Chapter 3- Mother

It has been 3 days since I began to lock myself in my room to give myself time to think and breathe. But time waits for no one, so today I must take the first step of many towards my freedom and safety. I wake up with the determination to see the day through, regardless of how draining or painful it might be. Today is the day I face my family with new eyes of one who has seen this world for what it is, maybe with new feelings, as a new person. Maybe today we can begin to foster a better relationship, though I don't yet have high hopes for any such thing. 

"Would you like to have breakfast here today?" Anna asks while opening the curtains. Her face has become softer over the days we've gotten closer lazing about together. She no longer speaks in a hurry with her face down. New found confidence allows her to speak at her own pace, head held high.

"I think I'll have breakfast with the rest of the family if that's okay."

Although she appears taken aback she quickly regains composure. "Of course, let's get you ready to have breakfast my lady."

Over the next hour I take a bath and dry my hair. Anna rushes to decide what dress I should wear to be deemed acceptable to the Duke, but that irks me slightly. At the very least, should I not be allowed to wear what I wish when in front of my family or in my own home? She picks out very puffy and extravagant dresses but I don't like any of them. From behind her I can see a simple brown skirt. I must've been given it as a gift as I don't remember buying it myself. I decide to wear that with a white camisole underneath and a beige cardigan on top. I smile with satisfaction at my new outfit which would be significantly more comfortable than any of the dresses in my closet. 

"But that's too simple and the top is too revealing! Wearing a camisole as a top, what would people say about you my lady? The Duke wouldn't be pleased when he sees you wearing this. You should wear something more extravagant to highlight your beauty." Anna continued to nag at me while I was getting myself dressed. I know it comes from a good place of wanting me to look good by society's standards, but thinking of wearing an uncomfortable and itchy dress just to eat would give me indigestion. 

I calmly placate her. "Above all else, my comfort comes first. Besides, this is in the house. I don't see an issue with dressing as I see fit just to go down and eat breakfast."

After a while of back and forth she finally relented. We sat in front of my dressing table and she tied my hair in a simple ponytail, as per my request, while I moisturised my face and put on some studded earrings. Soon I was finished getting ready. It was perfect, very similar to what I would wear in my past life which made me feel more comfortable in my skin, rather than like a doll on display. I couldn't help the smile forming on my lips thinking about how I would change according to my own will. Something as simple as changing how I dress in itself confirmed that I am not who I was and am myself, with my own opinions and decisions. The haze that fell over me upon the revelation of this world's real existence still veils me, but my eyes can see a little clearer now. 

I have always been a bundle of insecurities masked in false confidence, and now was no different. I walked with a confident stride and shaking legs as I made my way into the dining room to sit down for breakfast. "Good morning", I call out to no one in particular, to signify my presence. The heads of my family members instantly swivel to face me as I begin seat myself beside my step brother, and opposite my step mother.

"Good morning", my step mother is the first to respond. I can sense the confusion in her voice and her questioning eyes looking me up and down. 

"What are you wearing?" questions my father. His voice was harsh, clearly condemning me.

"Clothing." I retort. 

"It's unseemly for a girl, let alone of your stature, to dress like that."

"I am a child, I can do as I like. Besides, this is my house, I am only in front of my family. I will wear what I feel comfortable in. Perhaps you don't understand because your clothes are comfortable but I would rather be able to eat and breathe peacefully, at least in my own home. If I cannot do that then I suppose this is not actually a home and is simply a place of residence." I argue while beginning my meal.

An awkward silence falls over the table at my words. I can only assume that they have nothing to say to that, unless they wish to accept that they do not view me as someone belonging to this house. 

After clearing his throat my father finally responds. "Do as you please." It was short and to the point but that was okay. Although everyone was quick to quietly get back to their meals, I alone inwardly celebrated this small, insignificant victory. 

