32. Chapter 32

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Chapter 32

Lizzy paced the room until a carriage pulled up to the cottage. She did not wait for anyone to come to the door, but met them before they stopped.

The driver jumped down. "Miss Bennet?"

"Yes." She nodded and looked over his shoulder, her brows creasing.

"Your trunks are already aboard, madam. I was instructed by Mr. Darcy to pick up you and Mrs. Collins. Is she here?" He peered at her, eyebrow raised.

"No, she has not returned. Perhaps it would be best to meet her at the parsonage." Lizzy stepped outside and squinted at the manor, trying to recognize the people she saw walking on the lawn. Tightness in her chest eased when she saw that none had Collins's distinctive stomping, lurching walk.

"Yes, madam. I will take you there directly. Are you looking for someone?" He handed her into the carriage.

"Yes, ah, no…"

"Mr. Darcy told me to drive on, and he would meet the carriage on the road. Said he had some final business to finish at the manor, something about a discussion with the vicar." He bobbed his head and returned to his station.

Lizzy's heart fluttered. Darcy was insuring their safe escape! Moreover, although she would never say it aloud, she was glad for his escort. Though short, the trip to London could be dangerous for two women, especially when they rode in a fine carriage that drew as much attention as Lady Catherine's. I am sure she has nothing that does not bear the family crest emblazoned on the side.

Soon they pulled up to the front door of the parsonage. Lizzy pushed the carriage door open and jumped down before the driver could stop her. He looked at her quizzically, but she had no desire to explain her impatient desire to be away from Rosings. She knocked on the door and tapped her foot rapidly until it opened.

Mrs. Clarke peeked out, a look of relief evident on her face. "Come in, come in. We are nearly finished."

Lizzy rushed upstairs and found Charlotte sitting on the floor, staring at several open trunks. Piles of folded garments, books and trinkets surrounded her on all sides.

"The carriage is here," Lizzy said softly.

Charlotte looked at her, tears trickling down her bruised face. "I do not know if I can do this."

"Of course you can. You must. How can you consider any other course? Do you think your father would condone what Mr. Collins has done?" Her sharp tone cut through the somber air.

Charlotte cringed and looked up at Lizzy. "No, no. He said as much before he left, that he would welcome me back home, if…if I should decide to make an extended visit." She lifted a small porcelain figurine and wrapped it in a scarf.

Lizzy crouched beside her. "It sounds as if he was concerned over what Mr. Collins might do."

"He did not say as much, but perhaps he might have been suggesting…I do not know." Charlotte laid the bundle in the center of the nearest trunk.

"Your father has always found it more comfortable to hint at difficult matters than address them directly. Perhaps that is why he and Papa are such good friends— one is all manners, the other all directness. Much like you and I?" Lizzy quirked her eyebrow and closed the nearest trunk. "It is time to go. For the sake of your babe, you must. Mr. Darcy can only keep Mr. Collins occupied at Rosings for so long. We cannot dawdle."

Charlotte nodded, biting her lip. She pushed up off the side of the trunk and stood. Lizzy piled articles in the other, still open trunks while Charlotte walked to the closet and removed several more garments and threw them in as well.

"What else?" Lizzy asked, hands on hips, surveying the room.

"There are several things in that chest of drawers, and several table covers that I embroidered are downstairs in the press in the dining room."

"I will get them and direct the driver upstairs for your trunks?" Lizzy rested her hand on the door jamb.

Charlotte did not turn, her attention fixed on the drawers. "Yes, thank you."

Lizzy met Mrs. Clarke on the stairs. "She is nearly ready."

"Good, I fear you need to be away soon. I do not know how much longer Mr. Collins will be gone. We sent a servant to try and watch the manor, but I do not want to rely on the attention of a scullery maid too much." She took Lizzy's hand. "Take care of your friend, lass. She will need your support. Life does not deal fairly with women who have husbands such as hers."

