6. Chapter 6

Diane Lewis had a habit of appearing.

When Maya was captain, she could at least call to arrange the therapist’s visits. But now she had no idea when the good doctor would walk around the corner, which is why she nearly fell off the treadmill at the sight of SFD’s favourite psychologist in the gym.

With her headphones in, Maya hadn’t heard Dr. Lewis, but the sudden wave of a hand in her peripheral vision sent Maya flying backwards and she barely caught herself before falling to the floor.

“Oh, sorry!” Dr. Lewis said, that ever present half-smile on her face.

Maya removed her airpods and forced a reassuring grin.

“It’s fine.

“Mmhmm.”

“Is there anything I can do for you or…” Maya tried not to let the humiliation of her demotion cloud her feelings. She’d once been the person to invite Dr. Lewis to the station, to use her office, to speak with her firefighters. And now Maya was just one of the many good little soldiers required to speak to a therapist whenever the captain required it.

“Chief Ross has asked that I debrief you all after the Sinclair incident last week.”

Maya scowled. A member of D-Squad had been hurt and a civilian was caught in a flashover. It had been a hard call. Harder still because Beckett refused to let Maya or Jack do anything without running it by him three times first in some lame attempt at proving his authority. To Maya it had looked like a whole lot of dick swinging and if Beckett wanted a contest, Maya had a drawer full of giant d…

“Uh…right,” Maya said, clearing her throat, “I was on Aid Car that day. Gibson and Warren were inside. You’re probably looking for them.”

Dr. Lewis nodded once and then titled her head, looking at Maya with eyes that somehow saw everything, even the things Maya was trying to hide.

“How are you feeling about the demotion? I was told Chief Ross denied your appeal.”

“It’s…fine.” Maya kept her voice even, but turned towards the weight wrack. She picked up something much too heavy for casual lifting, but the burn felt better than acknowledging that Dr. Lewis’s question landed like a kick in the teeth.

“Really? That would surprise me. From what I can tell, you were an exemplary Captain. Waiting a year for news and then not getting the news you want? If it were me I’d be screaming in the streets.”

Maya curled her arm, lifting the dumbbell and then lowering it.

“I don’t need your sympathy,” she huffed, eyes focused on the window beyond Diane’s shoulder.

“I realize that. But you do have my empathy.”

Carina’s voice rose in her mind. Too soft…

“Dr. Lewis, I appreciate your concern, but the department made it very clear that I am insubordinate, unworthy of command, the wrong man for the job.” Maya sped up her movements, her biceps screaming in protest.

“It’s been a long time since you and I spoke about the clouds, a lot has changed in your life since then.”

She pictured herself stepping away. Disappearing. There one minute in the gym and gone the next. As if there had never been a Maya Bishop at all. And in that space, that impossible, invisible space, she could breathe again, she could breathe…

“Lieutenant Bishop,” Dr. Lewis continued, “do you still think about them?”

The clouds were soft. They carried her. Supported her. She could close her eyes and life would be gone, everything would be gone and in its place the nothingness would wrap around her like a blanket, like Carina’s arms…

Carina

Maya stopped moving and set the weights down. Despite wanting to walk away, a part of her was too tired to keep fighting. She’d been fighting for hours, for days. Every second spent at the station was a fight not to scream. She just needed a minute without fighting.

“I do,” Maya said, raising her face, expecting to see Diane Lewis concerned. Instead, Dr. Lewis only nodded again and crossed her arms.

“Have you had thoughts of hurting yourself?” She asked.

“No.”

“Okay. Last time we talked about them, I suggested that you could find love and rest in this life. I heard you got married?”

Maya thumbed the wedding ring on her finger. “I did.”

“And how’s that going?”

My wife deserves so much more than what I’ve dragged her through. She deserves so much more than I can give her. She would be better off if I no longer existed, if I was never here, if she’d never met me, if…

“Good. My wife is an extraordinary woman,” Maya said, meaning every word.

“And how’s all this effecting her?” Diane gestured to the room, obviously implying the larger situation.

“We’re…we want to start a family. But, uh, things have been…I’ve been…we can’t decide on a sperm donor. So that’s been difficult.”

“It’s an incredibly important and personal decision. Have you spoken to her about the clouds?”

Maya scoffed. “She’s scared enough that I’m not going to come home someday. She doesn’t need to worry about my crappy mental health too.”

Dr. Lewis narrowed her gaze, clearly unhappy with Maya’s answer.

“If she were suffering, would you want to know?”

Oh, not fair…

“Of course,” Maya said, “but she’s not. I am. And she deals with enough from me. I’m not exactly fun to live with these days.”

