Birdfriend. 

(Note: Last Fluff Focused chapter in a while, next up is all plot and grind. Enjoy!)

Magnus went to the school's kitchen so many times he was willing to bet he could go there blindfolded.

But if there was one thing he would never, ever, get used to; it was tickling the pear.

Yes, the food was worth it, but it was still bloody embarrassing.

That's why he always made sure that he was very much alone before he got in, and that Colin Creevey and his damned camera were on the other end of the castle, he had a reputation to consider after all.

He was the crazy talented wizard, not the crazy nutjob wizard.

Magnus being Magnus, he thought about it from the moment he suggested they'd grab a bite there and found a way to keep his cake and dignity.

"That's a bag's arse." Fleur said, making him guffaw.

"What?" He said, Fleur was a relentless tease and perfectly able to swear like a sailor, but this kind of casual vulgarity wasn't her style.

She at least had the decency to blush, muttering something in French his innocent ears absolutely didn't want to hear before looking at him with a look that said 'You better forget I said this.', obviously, he wouldn't.

"That came out wrong." She said, "I meant that it is a dead end."

And technically it was, there was nothing but a few portrait and tapestries here, nobody in their right mind would believe the kitchens were actually hidden behind a freaking painting.

"Ah, sometimes I forget you're new to Hogwarts." He smiled, "Just tickle the pear."

That made her pause.

"Excusez moi?"

Her confused face was adorable, Magnus added it to the list of utterly cute things Fleur did. Presently, it included her sighs, smiles, giggles, occasional snorts whose existence she denies (One day, he'll get it on tape.) and nearly every single thing she did in his presence.

Yeah, he had it bad, sue him.

"Tickle the pear." His smile only grew, knowing he was about to get a lot of entertainment value out of this lunch.

"...Is it some sort of British idiom?" She asked, looking mildly disturbed.

"Nope." He didn't pop the p, why does everyone pop the p? "See the pear?"

"Yes." she said slowly, still not understanding what in the flying fuck he was saying.

"Good, now tickle it."

"Are you serious?"

Now she was just asking for it.

"That's my middle name, yes." He smiled roguishly in way that would surely lend him a detention with Snape. "But my father says being Sirius is more like a way of life."

"Magnus…" She rolled her eyes.

"Alright, alright." he raised his hand in surrender. "You have to tickle the pear to go to the kitchens."

Fleur looked at him long and hard, searching for a sign of deceit in his face. She found nothing, which only confused her further.

"Why would they do that?" She asked, getting near the painting and preparing herself for what she was about to do.

"Beats me." He grinned.

Fleur tickled the pear very nicely, it squirmed and laughed much to her distress. Eventually, the passage was opened and she looked back to a very amused Magnus.

"I feel defiled." She said plainly.

"I'm sure you'll get over it." He chuckled, he promptly decided that the two of them would have many trips there in the near future, this was prime entertainment.

"Aren't you supposed to comfort me?" She pouted, adding another item to his list of cute things.

"Hmm." He mock-pondered, "I know exactly what you need."

Magnus led her inside the kitchens, greeting a few familiar faces along the way, he ignored her puzzled look when she saw him greet house elves by name until they reached 'his' table.

He pulled her chair, earning himself a smile while she sat down, before settling on the opposite side.

By then, the elves had already determined who shall have the honor of doing some extra work this time. (Fortunately, it didn't escalate into physical conflict, this time.) and a rather young little elf called Gimpsy asked the kind students what they wanted...until the fire nation attacked.

And by fire nation, I meant the Top D.

"The Great Harry Potter's Scary Friend is mine! Sock Off you Elvish Twat!"

Dobby all but screeched at the poor thing to go away, Magnus was pretty sure he saw some tears in there, but he knew better than to get between house elves who wanted to work.

"Hello Dobby." He said, and the elf did a full one eighty.

"It is so good to see you Harry Potter's Scary Friend, what do you want to eat today?" He was practically Flash-Style vibrating.

'Damn, Dobby's trying to reach a higher plane of existence.' Magnus whistled internally.

"Could I have some steak, please? And a dessert, doesn't matter which as long as there's chocolate in it." He smiled, before looking at his increasingly disturbed lady friend. "And you?"

"Same thing." Fleur looked at Dobby in open wonder, and he didn't fault her.

Bugger was mad as all hells, maybe he should hire him full time?

"Oh, are you Magny's birdfriend?" The top D said, looking impressed. "Good job, She's way bigger than Hedwig, prettier too!"

Magnus snorted.

"Whose this Hedwig?" Fleur asked, and she didn't look too pleased.

He took a moment to enjoy the anger in her eyes, hoping it wasn't only because Dobby called her a fat bird.

"An owl." He was blunt.

"Oh." And the anger faded, being replaced by a double dose of confusion.

"Oh, indeed." He said, amused by her antics, before looking at the smirking elf. "And no dobby, she isn't my birdfriend, just a friend who's also a bird."

"I'm going to curse you one day, petit batard." She said after one of her more colorful string of cuss words.

"Ah, I see, you have trouble pulling chicks." Dobby nodded sagely, "That's because you're acting too much like a Beta male, you need to resume the grind if you want to attract females, Magny."

"Quoi?"

"You should buy my new House-elf university course, 'How to make socks and pull hoes', it's only ten galleons and has everything you'll ever need to escape the Rat race." The Top D said, "Think about it while I fix you some food."

And with a pop he went away.

"Could you please explain what just happened?" Fleur asked him, rubbing her forehead.

"Believe me." Magnus looked her right in the eyes. "I don't know either."

She shook her head, picked up some bread that had popped in their table some time ago and munched on it, trying to leave this whole mess behind her.

Key word being 'tried'.

"You're cute when you're confused.".

She choked on her food.