Chapter 30: Our Bonding Time is Productive

Sometimes my brothers and I go to concerts together, we stop at roadside attractions, and on rare occasions we'd even race go-karts. Well, we did that one time but I'm still holding out hope that we'll do that again some day. These little excursions are always spontaneous and full of mindless fun, which is probably why when they end, we carry on as though it never happened. It comes and ends as quickly as a dream that you can only vaguely remember the minute details of when you wake, never to be mentioned again as you trudge through the usual realistic every day nightmare we're such an intricate part of. This afternoon was different than that. Dean and Sam proposed we have a day in for a movie marathon almost simultaneously and gave each other quick looks as though they were in on a big secret together.

"No hunting today?" I ask

"I think we've earned a break" Dean says

"What kind of movies?"

"Horror" He says with a bright smile I haven't seen him replicate in years. And it is replicated… He's trying so hard to mask whatever it is he's masking that I find myself willing to get lost in this fantasy. Everything is normal and there's nothing going on.

"I thought we hate horror movies because they're so fake"

"That's half the fun" He grins, "We'll make a day of it. We'll crack open a few beers, sodas, get popcorn, licorice, raisinetes-"

"Dude, you call me girly?" Sam scoffs

"What?"

"First of all, licorice-"

"Don't get started up on my licorice"

"But raisinetes, too?"

"I'll have you know that raisinetes are a standard movie time food. Everybody likes raisinetes"

I don't like raisinetes but I don't mind the playful bickering between my brothers.

"-Peanut M&M's" Sam says

"That's one thing we both can agree on" Dean says

"I like the originals better" I goad. Dean raises his hand to silence me and shakes his head.

"It's like we're not even brothers" He grumbles. Sam and I laugh and he heads out the door.

"This is nice." I say out loud

"We thought you could use a break"

"So you two planned it?"

Sam frowns innocently and takes a seat beside me on the couch "Not really. It just kind of fell into place. Spur of the moment suggestion." He lies casually and it makes me suspicious. It's such an innocent activity, what could their endgame be? Maybe they don't have one. I'm being paranoid and everything is normal. Sam is on his laptop in an unusually relaxed manner.

"Looking for a case?"

"What? Oh, uh, no" He says and closes it, "So, how are you?"

"Good"

"Good. I'm glad. You haven't been hearing any of that music lately? What was it? Beautiful Dreamer?"

"Not since the hospital. Why?"

"Just curious. Any more nightmares about your mom?"

"Not recently"

"Any trouble sleeping? Flashbacks of what happened? Hallucinations?"

"No?" I frown

"Good. Good." He nods

"Are you okay, Sam?"

"Yeah" He smiles

"Because you're asking a lot of weird questions"

"I'm just curious. Want to make sure my little brother's okay" He says and Dean comes back in with a stack of movies in one hand and a bag of treats in the other.

"What's first? I got American Psycho, Se7en, Psycho, The Omen, and my personal favorite sick son of a bitch Hannibal Lector in The Silence of the Lambs."

My brothers excel at many things. They have impeccable aim. Sam could shoot a flea off a stray cat 50 yards away and Dean can hit the bull's-eye on a dartboard blindfolded and drunk after being spun around in circles for twenty seconds. They're masters at hand-to-hand combat and weaponry of any kind. They have the foresight and driving capabilities of NASCAR racers and don't get me started on identity fraud. There is one area that my brothers are deficient in and that's in interpersonal discretion. Seriously, when you pay attention, they're about as subtle as an atom bomb. I know what their play is almost immediately after the first movie starts. Every few minutes Sam and Dean would look over at me and study my reaction to some grizzly scene on the TV. Both of their arms are stretched over the back of the couch behind my back and Dean asks me questions peppered with encouraging light-hearted smiles.

"Wow. Did you see the way he iced that chick? The worst part is, he doesn't even realize that he's doing it. I guess that can happen in the spur of the moment, though. That ever happen to you?"

"Do I ever kill women in the shower?"

"No, like do you ever lose yourself in the moment. Forget who you are and just…"

"No."

Dean tilts his head back and looks at Sam who makes a face. They think that I'm crazy and they're trying to figure out how far gone I am. I'm so annoyed that I debate whether or not to play along just to mess with them.

"Spacey is brutal. Bet you he didn't lose a single night's sleep over any of those vics"

I stare at the screen.

"Yeah well, he's pretty far gone, Dean" Sam says, "I don't think that stuff ever backs up on him."

"Yeah, you're probably right. See, I couldn't do that. When people start getting hurt… Monsters are one thing, but people?" Dean raises an eyebrow at me "you know what I mean?"

"Sure, Dean"

"I think the worst thing I've ever done, I was, I don't know, sixteen? Dad took me out on this case and I had to take out this shifter. One silver bullet right through the heart, but the shot went clean through and… It hit this girl, couldn'tve been more than twenty years old. You keep moving, but for a long time, she was all I could think about. Don't even get me started on what happened a few weeks back with Lucifer."

"You did your best" I sigh. Fire in the tool store burns my eyes. I blink the memory away.