“Last time we spoke about the clouds…what did you do with my suggestion? Obviously you allowed love into your life. But how long did it take you to do that?”

Maya smiled, softening at the memory. “I asked Carina to go on vacation with me that night. It was the first vacation I’ve taken since joining SFD.”

Diane nodded and looked at Maya with caring eyes. “Love and rest. You seem to have found it, Lieutenant Bishop. Maybe not here in this building. But in your life? It sounds like you have a whole lot of love and while it may not solve anything work-related, don’t forget that you have that respite. You have somewhere safe and somewhere good where you can lay down your burdens and just be. That doesn’t make you weak or less focused or less determined. It makes you lucky.”

The words washed over Maya, adjusting her thought process, realigning neurons. It felt like a slap in the face, but a welcome one, a needed reminder of what she had. And while the heaviness in her chest didn’t dissipate, while the simple act of being at work was exhausting now, Dr. Lewis was right. She had one small corner of her life that felt right, that felt like it was working.

One small corner that was perfect.

The klaxon blared overhead before Maya could say anything more, but Dr. Lewis seemed to be done dispensing wisdom. That half-smile, that annoying half-smile reappeared, and as Maya stood, getting ready to run, Dr. Lewis walked out of the room, disappearing down a hallway.

~*~

You have somewhere safe and somewhere good where you can lay down your burdens and just be. That doesn’t make you weak or less focused or less determined. It makes you lucky.

Long after Maya had finished for the day, Dr. Lewis’s words echoed in her mind. As she extinguished a small apartment fire, as she returned to the station and showered, as she listened to Beckett scold her for rolling her eyes, the thought of somewhere kept her moving forward.

By the time she got home, the words felt excessively loud. She opened the door to their apartment, breathing in, some of her darkness clearing as she smelled Carina’s shampoo in the air. It was nearly midnight, but the light in their bedroom was on, which meant that Carina was there, waiting for her.

The thought made her quicken her movements. She tossed her backpack and her jacket. She kicked off her shoes. She didn’t pause for a glass of water. She just needed to see Carina.

Stepping into the bedroom, she smiled at the sight of her wife propped up in bed, surrounded by medical journals. Carina was busy reading, but she looked up at the sound of Maya opening the door and her smile was a beacon.

“I missed you,” Maya breathed, crawling onto the bed. She was close enough to take Carina’s face in her hands and she did, pulling her into a kiss.

Relief flooded her system and she couldn’t help the small laugh that arose from inside.

“What is it?” Carina asked, smiling against Maya’s lips.

“Oxytocin. I read a study about it once. Great for pain relief.”

“Oh you did?” Carina pulled back, but Maya didn’t let go of her face. After a day spent in a world that seemed grey, Carina illuminated every corner with blinding colour.

The feeling made her greedy. She spent so much time wanting things that she couldn’t have. And that constant want ate her up inside. But Dr. Lewis’s words reminded her that there was a place where that wasn’t true. Where she could have exactly what she wanted. Where she already had it.

“Carina?” Maya bumped her nose against her wife’s.

“Hmmm?”

“I think I need more oxytocin.”

Carina bit her lip and tossed the journal in her hand over her shoulder and then rolled onto her knees and pushed Maya down on the bed, quickly ridding her of her jeans and panties. With one final wink, Carina settled between Maya’s legs, inhaling deeply as she set Maya’s thighs over her shoulders.

There was no warning before Carina licked her with the flat of her tongue. Maya arched just a little in surprise, settling back, allowing herself the comfort of Carina’s mouth, the pleasure of it all. Lips closed over her clit, sucking and for a brief moment her thoughts drifted again.

That makes you lucky.

That makes you lucky.

That makes you lucky.

Maya looked down her body, watching Carina lick her, watching as Carina’s hands drifted from her thighs to her hips and finally to her breasts, still covered by her shirt and bra. Maya hummed, placing her own hands over Carina’s, wanting to feel the connection. She closed her eyes and turned her face into her pillow, breathing heavily, giving in to Carina, wanting nothing more than her wife.

Maya moved her hands slightly, clutching at Carina’s, needing to hold them close as she rolled her hips and bucked against the mattress. She cried out when Carina’s tongue entered her, when she felt Carina’s nose against her clit.

It was the best she’d felt all day. All week. It was the best she’d ever felt.

Because nothing felt good. Every day was a humiliation. Every day she was kicked further and further down, stepped on, overlooked. Every day they tried to make her feel small.

But under Carina’s touch Maya remembered who she was. She remembered her strength. Carina touched her with love, with respect. She touched her with reverence and Maya would have broken down into tears if not for the oxytocin flooding her system, bringing a smile to her lips.

