36. Chapter 36

Carina is talking on the phone to Gabriella. It’s starting to really irritate Maya. This is the second time today that it’s happened. They are supposed to be spending their final hours and minutes together and here Carina is talking on the phone to her friend who is in Italy, at the place that she is soon going to be, the place that they will be together. Here Carina is spending the few precious moments that they have left spending that time talking with Gabriella.

So, she says something about it. She knows it’s stupid and petty but she’s feeling neglected and like Carina is already gone, already in Italy, even though she’s literally standing right in front of her.

And talking about Gabriella evolves into talking about Carina’s visa and how she should have known it was expiring months ago. And that turns into Carina blaming Maya for not being supportive, for not understanding the visa issues.

Maya is at least guilty of not understanding how immigration or visa work. Or putting in any effort to try to understand. So, Carina is right to call her out on it, but maybe not fair to be doing it right now.

“So, it’s my fault that I was born here?”

“No one is talking about fault.” Carina tries to get this point across to Maya. She’s trying to say it’s not Maya’s fault just as much as it isn’t her fault that this is happening. It just is. And they have to try to deal with it.

“This- this is the problem with this country. The borders, the division, the walls. This is the-“ Carina sighs as she sees Maya checking out of the conversation, argument. She just looks around the room, has stopped listening and Carina knows why. She knows it’s because she’s raised her voice. She knows it’s because she animated, and her hands are doing the talking along with the words. She knows.

“I’m sorry.” She looks over at Maya but Maya refuses to look at her. “I feel crazy. I go from feeling totally empty to feeling everything at once. I’m sorry, bambina.”

“It’s fine.”

“I know that when I am excited it seems like I’m yelling but I’m not yelling- I’m not yelling at you, bambina. It’s like- I’m sorry.” She approaches Maya, feeling like she’s spinning out of control and Maya isn’t giving her any reaction good or bad or any way to reign in her emotions.

She knows she’s messed up. She knows she shouldn’t yell whether it’s at Maya or not. Carina is stressed out. She knows they are both stressed out about everything and anything that is happening in their personal lives and the things outside of their control. The pandemic, the visa, the social unrest, and injustice. It’s too much to deal with all at once. They’ve been dealt the shittiest of hands.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Carina tries to take Maya’s hands in her own.

But Maya doesn’t want that. She doesn’t want Carina’s I’m sorry’s either. “It’s okay.” Carina persists and Maya flaps her arms out at her sides so Carina won’t touch her. “It’s fine.” She insists harshly and Carina takes a step back. She can see how Carina jumps a little. How she might be scared of Maya in that moment, so she reaches out and puts her hands on top of Carina’s to try to convince her she didn’t mean any malice. The touch stills both of them and they stare at each other for a moment, trying to collect their thoughts and emotions.

Maya hates this. She absolutely hates it. From the beginning of the day everything felt like it’s been spiraling downwards. And now, here they are arguing about the things that they’ve refused to talk about because they were difficult subjects. And she hates it. She doesn’t want this to be how she remembers her last moments with Carina.

Carina feels it too. She paces around in front of Maya before sitting on the back of the couch next to her. She hates it too. They are better than this. They should be better than this. They shouldn’t be arguing right now. They should be able to have difficult conversations like two responsible adults. But they haven’t done that thus far.

“Everything you said is true. I was so worried about you leaving that I never actually asked you how you felt. I just assumed that you were happy to go home for a little bit.”

Maya looks down at the floor. Those feelings of fear about Carina leaving and going home return. Those thoughts, of what if she returns home and decides she misses it so much that she decides to stay in Italy permanently, pester her again.

“Home?” Carina questions her.

Maya doesn’t understand how Carina can be picking out something so small as the specific location. She knows Carina isn’t going to be going back to the exact spot that she grew up. She just means Italy in general. She wishes they could just drop this, but she gets a little defensive that she’s being called out again.

“I know. I know your home home is in the south. I just-“ Maya doesn’t know where she’s going with this. “Thought that-“ She sighs, giving up.