Lizzy clasped Mrs. Clarke's hands. "Thank you for all you have done for both of us. I hope this does not cost Mr. Clarke the curacy."

"It is of little matter. This be the right thing to do. The Lord will provide if we are to stay here or move to another parish. If not, then we still have the interest on my dowry, and our daughter is settled well and has offered us a place with her. It will be well no matter what."

Lizzy watched her as she continued up the stairs. I wish I had such faith. Will anything ever be well with me again? How can all of this have transpired?

Half an hour later, Mr. Darcy knocked on the door. Mr. Clarke let him in, bolting the door behind him while Lizzy watched from the top of the stairs.

"Is everything ready?" Darcy asked, his words to Clarke, but his eyes on Lizzy.

"The last trunk was strapped on just a few minutes ago. I believe the ladies are prepared." Clarke glanced over his shoulder.

Lizzy nodded and beckoned Charlotte to join her. They hurried to the front door.

"Mrs. Collins, Miss Bennet." Darcy bowed slightly and gestured to the door.

Mr. Clarke handed Charlotte into the carriage, and they spoke quietly for a few minutes.

Lizzy stepped away, overwhelmed by a sense of intruding, and backed into Darcy. "Mr. Darcy…" She looked up at him, his eyes so intense she lost her thought midway.

"You are welcome, Miss Bennet. You offered my cousin a chance at a better life. I will always be grateful to you for that. This is the least I can do to show my gratitude." He tipped his head.

"No, sir, it is not, and you and I both know that. After all that has transpired, you owe me nothing, and most men in your position would offer me less than that. You are a most gracious gentleman to go to so much trouble for us both, and I will forever be in your debt." She tried to break away from his passionate gaze, but it was too powerful, and she remained locked in its spell.

"You are welcome, m'lady." He took her hand and brought it to his lips.

Her cheeks burned, but he gave her no opportunity to respond. He handed her up into the carriage and mounted his stallion. "Drive on!"

The carriage lurched slightly as the horses pulled it out of the shallow ruts in the front of the parsonage.

Charlotte and Lizzy tried to make small talk, but after an hour, they fell into a contemplative silence. When they stopped to change horses and refresh themselves, Darcy said little, though he continued to watch her in a way that both warmed and unsettled her.

The outskirts of London finally came into view.

"Mr. Darcy said that he sent a man ahead this morning with a letter for my aunt and uncle. They should be expecting us," Lizzy said.

Charlotte grunted something between an acknowledgement and a protest.

"You are not pleased?"

"I…I am embarrassed. I do not want them to see me like this." Charlotte hid her face in her hands.

"I know." Papa did not want to be seen by others for so long either. " But you have done nothing wrong."

"I provoked him…"

"No. You, my friend, are a gentle partridge. A partridge does not provoke an adder. It is in the adder's nature to strike." She laid her hand on Charlotte's shoulder. "The Gardiners have met Mr. Collins. They will understand."

The carriage rolled to a stop at the house on Gracechurch Street. Three young boys and an older girl met the carriage. Darcy dismounted and handed Lizzy and Charlotte out of the carriage. The children crowded around Lizzy. Mrs. Gardiner emerged from the doorway and Darcy vaulted up the steps to meet her. They spoke for several minutes, then he returned to instruct the driver, who dismounted to deal with the baggage.

Darcy approached Lizzy, smiling fondly her cousins. All four children stopped and looked up at him. The eldest boy stepped forward.

"I am Thomas Gardiner, sir." He bowed smartly. "This is my sister, Miss Maddie Gardiner, and my brothers, Edward and Matthew."

Darcy bowed, the corners of his mouth just barely twitching. "I am pleased to make your acquaintance sir. I am Mr. Darcy."

The semblance for formality shattered when Maddie giggled. "Are you Lizzy's friend?"

Darcy did not answer, but turned to Lizzy.

She blushed and stammered, "He is a good friend of your Uncle Bennet…and me." She glanced quickly at Darcy.