Carina returned to sucking her clit and Maya squeezed her wife’s hands, pushing herself up with her feet, pushing herself closer to Carina, pushing…

Maya came hard, as if all the tension in her body needed to be released. Her muscles locked and she moaned loudly, Carina’s hands the only tether to the world. She felt Carina move, she felt Carina’s tongue as she orgasmed, she felt her wife licking her, cleaning her, hungry, and the thought alone made her come a second time.

She opened her eyes minutes later to find Carina pressing soft kisses to the inside of her thighs, to her tummy. Maya released Carina’s hands, allowing her wife to climb over her body and settle heavily against her. When they kissed, Maya could taste herself, and she smiled.

“How do you feel?” Carina asked, which made Maya laugh. Sometimes she was surprised that Carina didn’t take notes after each orgasm.

“Good. Really good. Can I return the favour?”  

“Maya, I mean it, was your day okay, or…”

“I just want to touch you. We can talk about my day after, but I just want to touch you now,” Maya said, desperate not to lose the moment. Carina studied her face, dark eyes full of concern, and then settled against Maya’s side, resting on her hip.

Maya slipped her hand into the waistband of Carina’s silk boxers, finding her wife wet already.

She stroked her, watching the changes to Carina’s expression, the movement of her eyebrows, the way her lips parted, the way her eyes fluttered shut. Maya luxuriated in the comfort of it all, once more finding herself at peace just from the feel of Carina’s body.

Carina licked her lips, inhaling with a shaky breath, her fingers sharp where they squeezed Maya’s bicep. Maya tucked her face into Carina’s neck, sucking lightly on the skin just below her jaw. She knew she shouldn’t leave a mark, but she could feel Carina’s pulse against her lips, the way it quickened with each stroke between her legs, and that word came back, that word…

Lucky

Carina whispered something in Italian and came quietly, her eyes closed, her lips upturned into a content grin. She shifted just enough to press her forehead against Maya’s and then stilled, her hand never leaving the sleeve of Maya’s shirt.

Maya loved the freedom of their sex life. It was an unexpected perk of marriage. They had nights of passion, of playful, silly touches. There were moments of deep emotional connection and moments that spoke more to exhaustion and needed comfort. She loved that she could lie beside Carina who was still fully clothed and watch her unravel in the middle of the night when they both had work the next day. She loved that she was half naked and yet somehow felt safer than she’d ever felt. She loved that Carina was hers, that she could touch Carina and that Carina could touch her forever.

“Tired?” Maya whispered. Carina shook her head and then opened her eyes.

She traced Maya’s cheekbone with her fingertips, the blissful expression on her face giving way to concern.

“Are you okay, Tesoro?”

How to answer. Maya’s gut instinct was to lie, to tell Carina that she was fine. But she wasn’t, to the point that she couldn’t remember feeling quite so lost, not even after her athletic career came to a sudden end.

“I don’t know,” Maya said, reaching underneath the blankets for Carina’s hip.

“It’s okay if you’re not. You don’t have to pretend.”

“Sometimes I want to. It’s…easier.”

“Can you try not to? For me?” Carina asked. Maya reluctantly nodded her head. She curled herself into Carina’s body, her face tucked below Carina’s chin. It was the only safe place on the planet. The only place where nothing could ever hurt her. She felt like a child stricken by a nightmare seeking warmth and comfort to chase the monsters away.

“Jamie was very alert today,” Carina’s voice was soft, pulling Maya from her thoughts.

“You saw Jamie again?”

“At my lunch hour. All the other bambinos have parents and teddy bears…”

“Did she have anything she wanted to tell me?” Maya yawned, draping one arm over Carina’s side. She felt Carina nuzzle her nose against the top of her head.

“She thinks you’re very strong. And very brave.”

Maya closed her eyes, the warmth of Carina’s skin lulling her to sleep. She knew the sun would rise and she would need to face the darkness again, but for the moment she could pretend that she and Carina were alone in the world.

That she could close her eyes and disappear. Not into the clouds.

But into her wife.

~*~

While Carina was a familiar face around Station 19, Maya rarely visited Grey-Sloan unless she was bringing a patient in the Aid Car.

Babies had no sense of timing so regardless of Carina’s schedule, it was impossible to predict when she’d be called away for a delivery or an emergency consult. But Thursdays were set aside for research, which meant that Carina stayed in her office for most of her shift.

The Station had become a difficult place for Maya and she was struggling with the loss of feeling safe at work. She’d always rolled her eyes at the idea of a “safe space,” but the Station had provided that for her in a way nothing had in her life. At least not until she’d met Carina.

