35. Chapter Thirty-Five

“Papa?” Nicole stopped next to the table her Grandpa sat at, setting the beers down but not making any move to sit in the chair across from him.

Her grandpa looked up from the newspaper his was reading and grinned at her before standing. “Nicky.”

He grasped both of her shoulders with strong calloused hands that used to dry her tears when she was a child and looked her up and down, his gaze lingering on the bandage on her forehead and her splint.

Nicole stood tall with her shoulders back and her head held high as his eyes continued to take in her uniform. They had done the same thing the last day she wore her basketball jersey for a game, they had done it the day she graduated high school and then again the day she graduated from the academy.

It was his way of committing the moment to his memory, his way of seeing how much she grown over the years.

“The uniform looks good on you Officer Haught.” He gave her a watery smile.

The pride in his tone and in his deep brown eyes had tears welling in her own eyes. She spent her whole life trying to make him proud, trying to be the person he believed she could be and knowing that she had, that she was, it was almost overwhelming.

He took the stetson off her head and placed it on the table beside his own before pulling her into a tight hug. “God, I’ve missed you kiddo.”

She fisted the back of his flannel shirt and clung to him, burying her face in his neck and breathing in the familiar scent of leather and Old Spice aftershave. She hadn’t realized until that moment how much she missed her Grandpa.

“I missed you too Papa,” she mumbled into his neck. Her body sagged against his, leaning all her weight on him as tears spilled down her cheeks and soaked into the collar of his shirt.

She wasn't really sure why she was crying. Maybe everything in the past two days had finally caught up with her. Maybe it was because with her grandpa holding her, it was safe to break down. He would protect her, keep her safe like he's done her whole life.

“Whatever it is kiddo,” He tightened his hold on her, hands rubbing up and down her back in a way that he’d done a thousand times and never failed to slow Nicole’s tears and even out her erratic breathing. “We’ll figure it out, we’ll talk it out like always, it’s gonna be okay.”

Nicole nodded her head but didn’t move from his embrace. She just needed a moment, needed a second to collect herself, needed a minute to be ready to face the eyes she felt staring hard into her back. She just needed a moment before she could stand tall, with her head held high and Haught confidence in place like the last piece of armour fitting into place over a conflicted, torn and tattered heart.

“I’m sorry,” she said into his neck, uncertain if he could make out the muffled words or not.

“You’re only human Nicky,” he repeated the words he has said to her a thousand times. “You don’t have to be strong all the time, a good cry never hurt anyone.”

A lifetime ago Joseph Haught had absolutely no idea how to raise a girl, having only had three boys of his own. He stumbled and fumbled his way through at first, always looking to his wife to make sure he wasn’t too hard on Nicole, wasn’t insensitive, wasn’t treating her too much like a boy, too much like a girl.

He struggled for a long time, always worried he’d screw up, do more harm than good, worried he’d damage Nicole more than his son already had.

It took a while but he finally found his footing with the help of his wife and Nicole. Nicole was a kid but she was always there to reassure him that he was going a good job, that his best was good enough for her.

When she pulled away from him, rough, calloused thumbs, like sandpaper dragged across her cheekbones wiping away the evidence of her tears.

Joseph pulled a chair out for her and motioned for her to sit as he took a seat as well.

“Here,” he passed her one of the beers and waited for her to down half of it before he spoke again. “What’s eating away at you, Nicky?”

Nicole stared down at the bottle in her hand, peeling the label away in small strips and dropping on the table. She didn’t know where to start or even what to say. She couldn’t tell him everything, couldn’t utter a word about the Earp curse or demons without Marshal Dolls trying them both with treason.

“I shot someone on the job last night,” she finally said, eyes still trained on her beer bottle, unwilling to look him in the eyes, afraid of what she might find there.

“Did they make it through?” He asked, voice even and calm as if they were talking about something as simple as weather.

She shook her head no, downing the rest of her beer in one go and reaching for his but he stopped her by placing his hand over hers.

“Was your life in danger?”

She nodded her head yes, still looking anywhere but at him. If she saw disappointment in his eyes, in the eyes of her hero, she’d never recover for it.

“Were other lives in danger?”

Again, she nodded her head yes but this time he hooked his fingers under her chin and lift until their eyes met. Nicole inhaled sharply, expecting to see disappointment, disgust, anything but the concern and acceptance on his features.  

“Did you have any other option?” He asked, leaning back in the wooden chair and picking up his own beer, bringing it to his thin lips and taking a swig, watching her over the bottle.

“No but it was easy Papa,” she said quietly, reminding him every bit of the little girl she used to be. “It was easy to pull that trigger, to shoot him.”

“Did you go there with any intentions to shoot him? To kill him?”

“God, No!” Nicole practically yelled, looking down at her hands when the people around them stopped what they were doing to stare at them.

“Why did you pull the trigger, Nicky?”

She felt like she was being interrogated, like she was under a microscope but she knew this tactic of his, he used it a lot when she was growing up. He was making her face truths she already knew, making her say them out loud, making her believe what she already knew to be true.

