24. Chapter 24

Blood dripped down Maya’s leg, staining her sock and pooling in her shoe, but she kept running.

She knew the cut was deep, too deep for just a Band-Aid and part of her wondered why no one had said anything. Why no one had pulled her father aside and explained that she needed a doctor, not punishment.

Except, Maya knew that was wrong. She did deserve punishment. Because even though she’d won, her time was abysmal, it was unacceptable.

She knew that.

Rain soaked through her hair, her t-shirt and shorts. It mingled with the blood streaming down her leg and she felt light-headed, but she kept running because the only way to stop the pain was to get through it. Her dad had left her at the track for a reason. He’d taken the car, despite the rain and despite her bleeding knee, and told her to get home herself.

Losers didn’t get a chauffeur, he said.

Shame radiated throughout her body, shame because she knew why she’d been so slow at the meet. She knew why and she hated it.

Her father had almost sneered when she red-faced explained that she had her period, that it was her first one ever, that she had cramps and it hurt to move let alone run. Maya didn’t mean for it to happen, on some level she knew that it was not something she could control, but she hated it. She hated her body. She felt betrayed.

She hated her mother’s kind smile, she hated the conspiratorial “you’re a woman now” from her mother’s lips. It was the same conspiratorial smile she’d worn while shopping for Maya’s first training bra. Maya hated it then too.

Lane would never say it out loud, but Maya knew her father loathed her changing body. She could tell in how strict the diets became, as if he could make up for her growing chest by forcing her to lose weight elsewhere. She was so hungry, the smell of hot dogs at the meet enough to make her nearly fall over from want.

Hot dogs were full of chemicals and garbage. They were empty carbs.

Maya whispered that to herself over and over. Chemicals. Garbage. Carbs.

The rain was cold and Maya’s knee hurt so badly. Her sports bra was too tight and her pelvis throbbed and Maya wanted to cry. She wanted to fall over and scream and ask why this had happened to her.

She didn’t want to be a woman. She wanted to be an Olympian.

A car slowed as it approached her, but Maya ignored it, hoping whomever it was would lower their high beams and get out of her way.

“Maya!”

The familiar voice cut through the rain, but Maya was scared to stop. Because what if…

“Maya!”

The car slowed and Maya could see her mother rolling down the window, calling out for her.

“Mom?”

Katherine stepped out with an umbrella, crossing the small distance between them and pulling Maya into a tight embrace. Maya stiffened, but then melted into her mother’s arms, the warmth and comfort so rare.

“Sweetheart, let’s get you home, okay?” Katherine rubbed Maya’s back, but Maya didn’t move.

“Does he…I mean…did Dad…”

“You’re hurt, Maya. I’ll speak to him later, but we need to get you home.”

“But mom, I…”

Katherine cupped Maya’s cheek, her face full of concern.

“He’s going to be even more upset if you catch pneumonia or if that knee gets infected,” Katherine said.

It was true. Her mother was right.

Maya still didn’t move.

“It really hurts mom,” she said, sniffling, unsure if she was talking about her leg or her stomach or her life.

Katherine sighed and despite the rain, despite the fact that she was parked in the middle of the street, she pulled Maya to her again.

“I know, honey,” she whispered, “I know. And I’m so sorry.”

~*~

Maya watched herself in the mirror, frowning at the sight of her father’s eyes staring back.

She knew she had Lane’s eyes. People had commented on it for as long as she could remember. When she was little it was “you have your daddy’s eyes” and as she got older it was “oh, you look like him” and then she moved away and found her life and her eyes became her own.

Most of her Wednesday night conquests spoke about her eyes. Flirty. Meaningless.

Hey, blue eyes

Jack thought she had pretty eyes and at the time that was enough to get him into her bed.

But like most things in Maya’s world, there was a before Carina and an after Carina and after Carina, her perception had changed all over again.

Because Carina didn’t just think her eyes were pretty or sparkly or hot.

Carina thought her eyes were beautiful.

She’d look at Maya’s face, she’d hold her gaze, she’d rub her thumb under Maya’s eyelid, mesmerized, whispering to herself in Italian as if she couldn’t quite believe what she was seeing.

And Maya let her. She forgot about her father’s eyes just like she’d forgotten the names of those faceless Wednesday pursuits, because Carina loved her eyes.

Carina loved her.

