Ep. 62 - Time Goes On, Missions, Game Clear

And so, time passed.

Argo started creating such detailed guides that basically everyone started moving onto higher floors. She was attacked a few times by Laughing Coffin and other such Guilds, but her familiar quickly dispatched everyone. Amethyst was pissed at those guilds, so she summoned every single player affiliated with PKing and killed them all, in streaming, in front of all of Aincrad. Well, there were a couple that were considered Orange players because they defended themselves, but we have Omniscience, so they are safe and have been returned to Green players.

Yuna completed her music book. It was a lot of musical theory and what sounds she liked. It was very valuable to me since music in the DanMachi universe is… Eh. I rewarded her with a Lute that will cast buffs or debuffs on all those who hear its sound, depending on Yuna's intent. I didn't tell her, but the Lute will follow her to the real world, like the familiars.

She also started holding concerts that are broadcasted throughout the game, so that everyone can see them. The Tower of Knowledge is a fantastic location and many players have started coming here when the concerts are held.

Silica was adorable and started an entertainment business with Pina: the 'Silica Express', which is basically giving rides on Pina's back. After Diana's blessing, Pina gained the ability to actually be useful and increase or decrease in size.

Kirito and Asuna got together, like in canon, which is great. I mean, those two are a pretty good couple. Not as good as me and my wives, who I am spoiling like hell, but still pretty good. Oh, they bought a log house here on the 22nd Floor, the lake just next to mine, so we are neighbors. Oh, and the whole Yui incident happened.

Now then, onto the more important stuff: we are the most popular NPC's in the game. The 19 Origin Gods will generously give you quests that will boost you immensely, or give you a troll quest. This all depends on their moods and how much they like you. This was the general consensus of the players. Well, after our little purge, people started wondering if we were GM's or something since NPC's don't actively punish Guilds. Well, they will never know.

Honestly, the best part of the vacation was giving almost impossible quests that were basically torture and rewarding players with 'Dragon Dung'. Little did they know that it was the best material for weapons and armor, so they mostly dismantled it. Then, one guy tried making a joke weapon with it and saw that it was absolutely OP and everyone regretted their whole life choices. Me and Loki broadcast the entire group laughing our asses off and had the 'Highlight Reel' with the best faces out there.

Diana then broadcasted a message throughout the game: "You seriously dismantled my generous gifts?! How dare you?! Never again shall I reward you!"

That caused another session of regret. Some weak willed scrub tried suicide, but I prevented it.

Anyway, the 22nd Floor was the base of all the most prominent guilds since the Tower was there. Basically it was a rule that, if you wanted to be successful, you had to be on the same Floor as us.

I had actually started a message thread with Kayaba, just to understand him. Thing is, he was a genius. An absolutely mad genius. Like, from now on, if someone asks me who I picture when thinking about a 'mad scientist', I will say Akihiko Kayaba. Him or Rintaro Okabe from Steins;Gate. That guy is pretty mad as well. Maybe chuuni is a better word for him.

Well, Kayaba was interesting, but SAO itself was getting a little boring, so I started giving out some more interesting quests: fighting legendary enemies I created on the fly, defending a town from a dungeon outbreak, and so on. Everything was rewarded very generously. Well, I am a God, so material possessions are nothing more than amusement to me. I also made some missions for the non-combatants, like making us a meal we would deem worthy or fishing up one of the Kois from the lake. That last one was rewarded with a godly fishing rod.

Oh well, that was pretty fun, but the climax of the game is here! After an entire year, Floor 75!

Since I saw that Kirito had his doubts on Heathcliff, I decided to participate in this Boss fight. Well, I say participate, but I will buff the Boss to ungodly levels and see if it can make the players shit their pants. I added in the game the debuff 'Soiled Pants', in homage to the best abridged series out there. It activates when the fear levels reach a certain threshold.

When Kirito saw me at the Dungeon, he tried escaping, but I just made him float.

"Kirito! You dare try to escape the fight?!"

"It won't be a fight if you are involved! It will be a massacre! You buffed the Boss! It was already at almost unbeatable levels and it was the 1st Floor! What the hell are you trying to do?!" he started spouting such nonsense on my account.