He never told her what was right or wrong, never told her what she should believe or not, never told her if her actions were right or wrong. He only helped her come to the conclusion on her own by having her talk through them.

“He was gonna go after his wife then Waverly,” she mumbled, index fingers drumming against the tabletop.

“So you shot him not because you wanted to but to protect his wife and Waverly?”

“I did it to protect them,” she answered, grasping his beer and taking a sip.

“Does that make you a bad person?”

“I don’t know.”

That was one thing Nicole was struggling with, whether or not she was a bad person for shooting David or if she was just an officer of the law doing her job.

Of course she knew that she had been doing her job but, she couldn’t help asking herself that if David hadn’t threatened Waverly, would she still have put two in his chest?

“Nicky, it might have been easy for you to pull that trigger but, the fact that it’s weighing so heavy on you now, the fact that it’s eating away at you proves that you’re not a bad person, that you did what was necessary not because you wanted to but, to protect those you care about.”  

Nicole nodded, feeling just the tiniest bit better after talking with her Grandpa about this, after hearing from him that she wasn’t a bad person.

She was glad he was here. She needed this, needed him more than she realized.

“But Nicky,” he got her attention, taking one of her hands in his larger ones. “The day this job doesn’t weigh heavy on your heart, the day you finish your shift and stop feeling like you didn’t do enough, you turn in your badge and gun, when you stop caring you walk away.”

“Yes, Sir.”

Two cold beers were sat down on the table in between them and they both looked up at Waverly, who wore a fake smile.

Nicole’s heart seized in her chest, knowing that she was the reason for Waverly’s fake smile and the distant look in those hazel eyes.

“Thank you, sweetheart,” Joseph smiled at her, just the hint of his dimples making appearance. “Would you join us for dinner tonight?”

“Oh, um,” Waverly fidgeted with one of the empty beer bottles, chancing a glance in Nicole’s direction before turning her attention back to Joseph. “I wouldn’t want to intrude.”

She sounded almost as surprised as she looked as if because they had a disagreement, or argument or whatever the hell that was earlier that Nicole wouldn’t want her around.

Guilt and shame washed over Nicole for causing Waverly to think that she was unwelcomed, that Nicole didn’t want her around, didn’t want her spending time with Nicole’s family.

Nicole reached for the hand hanging limp at Waverly’s side, tangling their fingers together and gaining Waverly’s attention.

“Join us please?” Nicole asked, giving Waverly her best pout, looking up at her through thick lashes. “Few things are more entertaining than three Haughts buzzed and playing board games.”  

“What time?” Waverly questioned, squeezing Nicole’s fingers as both women turned to look at Joseph.

“7:30 but feel free to stop by anytime,” he answered, his gaze flicking down to their joined fingers, a smirk working it’s way onto his lips. “I assume you know where Nicky lives.”

His tone was teasing, his brown eyes danced with mischief as he watched Waverly’s cheeks heat up before his eyes moved to his granddaughter. Nicole gazed at Waverly with a look akin to a lovesick puppy.

He had never seen her look so damn in love, never seen her look at someone as if they were the answer to her prayers. He had never seen her look at someone as if they were the most precious thing in the world.

Nicole had loved her high school sweetheart, had been in love with her but, she had never once looked at Jennifer the way she looked at Waverly Earp.

Waverly wasn’t so obvious with her feelings for Nicole. She kept them guarded, close to her chest but, Joseph could see the way Waverly’s eyes lit up when she looked at his granddaughter.

He just hoped that this time the woman Nicky loved wouldn’t break her. He wasn’t sure she’d survive it a second time.

“Do I need to bring anything?” Waverly asked gathering up the two empty beer bottles.

“Nope, Nicky and I will take care of everything.”

“Okay, well just let me know if you change your mind and want me to bring anything,” Waverly said, pointing her thumb over her shoulder towards the bar. “I gotta get back to work but I’ll see you later.”

With that Waverly turned on her heels and walked back towards the bar, hips swaying as Nicole watched her go, eyes on her demi clad ass.

Joseph cleared his throat and Nicole turned to him with a sheepish grin, cheeks and the tips of her ears turning a bright shade of red.

“You were selfish Nicky,” he said, referring to their phone conversation a while back where he told her to be selfish, told her to go after what she wanted, who she wanted. “You put your heart on the line and got the girl.”

Nicole shook her head, her sheepish grin turning into a full blown dimpled smile as she leaned towards him, speaking quietly so only he could hear. “I wasn’t selfish, I was too scared but Waves, she was brazen, she kissed me first, she confessed her feelings first, she said I love you first, I’ve just been following her lead.”

Joseph smiled brightly at her, patting her cheek affectionately. “Happiness looks good on you, Kiddo.”

Waverly stood outside Nicole’s apartment, bottle of wine in hand and even through the thick wood door, she could hear sounds of laughter floating throughout the apartment.

