20: mental pain

~~Rose~~

I couldn't believe I finally rid myself of a piece of my burden, forever this time. He was gone by my hand, by my choice. Never again would he touch me, never again to taint me and make me dirty.

I was free. Completely.

"Rosie?"

I found myself searching for her voice and stopped when she came in the door to my room.

My new room, free of taint. Free of pain and torment. Free of the memories that hurt me that much more.

"Angel," I said, greeting her just as I had ever other person who came in this week to check on me. Week continued to sleep in the corner chair even when I said he should go get sleep in his room right next door, but he insisted he needed to be near me.

She came in a plopped herself on my new bed. She smiled and shut her eyes and I watched her from beside the mirror that they had created a wall out of. Messages littered the glass of every person who would come in as I was sleeping to leave messages for me. I would erase them because I had seen them as lies that were created to make me seem less imperfect, but I couldn't ever erase the daily Maura and Week messages.

I refused to erase them, but they were always replaced by something new in the mornings. Today, it read, "You will forever be enough."

She hummed as she searched the mirror again. "Why do you keep erasing them all, Rosie?"

"Because they're lies. I'm not perfect, Angel. I'm broken." I raised my hand to keep erasing, careful to avoid the message of Maura and Week.

"If they're all lies, why leave only that one left?" she asked, her head tilting to the side.

"I'm leaving that one for last," I said, moving to erase it, only to pause.

"Why do you hesitate, Rosie?"

"I-" I pulled my shaky hand away from the mirror and looked at it. "I can't bring myself to erase their messages." I collapsed into myself and stared at the message, searing itself into my soul.

"Rosie, can I tell you a secret?" Angel asked. I heard her move towards me and let her pull me up and lead me to the bed. I hummed in response.

"You were never broken, Rosie. You're not broken, only scarred and beaten down, but you know the best thing about that part?" she asked.

"What?"

"It means no matter how many times they come at you or what they throw, you always get back up and keep fighting. It's something that makes you incredible and it proves that Zayn never could get yo completely, because you were ready to take him down in your own way," she paused and I peeked out at her through my hair. She only smiled at me.

"I'm not broken?" I asked, only to feel eyes watching us from the corner.

"No, Rosie, just healing."

The next day was the first day I left all the messages alone.

It was also the first time I left my room since I came back.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear stupid journal,

Angel gave me you as a way to express what I can't voice into words. Why, I may never understand. She says that documenting my abuse will make the scars hurt for a bit before they completely heal over and then I bury it down for all eternity.

I don't think you nor I wish to talk about what the hell Zayn did to me for the year I was MIA. I most definitely don't want to relive how he broke me.

So let's play a game. Let's see how long I don't write to you before Angel says something.

Stupidity Journal-

It didn't take all but five minutes, so I guess she's serious about this. [insert comedic sigh here] She's lucky I love her to death.

I guess I'll start at the beginning at the force-mate ceremony.

I think the piece of it that broke me the most was them taking those magic scissors and cutting each of my bonds one-by-one and the pain I felt as I felt Maura and Week slip away from me for the first time. I think those bonds were the only thing really keeping me sane. The only real connection I had left to my family. I think that was the moment I realized how much they both meant to me. And the first time the phrase "I love you" weren't just words to comfort someone, but they finally made sense.

Through everything, through pain, through fear, through darkness, Week was always there. They way he handled it was ridiculous, not gonna lie, but he never did more than that involuntary kiss. He never touched me unless I asked. He never cared how broken or how scarred I was. He was willing to take care of the spawn of his greatest enemy, and my own abuser who he found out, and raise her as if she was his own baby. Nothing of her bloodline mattered to him. All that mattered was that she was Maura, his baby who he loves with his whole being.

I think that fact made me fall even harder.

The phrase "I love you" gained a new meaning. It meant I trust you. It meant I'll come back for you. It meant I finally knew what I was feeling.

Once that piece of me was gone, he forced me to become his lovely bride. The next piece of me to leave was my sanity.

But, dear stupidity journal, that is a story for another time. Hopefully, in another place. My baby is calling me. It's the equivalent of her eleventh birthday today. Week is taking us out to go get food to celebrate.

With all the hatred in my body for you and this dreaded assignment,

Rose

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~Week~~

I can't tell you how long I was staring at the ceiling before Rose's voice called out to me.

"Week, why are you still awake?"

I looked at her, to notice the bright silver ring around her blue irises. She was only half awake.

"Because I'm not that tired, Rosie girl. Plus, I'd feel bad to leave you here alone."

"Can you at least lay down?" she asked, a yawn following her words.

"I don't think Xaphan is ready to leave your side yet, Rosie girl. Give him more time to accept you're back and safe."

She reached out her hand towards me and I gave her a small smile. I stood and walked to her and took her tiny hand in mine. She gave me a small tug and I sat on the very edge of her bed, careful not to wake her up fully.

"Lay down," she commanded, scooting over and pulling her hand away.

"Rose-"

"Please?" her voice broke my resolve and I laid back next to her. She sighed and pulled me further onto the bed, and I let her.

My exhaustion was finally starting to show.

She hummed in content and let me lay there next to her.

She moved towards me and kissed me on the chin before beginning to doze off again. Thank god she couldn't see the glow of my cheeks.

I went to rise, only for her to reach out and grab my wrist. "Stay."

That one word was enough to allow me to sleep next to her, with as much space between us as I could make.