THE VENOM OF LOVE

After dropping Iman at her house that night, I started feeling her presence with me, at every moment of the night and day. I had heard a large number of romantic and amorous tales but till then, I had never known that the stinging of love could be so venomous. Within a single moment, the venom of love had pierced into each and every limb, bone, tissue and muscle of my body and I felt as if I had been destined to suffer all the time. Love takes possession of a man like a painful torment which continues to bite and sting him if it happens to be a one sided affair. He lives and dies again and again, in the course of a single moment I was utterly unable to find some ways and means of conveying to Iman the strong and intense feelings of love which I had for her. It was impossible for her to come out of her home. I had already spent hours and hours standing outside her home, for several days, in the hope of seeing a glimpse of hers. Moreover, now, Abdullah had also become quite familiar to me and there was always the danger of meeting him while standing outside his home. Besides this, even if she ever came out of her home, I did not like to stop her on the way and talk to her. It might leave a negative impression on her about me. But then, how to gain access to her? It was the only question which pestered my mind all the time. It is an all-admitted fact that there can be no limit to the human desires and wishes. Whenever man achieves a goal, he begins to regard it as a milestone and he starts his journey for achieving some other goal. In this process, his whole life is spent. Perhaps, man is destined to remain in this state of constant and unending struggle. Till a short time ago, having a single glimpse of Iman was the sole objective of my life. Nature had fulfilled this desire of mine on a number of occasions. But now, my desires and prayers had gone far beyond having another glimpse of hers. Somehow or the other, I wished to convey to her my intense emotions and feelings. Sometimes I think that the main cause of our ungratefulness to God is the fulfillment of our desires and achievement of our goals. If we had not fulfilled any of our desires, we would never have run after new ones. How fine it would have been, if we had spent our whole life struggling to fulfil a single desire. It would have been much better for me if I had not been able to see Iman after the party. In that case, I would not have been obsessed with this madness, and throughout my life, I would have wandered restlessly to see another glimpse of hers. My days and nights were being spent in the same anguish and agony. One evening, I was sitting on the roof, watching the setting sun of the passing summer. The summer sun takes a lot of time to set. It appears as if it is fighting a war with the night and is not willing to give its friend the evening twilight, to the dark shadows of the night. While as usual, I was sitting on the roof that evening, Shakir came there. "O Mr. Hammad, you are here? I've been searching for you everywhere. Here is a letter for you from my daughter Nighat." After giving me the letter, Shakir stood up to go. But then remembered something and stopped for a moment. "She was saying, request brother Hammad to fulfil his promise as soon as possible." While giving his daughter's message, Shakir laughed and then went away. When I opened the letter, I found only a few lines written on the paper. "My dear brother, you seem to have forgotten your promise. You haven't yet talked to my father about my studies. Exams are close at hand and if I don't submit my forms in time, I'll lose a precious year of my academic career. Waiting for your recommendation." I then remembered that on the eve of her engagement, I had promised to talk to her father about the continuation of her studies. But how could she know that I was no longer in a position to remember the promises that I had made to others? I was passing through a condition in which at times, I did not remain conscious of even myself. However, I immediately decided to talk to Shakir about this problem. I knew very well that Shakir would never disappoint me. Even if it required us to go to Nighat's fiance, I was mentally prepared for it.

