Hello, hello.
Don't take my advice too seriously or personally, I'm an anyomus internet dweller currently lurking on your fics because I like your ideas, or at least like the thought you put into your writing.
I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or upset you.
Anyways...
Alrightly, dont use script style.
Script is for movies and plays, not for writing.
What I mean by this is don't do this.
Reviewer: "Author-san, please stop using script!"
Author: "Nani! How dare you criticize the great me!"
This reads a little better.
"Author-san, please stop using script!" The reviewer squeaked out, wary of the authors wrath.
"Nani!" The author dramaticly threw their hands into the air. "How dare you criticize the great me!"
No names before dialogue , it takes people out of the story and a lot of people wont read a fic if it's in script style.
If you cant tell who is speaking from the dialogue without a name in front of it, then it should probably be re-written.
Grammer is not great but it's passable for this site.
I'll say what I say to a lot of people.
Use Grammarly.
It will improve your grammar a lot and make reading your work more enjoyable.
It's also free!
(I can see lot's of improvement as of ch12 so keep it up!)
Update stability is good for your chapter length, so no complaints.
Story development feels a little too fast/forced. But that's fine, it's better then dragging things out.
Your character isn't consistent, he's a wimp, but suddenly he's a murder hobo that releases bloodlust and kills people.
I think you were trying to show charater development or growth of some kind but missed the mark.
I might be off the mark, but it feels like you have a plan for the story and are pushing it forward based on that plan.
It makes it a little forced if things dont happen 'naturally' to a certain extent.
Keep at it though, plans are only for 'rough stuff', dialogue should be free flowing so as to come off as naturally as possible,
Again, that might be completely off the mark. Disreguard this in that case.
World background is acceptable, no complaints.
Anyways part two...
I like the way you do other characters. They seem to follow their own pattern of speech and aren't just using laugange in the same way your Mc does.
They also seem consistent, or at least not inconsistent.
I also like the Pov switches. The perspectives are done well, it adds a lot
to a story.
I like the cross-over thing. Your 'gathering power' story-line options are limited since power is just gifted to mc daily.
On the other side, I dont enjoy the butchered slang. This is getting too long so I wont get into it, but butchered english + english slang doesn't read well.
'Ripped' was the slang that annoyed me the most.
Though 'my muscles getting more ripped' did crack me up.
'I'm getting ripped' 'that guy is ripped' 'jessica is into big dudes so I'm going to get ripped' is generally how that piece of slang is used.
There's simmular incorrect uses of words throughout the fic. It's fine as people(me) can tell what you mean, and what your thoughts/intentions were when you write stuff.
But definitely something to work on.
Anyway...
I hope to see more from you, keep writing and improving, watch youtube vid's on writing, and write as much as possible.
Again, I like what you're making, keep it up!