Every once in a while though, Maya caught her own reflection and felt unease. She could see her father’s anger, his cruelty. She could see it all reflected back and doubt crept in.

Could Carina see it too?

Could Jamie?

A noise from the doorway pulled Maya’s attention and seconds later Carina walked into the small space, setting down her comb on the counter. She’d obviously caught Maya staring at herself too because when she came to stand behind Maya, she raised her hand, lightly touching one finger just below Maya’s left eye and whispered bellissima.

Maya shrugged, but relaxed when Carina wrapped her arms around Maya’s hips, pulling her back.

“Are you nervous?” Carina asked, meeting Maya’s gaze in the mirror.

“Not nervous, just…cautious…maybe?”

“Hmmm.”

“She’s not a bad person. She wasn’t even a bad mother, she tried her best,” Maya said, more to convince herself, “there are just so many bad memories. Sometimes I forget the good stuff.”

“You have her smile, you know?”

The statement surprised Maya. She’d never heard it before.

“I have his eyes,” Maya couldn’t stop herself from saying it. An old defense mechanism. If she acknowledged it first, she couldn’t be caught off guard when someone else mentioned the resemblance.

“No. You have your eyes. But you have your mama’s smile,” Carina set her chin on Maya’s shoulder, holding her tightly.

“I wasn’t always nice to her. I…I yelled or…I could be cruel for no reason…”

“Bambina.”

“I did that to you too. The yelling…”

The hands around her hips tensed uncomfortably.

“Stop, Maya. We are not our parents. You are not him, just like I am not my father,” Carina’s voice was stern, but she wasn’t angry.

Maya turned in her arms, away from the mirror, no longer wishing to see herself. She wanted to look at Carina instead.

“This is a good idea, right?” She asked, setting both hands on Carina’s shoulders.

“It’s a great idea.”

“We do need more babysitters,” Maya whispered, tipping her face down to kiss Carina’s neck.

“Mmmm. Very true.”

Clever hands slipped into the back pockets of Maya’s jeans and squeezed. Maya leaned in for a kiss, but before her lips so much as brushed against Carina’s, they heard a knock on the front door.

Carina sighed, but smiled. Maya didn’t feel quite so cheery.

“I’ll get the door,” Carina said, giving Maya’s ass one last smack.

“And I’ll get the star of the show.”

~*~

Of all the experiences Maya expected to have in life, introducing her child to her mother was not one of them.

As Maya reached into Jamie’s crib, she found herself unsure how to feel. Unlike some people, she’d never dreamed of seeing her parents as grandparents, of giving them grandchildren. Her family wasn’t like that. Maya and her mother didn’t muse about the future, they didn’t talk about some hypothetical husband or hypothetical children. Lane barely seemed aware that Maya existed beyond her athletic career. When she’d decided to become a firefighter, he’d spoken of her future in terms of promotion.

Youngest captain.

Battalion Chief.

But mom? Never mom. Even though it was the greatest promotion of Maya’s life.

Jamie looked very cozy in her jammies so Maya decided not to change her. Besides, she quite liked the little t-rex on the front of Jamie’s onesie, green against a light purple backdrop.

“This could get weird,” Maya said, running her fingers through Jamie’s messy brown hair.

With a deep breath, Maya picked her up, adjusted Jamie against her chest, and then stepped out of the nursery, bracing for whatever was to come next.

The first thing Maya noticed about her mother was that Katherine’s hair was no longer grey. She’d dyed it, blonde, her original colour and it made her look ten years younger. It made her look the ways she’d looked when Maya was a kid. She was also wearing makeup, something Lane never allowed. Unlike the mousy woman who’d had to sneak away to attend her own daughter’s wedding, Katherine appeared healthy and happy and unburdened.

Carina was just in the process of showing Katherine to the couch when Maya made her presence known. She stood, Jamie in her arms, unsure quite what to say. But as soon as Katherine caught sight of her, her eyes filled with happy tears and she pressed one hand to her mouth.

“Hi mom,” Maya said, uncomfortable with her mother’s display of emotion, though she knew it was an old feeling, a feeling enforced by someone no longer welcome in her life.

“Hi sweetheart,” Katherine said, her smile watery. She also seemed unsure how best to proceed, standing next to the couch, tears streaming down her face.

Carina looked from one Bishop to the other in clear exasperation before shaking her head.