With Nighat's written message in my hand, I was sitting in an absent minded manner, watching the setting sun. Then, all of a sudden, a brilliant idea flashed across my mind, like a blaze of lightning. What about Nighat? Yes Nighat! She could become an intermediary source between me and Iman, after all, she was a close intimate friend of Iman and Haya. I wondered why I didn't think of Nighat during all those days while I was banging my head against the walls in frustration and despair. Now, this brainwave give a new dimension to my restlessness and I most eagerly desired to rush to Shakir's house at that very moment. Somehow or the other, I passed the night and went to the old Haveli early next morning. During the previous evening, I had talked to Shakir about the continuation of her daughter's studies and he had assured me to talk to her fiance about the matter. When I told Shakir that I was going to the old Haveli, there was nothing unusual about it, because, I had often invited my friends to the parties which were arranged at that place. Whenever Kamran came from London, we used to spend most of our time at the same old Haveli;. How lively I was in those days. The whole building used to echo with our noisy activities, loud music and laughters. On such occasions, Nighat and Auntie used to prepare delicious dishes at our request. During the rainy season, we used to go to the garden at the back of the Haveli and loved to spend our time eating hot and crispy Samosas, Pakoras and Pooris. Crates of cold drinks were placed in the garden for our refreshment. To add to our joy, huge baskets full of mangoes were loaded on the carts and brought to the Haveli. Until a few weeks ago, I was full of liveliness, vivacity and vibrant energy. But then, it seemed as if love suddenly squeezed out my soul from the body. Whenever the watchman or some other servant told Nighat and Auntie about my coming to the Haveli, they would at once ask him about the number of guests coming with me. After gathering this information, they would immediately prepare the tea or breakfast with all the essential items and send it to me. If I went there alone, Nighat herself used to come to talk to me. She was very fond of getting and reading new books. In the presence of Shakir, she could not make any such request, because, he used to scold her on such occasions. The same thing happened that day. When Nighat came to know about my coming to the Haveli, she at once came there carrying tea and a plate full of salty biscuits. Signs of immense joy were vividly visible on her face. She told me that during the previous night, Shakir had allowed her to continue her studies. She knew very well that it was the outcome of my efforts and she sincerely thanked me for it. I did not know how to start the discussion for which I had specially come to her that morning. She also noticed the mental conflict through which I was passing at that time. "Brother Hammad, what's the matter? You seem to be somewhat lost." "Niggy, do you remember the girl who collided with me in the room on the eve of your engagement ceremony?" "Which girl? Yes, mother had told me about the incident," replied Nighat with a smile on her face, while pouring tea into the cup. "She was Iman, the daughter of Maulvi Alimuddin, who lives in an old quarter of the city, where once we too lived. She is a very nice girl." Then she looked attentively towards me, as if some idea had come to her mind. "Brother, what's the matter? Why are you asking about her?" She had a mischievous look which made me nervous. How difficult it is to hide some of the truths of our heart. There was a time, when all of us used to tease her while discussing the topic of her engagement and marriage. Sometimes, we used to tease her so much with this topic that she began to weep. But today, the situation was totally different. Her mischievous smile had robbed me of my confidence, because, there was a secret in my heart which I had not yet revealed to her. "No there's nothing particular about her," I said rather timidly. "In fact I, I." Nighat understood my secret and said, "So that's the matter. Brother, don't try to make some mischief with her. She is a very innocent friend of mine and belongs to an extremely religious family."