After a short while, when the tense atmosphere had fizzled out, there was light conversation amongst us. My step mother seems to be taking the opportunity I have given, to become friendly with me. Unlike my father who tends to speak harshly, she speaks with a softness that makes her sound both cautious and respectful in her speech. I do feel remorse for how hard she has been trying to make me let down my walls, but it's short lived when I remember what she has taken from me, a family. Nonetheless I continue to respond in a manner that is none too friendly nor too cold. My attitude is more of that of a business partner. But that's enough to have her beaming with happiness. My brother on the other hand, appears to be ignoring my existence which is slightly concerning given that I need his support more than anyone else in the family. 

I suppose I will figure out what to do about the situation between us at a later date. For now I want to focus on who I am and what I want from myself and for the coming future. The difficulty however is that I have no awareness of what to do. While in my previous life I had dabbled in countless hobbies, received a high level of education and gone on to work an official job in healthcare, life here is different. Everything is determined by social standing and the like. But I - as the previous Persephone - was not interested in anything with regard to studies. I am therefore unaware of exactly what I can do, or what I want to do in this life. 

"Father", I call out to him, and he's very quick to turn his attention to me. "I would like to take on extra lessons outside of etiquette, language and mathematics."

"What kind of lessons are you thinking of?"

"Perhaps swordsmanship, history, politics and sciences."

"I - I don't think you're fit for that. You're struggling with the current studies as it is. I see no need to waste the tutors' time and for you to be under more pressure." He spoke in a manner that was all too gentle to be leaving his mouth. Somehow that gave me the feeling that his decision was not yet firm, and that I had the ability to convince him to change his mind. 

"It's their job to teach. If you pay them, it's hardly a waste of time as it's part of their duty. This is something that I want to do, and if you won't allow me to take lessons, I'll just learn on my own". I wipe my mouth in frustration and get up to leave. It's unreal how little power I have over myself, from how I dress to what I learn. I could feel myself slipping away from my goal of getting along with everyone. I hadn't even been in their presence for a long time and yet I was already feeling like this again. Just as I was about to feel disappointed in both my father's response and my own emotions, I heard his voice coming from behind me. 

"Okay. I'll call tutors in." He called out in a rushed voice that sounded as though it was bordering urgency. 

I swivel to face him, and see that urgency is in fact written all over his face. It was clear now that perhaps it was not only my step mother who wanted to get along with me, but my father also. Worried that he may upset me, he chooses to instead comply with my demands. 

"Thank you!" I beam with genuine happiness as I run to give him a hug. It was swift, just enough to show my appreciation but not enough to allow for any discomfort to settle between us. With a smile plastered on my face at my second, miniscule victory I bid everyone goodbye and begin walking back to my room. 

Now that I've taken the step towards receiving more lessons, I can focus on both learning more about this world which I previously didn't care about, and building my reputation. With enough knowledge, I can secure my future without relying solely on the powers of the male figures in my life. Once I get back to my room I decide I deserve a treat for my small achievements and for simply facing such a stressful situation with bravery. 

"Can you get ready so that we can go shopping? I'd like to buy some clothes." I say to Anna. Thankfully she looked to be just as excited as I was quickly agreed.

Keeping most of my outfit the same, I change the cami to a plain shirt and pair this outfit with comfortable black boots - though they were hardly visible due to the skirt. Once Anna and I were finished getting dressed, I check to ensure that I have my ID on hand and we begin to head out. 

The shops I wanted to visit were places that would offer more simple pieces of clothing to replace the unnecessarily extravagant and childish outfits I currently own. We chose to go to the city centre as there would be a larger number of shops and therefore a larger variety of clothing to choose from. Opting to go to a normal shop rather than a high-end one, I choose a few pieces here and there to get me by. From there I go a few doors down to a relatively quiet tailoring shop and let them know what articles of clothing I would like for them to make for me. Accessories such as jewellery and shoes weren't my top priority so once everything else had been sorted, I enter the closest shop to choose a few out. It hadn't taken long to order everything as the centre was packed with many different shops and so were very close to one another. As I had only come out with Anna and a single guard, I asked for all of the shops to deliver everything to the house whenever they could. 

