CHAPTER 5

Depressed!

I saw people smiling and it enraged me. Why were they happy and I wasn't? Why was my life crumbling? What did I do to deserve this? The semester went faster and the days that gave me relief were barely 10. I scored a perfect GPA and that's because most of the exams we did were multiple choice. I guess my guardian angel worked extra shifts for me and I appreciate it. 

…

I had made a decision to change majors during summer break. I could see myself failing badly if I continued the aviation path. But my family wasn't supportive of my decision. They urged me to stay in that major and reminded me that I was smart so I can handle it. But I know myself more than they know me. I'm the one who knows what I'm capable of. I know what's best for me. So, I changed my major to Social Work. It's a major with sprinkles of mental health in it and I knew that while studying, it'd also heal me in one way or another since I was currently breaking. I also looked for a job with the help of a girl called Ruby. She was a graduate, a friend of my half-brother. She's from Liberia. Her family was rich, and she was comfortable. She was a great support system I had, even if it was for only a few months. 

Through her connection, I got a job, but needed to apply for a social security card first. Which I did. I had all the documents; the employer's letter, residence letter, everything. A bunch of students were applying for it too at the time and I was amongst them. We had all gone to the SSN office and it was a success. We were told that we'd receive our cards in one week. After 3 days, everyone I went to the office with received their cards, except me.

Mh, luck;

I called their office a number of times and finally they asked me to send my documents again since there's no way they could explain what had happened. I sent my documents again, but after a few days my documents came back without my SSN. What the heck was going on? Why was I always the odd one out? Was it luck? Had I no luck? It was something my brain couldn't comprehend. 

"I'm sorry. I had applied for my SSN, but they haven't sent it. I have sent my documents again and I'm waiting to hear from them. Is it okay if I start working while we wait?", I asked the recruiter.

"No, sweetie. We can't give you a position unless you have your social security number.", said the kind recruiter.

Which I totally understand. No SSN means no job, so eventually I lost the job I had to somebody else who had her SSN. Some people imagine, but I could actually feel my head filled with darkness. There was no spark of light. I slowly forgot how to feel things. I wore a fake expression whenever I went out. I didn't want people to sense me cracking.

"Your dad is doing everything so that we can pay the business office.", said my mom over our usual video calls.

And as usual, I smiled, "It's okay, mom. I'm fine. So don't worry too much. I'll survive.", I said. 

Life was better when I was rotting in my room, listening to sad music and crying like there's no tomorrow. 

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