Nighat knew about many of my girl friends and was well aware of my flirting and non-serious behaviour with them. While I was enquiring about Iman, she thought that Perhaps I wanted to show the same routine behaviour to Iman. I held Nighat's hand and asked her to sit beside me. "Sit down Nighat and listen to me carefully." Then, I told her the whole story from A to Z. She listened to the whole story with astonishment. "Nighat, now tell me what to do. "I'm in a very precarious situation." "It's a very complicated affair. Miss Iman has deprived my dear brother of his sleep and calm. But the problem is that she's not that sort of a girl which you think her to be. Not to speak of talking to unknown men, she has always avoided even the shadow of such men. She has received all her education in veil and the honour of her family is dearer to her than her own life. Every family living in her neighbourhood wishes to make her their daughter-in-law. You're not the first boy to become the victim of her charm. During the past few years, several boys have been wandering through her street, in the hope of seeing a glimpse of hers, but she never looked towards them. My sincere advice to you is, stop thinking about her. It's a pretty complex affair," she remarked with a loud laugh and added, "You won't lose anything in this game, but I'll lose my dearest friend forever." I was angry at Nighat's words and stood up to leave. "All right Nighat. Don't do anything. I'll do something myself." As I stepped forward, Nighat caught my hand with a mischievous smile on her face. "O my dear brother, don't be annoyed with me. You seem to be really serious about Iman. If it is the case, I'll have to do something." "Then consider the matter seriously and think of some plan. Won't you do this little favour to your brother?" Nighat and I sat down together and began considering the various options available to us for conveying the feelings of my heart to Iman. The discussion continued for a long time. The suggestions which I put forward were rejected by her, while her proposals were dismissed by me and we failed to reach some definite conclusion. One of my suggestions was to send a short letter to Iman through Nighat but Nighat outrightly rejected the idea and told me that instead of reading any such letter, Iman would simply tear it and throw it away. Moreover, in such a situation, Iman might permanently break off her relations with her. At last, I was utterly exhausted with this prolonged discussion and sat down, holding my head in my hands. Nighat could not see this wretched condition of her dear brother and determined to make Haya her confidant in the matter. It was decided that Nighat would invite Haya and Iman to her house on some pretext. She knew that Maulvi Alimuddin was a very strict man and staunchly adhered to his principles, but she was confident that somehow or the other, she would be able to persuade him to allow her daughters to come to her house just once. Nighat promised that I would be informed of Iman's visit to her house beforehand; and during her visit, she (Nighat) would arrange my short meeting with Iman in loneliness. I knew how difficult it would be for Nighat. But for the sake of my love, she decided to put her childhood friendship at stake. It was decided that the plan would be executed on the coming Thursday. But before my return from the Haveli, Nighat again and again asked me to assure her that I was not flirting with Iman as I had been doing with so many other girl friends of mine. At last, I had to pull her ears in order to assure her of my sincerity and earnestness. But Nighat was not to blame so much for her attitude. After all, Iman who was indeed like a rare and unique gem had been her close intimate friend since her childhood. At that time, I had the feelings of envy for Nighat, who could so easily meet my charming and flower-like sweetheart and hold her hand in hers. I wished to sit there for hours and hours and hear from Nighat about Iman. When someone is really in love, what a blissful experience it is for him to talk and hear about his beloved. Such talking seems more satisfying than food and drinks. Centuries fly away like moments and the whole atmosphere begins to look fascinating without any particular reason. Confused jumbled and noisy sounds are transformed into a harmonious orchestra and cool and pleasant breeze begins to blow in the midst of scorching and suffocating heat of the sun. Days and nights are spent in a dreamy condition and without any reason, a gentle smile appears on the lips. Even enemies begin to look like friends. Till the coming Thursday, I too remained in the grip of all such feelings and conditions. It is said that one sided love affairs are full of fears and apprehensions. Same was the case with me. I was surrounded by strange fears and questions. I wondered whether she would be able to come or not. The Maulvi might forbid her to come at the last moment. Would she like to meet me or not? How would she interpret this attempt of mine? At last came that long awaited and much anticipated Thursday. Nighat had already told me what to do. Silence prevailed everywhere in that summer afternoon. According to her, the time between 3 and 4 p.m. was most appropriate for the meeting. I was supposed to reach