Carina turns to Maya and explains what Maya is missing. “Italy hasn’t felt like home since my mamma left when I was sixteen years old. Then it just became the place where I lived.”

Maya looks over and sees the anguish in Carina’s eyes as she speaks. She’s not sure what Carina means here. Of course, Italy is Carina’s home. She’s mentioned it on more than one occasion. Especially recently, when Italy was bad with Covid. Carina’s home was a scary place. And when Andrew died and she wanted to fly back to Italy, back home.

“I didn’t find my home until I met you, bambina.”

Oh. Maya doesn’t know what to do with that, though. Carina is still leaving.

“You’re my home.” Carina tells her with watery eyes. “And I’m being kicked out of my home in the middle of a pandemic.”

It dawns on Maya how hard this is for Carina too. “And you’ve been pretending it’s no big deal so I wouldn’t lose it.” Maybe they do and are understanding each other right now, just getting their communication crossed.

Carina nods in confirmation.

“I’m sorry.” Carina takes a hold of Maya’s hand.

“I’m sorry.” Maya shakes her head. She can’t believe this. “I’m sorry.” She reaches up and caresses the back of Carina’s skull.

“I love you.”

“I love you.” All isn’t forgiven but as Maya leans in for a kiss all can be resolved with better communication. But then Carina is tipping her over the back of the couch and rolling on top of her and they are laughing into the kiss.

She takes hold of Carina’s head, hands over each of her ears and holds her at a bit of a distance so she can look at her, admire her face, looking into the rich brown eyes. “I’m your home?” She whispers.

Carina nods, and leans down, forcing Maya to allow her. She rubs her nose against Maya’s. “You’re my home. Me and you. Home. There’s that thing people say- and I’ll probably get it wrong but- They say sometimes home isn’t a place but a person. And I always thought that was stupid. Until recently. Until the pandemic and I was lonely and scared. Until Andrea died and I needed support and comfort. That’s when I realized those stupid people were right. You’re my home. You are everything a home should be. Safety. Protection. Warmth. Fun. Loving. Caring. Strong. Security. Comfortable. Maya, this apartment and more importantly, you- are my home.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

Carina chuckles. “You don’t need to say anything.”

“I love you.” Maya says softly.

“That’s a good thing to say.” Carina smiles softly. “I love you, bambina. Bacami.”

Maya pulls her in for a quick kiss. A quick, fierce kiss. One that slips past anything that would be considered publicly appropriate. A kiss that has Maya’s toe curling, her hands roaming, and her core heating.

“Carina.”

“I know.” Carina mouths. They don’t have a lot of time if they are going to do this. It has to be quick. Carina sits back on her heels and pulls her shirt off. “Sit up.” Carina instructs and when Maya does Carina pulls her sweatshirt over her head. Maya’s bare skin prickles in the cool air.

Carina puts a hand on the center of Maya’s chest forcing her back down onto the couch. She undoes the button on her jeans, sliding down the zipper with her other hand. Maya hisses and Carina’s fingers slip into her underwear.

Carina tucks herself between Maya’s side and the back of the couch. It’s a little cramped but she makes it work. Maya arches up into Carina’s touch as she works over that sensitive bundle of nerves. “Always so responsive, bella.”

Maya wraps her right arm around Carina pulling her impossibly close. “For you. Only for you.” She whispers, a promise.

Carina kisses her cheek as she works Maya towards her orgasm.

“I wanna-“ Maya wrinkles up her face, almost like she’s in pain. “I wanna feel you.”

Carina doesn’t need to ask what Maya means, she knows. Somehow, their unspoken language has always had clear communication. It seems like it’s when they have to use words it’s when they tend to struggle a little.

There’s only one problem. “There’s not enough room, bambina.”

“Floor.” Maya mumbles.

Carina pulls her hand from Maya’s pants. The blonde moaning at the loss. Carina grabs the couch pillow from near their feet and they move to the floor. A mess of tangled limbs and soft giggles in their rush.

