Chapter 28: My First Fake Name Is David

I've never heard of Dad's old friend Martin before, but then I haven't met most of the people Dad knew. I didn't think Sam and Dean would take me along to help but they do anyway. I have some facial hair growing in and Dean tells me not to try to shave it because I have to look older than I am to get into the adult ward with them. Dean says that after this case, he'll show me how to take care of my "peach fuzz" without nicking myself. I've never had to shave before so this is good timing, I guess. I haven't cut my hair in a while so it sits like a tussled bird's nest on my head. Sam thinks it'll help my disguise. Bobby takes care of the forged paperwork and we head over to Glenwood Springs Psychiatric Hospital in Ketchum, Oklahoma.

Sam, Dean, and I sit on one side of a desk while the shrink sizes us up on the other. I keep my head bowed slightly so he can't look at me too closely and question my age. I watch him through the curly tendrils on my brow while he and my brothers talk.

"You were referred to me by a Dr. Babar in Chicago"

"That's right" Dean says

"Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?"

"I don't know. I don't have any elephant books… Look, Doctor. I think the doc was in over his head with this one, 'cause my brother Alex is…"

I hear Dean whistle and I know he's making a gesture but I keep my eyes plastered on the shrink who glances over at me and moves uncomfortably in his seat.

"Okay, fine, thank you. That's-that's really not necessary. Why don't you tell me how you're feeling, Alex?"

"I'm fine. I mean, okay, a little depressed, I guess" Sam says

"Okay. Any idea why?"

"Probably because I started the apocalypse"

"The…apocalypse?"

"Yeah, that's right"

"And you think you started it?"

"Well, yeah, I mean...I killed this demon, Lilith, and I accidentally freed Lucifer from hell. So now, he's topside, and we're trying to stop him."

"Who is?"

"Me. A-and my brothers. And this one angel."

"Oh, you mean, like a...like an angel on your shoulder." He says and taps his shoulder.

"No. His name's Castiel. He wears a trench coat."

The doctor writes something down in his pad. He shifts again.

"See what I mean, Doc?" Dean says, "The kid's been beating himself up about this for months… The apocalypse wasn't his fault."

He wasn't expecting that. He looks up at Dean stunned. "It's not?"

"No. There was this other demon, Ruby. She got him addicted to demon blood, and near the end, he was practically chugging this stuff. My brother's not evil. He was just...high...yeah? So, could you fix him up so we can get back to traveling around the country and hunting monsters?"

"And… uh… you? Do you feel the same?" He asks as his eyes move in my direction.

"Oh, David here doesn't talk. He's more of an action kind of guy."

"Monster hunting kinds of action?"

"Oh yeah. Shoot first ask later without any regard of consequences at all. That kind of thing. What can I say? Kid's a do'er. The problem isn't with him. He never loses a night's sleep over anything he does. We need to focus on this one over here."

"I see."

He says before he picks up the phone on his desk and cancels his lunch.

The doctor admits all three of to the hospital. I can't believe he really thought I'm twenty-one. All I have to do is not talk for a few days while we take down this case, which won't be difficult. I don't say much these days. The overenthusiastic nurse takes us into the exam room one by one. I don't know what she was doing when she put on the rubber gloves and orders me to take my pants off, but it makes me feel uncomfortable. By the end of her "examination" I decide to block out the memory and pretend it never happened. I close my eyes and try to think of something to combat my body's response to the stimulation. The last thing I need is to join my brothers outside with a raging boner. I'd never hear the end of it. Luckily I get to use the shower before I go back out. It's a cold one.

Dean and Sam are together in the lounge talking when I get out.

"Him too. Both of you" Sam says when I walk over

"Both of who?" I ask

"You and me" Dean whispers, "and you don't talk, remember?"

"Not now, but you should." Sam says, "We need to talk about it. Ellen and Jo-"

"What do you want? Him to sign it to you?"

I grin at Dean's snide joke. I don't want to talk about Ellen and Jo. They're gone. And I feel nothing.

"I said not now, but you two can't just keep this crap in"

"Watch me. Oh, there he is"

I follow my brothers to a table where a frail man is staring out of the window. Sam clears his throat and the man shoots to his feet.

"Sam, Dean, wow. You got boys got big. You look good"

"You too"

He gestures to me, "One of yours?"

"Oh yeah, Uh Martin, this is our brother Evan"

"Nice to meet you" Martin says extending a hand to me. I shake it. "John never mentioned anymore kids"

I pull my hand from his more sharply than he expected and he moves his hand uncomfortably to his side and offers us a seat. He's scared and erratic and stutters a lot. Hunting was too much for him and it broke him into this neurotic empty shell. He's pathetic and I can tell by my brother's faces that they don't respect his weakness. He's crazy and I'll never be like him.

Sam gets pulled into group therapy shortly after our meeting, and then a woman comes for me. Her name is Dr. Wright and her hair is shorter than Dean's. Her room is painted dark grey, which would probably be even darker if she hadn't opened the blinds so much to let the sun in. Her desk is almost completely bear except for her name tag "Dr. Georgia Wright", and some pictures facing away from me. There's a crayon drawn picture on the wall behind her chair. It reminds me of Freddy's room with the backwards "d". Mom's on the floor bleeding, Reggie pisses his pants.

"David?" She says as though she had called me before and I hadn't responded.

I flick my eyes up at her and she smiles softly.

"Dr. Fuller told me that you and your brothers are monster hunters and that you do a lot of traveling. Is that right?"

Her eyes are so dark that they look almost black until she leans forward a bit and the light touches her face. They're hazel.

"He also said that you're a mute. That's what your brother Eddie said during your intake. Does he do most of the talking for you?"

Her eyes are dark rings and her breath smells strongly of coffee. I wonder when she slept last.