the old Haveli by two o clock. Along the main veranda of the Haveli, large reed screens were spread to keep away the heat of the sun. At the same place, there was a large room. We used to call it the cold room. In fact, there was a time when it used to be my grandfather's study. While constructing this room, it was made sure that it should be in the direction of the blowing wind in summer. It, therefore, used to remain cold even at the time of severe heat in the hot summer afternoons. Large shelves of this room were filled with rare books. I still remember that we used to pass the long summer afternoons, lying in this room and reading the stories of Tarzan and Umru Ayyar. Nighat had also revealed the fact that Iman had a craze for reading good books and she often used to borrow books from her. Nighat had told her about the rare books kept in my grandfather's study and according to her, Iman had a great desire to have a look at these books. But this study mostly remained closed. Nighat had invited her to the Haveli on the pretext of showing her the study and I too had come that day with the keys of that room in my pocket. At the same time, she had taken Haya into confidence and told her that in reality it was a pretext for enabling me to have a meeting with Iman. According to the plan, I was supposed to remain inside the study and wait for Haya and Iman. It was decided that Nighat would bring them into the study after which I would get a few moments for expressing my feelings to Iman. Everything else depended on my fate and my performance. It was up to her to listen to me, reject me or return angrily. Sitting in the study in a confused state of mind, I was looking at the old wooden clock on the wall. It was only 2-30 and I had arrived here only half an hour ago. But I had a feeling that I had been sitting there for centuries. The sparrows had built their nest in the large ventilator of the study and at that time, the mother sparrow was resting in the nest with its young ones. The sun was now slowly going down and forming new angles on the wall opposite to the ventilator. At times, waiting proves to be a breath taking experience and so did it seem to me at that moment. In a state of mental agitation and anxiety, I began surveying the books kept in the shelves all around me but could not read anything. Even the slightest sound made me jump from my seat but each sound was followed by a prolonged silence. It was a long characteristic silence of summer afternoons, occasionally interrupted by the cawing of a crow in the distance. Sometimes, I could also hear the sound of a passing tonga or a motor car on the long black desolate road outside the Haveli. Time was slowly ticking away and soon the clock struck. Three. My fears and apprehensions were once again revived and began to multiply. No, she won't come. Haya must have told her all about Nighat's plan. She must have been greatly annoyed with Nighat. We must not have made such a plan. What would she be thinking about me? The whole mistake was mine. By 3-15, I had completely lost my patience and in this distressed condition, decided to go out of the room. But as soon as I stepped towards the door, I heard some footsteps accompanied by the melodious feminine laughing and talking at some distance in the veranda. Someone was surely coming towards this side and I again became breathless. Of course, it was the sound of Iman's footsteps. O God, give me some courage. As the door opened, Nighat entered the room, followed by Iman and Haya. They were all smiling. On seeing me, Nighat showed an artificial surprise. "O brother Hammad! How is it that you are here at this time?" Exactly as I had expected, there were signs of nervousness and panic on Iman's face In this bewilderment, she looked towards me and then immediately turned back to go but Haya was standing in her way and Nighat also firmly gripped her hand making it impossible for her to go anywhere. "Perhaps, your friend hasn't liked my presence here. I think I shouldn't be here." The extremely nervous and confused Iman once again lifted her head and looked towards me. Nighat glared at her and said, "No no brother. We've only come here to see some old books. In fact, Iman has a craze for reading good books." The outraged Iman looked angrily towards Nighat but Nighat still firmly held her hand. "Sure, why not? Have a look at these old books while I go. I'll be back soon." Having said this, I went out of the study because I no longer found in myself the courage to look towards her. On that day, she was in black dress and was looking all the more fascinating in her black head covering. Time and again, I was visualizing her trembling eye lashes, quivering lips and a scattered strand of hair. Standing outside in the veranda for a while, I attempted to regain control over my nerves. The whole show had been turned upside down. I should have behaved in a completely different manner. On some pretext, I should have sent Nighat and Haya outside the study for a few minutes, during which, I should have talked to Iman. But on seeing her, I had forgotten everything and had rushed out of the room. I was extremely angry with myself and thought that I might never get a chance to meet her again. Perhaps, I had lost the battle forever. In the meantime, I