I will never give up until my road ends

Nameless's first life.

"You?! repeat that again! please tell me you are joking, you really quit college? XXXX are you trying to make me go insane?!"

Nameless stood in front of his mom who threw a fit because he had just revealed that he had quit college with no desire to return.

"XXXX, you unfilial child! I swear I always you knew you'd amount to nothing. I'm telling your father and we're having a serious discussion later, what an unbelievable child, so much money wasted on nothing! on nothing!!"

His mother screamed and made all types of weird gestures to express her anger, she looked almost as if she had gone insane.

a 20 year old Nameless stood in front of her, he was expressionless.

He had been used to such fits whenever his marks didn't meet her expectation but this scene was the most extreme.

His eyes were dark, he showed no expression.

She continued raging even hitting her thighs while whimpering : "I cannot believe it! oh God save me from this unfilial son! turning from a straight A student to a bum, lying for 3 years straight! Ahh I'm gonna faint, give me water! give me water!"

His brother came from downstairs : "Did you go insane?! why did you lie for so long! You are worse than scum!"

"Shut the fuck up." Nameless spoke.

"Hmph!" his brother didn't dare to talk back only hurrying up to give his mother a cup of water."

"Ahh Ahh thank you my child, I feel like I'm fainting, its all the fault of this unfilial son! you have always been the hardworking one, I regret not treating you better than this bum! I I wouldn't even be suprised if they told he was a drug addict or sold drugs!"

As his mother was throwing a fit, his father arrived.

A car fiercely pulled up to the house, just the braking was enough to show the amount of anger the driver was in.

His father barged through the door.

Nameless didn't even fully turn to look back before he was punched in the face and sent flying to the ground.

"You pathetic excuse of a son, you fucked up again!! I told you last time if you fucked up this time I won't leave you unscathed! so much money went down the drain! for nothing! nothing!!"

"Leave this house right now! I don't want to see your repulsive face ever again in this house!"

Nameless was on the ground looking at his angry father, he didn't cry nor whine. He was still expressionless, only standing up and leaving.

His cheek seemed to be bleeding yet Nameless was only thinking about how it all started.

Let alone the abuse of his parents throughout the years, the depression that affected him in his last year of high school was harsh, he had gone through a similar scenario to this one back then although it was way less intense.

This anxiety, stress and depression that were minor before soon became debilitating leading him to failing all his courses before he finally dropped out of college and became a neet.

The fear and anxiety only intensified with time till it became full blown clinical depression.

Nameless kept lying to his parents and pretending that he was still going to college, he knew their reaction if he told the truth all too well, forcing him to postpone it again and again and again.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, months turned into 3 years.

Throughout these months, Nameless became more familiar with the world and himself.

Before he felt like he was merely being pushed by people and society towards the path they wrote for him.

He was never in charge, even his major was chosen by his parents and encouraged by his teachers, it felt as if the world chose who he was instead of letting him decide his own path.

What started as a depression became a nihilistic mind filled with a burning curiosity to what life was.

When one was busy and had responsibilities, they wouldn't have time to think nor stay still enough to notice the details, life was miraculous but it wouldn't appear so to a superficial person.

Nameless was enamored by these mysteries that lay hidden in the ordinary.

Sometimes what appeared as ordinary was in fact the most miraculous.

Existence exists, who could have thought?

A world that lives and thrives on its own, with all sorts of phenomena organised to perfection, a world adorned with all sorts of beings, his path soon turned from a mindless robot of society to being something more, to becoming human.

The thoughts that laid dormant as seeds in his mind flourished when he had stumbled on lsd, psychedelics are used and had been used in shamanic practices for a reason.

Psychedelics allowed an entry into one's psyche, into something deeper in the mind perhaps the subconscious.

Yet all these ideas and curiosity only revealed the ugly truth of a rotten world, the more the gap between his ideals and the world widened, the more he suffered and hated this world.