Carina resumes her position on top of Maya. This time hovering over her, supporting herself on her elbows and forearms. Maya doesn’t waste any time undoing the buttons on Carina’s pants and slipping her hand inside. Carina moaning when Maya’s cool fingers come into contact with her heated skin.

“Maya.” Her eyes roll back in her head as she rocks against those fingers. “Right there.” She stills and lets Maya do all the work. Carina presses her forehead against Maya’s shoulder as she approaches her release. As she climaxes, all the stress is released from her body in those few seconds. A wave of calm passes over her as she comes down from her high, slumping against Maya’s body. Maya’s arms wrap around her back and hold her close. Lips press against the side of her head and Carina hears Maya whispering words but can’t make our what they are in her head.

Carina only needs a few moments to recover before she’s back on her forearms and then slipping off to Maya’s side, like she was on the couch. She resumes her ministrations. She watches Maya’s face as it contorts and twist with pleasure. It’s one of her favorite sights in the world. Being able to watch Maya as she comes is a favorite activity of hers. She leans down and presses her lips to the center of Maya’s chest, leaving wet kisses there. “You are absolutely beautiful, bambina.” She mumbles against her skin. “Come for me.”

Maya moans and then she is coming against Carina’s fingers.

Carina chuckles. “Good girl.” She praises even though she knows Maya hates it. Well, she doesn’t hate it, but she is self-conscious at the fact that all Carina has to do is ask and Maya is relenting. Carina settles off to the side and lets Maya catch her breath. She just watches her as she lays there, quietly. Carina runs her palm up and down Maya’s arm and then switches to lightly scratching her fingertips over her stomach. These are the best moments. In that quiet, post-coital haze. When nothing else matters but each other. A calm satisfaction surrounding them.

That calm doesn’t last long though. When Maya brings up getting married emotions, stress, anxiety gets ramped up again. There’s arguing and yelling. And then Maya, in her stupidity, opens her big mouth.

“Maybe we should just take a break.”

She hates it as soon as it comes out of her mouth. It feels like everything is going against them and if everything just stopped, if there was a break, for a little bit maybe they could catch up.

Carina looks at Maya in disbelief. She really can’t believe Maya is saying this. First, it was that she wants to get married and now she wants them to break up. Carina really has whiplash with all of this.

Maya backpedals. “Not- not for good. Just- we don’t even know when you’re going to be able to come back.” It’s the main thing that Maya worries about.

“So what? You want to see other people.” Carina is hurt by the fact that because Maya can’t deal with her leaving and with the visa; so she wants them to break up. This seems so ridiculous. “In the middle of a pandemic?”

“No. But the time difference. And you’ll be busy, and I’ll be busy. And the world- my city is on fire.” Maya can feel herself losing control. Her arms are flailing as she speaks, her voice getting louder and louder with each word that comes out of her mouth.

Carina can see it too. “Maya, breathe. Breathe.” She tries to tell her over Maya ranting and excuses.

“And I mean that in the most unimaginable-“ She finally listens to what Carina is saying.

“Breathe, Maya. Breathe.”

Maya takes in a deep breath. She holds the breath for a moment before slowly letting it out. She calms down a little but not much. All these things she learned today about Carina. Marriage and babies. They are things Maya feels like she should have known already. To just be learning them today, she almost feels blindsided.

She knows some of the blame is on herself, though. A lot of the blame, if she’s being honest. If she wanted to know these things she should have asked. There should have been discussions about major life events at some point. Maya feels like maybe they just hadn’t gotten to that yet. What with a pandemic and Andrew’s death and her cheating on Carina. That stuff monopolized their time. It felt like they were just trying to hold everything together and heal from these traumas for so much of the time that the other things didn’t matter. And at some point, Maya figures that these topics would have been brought up and discussed but now everything is sped up with Carina’s visa expiring and her having to leave.

And in her frustration, Carina throws Maya’s lack of understanding back in her face.

“So, you want to break up temporarily or are we breaking up because we are not right for each other?”

She’s so sick of Maya and her dramatics right now.

“I didn’t say break up. I said take a break.” Maya tries to clarify.