heard some sound near the study door. I was startled and as I looked towards that side, I saw Nighat stealthily coming out of the room. In angry gestures she asked me why I had behaved like that. In reply I could only shrug. Nighat then signaled to Haya who also came out. I was still standing there silent and dumbfounded. Nighat came forward, held me by the wrist and dragged me to the study door. As she pushed me inside the room, she whispered into my ears, "Only three minutes." I was still worried and upset as I entered the study with Nighat's push. Standing near the last shelf, Iman was reading a book. As she heard the noise, she turned around and looked rather inattentively. Perhaps, she could not even imagine that both Nighat and Haya would leave her alone in the room and instead of them, she would find me standing at the door. In this confusion, the book fell down from her hands. She properly adjusted her head covering and rushed towards the door to get out of the room but how could she do that? The study had only one door where I stood, blocking her path. Realizing the situation, she had to stop as quickly as she had advanced towards the door. In this utter helplessness, her face was becoming red and with her head bent, she was standing silently in the middle of the room. Perhaps, at that time, she was furious at Nighat and Haya and had fully understood their plot. For a few moments, both of us remained silent and the silence between us continued to speak. In this silence, I could even hear her breathing. Then she mustered up her courage and her sweet melodious voice was heard in the room. Like her whole body, her voice was also trembling. "I want to go out. Please don't stand in my way." It was for the first time that I had heard her uttering so many words together. For a while, I stood silently and then, all of a sudden, I felt as if I had regained my consciousness and I began to speak. "I'm sorry for blocking your path in such a way. This action of mine may degrade me in your eyes forever. But believe you me I have taken this step only after being compelled by the circumstances. Please don't have any wrong notions about me." "What do you want from me? Please let me go. For God's sake!" Her voice was now choking with emotions and the tears gathering around her eye lashes could start falling at any moment. "The only thing that I wish to tell you is that eversince I've seen you, I've become a stranger even for myself. I don't find appropriate words for expressing my feelings and describing my state of mind at this moment. All the words given in all the dictionaries of the world appear too common for me to give bent to my emotions. Perhaps, I've adopted a very common and cheap type of method for talking to you. But what else could I do? I didn't have any other option at my disposal. In a state of extreme helplessness, I've been forced to resort to this vulgar technique for conveying my feelings to you. If possible, please forgive me." She was still standing quietly, with her head bent and her eyes fixed on the carpet. "I think you have said what you wanted to say. Now, please let me go. I implore you." I shall be waiting for your response." I no longer stood in her way and like a gust of wind, she dashed out of the room with all her delicacy. Only her sweet fragrance was left behind in the room. I saw her through the window that opened towards the outside veranda. She walked past Nighat and Haya without stopping and talking to them. They were running after her and calling her but she was quite indifferent to them. Haya saw me through the window with her mischievous eyes. With a smile she saluted me and then ran after Iman. At that moment, I like her very much. After all, she had trusted an unknown man and sent her dearest sister to meet him. I don't know how Nighat had been able to convince her to facilitate her in this adventure. Anyhow, at this moment, both Nighat and Haya were in an extremely difficult situation. Iman must be greatly annoyed with both of them and I didn't know how Nighat and Haya would persuade her to change her mood. In a spellbound condition, I sat in the same room for a long time. I didn't have the least desire to go out of the room. I wished to visualize again and again the same delightful scene when that charming and delicate sweetheart of mine was present in the same room, silently standing before me, with her head down, talking to me and quivering like a leaf. The sun had now gone down and there was no more heat in the light passing through the ventilator. As I looked at my watch, it was 5-30 and with an unwilling heart, I stood up to go. Suddenly, I saw the book that had dropped from Iman's hand and fallen down on the ground. I picked it up. It was Bano Qudsia's novel "Raja Gidh." Near the book, there were two pearls, which I had already seen in Iman's sandals. I remembered that while talking to me, her eyes were constantly fixed on the ground and following her gaze, I had looked towards her feet several times. It was quite obvious that when the book dropped from her hands, it must have fallen for a moment on her feet and at that time, these pearls must have been dislodged from her shoes. I picked up both the pearls and put them into my pocket. Waiting for Nighat was quite in vain and with heavy