“Katherine, would you like to hold your granddaughter?” She asked, holding out her hands for Jamie.

“Yes…I…is that okay?”

Katherine’s eyes remained on Maya. She was waiting for permission. The thought made Maya feel guilty.

“Of course, mom,” Maya said, “do you want to sit down or…”

Maya passed Jamie to Carina and then joined her mother on the couch, wishing things didn’t have to feel so awkward. She wanted this moment to be warm and special, but the Bishops weren’t exactly warm and special people.

Thankfully, there was a DeLuca in the mix. And DeLucas were especially warm and special.

“Jamie, questa è tua nonna,” Carina whispered against Jamie’s temple before lowering her into Katherine’s waiting arms.

They all held their breaths, waiting to see if Jamie would settle, and as if sensing the attention, Jamie yawned and curled into Katherine’s chest.

“She’s beautiful,” Katherine said, reverent, stroking one finger down Jamie’s cheek.

“Yeah, we think so,” Maya smiled, pleased when Carina settled on the armrest next to her.

Katherine’s tears continued, though the smile on her face let Maya know they were happy tears.

Still, Maya set a hand on her mom’s shoulder, worried. “Mom are you okay?”

“Sorry,” Katherine said with a laugh, “I just never thought this would happen.”

“You mean grandchildren?” Maya asked.

Katherine shrugged a little, turning to look at Maya.

“You never really talked about wanting a family and then…well, with your father, I…I wasn’t sure if you’d want me involved.”

The guilt came back twofold. Maya winced, lowering her head.

“I do, mom. We do.”

Maya felt Carina’s hand on the back of her neck, a reassuring warmth that helped her focus.

“I don’t see your father anymore,” Katherine said, “I haven’t in nearly a year. I just want you to know that Jamie is safe with me…”

“I know, mom. We…I want you to know her. I want her to know you and spend time with you,” Maya said, wishing she didn’t feel so stilted.

Katherine sniffled loudly again.

“What would you like her to call you?” Carina asked, a welcome reprieve from the heaviness of the conversation.

“Oh…uh…I don’t know? Maya and Mason called my mother gran, so I guess that’s what I’ll be too. Yes, that would be quite nice now that I think about it.”

“Gran,” Maya tried out the word, a word she’d never associated with her mother. But it worked.

Gran

Jamie mewled a little, kicking out her legs, which made the adults in the room laugh.

“Are you saying hi to gran?” Maya reached for one of Jamie’s feet and gave it a little wiggle. She could feel Katherine watching her and moved her hand away, self-conscious.

Carina shifted, sliding her hand to Maya’s shoulder. “Jamie follows Maya’s voice. She’s always looking for her.”

“My baby is a mom,” Katherine laughed, shaking her head.

“Not what you expected, I’m sure.” Maya tried to keep her voice light, but failed, doubt creeping in. She’d never been a warm person, she’d never been someone who wanted hugs or cuddles. Maya was sure her mother didn’t expect her to have enough empathy to be a good parent. Let alone enough love…

“I’m not surprised, at all,” Katherine said.

She passed Jamie to Maya, watching carefully as Maya took Jamie in her hands and then cradled her in one arm. Jamie immediately curled her fist in Maya’s shirt, something she did almost every time Maya held her. Carina insisted it was because Jamie knew that Maya was the one who rescued her, that she recognized Maya’s scent and it made her feel safe.

Maya wasn’t quite as sure, but she cherished each little tug. It felt like Jamie’s way of talking to her, of keeping her close. Jamie wanted her close.

She brushed her nose against the top of Jamie’s head, unsure what to make of Katherine’s statement.

“Maya is a wonderful mother,” Carina said, once more breaking the tension as she stroked her fingers through Maya’s hair.

Maya blushed. “Okay, enough with all that…”

“Again, not surprised. She was always so sweet with Mason when he was a baby. Wanted to hold him and feed him,” Katherine smiled at the memory.

“I don’t remember that,” Maya said softly, deciding not to discuss what she did remember.

“You were barely three years old, dear. But such a serious little thing. You’d watch everything with those big blue eyes, even when you were barely a week old, you’d watch. And then with Mason – I could barely keep you away from him to let him sleep.”

“Tell me everything about baby Maya and also send me pictures later especially if they are baby Maya in the bathtub pictures,” Carina said, which made Maya groan and Katherine laugh in delight.