Dr. Lewis reminded her, however, that she still had somewhere safe that she could go, somewhere safe that belonged to her. It helped her get through her days. From the minute she stepped through the doors of 19 to the minute she left for the night, Maya kept the memory of home, of her wife, tucked deep inside.

She was still able to do her job well. Eyes forward had its benefits. But in the hardest moments, the moments when she felt humiliated, when Chief Ross or Beckett would make yet another demeaning comment, she’d let her mind drift to Carina’s arms, to their bed, to the familiar scent of their kitchen.

While eyes forward may have been her mantra, you’re safe was quickly takings its place.

Which is why Maya decided to go see Carina on a rare Thursday she was off shift. She knew she couldn’t stay long, but after being gone for twenty-four hours, Maya needed her safe place. Plus, she had a delivery to make.

She walked through the hospital’s entrance, taking the elevator up to the OB floor, smiling at a few familiar faces as she did. Before she could get to Carina’s office, she had to pass the NICU, and curiosity got the better of her as she paused before the door, straining to see inside.

“Lieutenant Bishop, right on time!”

The sound of Cormac’s voice made her jump and she turned, slightly red faced.

“On time?” She asked, pressing a hand to her chest. She held a firefighter teddy bear in her other hand and had planned to hand it to one of the nurses for Jamie.

“For Jamie’s first bottle feed. Would you like to do it?” Cormac walked by her and through the door, and Maya didn’t think before following him.

The NICU looked the same as it did last time, though there were more parents sitting around incubators during visiting hours. Jamie was still in the corner, still alone, and the thought made Maya’s chest feel heavy. Carina was right. There were no stuffed animals or toys or blankets knit by anxious grandmothers. There was just Jamie and her incubator.

Before Maya could agree to Cormac’s proposal, a nurse brought her a chair, and then she was sitting, her arms open, as Cormac carefully lifted Jamie from her little bed. Once more, there were a lot of wires and tubes to contend with, but soon Jamie was settled, cradled against Maya’s chest.

Unlike the day of her birth, Jamie was alert, her eyes slowly opening and closing. She looked up at Maya and Maya looked down at her in equal amazement.

“Her suck reflex has kicked in, so we thought we’d give this a try today,” a nurse said, holding a bottle.

“Uh…I’m not sure I’m the best person for this job? Babies aren’t’ really my thing,” Maya glanced at the nurse, hoping she’d step in.

“Didn’t you rescue her? Seems right you should be the first.”

Maya felt like a lot of things were happening to her at the same time. The same nurse passed her the bottle and then lay a blanket over Maya’s shoulder. The firefighter teddy bear was placed on top of Jamie’s incubator, which left Maya and Jamie together, staring at all the action.

“Rub the nipple against her lips,” the nurse instructed, which gave Maya pause.

“The nipple?”

“The top of the bottle.”

“Oh,” Maya nodded, “got it.”

She followed the nurse’s guidance, watching with bated breath to see if Jamie would accept the bottle. It took a few tries, but then Jamie latched on and started drinking, her little eyes closing as she sucked.

“Good job, kid. I knew you could do it,” Maya whispered, oddly enthralled by the sight before her. Other than the night of Pru’s birth and the safe-drop baby, she’d barely interacted with babies, let alone a tiny preemie like Jamie.

It felt more peaceful than she had ever imagined.

“We’re learning as we go, aren’t we?” Maya said, trying to keep her voice low, “You’re pretty tough, hey Jamie? Thanks for not making me look like an idiot just now. It was a close one.”

Jamie raised one hand. It came to rest on Maya’s knuckles.

“Milk is good, right? There’s a lot of good stuff out there. How do you feel about kale?”

“Maya?”

Maya looked away from Jamie and found Carina standing in front of her. The look on Carina’s face was strange – surprise, but something else too. She almost seemed wistful…

“Oh, hi. I was just coming to see you and then, uh…this happened.”

Carina rolled up a stool and sat down, close enough that their knees touched.

“Look at her doing so well! Such a big girl already, mia piccola amore.”

Maya raised her eyebrows at the affectionate nickname.

My little love…

“I brought her a friend,” Maya said, gesturing to the teddy bear with her chin.

Again, Carina’s face shifted into that surprised, wistful look. Her eyes even seemed to go hazy for a moment.

Maya wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. But Carina looked so happy and Jamie felt warm and comforting in her arms. She decided not to push it and instead took Dr. Lewis’ advice and let herself have the moment.

Because she felt safe. For the first time since leaving her apartment the day before, she felt safe.