The smile he had been successfully subduing broke free. "Would you permit me a moment to speak with your cousin, Mr. Gardiner, Miss Gardiner?"

Maddie giggled and blushed while Thomas nodded with innocent solemnity. They took their younger brother's hands and returned to their mother.

"I trust the journey was not too taxing for you or Mrs. Collins?"

"It was most pleasant, thank you. Those words do not adequately express my gratitude. I know it may be indecorous for me to say, but I have never been so thankful to leave a place in my life." She fought the urge to look away, calling upon all her reserves of courage.

He chuckled softly. "There is nothing indecorous in the truth, Miss Bennet. I confess I felt much the same way." His smiled faded and he pressed his lips hard. "I must return to Matlock house with news of my aunt, from there I will have to ride hard to still make passage to Calais from Dover. We still have a conversation to finish, but I fear, it must wait for my return."

"Mr. Darcy—" She shook her head.

"Consider it the payment I demand for the service I have rendered." He cocked his head, but the determination on his face made it clear he would accept no negotiation.

"If you insist, sir. I owe you that much." She blinked rapidly, her eyes stinging.

"And you will assist my sister?"

"I already gave you my word and look forward to meeting her. I know she is a very special young woman."

"On that we agree. I must go now, but I will return as soon as possible. My sister will contact you as soon as she arrives in town." He bowed.

"God speed, sir." She curtsied.

He nodded, then mounted Surtur and rode off.

Lizzy watched the stallion disappear down the crowded street, the bitter smells of the city filling her with loneliness and longing. Her aunt's voice over her shoulder startled her.

"Mr. Darcy's note surprised us this morning. We are certainly happy to have both you and Mrs. Collins stay with us, though. It has been far too long since we have had a visit from you." Aunt Gardiner smiled warmly, her eyes not lingering on Charlotte's face. "I had the maid make up rooms for you both. Little Maddie is so excited to have your company. She says she does not get to be in the company of real ladies nearly enough with her younger brothers underfoot." She turned to Lizzy with a conspiratorial grin. "But the boys are equally excited to have you. They still declare you the best story teller they know!" Her musical laugh rang out, driving away some of their weariness.

Aunt Gardiner led them upstairs with instructions to take as much time as they needed to refresh themselves, and informed them that tea would be served as soon as they ventured downstairs. Lizzy was soon ready, and knocked at Charlotte's door. Charlotte begged exhaustion and wanted nothing more than to sleep, so Lizzy left her and proceeded to the parlor alone.

She found the children waiting for her, and spent the next hour in the pleasure of their innocent company. They all vied for her attention, and she reveled in the experience, ignoring the ache in her heart when the nagging voice continued reminding her that these moments would only be fleeting visits, and such domestic satisfaction would never be hers.

She glanced up to see her aunt standing in the doorway watching them. She blinked and nodded at Lizzy, with a tiny conspiratorial wink. "Children, Cook has fresh biscuits in the kitchen for you."

The boys jumped up and dashed out, laughing and jockeying for position in the race to the kitchen.

Little Maddie turned to Lizzy with her best curtsey. "Will you come with us? Cook makes the most delightful biscuits."

"I think I should take tea with your mother. You would not want her to be lonely, would you?" Lizzy patted her cousin's shoulder. "A lady is always concerned about the comforts of others, and I know you are quite a lady."

Maddie's face fell a little, but she lifted her chin bravely. "You are right, that would not be kind, and I do so want to be a proper gentlewoman." She scurried off after her brothers.

Lizzy watched until the door shut behind her cousin.

"She is so excited to have you here. She has always wished for a sister, and thought you the luckiest person in the world for having four of them," Aunt Gardiner said.

"I wonder what she would say if her brothers were girls? I think then she would be happy to have a brother."

Aunt Gardiner shrugged, smiling, and led them to her personal sitting room. Decorated in pale shades of yellow and with restraint, it exuded tranquility. A small tea service was already set out on the low table between the settee and chairs, sharing space with a writing desk and a stack of ledgers.