"Oh, I will make the fight more interesting! But, don't you worry, no one will die… Probably"

"Oh, for fuck's sake!"

"Fine! I'll just modify it a little!"

At any rate, I had to drag Kirito all the way to the Boss. Asuna just kinda had dead eyes and was reconsidering her life choices. Seriously? A buffed Boss can cause so much trauma?

When we entered the Boss room, I stopped time and started working on my personal Boss. I made it look like a Death Stalker, just ten times worse. It now had five tails, four pincers, a human torso made out of rotting flesh, 100 health bars, special attacks, breath attacks, and so on. To balance it out, I gave it several weak points and shitty defense stats. As in Floor 1 defense stats.

I unfroze time and brought out my throne and some coffee.

"You might not want to look above you." I said. The Boss was set to fall on top of the unfortunate nobody that looked to the ceiling. Otherwise, it wouldn't even fight you.

Then, an idiot from Klein's guild looked up. He was squashed by the Death Stalker.

"Tula… You seriously gave it 100 health bars?" asked Kirito

"Yup."

"And you made it look like it came out of a horror movie?" this time it was Asuna

"Exactly."

"Please don't tell me you made it so that it wouldn't even attack us if we followed your 'suggestion'..." Kirito said.

"Oh my! You know me so well! You see now? A year inside a death game can bring so many friendships about!"

"Fuck. You."

"Rude little bitch. I'll curse you to never get an erection for a year."

"Please, Tula-sama, don't curse me!" he said while kneeling.

Then Heathcliff happened to talk: "Hey, I don't know what you two are talking about, but we have a massive horror-freak to defeat!"

The battle was bloody as hell. I didn't prevent deaths, though I will keep their real bodies alive so that I can resurrect them after the battle. Only Heathcliff, Kirito, and Asuna remained. The Boss still had 14 health bars. I was munching on some popcorn since the fight was actually interesting. This must be how Ozpin felt while watching Initiation for all those years. At this point, Heathcliff was acting like the tank, Kirito stunned the opponent with parries, and Asuna attacked. The combination was pretty good and the Boss was going down. It's actually not that hard if you manage to not die in one hit: the thing is like a paper cannon. It even gets damaged on its own when attacking!

After another 20 minutes or so, the Boss was defeated, so I started clapping.

"Marvelous! A great fight at the end. A pity that the rest of the cannon fodder couldn't witness it. Oh, let's bring them back now." I said and snapped my fingers, bringing back from the dead the other players. They looked scared and confused as hell, so I spoke again. "I did say that no one would die. Now then, onwards to the next floor!"

Not so quickly, apparently, as Kirito started unmasking Heathcliff in front of everyone. I just looked on with a bucket of popcorn in hand. I actually joined the players and offered some. They looked at me weirdly. To them, this is the man that locked them in a death game for more than a year. To me, he is a genius that created my vacation location.

"Ok, ok, ok… Stop here. Let's have a duel: Kirito vs. Heathcliff, whoever dies first loses. If you die, Kayaba, the game gets cleared. Now, get ready…" I said. I checked that they both got ready. "Fight!"

It went the exact same way as in canon. Well, I might have had a play in it since Kirito's equipment was made by me. His primary sword was 'Excalibur Morgan', while the secondary one became the 'Elucidator'. I did kinda break the Elucidator like the sword did in the original.

Oh well, Asuna still took the hit for him since I deactivated her paralysis. Then, Kirito gets stabbed! Oh no! Just kidding. I again had to make it so that his equipment couldn't stop the hit. This is getting annoying, but I kinda liked the scene. Must have something to do with trolling Kayaba.

Oh, on another note, I had already hijacked Aincrad, so it won't get destroyed but transported to my inner world instead. I have been talking about this inner world for a while, but I never described it, did I? Well, it's an enormous open field with floating mountains, enormous waterfalls, expanses of land covered in flowers, rivers, trees, a 'World Tree' like the one in ALO since I kinda liked it, then, in the center of everything, is my Tower of Knowledge, which is connected to the one in Aincrad. To put it simply, the interior is the same dimension, while the exterior only acts as a container.