Nameless was left alone to bear the burdens of life and survive, it was tough endeavour that pushed him to his limits.

The world was merciless to everyone including him, he always kept facing obstacles, from a crushing loneliness, to financial struggles, to drug addiction, to sicknesses, to even flirting with death repeatedly.

In his darkest moments, no one came to the rescue, there was only the crushing darkness that seemed to engulf him.

Unlike the ones who had been saved, Nameless had to dwell with that darkness without help. 

Nameless wasn't always a strong person nor did his wisdom fall from the sky, it was all built on perpetual suffering, forged again and again like the hit of a hammer on hot steel.

When one dwelled enough in the abyss, eaten and digested before being spit back, they would inevitably change.

Gaze into the abyss long enough and the abyss gazes back.

Dwell in darkness long enough and darkness becomes a part of your being.

Nameless life moved on and flashed, all the crucial memories of his life.

A scene flashed from years later in one of his most difficult times, he was once again under the willow tree in his favourite spot near the lake admiring the trees but this time in his pocket were a few capsules.

They looked harmless just like pharmaceutical medecine yet they were different.

"Is this similar to what you call the russian roulette?"

Indeed, there were six capsules in his pocket and one of them contained a very potent opioid similar to along with a potent benzodiazepine.

Combining an opioid with a depressant was very dangerous and nearly a death sentence.

Other capsules weren't empty, they also contained other substances but at low doses, if he took the 5 capsules, he would just have a slightly rough yet good time and even if it got dangerous, it would never be a threat to his life.

But that one capsule just by itself was a death sentence.

The capsules looked identical, they all looked whitish and powdery, Nameless played with them in his hand like little toys before he swallowed two!

"Haha, this is more like it."

He layed on the grass, the beautiful swaying willows, the small breeze, the rippling lake, the sounds of the people were all beautiful yet it was only a matter of time before they all vanished.

If he survived, he would live and stop complaining but if he failed, he would die.

If he failed, all his life, all his dreams and experiences, all his desires and struggles would all disappear.

Even the world itself would vanish for him if this capsule was the one. 

When one suicides, they do not just kill themselves, they also kill the world with them.

The beautiful vast world, all the experiences and people one used to look at would not exist for them ever again.

Nameless knew that but he didn't seem to care.

As he knew he might be gone, he decided to write something to leave behind.

However he didn't want to leave a typical note nor did he care what people would think of him.

His desire was higher, he wanted to write those emotions on paper.

Even if they would just lay beside him or soaked by the rain or read only to be thrown, it didn't matter to him, he only wanted to express them.

He walked to a nearby picnic table in the park, he sat, took his personal notebook and prepared to write.

He lifted his head toward the sky, looking at the sun and the clouds as if to get an inspiration.

A bird flew to the ground, it was a magpie with blue feathers at the ends of its wings, it jumped on the grass filled with the autumn leafs looking for food, other magpies soon followed and joined it.

As they were doing little jumps, one got tired and flew to a tree branch, that magpie looked special to him especially with breathtaking tree with autumn leafs and the chilly weather.

Life looked alive and thriving inspiring a poem within him.

"The small breeze, the gentle wind, the towering heavens and the yielding earth. 

Ah an impasse!

Tell me oh heaven, when shall deliverance come for my salvation?

Ah yielding earth and ancient tree, tell me, when shall I be free from this imperfect world?

I look everywhere yet I find no refuge, I look everywhere yet all I find is crushing loneliness.

Ah will I have to wait for death now? shall I curse this world until my last breath?

Shall I give up here or shall I walk till my heart shatters?

Countless winds of life, everything washed away, only a void remains in my heart.

I turn on the world and walk my own path yet Alas! I still find no peace.

I endlessly search for Truth yet Alas! I still am as lost as ever.

Ah Life, I look at your fruits and I turn to my heart and all I find is a burning hatred for existence."

As he wrote the last line, he began having difficulty breathing, a sense of drowsiness invaded his consciousness as he became dizzy.