“Frankly, I don’t understand the difference.” She hastily throws a book into her bag. “Do you want to get married?” Carina doesn’t understand how Maya can be like this right now. She’s about to leave and this is what they are arguing about. And no, she doesn’t want to get married, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t take her relationship with Maya seriously. It doesn’t mean that there isn’t a future for them. It doesn’t mean that she hasn’t been treating it like a marriage from the day she agreed to move in.

“I married you the day I moved into this apartment, Maya. I don’t believe in ticking a box and calling that a marriage. I believe in building a life together. With the person you want to spend it with. Every. Single. Day. When I moved into this house. For me. That was a marriage.”

“That is not how it works.” Maya accents her words with hand gestures. She doesn’t even realize she’s doing it. She’s just picked it up from Carina because Carina is talking with her hands.

Carina half scoffs, half chuckles. “Marriage. The kind the government says is okay, puts an obligation on love.” She’s near tears. Carina doesn’t ever want to feel obligated to someone or to do something. “Marriage ruins family. Marriage is just a made up financial-“

Maya doesn’t understand this. For her, marriage is the solution to their problems. Yes, of course she loves Carina and wants to spend her life with her; but if they have to do this now instead of not being married, or being in separate countries, or getting married sometime in the future she would do it in a heartbeat.

“Marriage is what can keep us together.” It seems so simple to her.

“Exactly!” Carina yells and stomps her feet. “It is crazy that the only recourse that I have to stay in Seattle, to stay in my life with you is to sign a piece of paper saying I will never leave you.” She feels exasperated by all of this. “A piece of paper that people like us aren’t allowed to have in my country.”

Maya tries to convince Carina that it is in fact just a piece of paper so it shouldn’t matter. But Carina doesn’t see it that way.

“Well, you’ll still have Gabriella.” Maya says the one thing that will sting the most.

Carina stops as she’s putting her coat on. She knows it’s a low blow. She knows why Maya said it. She knows Maya is jealous and no matter how many times she tells her that she and Gabriella are just friends now; or tells or shows her how committed she is to their relationship that Maya just can’t put Gabriella out of her mind. She knows it doesn’t help that she’s going back to Italy to spend time with her friend while Maya is here in Seattle. But the pettiness in Maya is appalling.

“Wow.”

“I mean maybe she’s who you’re supposed to be with.”

“Maya, stop.”

“Maybe we’re just not meant to be together forever.”

“Stop, Maya. You’ve said enough.” Carina takes her bag from the table and walks past Maya. She can’t deal with this right now. She has to get to the airport. This isn’t how she wanted to leave things with Maya. But she doesn’t have any choice right now. If Carina doesn’t leave now, she’ll miss her flight. She collects her bags.

“You still want me to take you to the airport?”

She turns at the question. “No.” Carina opens the door, takes her bags, and walks out.                            

Maya thinks about what Andy said. It’s the first thing that pops into her head after Carina disappears into the hallway. You two are meant to be. Maya scoffs at the words. She believed it when Andy said it. Maya doesn’t know if she believes it anymore.

She hangs her head. Maya isn’t sure what to think anymore. She started the day thinking that she was going to propose, and Carina would accept, and that would fix the visa issue, and that then they would start the process of marriage prep. Maya had all these ideas. She had her future laid out in front of her. But her suggestion to get married ended in them effectively breaking up.

Her future just walked out the door and perhaps out of her life. Maya looks around the room. She can’t be here. Not right now. It’s too much. She also has somewhere she has to be in about an hour. She’s scheduled to meet Andy and Jack down at the hospital to greet Warren when he gets released. Maya agreed to that yesterday before she knew- before she knew that her life would be ruined.

Maya goes down to the closest park and sits on a bench. It’s a beautiful day. A little windy but a beautiful day to have everything turned upside down. She thinks about everything she said to Carina and knows some of it was out of spite and anger. She wishes she could, at least, take back what she said about Gabriella. There are other things that aren’t great either, but that is the worst one. It’s the one thing that she said that she truly regrets.

