Chapter 4- Mundane Life
By the time we arrived home, dinner was being placed on the dining table. Walking into the room I could see that the rest of my family were already seated, so I quickly took off my outerwear and sat down in my seat. As the food was being served there was light chatter about what everyone had done during the day, how my brother's lessons had gone, how my father's business meeting was and so on. After the topic of conversation had turned to me, my father slightly turned to face me and give me his attention.
"What did you do outside today? Did you just go shopping?" he asked.
I clenched the knife and fork in my hands. "No. I visited my mother's grave, since I've been due to visit for quite a while now".
I didn't realise tears were running down my cheeks until Anna came running with a handkerchief to comfort me. At that, I began to sob all over again. Saying it aloud made my feelings of guilt return. It was like all of the emotions I had kept locked away were now unleashed, and the strength was too much for me to control. I wiped my face and did my best to harden myself again.
"I-I'm sorry, I'll have to excuse myself... I don't feel like eating dinner today". I stumble over my words, trying my best to regain composure and not ruin everyone's meal.
At that, I quickly got up to leave the room. I could see the concern on my family's face but I had nothing more to say to them. I knew better, well aware that the anger directed towards myself would be deflected elsewhere. In order to avoid doing anything I would later regret, I dart towards my room. My steps heavy on the ground, thumping against the stairs and quickening the closer I get to my door. I felt like I was slipping in and out of reality, not fully conscious of where I was going or what I was doing, but finding meaning in it somehow. Realising that I was no longer on the verge of tears, I allowed the muscles on my face to finally relax. Opening the door, I walked towards my balcony and sat on the ground with my back towards the door that was still closed. Anna followed shortly and crouched down to sit beside me. She didn't say a word, didn't even look at me. She gave me the space I needed while ensuring that she would be there for me, if I needed her. That was what I needed as I just stared at the sky, watching the countless stars. I'm not sure how long I stayed there, time was passing without consulting me, but when I woke up I was in bed.
The next day I decided to dedicate to my mental health. As I am handed the invites I have for tea parties and gatherings with other children of influential parents, I ask the maids to reject all invites unless the are compulsory until I say so. I don't want to have to face people who are nitpicking everything I do until I have enough backing to not be forced into a corner. In my previous life I was already suffering from depression and anxiety, a change in bodies would not somehow magically erase that. My biggest fear was that the little motivation I had gathered to continue living would suddenly diminish into nothingness and leave me wishing for death once more. Depression is a terribly difficult guest to take care of, one who refuses to leave. Although for now I could put off attending any parties, how long would that last? I was aware that I was still restricted in that sense. I would have to try and get better, or at least manage my emotions more efficiently. Time waits for no one and though it's frustrating that I do not have the freedom to go at my own pace, at least I would get something out of it.
At my request, the doctor who helped with my leg, came for another visit. In this world depression does exist as a mental health condition and is understood to a certain degree in the medical field. It's likely due to the fact that some of the capture targets are supposed to struggle with inner conflict and mental health issues which the protagonist would help with - as cliché as it is. That being the case, although there is help available, there is still apprehension among the general public in accepting its existence. As though acknowledging struggles would somehow negatively impact them, even though that is not the case. Nevertheless, the family doctor is at least knowledgeable enough to at least act as a therapist, albeit with less psychological knowledge than those in my past life, and give me medication. With no other alternative, this would have to do. It was better than sitting with my emotions and letting myself drown in them.
After explaining everything to my doctor and going through a basic assessment/consultation, he decided to diagnose me with depression and anxiety. We would have weekly therapy sessions for an hour and I would be given mediation alongside tasks to complete to aid my recover. With that I began trying to focus on feeling more myself. Nothing necessarily special, just putting more of a focus on what makes me happy.
The next couple of weeks were the same as usual, light chatter with my family during meal times, my normal lessons, small outings and breaks with Anna to relax. The only difference would be that my family seemed to be walking on eggshells since the day I cried in front of them. I tried my best to pay it no mind. I spoke more comfortably towards my family and they seemed slightly more comfortable and happy with me as well. Well that is, all except for my step brother who still held some hostility against me. But at the very least he would acknowledge my presence now. A slight change, but a change nonetheless. Had there been any noteworthy event I would have remembered it, but instead I found myself constantly trying to catch up to the time that was skidding by me.
In the meantime, my new clothes had finally arrived. I had asked the seamstress to make me comfortable shirts, trousers, skirts, dresses and tops. I could finally restock my wardrobe so I gathered everything except the dresses I might need for more 'extravagant' gatherings and placed them in boxes. Once they had been organised as such, Anna and I headed to the nearby shop to sell all of them and donated the earnings to an orphanage nearby since the money was of no use to me. I was slightly uncomfortable with the fact that it was not my money that I was giving away, feeling guilty that I had spent more money on new clothes. Anna on the other hand seemed to never tire of praising me which only increased my discomfort. One can assume exactly how I previously presented my self through seeing her exaggerated praises to small acts.
Upon getting ready to head home, I was approached by a child, perhaps merely 6 or 7 years of age.
"Sister! Do you want to play with us?" He yelled in excitement. Turning back for face him, I could see a few other children standing behind him and carefully observing me.
I bend down so that we are roughly at eye level with one another. "You shouldn't approach strangers like that. What if I was someone dangerous." I reprimand him and the other children, worried that they may repeat this behaviour.
"But we asked Sister Sarah and she said we're allowed to play, if you say yes!" He huffs, upset at being told off.
As I look up in the direction he was pointing I see that Sarah is someone who works here. Since she was there to supervise and has allowed it, I weigh the pros and cons and decide to agree with the child.
"Okay, I'll play with you all. But make sure to never approach a stranger without telling one of the adults here."
Without even listening to me nagging at them, he grabbed me by the hand and started running in the opposite direction of our carriage. I give up, hopeful that they know better and that Sarah can interject if they ever act in an unsafe manner. Contrary to my nagging, I feel a smile making its way to my lips as the children begin telling Anna and I our roles.
"You're on my team!" A child yells at me!
"Fine, then she's on my team!" Another child yells, pointing at Anna.
Throughout the games of stick in the mud, the children would squabble over every little thing but that was somehow endearing. Even after arguing as though they were sworn enemies, once they were told to apologise to one another, they would make sure to follow through even if it was done reluctantly. Even more endearing was the fact that they would forgive and forget so quickly. While the past for me would be years away, their past was mere seconds away. They were simply playing yet it felt like they were teaching me what it meant to live in the present. Maybe this is a time, a time where I could do anything without caring about the consequences. A time where I didn't understand quite enough to always fear the future. Or in a weird sense, I might have missed the solidarity I was witnessing amongst them. But maybe that too was something I know had, through having Anna by my side. That day I went to sleep physically exhausted. How children can have the energy to play for so long, I will never understand. Even amongst the exhaustion though, I could feel undeniable happiness finally making its way to the surface.
The next day at breakfast I find out that my father had assigned me new tutors as I had wished. Tomorrow I would be starting swordsmanship lessons as that would likely be the hardest for me, therefore it was given priority. I'm thankful that my clothes had been made quickly so I could get dressed in appropriate clothing before heading towards the training grounds to do a general workout before my lesson tomorrow. I needed to test my own physical limits before any proper lessons could take place. Though I was also aware that given the previous day, I would be unable to do as well due to some aches in my leg muscles.