Back to the fight. Kirito is dead! Kirito activates Hax-mode! Kirito kills Kayaba! Then, the clear message started playing, but I hijacked it and changed it:

"People, players, fatasses stuck in your mothers' basements! The game has been cleared! Don't worry, you will find on your beds a contact list with the real world names and phone numbers of those you consider friends or more!

Also, if you didn't notice already, it's me! The ��Origin God of Primordial Knowledge'! We were not NPC's but real Gods. Most of those rewards you got from us will be transported to the real world!

Now, go back to your families, friends, work (if you still have it), and so on!

Enjoy your lives and… I might just see you again in the future!"

Yes, I decided to gift most of the rewards to the players. It's for research: what will a human do when they receive an OP familiar, weapon, and/or armor? Will they try to conquer the world? Will they become criminals for some easy money? Will they just think they are still in the game? So many things to learn…

Anyway, I then reached Kirito and Asuna in that floating observation point thing. I found them talking aka crying about dying and their real names. I waited for them to finish and hug before talking.

"You know, I wouldn't be much of a God if I couldn't keep you two alive…"

They were startled and looked back at me. I was squatting just behind them.

"W-we are… not dead?" asked Asuna

"Oh, no, we don't do that here. Everyone that died in this game after the 1st Floor Boss has been disconnected safely and is already back in the real world. Plus, I did bless you two… Well, there is a little problem: Sugou Noboyuki. He wants to keep your consciousness in the virtual world and convince your parents to marry the two of you. Now, I can give you a choice: I can either give the evidence to the authorities or I can do nothing and Kirito will save you in the future. What do you choose?"

"Isn't it obvious?! Give the evidence to the authorities! That creepy fuck…"

"Haha! Already done so. Now, remember about those cards I told you about… Tear them when you wake up." I said and then created the 'Seed' that Kayaba would give Kirito in ALO. "Take this, you will like it. In every world spawned by this bad boy, there will be a Tower of Knowledge. You might find me there. Now, goodbye! See you soon."

Now, why did I do all that? Well, because I wanted to. I want to see what my rewards will do to the players' mentality and have some Japanese ramen after so much time.

First of all, I spread a message throughout all the news outlets in the world: "SAO has been cleared by the player Kirito." I kinda want to see how much attention he gets.

In his hospital room, Kirito aka Kazuto shot awake. He started checking his body and found another one of my little gifts: he was the same as before entering the game. Well, actually, I gave him a more athletic body because the guy wasn't exactly a fan of exercise. He also found the card I talked about and 'Excalibur Morgan' along with his outfit. He stared for a good half an hour at the card, without even realizing that the nurse was calling him and checking his health condition.

A similar scene was happening in Asuna's hospital room. I did a little Godly fuckery, so they are actually hospital neighbors. She was crying while hugging the outfit and a mini-Haku. I made it so that Haku would be invisible to other people except those that knew.

She tore the card.

"Did you miss me so much?" I asked as I appeared in front of her.

She stared at me with wide eyes. "Am I still in the game?"

"Nope. This is as real as reality gets, unfortunately. No more monster-slaying in a death game for you."

She started crying again, then asked: "What about Kirito?"

"Well, he's about to tear the card as well." I said and changed her clothes to her outfit. "Let's go and scare him a little. He's just next door."

She jumped out of bed and took off all of those pesky sensors and needles. We arrived in front of Kirito's door and waited a moment for him to rip the card. But… He didn't, so I entered the room.

"You didn't miss me enough? I did tell you to tear it when you woke up. Well, there is someone who will be very happy to see you for real. But first, a change of outfit." I said and changed his clothes instantly. Then, I called Asuna inside the room.

��We are still in the game?"

"Why that question? You want to test a Godly slap and see if this is a game?"

"So you really are a God… Now I regret not being more religious."

"Ah, no. Those religious Gods are all based off of legends but don't actually exist. Me and the gang are the only Gods in this reality, though we will leave soon."

"So we became friends with 19 Gods, including a dragon and a magical cat?" asked Asuna

"Yup, a good story for your grandkids. Look, those cards will regenerate, so keep them. Call me if there's something interesting going on. I might leave a clone to become your teacher at school but in case I don't, remember about the Tower and the 'Seed'. Bye bye kids! Call me for the wedding!"