She walks down to the hospital, hands stuffed in her pockets as she goes. Maya really doesn’t want to be seen right now. She doesn’t want to have to interact with other people. She doesn’t want to put on a happy face. Because she’s not happy. She knows there are going to be questions. She knows Andy is going to ask how it was dropping Carina off at the airport. Maya scoffs at that. She has no idea because she didn’t do it.

As soon as Carina said no to Maya going to the airport, she knew she was in trouble. There’s a little bit of hope inside of her that says just give it some time, you both just need some space. Maya chuckles cynically at that. “Is Seattle to Italy enough space?” She mumbles to herself as she approaches the hospital.

Carina keeps running her hands over her face in the car on the way to the airport. After she left the apartment, she had walked a few blocks before getting an Uber. “Che disastro.” (What a disaster.)

This wasn’t how she wanted to go to the airport. Carina wanted Maya to drive her. She wanted Maya to take her car and drive her to the airport where they would say goodbye and then Maya would go to her little greeting at the hospital for Ben. Instead, she’s in the back of an Uber wondering what’s going to happen to them. Wondering if that’s the last time she’s going to see Maya. Wondering if Maya is serious about breaking up. And why? All because she didn’t get her way. Carina knows that sounds childish but one of them was going to get their way and the other wasn’t. It can be a simple as that. But Carina’s not stupid. She knows it’s not as simple as that. It’s complicated. Far more complicated than she wants it to be. And she didn’t want to yell and argue with Maya. She never wants to do that.

She pulls out her phone and finds Gabriella’s contact. Carina shakes her head. Maybe Maya does have a point about Gabriella. The last few days they’ve been in continued contact and here she is again pulling her phone out and calling Gabriella. She reasons that it’s only because she needs someone to vent to.

“Ciao. Are you on your way?” Gabriella answers the call. She starts walking through the hospital hallways looking for someplace quiet.

“Maya proposed.” Carina doesn’t bother answering the question.

“Marriage?” Gabriella tilts her head to the side.

“Si. But it wasn’t like get down on one knee, I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And I told her I didn’t want to get married.”

Gabriella doesn’t understand. Does Carina want a romantic, cute, extravagant marriage proposal or does she not want to be married. Because she’s saying one thing and acting another way about this.

“Gabriella, my parents nearly killed each other. They- they separated Andrea and I- they-“

“Okay. Okay. Listen to me.” She sees her friend panicking. She knows she’s on her way to the airport. She knows everything that’s going on. She knows that Carina is, in her own way, asking for help, advice. “Everyone’s parents get divorced. That’s not a good excuse not to get married.” She finally finds somewhere quiet.

“Marriage is not real.” Carina argues.

“Then get a divorce in two years. So what.”

“What Maya and I have is real. And I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me that. And I don’t want to run into a situation that we might regret in a couple of years just because of paperwork.”

To Gabriella it sounds like Carina is stuck on the what ifs. The past shaping her future. Her parents past transgressions affecting her present life.

“So, you’re willing to lose her instead? Huh?”

Carina sinks down in her seat after Gabriella tells her that she’s never seen Carina happier than when she was with Maya. That she’d be silly not to get married. To celebrate the fact that they can get married in the US and not in Italy. She knows what Gabriella is saying is true, but she doesn’t know if she can get over her issues with the ‘traditional’ marriage and actually sign the papers to be married. It has nothing to do with Maya, she realizes. It’s all about the bureaucracy of it. About the rigid rules and the government having a say in her relationship.

She huffs out a frustrated breath. “Turn the car around.” Carina looks up the address for the hospital and gives it to the driver. She doesn’t know what she’s going to say when she gets there but she can’t leave things with Maya like this. She can’t just leave them hanging in limbo. There has got to be some common ground that they can find. A compromise. That’s what marriage is about right. Two people compromising on things that don’t necessarily agree on. A give and take. A shared understanding.

When the car pulls up Carina hops out. She sees Maya standing there talking to Andy, her back to her. And then Maya is turning around.

“Marry me.”