“She never sat still. Ever. Those little legs…” Katherine shook her head, “you’d crawl so fast. Your poor little knees were always bruised by the end of the day. And then you never really learned to walk…you learned to run.”

There was a Lane-shaped elephant in the room. Every memory came with a question: where was Lane?

Where was Lane when Maya insisted on helping with her baby brother?

Where was Lane when Maya bruised her knees?

Where was Lane when Maya stood up and instead of hobbling on her tiny legs, she ran around the coffee table over and over until Katherine stopped her…

“When did she get her first clipboard?” Carina asked, which made Maya turn and lightly smack the side of her leg.

“Hey!”

Katherine pressed her hand to her mouth, trying to stifle a giggle.

“Three,” she said, “there were lots of stickers involved.”

“Colour coded,” Maya insisted, as if a three-year-old owning a colour-coded clipboard was nothing out of the ordinary.

Carina and Katherine could no longer keep quiet, and they both laughed, startling Jamie with the noise. She turned her face, staring up at Carina, and then tried to turn again to see Katherine.

“Everyone is ganging up on me, Jamie,” Maya said, smiling when Jamie waved her little fist in the air.

She let the laughter wash over her, trying to pretend she didn’t find it beautiful. Trying to pretend that she wasn’t secretly emotional because her wife and her mother were sharing embarrassing childhood stories while she held her daughter.

Instead, Maya kissed Jamie’s forehead and leaned back into Carina’s body and watched the laugh lines around her mother’s mouth and eyes.

She wondered if she’d get them too.

She hoped she would.

~*~

 Katherine stayed most of the afternoon and to Maya’s surprise, it was lovely.

Her mother shared stories with Carina, eager to talk about her children as if she’d never had the chance before. Maya didn’t remember her mother ever having friends to the house and she wondered if maybe Katherine had never been given the opportunity to share her memories or her parenting advice. To spend time with other mothers in comradery. Treated like an equal.

Treated like someone worth listening to.

Not that Maya thought of her mother as a bastion of parental skill, though she had to admit that Katherine was a natural when it came to Jamie. She held her and fed her and changed her diaper. She put her down for her nap and told Carina about the best way to enforce sleep training.

And above all, she looked at Jamie with so much love that Maya could feel it across the room.

She knew her mother loved her. And Mason. She had always known. But Katherine’s passivity had caused Maya so much heartache. She’d needed a defender, someone to stand up to Lane on her behalf, and while she understood why Katherine couldn’t be that person, Maya wasn’t sure she’d ever quite get over the feeling of wanting her mother to be that person.

Without Katherine, Maya didn’t have anyone else to shape her but Lane. He had turned her cold and cruel, especially after Hima.

At the time, Maya wondered what it would have been like to have a relationship with her mother like the other girls in her class had with their mothers. She had wondered what it would be like to share her feelings with Katherine, to go shopping – and not just for items Lane pre-approved. She’d wondered what it would be like to tell her mother that she liked girls too, that she was scared and it made her feel different and lonely and paranoid.

As she cleaned up the kitchen, Maya stewed over the warring parts of herself that she could not seem to reconcile.

The part that would forever blame Katherine for letting Lane abuse her, even though she logically understood that Katherine was just as much a victim as she was, maybe even more.

And the part that loved her mother and craved her warmth. The part of her that was still thirteen and running home in the rain with a bleeding knee and an aching heart.

It was impossible to imagine any scenario where Maya would let Jamie come to harm. Where she’d leave her alone with someone cruel or someone who mistreated her. And it was equally impossible for Maya to imagine what it would feel like to fear a spouse, to cower from the person who shared your life, who shared your children and your bed.

Maya closed the light and decided to put away her thoughts for the night. She was tired and feeling too many feelings and she also knew that Carina had been up the night before with Jamie. They both needed sleep.

During her first month at home, Jamie had seemed so small and so fragile that they’d wanted her close by. Now that she was stronger, it was time to transition her to the nursery and while she’d cried the first night, it seemed that she was getting used to her new surroundings.

Maya popped her head in, expecting to find Carina in the rocking chair with Jamie in her arms. Instead, Carina stood over the crib, arms folded, and she seemed to be watching Jamie in silence. The hard frown on her face gave Maya pause and she approached, settling her hand on Carina’s lower back.

