The Beginning of my End

"I'm tired...."

I said this words as I stood up on the railings of the hospital rooftop. I looked up at the sky, then closed my teary eyes. I felt the breeze trying to push me away, back to my safety.

"Don't..."

My mind tried to fend it off silently.

"That isn't safety. It's suffering. Pain. Don't push me back in there. I want to be free. I badly want it.... Freedom... From pain, from this hellish suffering... I want freedom from being a living body..."

I cried it out silently, knees shaking, but with determination.

My heart disease is at it's end stage. I'm basically just... Waiting to die. Three years ago, I was diagnosed with advanced heart disease. Heart failure. The doctors said this will probably be the end result. It didn't show that much. It was just that I was shorter in breath than usual. That's it. However, after a year, I noticed. Mama and Papa noticed. I started having sudden palpitations. I started experiencing excruciating pain in my chest. I burned out way too easily, so they took me back to the hospital. It was loud and clear as it echoed in my confused mind.

"His heart disease is progressing in an unprecedented rate. At this rate, his life is already nearing its limits. A year or two. That's his longest life expectancy, I'm afraid."

That was what the doctor said to my parents. How did I know? I sneaked into the door where they've been discussing my disease. And guess what? I'm basically restricted to do anything "reckless" now. I can't go out by myself, or simply go out without a wheelchair. From playing basketball and volleyball, I ended up playing boring games like chess and crossword puzzles. I was rebellious about it at first, obviously. I wasn't accustomed to that sort of life, you know. I was used to live with more of it... That thing I call "freedom". As time passes, however, I lost sight of that thing. As I started to accept my fate, I lost the will to search for it. I became nothing but a shadow of my former self.

And then about half a year ago, it has come to the final lap. My heart disease progressed to its end stage. MY END STAGE. Just about then, I realized:

"I could've had at least a bit more of freedom... I should have... I want more of it... Living like a normal person, hanging out with my friends, playing sports I like, meeting many people and eventually finding my soulmate..."

I slowly regained my will to live, ironically when I was dying. Funny, isn't it?

This is absurd... How could I think of it as funny? I think I'm losing my mind... I've grown to weak, huh... I guess I'm just too tired to think about it...

"I'm tired."

I prepared myself to meet my grandfather, who had died two years ago at the beginning of my journey to death. I also left a note by my table at my room. It was to Mama and Papa, and to my little brother, Dion. I remembered how I cried while writing the last line of that letter: "I'll be going now. Take care!"

Now, to finish it off. I slowly took a step to my freedom. Tears try to stop me, but I know this is unstoppable. I slowly lost my balance, and slowly fell from the 15th floor.

All this time, my eyes were closed.

I felt a loud shake. It felt like I made impact... Am I free now?

I slowly opened my eyes... And tears came out of me. I looked down, and I saw the ground. I...was hanging...

I looked up, and saw this girl desperately holding onto me... By my shirt...

I couldn't see her face properly with all those tears in my eyes and the hair of hers covering almost all of her face.

I wanted to protest, make her let go of me.

I tried to strangle out of her grasp, but she didn't let go.

I shouted at her.

"Let go! You don't need to help me, this is what I want! My life is useless, anyway! I'm just waiting for my death, so I'll be going now before I grow regrets!"

I put up quite the drama, didn't I? I hope it was enough to make her let go of me, because as she hold onto me, I also start to hold onto hope.

She smiled.

"Useless?"

She laughs with small drops of tears from her eyes.

"Then I'll stay with you until your life runs out. I'm sure it won't be useless that way, isn't it?"

I was speechless... My dying heart, for the second time in my life, begged me to hold onto hope. The first time was when my grandfather told me to live before he died...

I slowly broked down... I cried, unintentionally, as she said those words.

She pulled me up, and panted with exhaustion.

I knelt down and cried. Then I asked the reckless girl:

"Why? Why do you care about me? Who are you? And how did you know that I'll be jumping?"

She replies with the most funny words.

"Isn't it obvious? You were standing at the railing, what else could that mean? You're crying, too. As for who I am, don't worry about it. I'm just a passerby who accidentally saved you."

I was dumbfounded by what she said. She's one mysterious girl, that's for sure. I was worried for a second... I thought I heard her say she'd accompany me until I die? Was that really true? What's gotten into her? Wha--

Everything stopped.

The sound of cars, the cicadas from a distance, the sound of gusting winds. My whole world stopped when she suddenly hugged me and whispered by my ear.

"Hold onto me, Shion. Let me be your freedom. I promise, I won't let go until it's time to. So just hold onto me, as tightly as you can. You're not useless, and most importantly your life still has meaning to it. If you can't find that meaning, then look at me. That's where you will find it."