"That helps" Sam says, "With Madison…" He looks away and clears his throat, "with Madison, knowing I did the right thing helped, but at first the remorse can be crippling"

"What about you? What's your worst?"

"My worst experience with death? My Mom, I guess"

"What about someone you've killed?" Dean says

"Are we still watching the movie, or…"

"No, really."

"I don't know. I've never hurt someone that I didn't have to hurt and if I did, it wasn't my fault."

Dean and Sam exchange another look and I've reached my limit. I'll play.

"It puts the lotion in the basket" Dean says in sync with the psychopath on the screen.

"He really shouldn't hose her down." I cluck, "All he's doing is washing off all of the oil that'll keep her skin moisturized. What he should be doing is making her drink more water. That'll work way better"

"Whose side are you on?" Sam chortles

"It's a toss up between Bill and Hannibal. Hannibal is so smart and clever and Bill is working through some major childhood trauma so, one of them." I say with a straight face. Dean is looking at me like I'm crazy now until Sam clears his throat.

"I wonder what it feels like to pull human flesh off of someone's body. It must feel pretty powerful. She'll be passed out from shock through most of it, probably, but that first slice must just drag on and on while she sits there screaming"

"Okay, stop it" Dean snaps and turns off the television. "What the hell is wrong with you, huh?"

"Calm down, Dean." I snarl as I launch myself off of the couch, "I'm messing with you. Is this really what you think of me? You think I'm some sadistic jerk who gets off on killing people? Or maybe the devil's spawn from The Omen, the kid who murders his own mother? Is that what you think of me?"

"Of course not" Sam says, "We know that you're not malicious or evil, Evan. We're just worried about your lack of-"

"Sanity?"

"Remorse" Dean adds

"How many times am I going to have to through this with you guys? Every time we hunt I end up being lectured whether I save your sorry asses or not! What do you want me to do?"

"We want you to feel something." Dean says

"I do feel something! I feel good when I do my job and I help you guys out. I'm happy that I still have you around and I don't regret a single thing I have to do to make sure you two stay around either. If that makes me crazy, so be it. I'd rather be a crazy kid with my brothers alive than a normal kid without you. I'll do whatever it takes to never see either of you die ever again. I've seen enough death and carnage and your blood in my lifetime and I will never let it happen again." They look so touched and sad, even apologetic but I hold back my triumphant smile. I can't believe I got them off of my back that easy. Is that really all I've had to do all this time to stop their incessant nagging? Awesome. I ham it up a little more with a heavy sigh.

"Can we just… watch some TV instead or something?"

Sam nods thoughtfully and Dean flicks off the movie. I sit between them again and smile softly.

"I love you guys, you know that?"

"We love you too" Sam says and Dean nods but doesn't look at me. The Omen is playing on TV, Damien's bright blue eyes peer back at me silently before his image is replaced with a football game.

From an outsider's view in, Dean would probably look like the easiest one to work over, but that's wrong. Sam is actually the easy one, you just have to know which strings to pull and be careful because he can detect a lie better than a machine. If you know which buttons to push, however, he's easy. All you have to do is give him a sob story that's relevant to something he can relate to and he's yours. Dean, on the other hand, will do his best to not see whatever he thinks you're doing wrong and keep it moving if he likes you. He'll stay quiet and fester until one day he lets it all go and bears down on you without mercy. He's like a hurricane. First you get a wave of disapproval and tension, then he looks the other way and you think you're off the hook, and then comes the storm. Once you're on Dean's conscious radar, you stay there. I find out that I'm on Dean's radar for the first time later that night while Sam was in the bathroom washing up for bedtime. Dean sits me down to talk.

"I get what you said earlier and you're right. If you or Sam were in danger, I'd do whatever it takes to save you. Sam would too. We've done it before and we'll do it again every time. It's our strength as much as it's our weakness and as much as I hate to admit it, you're just as tangled up in this as we are. Fine, but since you're in this now, we're going to lay out a few rules" His voice is low and gravely, His business voice. He raises his hand to count off even though Dean's laws usually come in twos. The first one is usually a culture reference or irrelevant in every way and the second one is serious. I can tell by his face that he's not in the mood to lay down his two ever-changing commandments. He raises one of his fingers.

"One, you assess the situation you're in and you deal with it in the most effective and humane way possible. No more of this shoot first, ask questions later business. It's dangerous and creates more problems than it's worth. If we can use non-deadly force, we use it for the sake of the victim. Got it?"

"Yeah, I got it" I say enthusiastically and he raises another finger

"You listen to us. We're running the show out there which means you follow our lead and do what we say."

"But-"

"But nothing. Like it or not, you're still our kid brother, that means we call the shots and you listen or you ride the bench. Understand?"

"I understand, Dean." I mutter

"What?"

"I understand." I say louder and he nods in the way that he always does when he's flaunting dominance

"We're in this together, Evan. We're a team. You don't seem to care too much about killing people and as much as that scares the crap out of me, you have your heart in the right place so we're good."

I smile a little. "So does that mean you don't think I'm crazy?"

"No, I think you're a sociopath." He says and pats my leg, "get some sleep."

For whatever it's worth, he's probably right about me, but I push it from my mind. I'm glad that at least he still only had two rules even if they were both serious ones.