"Hahaha, This is more like it."

He felt a sense of danger within him yet he still couldn't know which capsule it was, other capsules had similar effects after all. 

"I'm not even at the 3rd capsule, imagine having such terrible luck hahaha."

The first play had a 33% fatality so Nameless didn't think it would happen thus joking about it.

He moved and entered the forest through a passage moving through the trees and branches as if to isolate himself.

He kept moving through the slopes, tree and branches yet this drowsiness never stopped and he began having difficulting walking and breathing.

Nameless had resolved to risk it all but he only took two capsules before he was already overwhelmed!

"Wait! don't tell my it was the one?"

"Fuck!"

He soon felt a sense of dissociation before a numb feeling invaded his consciousness.

Nameless walked a few steps before struggling and falling on the muddy ground on his back.

His heartbeat echoed as small raindrops began falling from the sky on his face.

His body felt sensitive before he felt a pain relieving sensation, he no longer felt the ground below him nor his clothes nor his body, he felt as if floating on a gentle cloud that was lifting him down to his death.

"am I gonna die?"

"hehe atleast my life was interesting, I guess."

As the raindrops dropped on his face, emotions emerged in his mind.

He used all his power to lift his hand above as if trying to catch or touch the sky.

"hehe, I have no regrets even if I die hahaha."

His hand fell and he blacked out.

Time passed before he woke up!

"I survived?!"

"hehehe, it seems it wasn't the one."

Nameless was drenched in water and mud making him heavily shiver but the aftereffects of the drug made him not feel any discomfort.

He raised his hand and spoke : "Since I survived, I will have to live fully this time. I don't care if I die as long as I'm true to myself."

...

Back to the present.

"What did you just say?!"

"If refusing makes you want to kill me then do so. "

"Are you crazy? you would rather die than attain eternal life? do you doubt my words? I can prove it to you!"

"I don't doubt your sincerity but I just don't want to."

"Why?!"

"Because if I did, my life would have been meaningless."

She gritted her teeth : "Didn't you suffer and curse your world?! why reject a way out now? why carve a meaningless path in this ruthless world while suffering to no avail only to lose everything in the end?! the Tree of eternal life is the only refuge you will ever find in this world!"

"I don't care what path you offer, I will never walk on the path of another, I will walk my own path even if I die on the way!"

"Hahaha, this is the funniest joke I have ever heard in my thousand year existence, hahaha this is hilarious, so stubborn, haha I wish for you to not regret those words when you are eaten by a beast."

Nameless didn't respond only turning to leave.

He didn't care if she attacked him, he was too weak to even defeat that previous beast, let alone this Tree which seemed so much more powerful.

if she wanted to kill him he wouldn't even be able to resist yet he still wasn't willing to bend to another's will. 

As if the world was responding to his thought, what he expected happened, a puple powerful release of energy came from the woman! it was heading towards his figure at high speed.

Nameless didn't turn back, he had already accepted his fate.

The purple energy neared him before it entered his body as purple dao runes spread throughout his body. Mystical lines surfaced on the skin of his body before they moved drawing all sorts of symbols.

Nameless was suprised, for even after the lines moved throughout his body, he didn't seem to weaken but the opposite! he felt he was getting stronger.

He turned towards the purple woman who simply shrugged her shoulders :

"I left my will with you, it should help you get what you need and help you leave this forest, don't ever come back here again!" she angrily spoke before she disappeared.

Nameless smiled before he turned to leave.

On the way of his escape, he stumbled on what looked like a rainbow apple tree.

He grabbed an inconspicuous rainbow apple tearing it from the tree before he sank into his thoughts.

'Hehehe I wonder if this is what Adam would have done if the Bible was real, rejecting God and eternal life in the Garden of eden, being forced to leave, suffer and die in an imperfect world all because he decided to bite the apple of selfishness and rebellion."

Nameless wildly smiled before he bit the apple, eating it whole.