Chapter 9

It's four o'clock and I'm supposed to be ready in an hour and a half. I mean, I'm supposed to be out of the house by a quarter to six but I want to be ready by half past five. I want everything to be done well, perfect, so that Savannah knows what she's missing out on. No wait, I said I was not going to think like that. But this evening is the only time I'm allowing myself to be the old me for a little while. My mother, thank God, is great with makeup, she offered help. so I call her to start. I'm in a push-up bra, even though I don't need one. My boobs are perfectly fine but I want a bit more cleavage to show. While she's making me a masterpiece, I think about what happened during the last months. I find myself thinking about it a lot. I haven't slept from a long time, since I found out about Mitch. It takes me a lot of makeup to cover the bags under my eyes in the morning. The more I go without sleep the more I keep forgetting parts of the day and behave weird, as if I were super drunk. Sometimes I'm reading quietly and the next thing I know I'm screaming at my mother like a crazy person thinking "What the hell am I doing?" It's from one moment to the next, I completely forget what comes in the middle and I can't even remember when they tell me what I did. I want to ask my mother if we can see a doctor but I don't have the courage yet, soon I'm going to though. I don't even understand why this happens, this stuff hasn't even been that traumatic. Maybe it's my father's thing and this situation put together. I feel powerless, weak. There are moments where I completely zone out, where I feel like there's a weight on my chest and a wave is falling over me, drowning me in bad feelings until I'm numb. I don't even know what these feelings are to be honest, they're not like plain sad, it's like the worst kind of sadness, the one that comes when someone left you or betrayed you, a fear you can't control, a deep dread and a million other things I have never felt before. In those moments I just don't care about anything anymore. I pretend nothing's wrong, even when I'm alone. Maybe it'll go away if I do. When she finishes it's a quarter to five. She took a long time but she was continuously fixing stuff. She does my hair, making a kind of elegant bun behind my head, putting it together with a net full of fake pearls, leaving two strands of hair dangling on the side, she then curls them. This takes and awful lot of time and by the time I'm done, I have five minutes to be out my door. I put my dress in a rush as my mom asks me who's taking me.

"Mitch asked when we used to talk, but I said no. Then we stopped talking. I'm going with the girl that looks like Savannah."

"Oh, ok. I'm sure you'll have a good time then." And she winks.

"Mom, no." Even though I hope she's right.

"Well, I'm sure you would have had fun with Mitch too, ah these boys don't know how to handle heartache." yeah, right.

I get a text.

Savannah:

[6:43]: almost there

[6:43]: this better be good, i canceled a sure thing

Rose:

[6:44]: Ok. Almost out.

I put on my white ballerinas and exit the house after a few pictures my grandparents take. I'm now two minutes late. I walk out and see Savannah, dressed with a black shirt, a black tie and black trousers, waiting for me. She's holding a black jacket on her shoulder and is texting. My heart skips a beat. No, Rose, stop doing that thing with your heart. She looks up at me, jaw dropped, staring at my boobs. When I get to her I say "Hey, eyes up here." And point at them. If I want something tonight, I'm gonna get it. The old Rose is back. But just tonight, just to make an effect.

Savannah looks up and down my body. When she reaches my face she looks at my lips, raises an eyebrow and looks at me in the eye, grinning. Well, it was more of a jaw-dropped side smile.

"Shall we go or what?" I say.

"Mmh, someone got confident." She answers.

"Why, I've always been."

"Well, if you were, maybe you wouldn't have this reputation."

"What reputation?"

"Uhm, the shy lesbian nerd that has a crush in the most popular girl in school but will never get her." Ok, that hurt a bit.

I smile and say "Well, too bad for them. The only thing they got right is that I like girls. And I mean in general, none in particular at the moment."

"What if after tonight I'll make you change your mind?" Her smiles widens, giving me a perverted look. Is she seriously flirting? No, you're better than this.

"What makes you think that?"

"I've changed minds before and I think you know quite well how it went."

"I'm not like the other girls, I don't look at how people behave on social media. And since I have seen how you really behave, I think it's safe to say you're not getting near me in that way. I don't go for jerks."

"Woah, you calling me a jerk?"

"I'm just being realistic, hon."

"God, you really have an attitude."

"I have self-respect."

"Yeah, whatever."

What the fuck's wrong with her, she keeps smiling and staring. I mean, it's not like I don't like the attention, but it makes me want to play her stupid game and the old me is starting to get into my head too. What the hell, just for tonight.