Aunt Gardiner set about pouring tea, adding sugar as she knew Lizzy liked. Tears prickled Lizzy's eyes, overwhelmed at the sense of being so well cared for.

"Mr. Darcy gave this to me just before he rode off and asked me to give it to you." Aunt Gardiner reached into her pocket and pulled out a sealed note. She lifted her eyebrow as she pressed it into Lizzy's hand.

Lizzy's cheeks grew hot as clasped it in her hands, her trembling fingers tracing the unbroken seal.

"It seems like there is something you would like to talk to me about, dear." Aunt Gardiner sipped her tea. "Does your father know that this gentleman is corresponding with you?"

Lizzy looked down at the letter in her hands. "Yes… and no. I am afraid the situation is complicated."

"Is it now?"

"Yes. I mean father would not disapprove of the correspondence, or he would not have; but now, well… things have changed, and it is not so proper as it once was." Lizzy squirmed in her chair, a little girl under interrogation.

Mrs. Gardiner nodded and rubbed her knuckle along her lip. "I am certain you think that statement more enlightening than it actually is. It is not like you to speak in riddles. Why will you not speak plainly?"

Lizzy set her teacup down on the table and walked to the window, her hand playing softly along the fabric of the drapes. She watched several carriages pass by. "I do not know what to tell you, or where to begin."

"What is your relationship with Mr. Darcy? I thought you were in Kent visiting with Mrs. Collins."

"Mr. Darcy's aunt is, was, that is to say— she just died— she was Mr. Collins's patron."

"I see. So this is how you know Mr. Darcy?"

Lizzy pulled the curtain back from the window and peered out, counting the people as they passed. "He came to Hertfordshire with his friend Mr. Bingley –"

"That is the name of Jane's betrothed, is it not?"

"Yes." Elizabeth could hear her aunt's nails tapping against the polished table.

"Have you an understanding with Mr. Darcy? I can see no other reason your father would approve of you receiving letters from a gentleman."

"We did." The words caught in Lizzy's throat, like trying to swallow a thistle.

"Did? What happened?" Aunt Gardiner joined her at the window. "Lizzy, dear, look at me. All of this sounds so unlike you; I do not know what to think."

Lizzy slowly turned and dissolved into tears.

Ms. Gardiner wrapped her arms around her and held her until the sobs subsided. She guided them to the settee and produced a handkerchief for Lizzy. "Do you feel better now?"

"A little." Lizzy wiped her eyes and blew her nose.

"I have never seen you like this; tell me what happened."

Hoarse with tears, Lizzy poured out the story from the beginning until her flight from Kent. "I told him our understanding was at an end." She hid her face in her hand, covered with the handkerchief.

"It does not seem he agrees with you. I would hazard to guess that he is not at all finished with that conversation. His attentions to you and your friend make that quite clear." She tipped Lizzy's chin up and looked deeply into her eyes. "Are you certain of your choice now that you have had opportunity to reflect upon it, and upon him?"

"I…I…I do not know." Her voice was barely above a whisper. She wrapped her arms around her waist and rocked forward. "I was so certain when I spoke, but perhaps…oh, I do not know!" Her face knotted with the effort to force back more tears.

"I know you never thought to marry." Aunt Gardiner held Lizzy's hand.

"No, I am not fit—"

"Elizabeth!"

Her aunt's sharp tone made Lizzy jump.

"I do not want to have that conversation with you again!" Aunt Gardiner folded her arms over her chest and wore her best angry mother face. "You have not told him anything, have you?"

"No."

"Why did you feel the need to break off your understanding?"

"Because I cannot trust him," Lizzy whispered.

"Even you can see how thin an excuse that is, given that you have not been as open with him as you insist he should have been with you."

"That is not fair. It is not the same." Lizzy tried to sound petulant, but her voice only came out as pathetic.

"You do not even believe that. Do not give me that look. You have become far too confident in your character judgments, and, in this case, they have not served you well at all."

