i. izzie [ a.k. ]

⬇ trigger warning ⬇

mild language, divorce

·

·

·

❛ but izzie had my kids ❜

alex karev

·

·

·

·

·

You had no idea that one patient's condition would put you on the map.

It started as a simple valve replacement, which then devolved into multi-organ failure, which then transformed into a multi-organ transplant. It was a difficult and tedious operation, filled with stress, tears, and blood -- but the outcome was worth it in the end.

The patient, Tyreese, survived something that could have easily claimed his life in one breath, and because of that, it was seen as a medical miracle.

Dr. Alex Karev, the head of Peds, walked up to you afterward, giving you a hug and a kiss on the forehead. You had been dating him (on and off) since your surgical internship and had finally tied the knot not that long before Tyreese's case.

"God, I love you," he said.

·

·

As Alex picked you up with a smile and grabbed onto your hips, you let out a loud laugh. It was your anniversary, and you just found out that the kid you were trying to adopt wanted to have you both as parents, as well.

Your dreams were coming true, and you two couldn't be happier.

·

·

"What do you mean he's going with a different family?"

You were on the phone with the adoption agency, who just told you that someone else had adopted the child you and Alex were fostering. They never told you that the paperwork hadn't gone through yet and someone -- somehow -- beat you two to the punch.

"You're telling me that people can just steal children from parents who are already adopting them?"

·

·

You were laying in bed, staring up at the ceiling, when Alex rolled over from beside you and pulled you closer. His neck was buried in your shoulder when he started trailing kisses down the skin. You laughed when he laid on top of you and pulled you in for a kiss.

·

·

"Hey, Mer. Have you heard anything from Alex? He hasn't been answering my calls," you said. Meredith Grey was yours and Alex's best friend, so when you didn't hear from your husband, you asked Meredith if he had talked to her.

Alex was always bad with communication, especially when he was with his family.

·

·

The letter started with your name.

"I'm sorry. I know you deserve so much more than a letter. And this cowardice? It's definitely the worst thing I've ever done. But it's about me. It's not about you. You don't deserve this. You deserve so much better than this, and you earned so much more.

I love you.

I love your brilliance, your strength, and your bravery. You never let what you've gone through hold you back, even after everything that's happened these past fifteen years. You're so much stronger than I am. So much kinder. But you make me kinder. You loved me for exactly who I was and I loved you.

I love you.

It might not be fair to say that, but God, it's true. But what's also true is that I'm in love with Izzie.

When we were residents, I imagined this whole life for her where she was happy with a bunch of kids, baking all the time. And I never imagined myself being in that picture. But suddenly, I was. That's a lie there. There was a part of me that always wanted to know, always felt like so much was left unfinished between us. So, when Mer needed all those letters, Izzie was the first one I called.

We started talking, and it scared the absolute crap out of me because it felt like no time had passed; like Izzie and I were frozen in time for all these years, and now we're not. She's not. She's in Kansas, on a farm in the middle of nowhere, in this incredible place. And never in a million years would I think I belong here, but I do.

And I can't lie to you and pretend that the truth isn't there -- that I love you and I love Izzie -- but if it were just me missing her or whatever, I would've come back to you in a heartbeat. But she had my kids. Eli and Alexis. And I know you understand why I can't just leave now; why I can't miss another minute of their lives. You of all people should know why.

I have a chance to bring this family together, and I hope you love me enough to let me take that chance. I want, I need, to give these kids the family I never had, with the barbeques on the back porch and the soccer games. God, even the damn book reports.

I had no idea that she would have my kids, but now that she does, I wouldn't know how to look anyone in the eye if I didn't try to do everything I could to make this work -- make this family work.

You were wrong. You're not the "Let's get a lizard!" person. And, I swear, I was never holding those pieces of paper hoping anything would change. When I asked you to marry me, I meant it with everything in me. When I told you I love you, I meant it. But Izzie had my kids.

I came here to start to know them. I missed five years of their lives. And not because I was off my meds like my mom or a junkie like my dad, but because I didn't exist to them until I walked through that door. And once I did, I had this amazing family I never knew I had on this farm in the middle of Nowhere, Kansas.

And I wish getting everything I always wanted -- always needed -- didn't have to hurt you in the process. But I can't lie to you, and I can't come home. I'm not. I can't face you. I can't look you in the eye, because I know I wouldn't be able to walk away. You would say all these incredible things, kiss me, and make me feel a way that no one had been able to do before, but I can't leave my family.

Maybe "I love you" isn't the right thing to say, but thank you. Thank you for making me a better person, taking care of me when I needed you, and for taking care of yourself when you needed you, too.

I went to a lawyer, and I signed divorce papers. I left everything to you. It's yours. You worked for every cent you ever earned and then some.

I also left you my shares in Grey-Sloan. I know whatever you choose to do with them will be amazing. Just like you. You deserve the world, and then everything else. I hope you find so much better than me.

Thank you.

I'm sorry. I don't know how to end this. I don't want to.

Goodbye."