“Everything okay?” Maya asked, taking a quick glance at Jamie who was fast asleep in her dino onesie.

“She won’t have a nonna,” Carina said, the sorrow in her voice enough to shatter Maya’s heart.

There was no healing this wound, so Maya just stood quietly next to Carina, rubbing her back, hoping to at least provide comfort.

Maya watched her wife’s face, she took note of the sharp cheekbones, the slightly gaunt look that appeared when Carina was upset. She also watched as Carina stayed quiet, as she internalized whatever it was that she was working through because while Carina was especially good at articulating her feelings, the deep stuff? The dark stuff?

She kept it away from Maya, no matter how many times Maya asked her not to.

“Tired?” Maya plucked at the back of Carina’s sweater, hoping to, at the very least, encourage her to get some sleep.

Carina nodded and then pressed two fingers to her lips before reaching out to touch Jamie’s forehead.

“Ti voglio bene, cucciola,” she said, which made Maya smile. She knew that Italians had an endless stream of endearments for children, but hearing Carina refer to Jamie as a puppy was ridiculously adorable.

Then again, she’d also heard Carina refer to Jamie as a potato and a meatball, so she couldn’t say she entirely understood what constituted an appropriate nickname in Italian or not. Carina still looked gloomy as she turned with the baby monitor in hand, so Maya decided not to ask for an Italian lesson and instead followed Carina into their bedroom.

They readied for bed in silence, though Maya stole glances at Carina as she brushed her teeth and as she changed into pyjamas. It was only after they’d both crawled under the covers that Carina seemed to emerge from her fog.

“Your mother looks so happy,” she said, genuinely pleased.

“She does, doesn’t she? I haven’t seen her with makeup…maybe ever.”

“Perchè no?”

“My dad didn’t allow it. He said it was a frivolous expense,” Maya sighed, “I remember her asking once or twice and he’d always say who are you trying to impress, Katherine?”

“Stronzo.”

Carina’s hand snuck under the hem of Maya’s t-shirt, tickling patterns over her sides.

“Do you want to talk about your mom?” Maya stroked her fingers up Carina’s arm, unsure if Carina brought up Katherine to deflect from her own feelings.

The fingers beneath her shirt stopped moving and instead slipped up, across her back.

“Her hair was just starting to turn grey when she died, but only here,” Carina said, removing her hand from Maya’s shirt to tap her own temple.

Maya had never seen pictures of Lucia DeLuca in her youth. She knew Carina favoured her – they had the same nose and chin. Carina’s height came from her father’s side of the family and her eyes were all from her nonna. But that glorious, thick hair…

“She’d be so proud of you,” was all Maya could think to say because it was true. She couldn’t see how any parent wouldn’t be overwhelmed with pride to call Carina their daughter.

Then again, Vincenzo was less than complimentary, which made Maya want to shake him.

The distant, gaunt look returned to Carina’s face, and she shifted in discomfort.

“Maybe. She didn’t always approve of my…lifestyle,” Carina said, her hand returning to Maya’s shirt, playing with her collar.

“Your lifestyle? Like the gay thing?”

Maya belatedly realized that she didn’t know Carina’s preferred label or if she even had one. Carina’s type seemed to be people regardless of gender or identity.

“She wasn’t homophobic or anything like that, but I think she wanted me to settle down. With a man. Give her nipoti. She lived so far away that I never really had the chance to introduce her to girlfriends or boyfriends, but every phone call hai già trovato un marito? Her friends in Italy were always trying to set me up with their sons or cousins…I think she was pulling ropes…”

“Pulling strings?” Maya asked, biting her lip as Carina rolled her eyes.

“Sì, strings.”

“Any of the sons keepers?”

Carina laughed at the memory. “Obviously not. Not even the twins. That was a very confusing week in my life.”

“Twins? Were their names Mario and Luigi?”

“Maya!” Carina pinched Maya’s hip, though her laughter continued. The sound made Maya smile even wider. She hated to see the far away sadness in her wife’s eyes.

“Did you come out to your parents? My mom must have figured it out way before I realized she did because she didn’t seem overly surprised the first time she met you, even though she thought you were one of my firefighters,” Maya said, trying not to dwell on the memory.

Katherine’s first meeting with Carina had set off a chain reaction that led to Maya making the biggest mistake of her life. The less she thought about it the better.