Carina shakes her head. That wasn’t what she was planning on saying first. She goes into what she wanted to say. About the government interference and how she would rather get married than lose Maya.

Maya shakes her head like she’s going to say no. She says she doesn’t know if she wants kids, and that the world is a mess.

Carina fears Maya has already giving up on them. She tries to reassure her that it will all be okay. They don’t have to decide on kids this very minute. And the world is a mess, but it won’t always be a mess. At least, she doesn’t think their personal worlds will always be a mess.

“But what I know is that I want to be in this beautiful mess of a changing world with you. Please. Please, bambina. Marry me.” Carina sees the tears in Maya’s eyes but doesn’t know what they mean. But then Maya is reaching up, hands coming to her face, kissing her.

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes.” Maya smiles into the following kiss.

Carina can’t help but smile at Maya when they pull apart but only for a second before she needs to kiss her again.

Maya got them a ride home after saying goodbye to their friends. Once they reached the apartment and the door is securely shut, hands were on each other, clothes were discarded as they made their way to the bed. There would be no rushed floor sex this time.

It’s after a few emotional rounds of celebratory love making that they take a break to just relax and calm down.

Maya is laying on her side and is just watching Carina. Carina looks up at the ceiling. “What are you thinking?” Maya is the first one to break the silence.

“I’ve told you before that you shouldn’t be threatened by Gabriella.” Carina says. It’s the one thing from their fight that keeps sticking in her mind.

Maya sighs. This again. She knows she shouldn’t have brought Gabriella up; but she just went to that place. She’s not proud of it. “I know.”

It’s not the apology that Carina wants but she’s hopeful that Maya will get to that.

They lay in comfortable silence for a while. Just gazing at each other and exchange soft touches, soft kisses.

“Not that I’m complaining, but what made you change your mind? What made you come back?” Maya never thought that she would see Carina again this day after she left for the airport, let alone find themselves where they are now. Needless to say, it’s been a crazy day.

Carina hums. “You know I never got to the airport.”

“No, but you were on your way.” Maya brings up the reality of it all.

“I was.” Carina smirks.

“What?” Maya asks of that smirk.

Carina hopes that Maya thinks this is funny. “In the car, I was on the phone with Gabriella.”

Maya rolls her eyes and chuckles. “Of course.” She looks away from Carina. She just needs a minute. She always gets irrationally jealous of Gabriella. The thought that Carina called Gabriella right after they fought irks her.

“Maya.” She gets the blonde’s attention.

Maya looks back at her future wife. She smiles thinking that Carina is going to be her wife very shortly. They haven’t even talked about that yet, but just the thought makes Maya so happy.

“It was Gabriella.”

Maya wrinkles her brow. So much for the happy thoughts. “What was?” She feels like she missed something. Was she zoned out and Carina said something that she missed?

“She’s the one who convinced me. Well, not convinced me, but she made me see what was happening. She made me see what I was doing. What I was giving up.”

“Oh.” Maya is a bit surprised by this. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Carina nods, giving Maya a serious look. “Amore, I didn’t want to get married. But not because of you or about you. It’s because of what the institution of marriage stands for in society. We talked about this.” Carina sighs. She doesn’t really want to go over this fight again. It’s still raw and painful.

“It’s not that I don’t want to marry you. Maya, you are everything to me. In my mind, we are already married. Me and you, together, always. And for the government or society to have a say in that- There’s not one right way to do things.”

“It’s the conventional way.” Maya mumbles.

Carina giggles. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed-“ She motions between their naked bodies. “We’re not conventional, as they would say.”

Maya sighs and closes her eyes. “Right. But it’s different.” She opens her eyes again and looks at Carina, resting her palm on her cheek.

“What is, bambina?”

“It’ll be different. Our marriage. Cuz it’ll be ours.” Maya whispers.

“It’s just ours.” Carina smiles and leans in for a kiss. She thinks for a moment that Maya might be one hundred percent correct. Their marriage can and will be different. Because it is just theirs.

They kiss for a while. Long, lazy, loving kisses.