"You don't have to speak, David. You can nod if you like" It's not a gentle suggestion. It's a command.

I sit back in my seat and fold my hands on my lap. She licks her bottom lip and does the same.

"Dr. Fuller diagnosed you with undifferentiated schizophrenia and religious psychosis. Basically what that means is that you present symptoms of more than one specific kind of schizophrenia. You specifically show signs and symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia and catatonic. Normally catatonic schizophrenia manifests in a way that causes a patient to stay in one place very still, even if it is uncomfortable, but for you I think it's because you're a mute. My professional opinion is that you're not catatonic. Your muteness is selective, which is a puzzle to me since selective mutism is a childhood disorder." She leans forward on her desk and interlaces her fingers, "which makes me wonder, why don't you speak? Is it because you're afraid that no one will listen?"

I grin at her.

"Eddie may do most of the talking for you on the outside, but in this room, my focus is on what you have to say. There are no judgments and there is no right or wrong. This is a safe environment. You're allowed to talk about your feelings. I want you to understand that. Nod if you understand."

I turn my attention up at the ceiling and start counting the tiny holes in the plaster squares.

"David? Your feelings are important. They will not be invalidated here. Do you understand? Nod if you understand"

This is going to be a long hour.

Dean is making out with a mental chick by the time I get out of my session. I didn't think he would hook up with a crazy girl before but he stares at her ass when she walks away. I raise my hand for a high five and he obliges while Sam rolls his eyes.

We get to open up the next guy who gets plugged over in the morgue. Dean keeps watch and Sam saws off the top of the dude's head and the guy's brain is like a raisin, only bigger.

"Whoa" I breathe

"His brain's been sucked dry"

"That's fascinating" Dean says, "Somebody's coming"

If Dean's pudding bit worked on frisky nurse, she's pretty dumb. If I was her, I would be more curious about the three new guys hanging around inside of the morgue section of the hospital.

The music starts playing shortly after Dean ID's Fuller as the wraith we're looking for. I can hear the chiming of the music box playing Beautiful Dreamer from down the halls. It's in my head and I know it so I don't run to the sound but it keeps getting louder and louder. I cover my ears but it just gets louder. My mom's on the floor bleeding and screaming, Reggie is panting, blood is running from her mouth and the carpet smells so badly. The music gets louder blasting in my mind. Reggie grunts. Mom screams. Someone grabs my arm and I shove him hard off of me. His head cracks hard against the wall and he topples over in a heap. Reggie falls to his knees and cries. Tears and snot dribble off of his face. I stab him in his chest over and over until I'm lifted into the air and slammed onto the ground. My pressed hard against the cold gritty linoleum floor. Besides me, my mother reaches for me. I feel my pants get yanked around my ankles. I reach out as much as I can and hold my mother's hand. I feel a prick of a needle and I'm sleepy. My eyelids rise and fall once when my mother smiles. I open my eyes slowly again and there's an orderly laying unconscious next to me with his face bashed in. The song comes to an end as my eyes close again and I drift into unconsciousness.

When I open my eyes again Dean is by my bedside and my knuckles hurt. My arms and legs are in restraints.

"You're awake." He says. I'm so sleepy.

"Ev, what happened, man? Did you see the wraith? It's not Fuller."

"What? Oh, no. I just… The music was so loud" I mutter and fight to stay awake

"What music?" He frowns, "Sam thinks I cracked. They've got him on something too, but that one's my fault. I'll find it and get us out of here." He says as he undoes my restraints, "don't beat the crap out of anyone. I'll fix this" He calls back at me as he runs from the room and I fall back asleep.

I wake when I hear footsteps run clumsily through the hallway and I force myself to wake up. I'm so groggy but I hear Sam yell in the distance. I push myself out of bed and move towards the sound. With every step I feel like I'm going to fall on my face. There's a crashing sound from inside one of the padded rooms and I swing the door open. Handsy nurse has Dean pinned up against the wall with a spike coming out of her wrist. I grab a pen from her pocket, uncap it, and jam it into her eyeball. She shrieks in pain and falls back as blood and goo weep from her eye. Dean takes the opportunity to stab her in the heart with his silver blade. We both untie Sam's restraints.

"We gotta get out of here"

"Yeah" Sam agrees just as the alarm starts to blare. Just as we get to the car, Sam decides that we should talk.

"Most of the time, I can hide it, but...I am angry. I'm mad at everything. I used to be mad at you and Dad, then Lilith, now it's Lucifer, and I make excuses. I blame Ruby or the demon blood, but it's not their fault. It's not them. It's me. It's inside me. I'm mad all the time. And I don't know why…" He sighs sadly

At least he's never been mad at me. Dean rounds on him.

"Stop. Stop it. So what if you are? What are you gonna do? You gonna take a leave of absence? You gonna say yes to Lucifer? What?"

"No, of course not. I-"

"Exactly. And that's exactly what you're gonna do. You're gonna take all that crap and you're gonna bury it. You're gonna forget about it, because that's how we keep going! That's how we don't end up like Martin! Are you with me?"

Sam and I both stare at Dean in silence. Dean sounds so much like Dad in this moment that it's eerie. Bury it and keep on moving. That's something I'm going to have to get used to without Ellen around.

"Come on. Man. Are you with me?" He repeats

"I'm with you" Sam says.

Dean looks at me "What about you? You gonna bury it and tough it out?"

I don't say anything. I let out a deep breath, wave my hand through the cloud it makes in front of my face, look at Dean and nod. Unlike Sam, I have nothing to bury. I'm don't feel upset about Ellen and Jo. I don't feel anything. I nod again and shrug.

"Good. Let's get the hell out of here" He says and climbs into the car. Sam and I follow his lead and we drive off.