Lizzy crumpled against the back of the settee and glanced up at her aunt. "You think I was wrong?"

"Really, Lizzy? The very fact this young man has so discomposed you, all the while earning your father's trust, says to me that you have made a very rash and wrong judgment."

"What am I to do?" Lizzy bit her knuckle hard enough to leave deep marks.

"Take your mother's advice. Face your mistake and make it right. Find a way to talk to Mr. Darcy, and even if you do not restore your understanding, hear him out and allow him the honor of saying what he needs to say. The question is how to accomplish that." Aunt Gardiner's lips screwed into a thoughtful frown.

"He asked me to stay and help his sister to plan her wedding when she arrives in London this week." Lizzy clasped her hands together and lifted them almost prayerfully.

"And did you agree?"

"How could I not, in light of the great kindness he was doing us?"

"Then you will have an opportunity to talk with him. That is good." Aunt Gardiner nodded slowly. "I should go and check on the children. Stay and read your letter. Write your father as well, he needs to know all that has happened as well as your current plans."

"I should have considered that already; you are right. I will write him directly."

"You will find all you need in my writing desk. Consider yourself welcome to use it, but do not let Maddie see you. She has begged me for the privilege, but has not yet been granted it." Mrs. Gardiner left.

Lizzy wiped her eyes roughly against her sleeve, blinking to get the gritty feeling out, but having little success. She could feel the letter in her pocket, a sharp corner poking through the thin fabric of her dress. She reached for it, but hesitated. After several false attempts, she finally withdrew it, and turned it over and over in her hands. Her fingertips lingered over the wax seal and unfamiliar signet embossed there. She studied the mark, smiling at how it reminded her of the man who made it.

Her heart pounded thunderously in her ears as her fingers cracked the seal. The little sounds of unfolding the paper seemed impossibly loud, and she looked over her shoulder, wondering if the entire household could hear. But no one entered.

She pressed the paper flat over her lap several times, eyes fixed on the horses paused in the street outside. She focused on the echoes of their hooves against the cobblestone as they rode away. Voices of children playing outside filled the silent space and allowed her that many more moments for contemplation.

Finally the weight of the paper in her lap could not be ignored, and she permitted her eyes to drift down.

Dear Miss Bennet,

No, I cannot call you that. Elizabeth. That is how I think of you, and I cannot force such insincerity from my pen.

Dear Elizabeth.

Tears welled in her eyes and dripped down her cheeks. Her belly ached, and she rubbed her eyes with her fists.

I understand that you are angry with me. I cannot forgive myself for letting you find out the truth of my family's difficulties in such an abhorrent way. It was an awful way to repay you for your kindness to my undeserving cousin. She has abused your friendship and good nature. For this, I am truly sorry.

I regret even more my choice not to share my burdens with you. I should have done that, and I have only my old habits of keeping to myself to call to my defense. The one time I trusted someone outside to help me, it was Anne and her mother, and I discovered their help was bought at a very dear price. I convinced myself my silence was for Georgiana's protection, but perhaps it was for my own as well. The sting of my cousin's threatened betrayals is still very real to me.

I understand why you may not wish to trust me again. Worse still, if word does ever get out of my family's scandal, any association with me could be disadvantageous to you and your sisters. I do not wish to be the means of impugning your good reputations. I fully understand your desire to end our understanding.

The page became too blurry to read, and she wiped her eyes on her sleeve.

I shall always regret losing your good opinion, for I fear once that is lost, it can never be restored. I hope that when I return to London, we might meet again as friends.

I thank you for the help you have promised to my sister. I believe you will like her, and could become faithful friends. She is a good and sweet girl, despite what has happened, and I think you are one of the few who might truly look at her that way.

May God bless you.

Yours, FD

Hands trembling, she folded the note and replaced it in her pocket. She tried to reach for the writing desk, but failed, succumbing to her grief to sob headlong on the settee.