19

The Baracas's lair is filled with machine tools, machinery, and goldsmithery equipment. There are great anvils for it.

In the corner, the vast majority of a black GMC van, with a red stripe on both sides, sits. The Baracus sometimes uses its parts to enhance himself... (Don't ask, if you don't want to know.)

After a long hunt, the Baracus comes back inside. He's tired...but even in fatigue, he can be deadly. Just ask any of the otters he's pancaked with his paws.

At the very end of his tail, a gold chain is tied. Like a club, he inadvertently hits it against all the walls leading into his lair. When he does, a certain blonde bimbo in a gold bikini squeals. She's been tied to the end of his tail, via this gold chain...

It's Ms. O'Hannorhan. Like a stray mouse running wild in the Khmer jungles, she's been caught.

In the center of his lair, the Baracus stands. He yawns, humps his back, and raises the fur atop it. He also swings his tail, shaking the gold chain loose.

Like a pebble, Ms. O'Hannorhan screams, as she's flung across the lair. She hits a gong, and makes it ring. The lair shakes, like a quake. Dazed, Ms. O'Hannorhan slides down from the gong's center, and lands on the surface of an anvil...on her bum.

It's a very nice bum. The Baracus is going to have a lot of fun tormenting it, along with the rest of her bikini-clad body...

In a tunnel opening above, Face crawls forth, on his chest. He peers around. He sees Ms. O'Hannorhan, lying helplessly on one of the Baracus's anvils, frightfully awaiting her fate. Naturally, Face is tempted to shout...

He's awkwardly cut off, as Tia Fullbright pounces on Face's back, inadvertently wedging the back of his head inside her boobs, and covering his mouth with her hands. She places her mouth to his ear, and shushes him.

"I only FEED that bastard cat," Ms. Fullbright whispers. "I don't tame him. Nobody can. That's how he is."

Face heeds a wall mural in the lair, of a set of army sergeant first class's stripes. "Looks like he wasn't always so..."

"Don't kid yourself. Sergeants slug officers in the gut all the time, in any army."

Face scoffs. "Not from where I come from, they don't."

"Yeah, well, it's a crazy demographic. Look, I'm going to distract the monstrous cat while you save the girl. Can you do that?"

Face studies her. "I'd...hate for you to die doing this."

"Look, I don't have a choice. DeJarro's been making me do this since my pubescence. And this is just the most boring thing he's made me do."

Face acknowledges a few whip scars, on Ms. Fulbright's lower back. "Oh, I...I think I can imagine."

Ms. Fulbright stares at him. "Are you staring at my butt?!"

"What?! No, no! Ms. O'Hannorhan's my... I can't really say I'm COMMITTED to her, but..."

"Never mind. Just go down there, and be in position when I start running the bluff. The Baracus likes to take his time with young women, but you never know with monsters like him."

Face sighs, and looks down upon the Baracus. "Such a gorgeous creature. Such a shame it serves such an awful man..."

"Templeton!"

Face nods, and leaves the cave, leaving Ms. Fulbright be. In his absence, she prepares the distraction...

Rumbling like thunder, the Baracus turns towards the anvil, and approaches the tiny girl atop it. His pawsteps make thunder, as he ascends the stepped dais leading up to the anvil...

Whimpering, Ms. O'Hannorhan crawls backwards across its surface. Like a bimbo, she accidentally falls off the back end when she gets to it.

The Baracus catches her, by the bikini bottom, via one of his claws. He holds her over his face.

Gaping down, Ms. O'Hannorhan trembles more than ever. She thins she's going to spill twenty-three different fluids at once...

Alas, an arrow flies, and sticks itself into the Baracus's gold collar. It hits the latch perfectly, causing the collar to fall off his neck, and hit the ground, with thunder.

The Baracus hesitates. He spins Ms. O'Hannorhan around, like a lasso via her panties, with his claw, and tosses her away. She lands in a smelting pot for smelted gold.

"Hey! You! Pantero! Up here!"

The Baracus turns, towards the Austronesian bitch who's dared unhinge his collar. He steps on said collar, as he approaches the spot beneath which Ms. Fulbright stands, running her bluff.

"I think it's about time we had a talk," she yells down, "about us. All these years, I've been feeding you. I've let you tease me. I've let you hold me over a pot of smelted gold by my panties. Hell, I've even tolerated your cat breath, while you threatened to eat me like the mouse you think I am! Well guess what, pussycat? I'm no mouse! I'M A RELIC FUCKING HUNTER...!"

Behind the Baracus, in the smelting pot, Ms. O'Hannorhan trembles, pulling her panties back up, after what the Baracus just did to them. It's scary in here. She sure hopes the smelting furnaces don't turn themselves on by mistake...or however these work...

Face isn't sure how he gets into the pot with her...but he does. After announcing himself to her, he throws a rope.

Ms. O'Hannorhan stumbles, and makes a lot of noise as she's trying to climb out. The hinges that this pot hangs from have seen better days. Face is petrified; even so, he knows better manners than to leave a damsel in distress...in distress.

Ms. Fulbright stands in the cave opening, still running her bluff. Below her, the Baracus rears, and shows her his fangs. As big and sharp as they are, Ms. Fulbright doesn't yield. She's a relic huntress; she doesn't scare that easily.

The Baracus repeatedly tries to pancake Ms. Fulbright with his paw. Alas, the Relic Huntress is fast, as well as Ali Wong-mouthed.

Squealing, Ms. O'Hannorhan swings onto Face's back...and hangs petrified, as she views the long drop, beneath her. Face wouldn't tell her, but she's heavy. But at least her hooters feel great, against his back. Like a hanging goat, he starts taking the baby-steps necessary to get out of this life-hanger...

Above, a chain snaps. Ms. O'Hannorhan screams, and stupidly gives both her and Face away, as the chain above, and all of the other smelting pots hanging from it, drag themselves to the floor.

Face leaps, and barely escapes a harder landing. He rolls across the floor. More bouncy with more body fat, Ms. O'Hannorhan bounces even farther.

Face pants, and looks up. He reaches his arm towards Ms. O'Hannorhan.

She sees him. She crawls towards him, and reaches out her arm...

Alas, the Baracus saw this, and lays a huge paw atop Ms. O'Hannorhan's bum. From it, he flexes his claws. Like an arch, the sharp point of one comes down right in front of Ms. O'Hannorhan's face. She screams.

Terrified, Face looks up, into the terrifying cat-like gaze of the Baracus. The great cat-like beast lowers his face, and narrows his lit green eyes.

"I PITY THE FOOL," he roars, with his famous and infamous roar.

Where they are, Face and Ms. O'Hannorhan both tremble. This could, indeed, be both of their ends...