Knowing that I had finished what I came to do, I relaxed and looked up. The sky looked exceptionally  clear today and the warmth suddenly reminded me of my childhood. I could see the sky splayed with images of the days I spent with my mother in the sun, being embraced by the warmth of the world and one another. We would play games or do each other's hair, make flower crowns, have picnics, read books or simply just sit in the company of one another. We would run in a field of flowers without a care in the world. We didn't have the affection of my father but we had each other and that was enough. We'd hold hands and run towards the setting sun, as though maybe, if we could catch it, happiness would be ours to keep. And like that, we who walked home empty handed once the moon had risen, are now spending our time running from sorrow and loneliness. 

Although I had initially planned to return home, I chose to delay that as I walk towards the nearest florist. I create a bouquet with Antirrhinum Opus Yellow, Sunflower Sunrich Orange, Golden Ambition Roses with Eucalyptus and Salal. Yellow was my mother's favourite colour. It's fitting colour for her, one as warm as her soul, as soft and pure as she was.  

"What a pretty bouquet" Anna squeals "is it for your room?"

"No... It's for my mum. I'm going to visit her grave today" I say as I look at the sun high in the sky. I briefly think that she would have loved to have walked hand in hand with me, looking for flowers to buy. 

I sat in silence on the carriage, looking out of the window, wondering what to say to my mother. I hadn't visited her since she had passed because it felt like that would make her absence real. As though if I refused to visit, she would still be alive in my memories. But I couldn't leave her abandoned in this way, I had too much to tell her and today I was going to do just that. I approached the grave once we had arrived, Anna stood two steps behind me out of respect that touched me more than she knows. I gently place the bouquet on her grave. 

"Hi mum, it's been a while since I've seen you. I'm sorry that it's taken my this long to come here." My voice starts to crack.

"I was just afraid of facing reality. I was too young and was afraid of waking up from my dreams and finding myself alone. But I've finally realised that I've never been truly alone. You're always with me ... right here" I point to my heart. 

"You've never left me alone because you'll always be a part of me. And I - I love you so much... and I'm sorry again that I've left you alone for so long." I stop for a moment to try and regain composure that would likely not be found for a while.

"Do you remember when I was young? And we'd spend the day chasing after the sun? You told me that the sun makes you happy as it embraces you and coddles you, like you're being protected. From then on I've always wanted to catch the sun for you, though it's impossible. It was a childish dream in hopes that I could make you happy forever." I laugh halfheartedly. 

"I was too young and naive to be able to do that. Too weak and not enough. I could never bring you the sun to give you eternal happiness, but today I offer you sunflowers..." I break into a sob. 

"In hopes that at the very least, you'll have eternal peace now. I spent the last two years, wallowing in despair. But from now, I will use all of the strength you gave me, to gain enough acceptance and happiness for the both of us. I will live, not just for me, but also for you. I know you didn't feel strong enough to continue, and though it's painful, I will keep strong for you. I will make sure that you'll never be forgotten. I hope that once I am older and accomplished, you will look down at me with pride filling your chest, happy that I was your daughter. "

Anna cried alongside me and knelt down to give me a hug. We were both attempting to comfort one another but the tears wouldn't stop. For the first time since my mother's death, I allowed myself to cry in front of someone else and be comforted by them. How happy would she be to see me growing into someone who can learn to trust again, just little by little? I cried until I couldn't breathe anymore, until my lungs were collapsing from the pain I was finally relieving myself of. The guilt that came from abandoning my mother's grave is slowly being shed. After another few minutes of crying it was time to leave. 

"Goodbye mum, I promise I'll make sure to visit more often from now." I proclaim with determination. 

With that, we turned away and got back into the carriage to head home.