Dear Diary

* Eleven months after "that night" *

Dear Diary,

Ya know what? Dear Diary sounds really stupid I'll call you... Hope. Yeah, I like that. Let's start again...

Dear Hope,

I'm sorry it's been ages since I've written in here... It's been a year, to be exact. Twelve months of hell, then learning to recover. But, I did it.

I did it though. I told Izuka it was over and I left him. Not before he beat the shit out of me and he ... did other stuff too ... worse than most the other times, it wasn't this bad the other times when he forced me but this time I was unconscious before he was finished. So when I woke up I ran away.

He told me he'd been screwing other people again. Girls and guys, it didn't matter as long as he was satisfied with it. I know running away is normally something cowards do but I had to do it or I think he was gonna kill me, like LITERALLY he was gonna kill me, the last time I ran away and he found me, he whipped the living shit out of me with his belt - but this time he ... he ... raped me. DAMN.

That's a hard word to write and worse knowing that he did that to me, someone he claimed he loved, he never said he was in love with me and I told him both all the time. That I loved him and that I was in love with him. Fuck me. What an idiot I am. He never loved me, he wanted me because he could show me off, "The Kim Mitzuki", modelling diamond in the rough! Model of the Year for three years running...

Until him. Until the bruises I couldn't hide. The scars I couldn't hide, the cuts. Sometimes I really believe I deserved everything, other times I know that he is the sick one not me but it doesn't make any of this any easier to handle. I'm seeing someone about it.

It's not easy for me to talk about any of this.

After Izuka did what he did all I could do was leave for good. I needed to get as far away from him and away from anyone who knows him. I want to be where no-one knows me and where my stupid ex and his stupid friends can't and won't find me.

Finally Izuka's alcohol fuelled actions gave me the courage to leave - I found the last piece of me to finally leave him. It wasn't like I didn't think about it, I know I did.. Not that I wrote anything down because if he'd seen it I would have been dead. Like, dead and nobody would every find my body kind of dead. And it's not like I didn't try to end things with him either - but he always found a way to sweet-talk me into coming back to him. Not this time. Not again.

After I ran away I changed my appearance now so he won't find me if he comes looking for me. I hope. Lan Wuxian helped me dye my hair, it's kind of a light caramel colour now and it's so not my favourite but if it helps me blend in and be forgettable like I want to be, then I'm going to stick with it for longer. I don't wear a lot of bright colours any more either, mostly dark colours and outfits that blend in - clothes that make me invisible in a way to most people.

I want to be forgettable.

I mean, I know it's been a while but I don't know if I'd be strong enough to stand up to Izuka if he finds me. The thought of him terrifies me and I'm still having nightmares about that last night especially. There were other nights where he'd hit me or yell at me and I know technically it's abuse but I always told myself that it was my fault...

Sometimes I feel like my nightmares are so real and I'm going to drown in my anxiety or that I'll have a panic attack while I'm at work it stresses me out so bad. Don't get me wrong, like, I've met some really nice people in the last few months but I'm afraid if I open up or get too friendly I'll be hurt again or Izuka will find me and hurt any friends I've made - the way he hurt Taehyung and BamBam. Or what if the people who pretend to be my friends turn against me and treat me the way he did?

I haven't had a panic attack for THREE whole weeks! Jinhong Eijirou and Lan Yibo helped calm me down and Sizhui too, one of the Lans' sons, last time I was caught up in one. I swear I saw one of Izuka's friends, not that I know what she'd be doing almost a thousand miles away from the shithole I was stuck with my asshole ex-boyfriend. In the beginning she tried once or twice to stop Izuka from yelling at me, then she stopped coming around. I never saw her again after that.

That shit worries me. I know I'm twenty now and I've been away from him for a year but I'm still scared that anyone I become friends with will be just like Izuka. Kind at first and then they change or reveal their monster self the same way he turned against me and turned my friends against me. I still don't know what he told them but they never spoke to me again and Taehyung moved away without telling me why. He's like an ayakashi - silently haunting the shadows, whispering threats and telling untruths that are poison to the ears.

That really hurt since we were supposed to be best friends! I just wish I knew what I did wrong so I could have fixed the problem and we could be friends again... Knowing Izuka was involved probably means that nothing would change and Tae would hate me no matter what. Shit.

I've got to study for this Lit exam coming up, hopefully I'll pass. Lan Yibo says I can do anything I put my mind to. We've got an assessment due on some story called Arcadian Whisper by Fay've O. Clock. It's so romantic. This guy goes away to another country to take a break from his life and in the process of clearing his mind he finds himself and he finds love in the sweetest way, but there's this thing... and my heart!! Oh my gods my heart!

It made me cry and wish that I had a love story like that waiting for me somewhere. I'll never think of peppermint the same way again! It makes me wonder if the author felt the aching of their character's hearts the way I did. Hopefully by being here I can find myself - and maybe someone I can trust.

I want someone to love me the way Yoongi loved Jimin in my Literature book.

Study hard. Be strong.

K.M.Z