements against my expectations in order to determine my worth. In doing so, I have always put off my happiness. I thought, if I achieve this I will be happy, if I can become what others hope me to be I can be happy and so on. I tried so hard to be who others wanted me to be, needed me to be, and yet I didn't find happiness at the end of it. I was stuck in a cycle of pushing myself to meet an ideal that didn't exist, and being disappointed when I would fail to achieve it. I struggle even if no one knows it, and I'm sure it's the same for everyone. No one would look at you and think you're having as hard of a time as you are, since you never verbalise it."

I took a moment to gather my thoughts, unaware of where I was going with this.

"You don't need to live for others. You don't need to abide by their wishes in any way, shape or form. If they're disappointed because you haven't met their expectations, so what? Do they know you better than you know yourself? Do they know all of the effort you put into getting to where you are now? Live a little more freely, outside of the restrictions people place on you. From the way I see things, if I know I have given it my all, then nothing else matters. Regardless of what the result is, I can take pride in knowing that I did the best I could. Maybe I'll be a tad upset but no one is perfect. I can't expect to always do amazingly at everything. I'm just a human after all ...and so are you. You're only a person, trying their best to make others happy and I admire that, I truly do. Though I say that, I also have to say that it isn't healthy to not think of yourself in this way. You're important. People come and go but you have to live with yourself. It's more important to prioritise your happiness, health and comfort over what a few people might whisper behind your back. I mean, it's naturally to be spoken bad about, it happens to the best of us. Take things slow, you've got your whole life ahead of you. You have all the time in the world, why waste this time that you'll never get back? ...Well, that's just my two cents. Make of it what you will."

There was silence once again, not that I was expecting a proper response. I felt comfortable with knowing that I had at least tried my best, everything else was down to how he would take it. That's not something within my control. I stayed seated for a few minutes longer, in case he has anything else to say. Just as I was mentally preparing to start heading back, he spoke up.

"Thank you." It was gentle and soft, but most importantly, it was genuine.