DECISIONS

"Dad, can we not talk about it. It's really embarrassing" l said to my father hiding my face in the collar of my shirt

"Oh come on, can you blame me for wanting to know. This is the first time l have ever seen you so excited about something that has to do with a boy " he said with a wide grin, wrinkling the corners of his eyes, wiggling his eyebrows in my direction

"okay fine, only if you promise not to laugh or tease me" l said holding out my pinky for him to swear. This is something we always do, in order to solidify that we will stick to our word

"pinky promise", he said bringing our joined pinkies to his lips. I let out a smile but before l could tell him what his ears itched to hear, the sound of a horn blaring on the right side of the car caused both of us to turn our head in the direction of the sound, our conversation long forgotten.

The realisation on my father's face caused my inside to twist in a uncomfortable way, bile rising to my throat. He tried, he really did try to swerve the car in the opposite direction of the truck before his favourite run down truck was tossed in the air and on the side of the road, causing the car to roll down the steep hill.

The car finally settled, upside down with the seat belt piercing my chest. I looked to the side of the car only to find a log situated between my father's thighs and the windshield. Smoke puffed out of the engine but l paid it no mind because all l wanted to do was set my father free

"Dad" l called out as he lay unconscious, the glass scattered all over his body. I started screaming his name and thrashing all over the car in attempts to wake him up

"Billy" a voice called out shaking my shoulders in the process. I couldn't do anything but scream and shout by the shaking of my shoulders and calling of my name caused me to jolt awake. Providing me with comfort of knowing that l was temporarily safe from the monsters in my head.

"Mom?" l asked, confused by the expression on her face. She simply buried her face in my neck, letting out a breath and collapsing on my bed

"Thank God you are okay. Another nightmare?"

"No, l just felt like re-enacting a scene from a horror movie" l replied sarcastically. I am not a morning person. Especially if l did not get enough rest the previous night

"ha ha. Honestly though, l think it's time you went for counselling. This is the tenth time this month" she says in her motherly voice. But she knows how l feel about therapy yet its the only thing she seems to be talking about lately

"No" l say getting out of bed and making my way to the bathroom. It is way too early to be dealing with the heaviness that came with the cause of my nightmares

Turning on the shower, l watch the steam as covers the whole bathroom, like a glove of mist. I can't help the smile that makes it's way onto my face. I take my time in the shower knowing that school won't start for a while.

My shower is short lived when the water suddenly becomes cold and l am left shivering like a leaf in the wind.

"Mom!" l scream at the top of my lungs knowing she is the cause of the cold water. She simply ignores me as l make my way back to my room dressing for the day.

Standing in front of my body length mirror, l can't help feeling sorry for the girl in front of me. Her skin looks dry and void of life and colour. The nappy nest that lay on top of her head filled with coils dressed in a floor length baggy black dress and black sneakers. A sigh makes its way out of my mouth as l leave the comfort of my room and into the pancake smelling, bacon sizzling kitchen

"I am going to book you a session with doctor Gremlin for Friday" my mother said breaking the silence that threatened to claw its way through the small strand of sanity l had left

"You will do no such thing" l said, l felt sorry for the way my voice came out cold and unforgiving as l stared at the woman in front of me

"I am your mother, and l will not sit by and watch you kill yourself. You are all l have left, don't you understand. My heart cannot handle losing you too" tears ran down her cheeks and into her mouth. Snout mixed in the equation but she didn't seem to mind

"Mom, l don't want to fight with you but l am dealing with it in my own way. Therapy is not something l want at the moment" l said softly hoping she will understand or see things from my point of view

"Just one session, if you still don't want it then l will back off" she tried reasoning

"one session" l said showing her my one finger

"thank you" l simply gave her a glare and made my way back to my room. The sight of my half eaten breakfast making me feel queasy

"It's today after school. I will come pick you up" l threw myself on my bed. Having no interest in going to school in the first place

"You need to get going before you are late" rolling my eyes at her command, l looked at the picture on the back of my bedroom door as a few tears fell down my eyes but l refused to cry.

"there's only a week left till summer break. I don't see the point" l threw back

"Don't make me repeat myself"

My bag was on the side of my bed, grabbing it, l made my way out the house and onto the busy streets of Tapia