“Does this mean I don’t get to be jealous about Gabriella anymore?” Maya laughs lighthearted.

“No, it means you should call her and thank her.” Carina mumbles before kissing Maya again.

Maya giggles into the kiss. “Do I have to do it right now?”

“No, we are busy.” She kisses Maya again, shutting her up. But only for a minute or so.

Maya wiggles away from Carina’s lips. “I think I should. I need to thank her. You are right. Cuz that sex we just had.” Maya rolls her head back, closes her eyes. “Mind blowing.”

Carina laughs.

Maya gets serious again. “I feel like I need to thank you too.”

Carina raises an eyebrow at her.

“For coming back. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you left and I never saw you again. Probably be depressed for the rest of my life.” Carina probably thinks she’s being dramatic but she’s dead serious.

“Oh, Maya.” Carina caresses Maya’s face in her hands.

“I know. Way to kill the mood. But I know that there’s a lot we have to talk about. All that happened. And all the marriage stuff. And what we are going to do now. And what you are going to do about work. But even with all that, I feel like the luckiest person on the planet. Today was a lot. A lot, a lot. And that will take some time to process.”

“Agreed.”

Maya has more to say but she just stops for a moment and admires the woman laying with her in bed. “Carina. You’re it. And as crazy and as scary as that is to say, it’s true. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t need anyone else. Just you.” Maya can feel the tears forming in her eyes, but she lets them, doesn’t shy away from them. “I love you so much. I was serious when I said I didn’t know what I would do without you. It’s become my greatest fear in life. Losing you. And I almost lost you again today. That’s twice now. And I don’t want it to ever happen again. I know you aren’t crazy about the institution of marriage. And to be fair, I’m not thrilled about it either all the time. But I feel like it’s something we can do to strengthen our relationship. To make sure that no one, no outside force, can tear us apart. At the end of the day, it’s just a piece of paper, a document, but I still feel like it’s important.” She knows a few tears have made their way from her eyes down her cheeks. “Because you are important, and we are important. So, I know you aren’t crazy about it, but that’s how I feel.”

Carina looks at Maya for a moment. She wipes the tears from her cheeks before leaning in to peck her lips softly. “No, I’m not crazy about it, but I am crazy about you. Ti amo, Maya. Ti amo. They say love makes you crazy. And they are right. I’m getting married. Something I never thought I would do. Because I am so deeply, thoroughly in love with you. And I do want to spend the rest of my life with you. But I would have happily done that without getting married as well. Gabriella was right. She said she’s never seen me so happy. Like deep down happy. Even in my grief, even with all the crap that’s happened this year, I’m still so very happy and that’s because of you.”

“I’m sorry for throwing her in your face. That was wrong and I didn’t mean it.”

Carina sighs. There’s the apology that she wanted. “And I’m sorry for the horrible things I said as well. You know I didn’t mean them.”

“I know. I was just so scared. I was so afraid that you were going to leave. There was no determined return date. I just thought what if weeks turn into months, and then more months, and then a year, or forever. I just- I just-“ Maya shivers. She just can’t shake that feeling. “I guess part of me is still scared that that’s going to happen. That you are going to leave and never come back. I think that fear fueled all my irrational emotions. And I went to that yelling place. And I hate that because it reminds me of my father. And I don’t want to be like him.”

“I know, bambina.” Carina kisses Maya’s forehead. “You are not like him.”

Maya laughs, cynically. “You don’t know that. You’ve never met him.”

“No.” Carina raises an eyebrow. “But I’ve met you. From everything you’ve told me about him I just know that you are not like him. You make a conscious, most of the time, effort to be not like him.”

Maya sighs, laying her head on Carina’s chest. Carina wraps her arm around her, holding her to her chest. “Thank you.” Maya whispers

Carina hums in reply. She’s got a lot to figure out but laying here with Maya she knows that they can figure it out together. It might be difficult at times. There will be arguments and disagreements, but she thinks that if at the end of each day they come back to this place, moments like this, in this room, their safe space, that they’ll be okay.