steps, I came out. Throughout the night, the scenes of the day remained before my eyes like a movie. My condition was that of a dull student, who does not properly attempt even a single question in the examination and even then, anxiously waits for the result. Sometimes, we reach that stage in which, we are eager to know the result and are least concerned about the nature of the result. We do not bother to think whether the matter will be decided against us or in our favour. We are only keen to hear the decision whatever it may be. Generally, it happens with those who have weak nerves and are quite incapable of withstanding the pain and agony of waiting. Exhausted and frustrated under extreme mental pressure, they cry out that whatever is to happen, must happen at once. At such moments, they are quite unaware of the fact that although they are horrified at the idea that the result or decision may be against them and yet, they are earnestly praying for its immediate announcement. They do not bother to think about their wretched and miserable condition at the time when the result or decision would be actually announced against them. I was also passing through a similar situation that night while I was restlessly awaiting Iman's response. I only wanted to hear it immediately and without any delay, no matter what it would be. Another lurking desire of my heart might also have contributed to this hastiness of mine at that time. My heart was desperate for another contact or encounter with my beloved at any cost. I only wished to hear my name from her lips even if she mentioned my name in an offensive or abusive manner. When a person is in love, his heart begins to behave like a little child, who is only concerned with the passing moment, the passing hour and the passing day, quite indifferent to the fears and apprehensions about future life. He is only interested in the present moment and is least concerned about the consequences of his present actions. As soon as I woke up the next morning, I wished to go to Nighat at that very moment and ask her the details of everything that had happened during the previous day. But it did not seem so appropriate to go to the old Haveli so frequently. It is true that I had always enjoyed a sisterly relationship with Nighat, but what about the other servants who worked in the Haveli and saw me meeting Nighat in loneliness. They might take a negative impression of my frequent visits and meetings with Nighat. Then, I myself shrugged off all such futile, absurd and baseless ideas, apprehensions and suspicions. Perhaps, love teaches a man to be suspicious of himself. It was 11-30 and I was still in my room, when Shakir came there and gave me a closed envelope from Nighat. Then, as usual, he said, "Yesterday, you went to the Haveli. Was there any special reason for your visit?" Shakir had asked a common question in a routine manner, but for some unknown reason, it made me nervous. "Yes. No. Yes. I mean, there was nothing special. I had told Nighat to find some books from the shelves of the study and I went there to collect those books." With suspicious eyes, Shakir looked towards me and said, "You see, I'll be very much annoyed with you, if you give some more books to Nighat. She must have sent a list of new books in this envelope." I laughed at Shakir's words. Perhaps, he was thinking something else. I assured him not to give any new book to Nighat during that month. Immediately after Shakir's departure from the room, I tore up the envelope and brought out Nighat's letter and began reading it with eager and restless eyes. "My dear brother, You gave us a very tough time yesterday. She was annoyed with me and angrily went away from my house. She was not even talking to her younger sister. I had told you that she wouldn't like such things. But what is done cannot be undone. Today, I'll go to her house; and Haya and I will try to persuade her to change her mood. But God alone knows how she would decide your case. My advice to you is that you should talk to the members of your family and send some of them to her house. In this way, she would be convinced about the truth of what you said to her yesterday. Otherwise, she is not one of those girls who like to have such relationship without the proper involvement of relatives. Be happy." In this short letter, Nighat had written exactly what I had expected. Even then, it significantly increased my sadness and restlessness. The same thing happened; anxious anticipation of the result, followed by the restlessness on hearing it. All the peace and calm of my life had been shattered. But in the midst of all the grim and hopeless circumstances, man never loses the sight of hope. On finding one door shut, he goes to another door and knocks at it and the same process continues to the last moment of his life. If the element of hope had not been gifted to man by Nature, he would have perished with his first failure and passed away with the first disappointment. I was also filled with a new hope. If Nighat and Haya manage to persuade her to change her mind, she may take some pity on my condition and may say something about me. My heart beats were now awaiting some other message from her, but I had to pass through this agonizing condition of waiting for another few days.