Your Heart Knows Mine

The train stops at the station of Seoul at exactly six pm. The sun already went down when we step into the platform and head into the buzzling city night life of Seoul.

Namjoon decided to go ahead because he still had something to do but not before he told Seokjin that he would be expecting him tomorrow at Bighit Entertainment building.

Seokjin agreed and we both decided to talk about what we're going to do tomorrow once we have our dinner tonight.

He takes me to a fancy restaurant nearby and order some good food that I have no knowledge about.

We use chopsticks but I struggle in keeping it in my fingers when I eat.

The food always fall back into the plate everytime I try to pick it up and I start getting frustrated.

Seokjin is watching me the whole time with that amusing smile on his face and I get so annoyed that I ask the waiter to get me a pair of spoon and fork.

Once in a while, I catch glimpses of people watching me when I eat but I don't care. I eat my whole meal and realized how hungry I have been.

"So what now?" he asks, after I gulp down the last amount of my meal.

I suddenly remember the promise I made to Namjoon earlier. That I would think about what I'm going to do tomorrow.

Or, what Sun Hee would do tomorrow.

"Here's the plan," I begin to explain with full details. "I'll sleep tonight and say goodbye to this body. Tomorrow, I'll wake up as Sun Hee and she will have no idea why she's here. So you have to tell her the truth. That I took control of her body and led her back here."

"And then what?"

"You'll have to convince her to look for a part time job. There's many around here somewhere. Looking won't be a problem."

"Sun Hee hates part time jobs," Seokjin says hopelessly.

I scowl at that but continue to explain anyway. "You have to convince her really hard. She'll listen to you. While she continues to pursue her dreams of becoming an actress, she has to work and save money."

"Sun Hee has a lot of money," Seokjin says, feeling dismayed.

"Oh so she's rich," I say, rolling my eyes, but I push on. "Okay. But money runs out, you know. She has to find something to do while she's here."

"I don't think she'll like that. She'll probably go home to Busan tomorrow once she'll realize she's in Seoul."

"That's why you have to convince her to find a job," I say with determination in my words. "She's going to stay if she has something to do. And you have to convince her really really hard to accomplish her dreams. Give her illusions. Make her believe that she's almost there. That you and her are gonna make it. Stuffs like that."

Seokjin is silent for a moment, probably thinking about it. Then he nods his head and says," Alright. I'll try. "

"Tell her that you're going to debut soon. She'll like it. "

Seokjin smiles." I really hope so. "

I know he isn't convinced with that so I put my hands over his and looks into his eyes with courage. "Trust me, she'll believe in you," I say. Then I give him a reassuring smile to make him believe that I really mean what I said.

I don't really know it that's true but Sun Hee's heart is the same as mine, and we both love Seokjin with all our hearts, so I'm sure she will listen to him.

He returns my smile with a hint of hope in his eyes.

"You know, I never really get to know you before," he says and pause to look down at his hands, probably thinking or organizing the words he's going to say next. Then he raises his head and looks at me with a smile on his face. "But I'm glad that I do now."

"Are you talking about me or Sun Hee?" I ask in confusion.

"You, apparently," he answers. "I never really think you have a life of your own. At first, I thought you're only the side effect of Sun Hee's brain disorder, but you speak to me in the most normal way and tells me things that encourage me. And for that, I am glad to know you better."

"Is that supposed to be an insult or a compliment?"I say, hinting on that word he used to describe Sun Hee.

But he chuckles as if he isn't expecting that as my answer.

"I mean it. Whoever you are, thank you." He said this without any sign of deceit and I look at him really hard because he finally acknowledges my existence as someone other than person who owns this body. It makes my heart flutter for a split second.

And I hope, sincerely and whole heartedly, that this is real and he is real and that I am real, that all of this would never resolve to be just a dream tomorrow when I wake up.

***

The night is late when we finally found an apartment for me to stay. It's near the Han River, with a spectacular view of the river's magnificent waters that reflect the lights of the city. Seokjin says Sun Hee loves the water so much that everytime she looks at the Han River, she doesn't feel homesick anymore. It was the closest to home she's got and she spends time every night to watch the scenery from her window in her apartment before.

Seokjin carries my baggage and push it inside my room. We stand in the doorway side by side, couldn't think of a word to say.

So I guess this is it now. Once I fall asleep, this is all over. Seokjin will probably never ever remember me.

Seokjin clears his throat to break the silence.

"So I have to go now," he says.

I nod my head nonchalantly. "Yeah."

I don't know what to say really. I'm too overwhelmed with the fact that my time with him has finally come to an end. I wish there will be another day. Just another day. And I'd be really okay with that. I didn't even get to meet the other BTS members. How heartbreaking. I would have love to meet Suga.

"Hey, are you crying?" Seokjin asks.

I touch my cheeks and feel the warm liquid flowing from my eyes.

I feel embarrassed and try to turn away from him.

There was a long, deafening silence for a minute, before he burst in sarcastic laughter.

"Sunny-shi," he says.

And have I heard it right? Did he just call me by my name?

I turn back to face him, wiping the tears from my eyes.

He puts his hands on both of my shoulders and looks down on me.

"Sunny-shi"

That name again. I think my heart's about to come out of my chest.

"What?" I ask, staring back at him.

He wipes the tears from my face with his thumb very gently and slowly.

"When you're back in the future, will you come see me there and tell me that I made it?"

I sneer in amusement. "I thought you don't believe I came from the future?"

But his face is serious. For a moment, I think I see his doubts again, those fears that probably haunt him during his dark times, and those worries that tomorrow might not be as bright as he imagined.

Yet again, his lips curled into a smile, and he shrugs his shoulders as if everything isn't a big deal.

"I just thought maybe you could give me a message there," he says. "That is, if you're really from the future."

"But I really am from the future."

"Yeah, so tell the future me that I'm handsome too."

I almost burst out laughing. He is Kim Seokjin, indeed.

But I notice that he only said it to stop me from crying.

So I give him a smile, one that reassures him that I'm fine.

But I did not tell him that it's impossible to meet him in the future, because he lives so far away from me. I did not tell him that even if I attend their concerts and see him in on stage as VIP, he would never ever know who I am, would never ever identify me among all the girls who shout his name and pour all their love to him. And I did not tell him that I want hug him, to feel his body against mine, and to tell him that I'll miss him.

I didn't because I'm not the Sun Hee he loves. He may have acknowledged me now but I'm still a stranger to him. He doesn't know anything about me. He doesn't know if I was only lying to him or not, and he doesn't love me.

He pats my head for the last time before he turns around and heads towards the corridor, leaving me standing by the door. I keep my eyes on him until he disappears in a corner, without even bothering to look back at me.

I stand there, with my heart so tight in my chest I swear it feels like the whole world is crashing on me.

I will miss him. I will forever miss him.

This dream doesn't feel like a dream anymore. I rush back inside and rummage through Sun Hee's baggage to look for a piece of paper.

I have something to tell Sun Hee once she wakes up tomorrow. But looking inside, I found the note instead.

I keep it safe and place it on a desk by the bed, to get easily noticed by her once she wakes up. Then I look for a pen and paper and starts writing a message for her. I write it sincerely and wholeheartedly, hoping that she will understand my heart.

Then I place it beside the note under the lamp light and head towards the bed. I don't even bother to change clothes. I fall into the bed and curled under the blanket, and cry. I cry really hard, until my eyes sore and I couldn't open them anymore. I drift to a strange dreamless sleep, my heart not ready to face reality tomorrow.

No dreams came. Just darkness. Pure darkness.