“I never came out. It was pretty obvious after I brought my third-grade teacher a rose and asked her out to dinner. Ah, Signora Messina…”

“Wait…you asked your teacher on a date?” Maya raised herself on one elbow, amused by the dreamy look in Carina’s eyes.

“I did. Mama was not pleased.”

“But you must have been so cute!”

“All arms and legs. Mama said like giraffe,” Carina raised her arm as if to demonstrate.

“I like your arms and legs. And all your other body parts too.”

Carina raised her eyebrow, coy. “Well then it’s good Signora Messina said no because I was very ready to marry her and then you would not have access to my arms and legs and other body parts.”

“I would fight her for you.”

“Hmmm…” Carina’s eyes drifted to Maya’s biceps and she curled her hand around one, squeezing.

“Come on, what does she have that I don’t?” Maya playfully rolled Carina onto her back and pinned her to the mattress.

“Well, she read to me…”

“I read to you,” Maya said, kissing Carina’s cheek.

“And she made me snacks…”

Maya leaned over and playfully kissed Carina’s other cheek.

“I make you snacks,” she laughed.

“And she sang to me…”

“I sing to you all the time.”

“No! Non vero!”

Maya pushed herself up just enough to hover over Carina’s body. She narrowed her eyes, taking in Carina’s teasing grin, searching for any last vestiges of sadness. There were none. As always, Carina found the good. She found the light.

“The night we met I knew I needed you so,” Maya began to sing, trying not to laugh, as she did.

Carina took Maya’s hips and pulled her closer until Maya was practically lying on top of her.

“And if I had the chance I’d never let you go…”

The smile on Carina’s face changed into something softer, something that told Maya all thoughts of Signora Messina were likely fading.

“So won’t you say you love me…”

Maya kissed Carina’s lightly, pulling away before Carina could kiss her back.

“I’ll make you so proud of me…”

“Bambina…”

“We’ll make ‘em turn their heads every place we go…”

Carina’s lips silenced Maya’s attempt to sing the chorus. Her mouth was warm, needy, and Maya smiled into the kiss, moaning softly as Carina’s tongue slipped against her own.

“I know what you’re doing,” Carina said, bringing both hands to Maya’s face.

“Oh?”

“And it is working.

Maya stared down, relieved to see Carina so relaxed, so happy again.

“I hate when you’re sad,” she said, “I’ll do anything to fix it. Sing to you, or fight your age-inappropriate Italian crush, or buy you as many little gold rings as you want…”

Carina raised one finger in warning, before breaking out into a smile again.

“It would have never worked out with Signora Messina,” she sighed, fisting her hands into the front of Maya’s shirt.

“Oh?”

“She didn’t have these blue eyes,” Carina said.

“Ah, yeah, I can see how that would be a problem.”

“And she didn’t have this smile.” Carina slid her thumb beneath Maya’s bottom lip.

Maya settled more heavily on top of Carina, molding their bodies together. She could feel Carina’s legs tangled with hers, those long legs that made her graceful and tall.

“We’re going to tell Jamie all about her nonna,” Maya whispered, “and we’re going to tell her about your nonna too. And Andrew. She’s going to know them, Carina.”

 Silence followed Maya’s statement and at first Maya was worried that she’d upset Carina. But while there were tears brimming in Carina’s eyes and her chin wobbled slightly, the expression on her face was pure happiness.

“Tu sei l’amore della mia vita.” Carina kept her hold on Maya’s face, her fingers moving along Maya’s cheekbones, stroking gently.

The love of my life…

Maya had never loved before Carina. She’d never wanted to love, nor had she expected wanting anyone to love her back. Love was messy and painful and attachments just led to vulnerability and vulnerability was weakness. Vulnerability was a sprained ankle or a torn Achille’s tendon.

And then Carina showed her that love was indeed messy and painful and attachments really did lead to vulnerability. But love was also safety and passion and Maya felt herself enveloped in it whenever Carina looked at her.

Carina was quite literally the love of Maya’s life too.

“Ha! Take that, Signora Messina!” Maya said, pumping her fist though she gazed at Carina with soft eyes. With gentle eyes.

Carina just laughed and shook her head and pulled Maya down into a bruising kiss that erased any thoughts of Italian grade schoolteachers or lost family or pain.