Just disappointed
Huge angst warning, among other things. Read at your own discretion.
. . .
Eren ended up breaking the light bulbs he dropped. So not only did I have to pay for light bulbs we couldn't use, but we were still in need of lightbulbs. So we, aka I, paid for two sets of light bulbs despite only being able to use one.
The guy that assaulted me got arrested, and the rest is history. At least that's what I wish I could say, but there's still a lot more to this story.
The ride back from Home Depot was quiet, to say the least. I was still shaky from it and Eren didn't know exactly what to say.
"So... do you want to talk about it?" Eren asked awkwardly, cutting through the loud silence that had filled the car.
"Not really."
"Oh..." He paused, "Sorry I didn't notice you were gone sooner, I could've done something."
"It's alright, we all make mistakes..."
"But that's just it, Levi, this isn't just a mistake. I'm a really bad friend, I'm sorry."
"Eren-"
"No, let me finish. That was so awful, how he did that, gay men are so- so gross! It's just wrong to be attracted to a guy and it's even worse to assault a straight one!-" Before Eren could finish talking, I slammed my fist down on the car dashboard.
"Let me out here."
"Wh-"
"I SAID: LET ME OUT HERE. Please..."
"Why?" He asked, slowing the car to a stop.
"Eren, I'm bisexual. I'm sorry that you think I'm gross, I'm sorry I am the way I am and that I've just been putting you through my shitty life since last night. You should've just left me in the rain." I spat, shakily clutching my own elbows as I hugged myself in pain, tears threatening to fall from my eyes yet again today.
"Levi, I'm so-"
"Just don't, Eren. I get it. I'm a fag, I'm gross, I'm wrong, I'm going to hell, I've heard it all before. Just save it."
"Wait Levi-"
"Y'know, I honestly thought I'd made a good friend, for once, one I finally wouldn't lose. But it turns out I was wrong, and I'm sorry for wasting your time." I grabbed ahold of the car door handle and opened it; turning my back to Eren. As I stepped out onto the wet grassy sidewalk, only looking back to see Eren's caribbean eyes tainted with a twang of pain, "I'm not mad at you, just disappointed." I murmured softly.
Slamming the car door behind me and waiting to hear the sound of the engine rev, I cried to myself. It's like my life was meant to torture me. I may have all the riches in the world and all the fame to my name, but I couldn't have the one thing I craved the most. A genuine bond with another person, one that lasted, one where they didn't leave me early to the cruelest thing on earth. Fate.
And for my fate? It was to be alone. Heck, how many people have I lost?
My mother. STDs.
Kenny. He left, because I'm not worth it.
Farlan. School shooting.
Isabel. School shooting.
Erwin. Car accident.
Hange. Stopped talking to me after they moved.
And now Eren? All because I'm a faggot?
I don't really believe in God, but whatever I had done in my past life must have been awful if this is my punishment.
Turning around to see Eren had already driven away, I smiled to myself weakly in the night. Hot tears welled up around my eyes, spilling over like lava from a volcano. I sobbed and sobbed on the empty street far from the city, only shaken from my tears by the sound of thunder.
Rain poured heavily, soaking through my clothes instantly and wiping my salty cheeks clean. It was raining again, as it did last night. Only this time there was no Eren there to take me home.
I guess I got what I asked for, Eren to leave me in the rain.
...
I don't know how long I had stood in the rain, but it was long enough for Petra to call my phone.
"Mr. Ackerman thank God you answered, it's midnight!"
"S-hic-orry..." My voice shook slightly.
"What's wrong?" She asked through the phone.
"Nothing." I lied.
Petra took a breath to speak, but paused.
"... Where are you?" She said eventually.
"I don't really know."
"Send me your location, I'll come pick you up."
"Ok."
Sending her my location, turns out I was on a road called 'Forfeiture Road', how fitting.
...
The car ride back to my apartment was quiet. Petra didn't know anything about what had happened today, and she never would.
When I got inside I immediately went to my bathroom.
"Mr. Ackerman-?"
"Not right now Petra, just leave me be."
I wasn't looking at Petra, but I knew she had her usual worried expression. This happens often, to be honest. Not things like Eren or what happened today, but me wandering to a street I don't know and sobbing to myself. Only to come home feeling nothing at all.
Making it to my bathroom, I sprinted to the toilet and belted my guts. Fear always gets the better of me, but I won't let anybody know that.
Now it's time to scrub my skin raw.
. . .
If you have any of the symptoms of this Levi Ackerman, or experience similar things to him like vomiting often to fear, feelings of worthlessness or helplessness, sobbing on a regular basis, careless and impulsive behavior, listlessness, etc.
Know it is never too late to reach out for help, because while the world can seem like a cold and harsh place, you're never alone.
There is always somebody out there who's worried for you, who loves you, who would do anything for you. Even if you don't notice it. You're worth so much. (Literally your body completely intact is worth $45 million USD.)
The only person who can decide that you're worthless is yourself. The only person who can decide to give up is you. Ask yourself this, are you willing to fight?
Life is a bloody battle, with so many casualties. But you don't have to be one of them, just don't stop fighting.
People are cruel, and judgemental. And that's not fair, but it's also not your fault.
Reach out. I love you. It doesn't matter if I know you or not, what you may look like or who you may be, you're worth something.
Somebody will always see worth in you, especially as long as I'm alive.
When you start seeing your worth, you'll find it harder to stay around people who don't.
You should always come first to yourself, it's not selfish.