She could just make out the sound of Nicole’s lighthearted laughter and she couldn’t help but to smile. She had been sure it would be a while before she heard the beautiful sound of Nicole’s laugh again.

Usually, she would just walk into Nicole’s apartment, she had a key and Nicole had told her on more than one occasion that she was welcome to come and go as she pleased but, after this afternoon when Nicole shot down her wanting to go public with their relationship, she wasn’t sure if she was still welcomed to treat Nicole’s home as her own.

She was worried that Nicole’s reluctance to take their relationship public meant something had changed, that her feelings had changed. She was scared that Nicole didn’t really love her and only said it back to keep from hurting her.

Pushing the thoughts from her mind, Waverly smoothed the hand not holding a bottle of red wine down her deep, blue sundress then raised her hand to knocked on the apartment door.

“Oh wow,” Nicole said upon opening the door, eyes taking in every inch of Waverly. “You look amazing and I feel severely underdressed.”

Waverly eyes raked over Nicole, taking in her white t-shirt and grey sweatpants that hung low on her hips, down to her bare feet and chipped red nail polish. 

She always looked beautiful. Whether she was in uniform, dressed up or dressed for a lazy Saturday. Nicole always looked beautiful to Waverly but, Waverly liked it best when she was in sweatpants, her hair in a messy bun with hairs sticking out all over the place and completely relaxed.

Waverly placed her hand against Nicole's cheek, thumb brushing along the scar there. “You look perfect.”

Nicole smiled, turning her face to the side and pressing a kiss to Waverly's palm. She reached forward with her splinted hand, grasping Waverly's hip with her fingers and pulling Waverly into her.

“I missed you,” Nicole mumbled into Waverly’s hair, backing them up enough to shut the door.

“We just saw each other a few hours ago.”

Waverly laid her head against Nicole’s chest, listening to the steady beat of Nicole’s heart.

The steady beating was comforting, a reminder that Nicole was here, that she was alive. It eased the tight coil of fear and worry that had settled in her chest since she heard Nicole call for backup over the radio.

She knew that Nicole was okay, physically at least but, whenever Nicole wasn't in sight, she worried that Nicole wasn't okay, wasn't safe.

It was a problem, one she should probably talk to Nicole or someone about but she didn't know how to broach the subject, didn't know how to put what she was feeling into words.

How did she explain that her heart felt like it stop beating whenever Nicole wasn’t in sight? How did she explain that her gut twisted with fear and the air was sucked out of her lungs every time her phone rang, every time someone said Nicole’s name because she sure they were going to tell her Nicole had been hurt, that a revenant had gotten to her again.

“I still missed you,” Nicole said softly, her arms tightening around Waverly. “Every second we're apart I miss you, I want to spend every second of every day with you, doing nothing more than occupying the same space, it’s needy and clingy but it’s true.”

Nicole kissed the top of her head before continuing.

“I’ve always needed my own space, time to myself away from whoever I was dating  but, I don’t need that with you, when we’re apart it feels like a piece of me is missing.”

“If you feel that way then how come you didn’t want to go public?” Waverly asked, stepping out of Nicole’s embrace to be able to look at her. “How come you didn’t want people to know we’re together?”

She couldn't keep the hurt out of her voice and it had Nicole's eyebrows knitting together and reaching for her, taking one of her hands in both of hers.

“It's not that I don't want people to know about us, God, Waverly, I want the whole world to know that I love you and by some miracle you love me too.”

“But?” Waverly interrupted because she knew there was a but coming. There was always a but in a confession like that.

“But I’m worried you’re rushing into this for all the wrong reasons, I’m worried you’re doing this because of what happened to me and that you’re letting fear control your decisions, your actions, I’m worried you’re going to come out before you are truly ready.”

“But I’m not.”

It was a lie because she was partially motivated by her fear, by what happened to Nicole but, she didn’t see how that was a bad thing. She wanted people to know she was happy and that Nicole was the reason she was happy.

“Nicky!” Joseph called from farther in the apartment. “Set the table.”

“Just a second,” Nicole called back before turning back to Waverly. “I’m not saying don’t come out, I’m just asking you to make sure it’s what you really want and if it is, tell the people you care about first, tell Wynonna and Gus, Chrissy even, tell the people who matter before you tell all of Shorty’s and it spreads like wildfire.”

Maybe Nicole was right. Maybe she shouldn’t rush into anything. Maybe she should tell Gus and Wynonna, rather than them hearing it from someone else.

“Okay,” Waverly agreed, giving Nicole a small smile.

“I love you Waverly and I just don’t want you to regret this, regret us,” Nicole admitted, voice low and shaky as she dropped Waverly’s hand and looked down at her feet.

Waverly knew that tone of voice. It was insecurity and fear. It was a stark contrast to the confidence, bordering on arrogant Nicole usually spoke with. Maybe that was why it was so easy for Waverly to pick up on it.

No matter the reason, Waverly didn't like it. She hated the tremble in Nicole's voice, hated the way Nicole couldn't look at her. She hated that Nicole could ever think that she would regret her, regret them.

Waverly placed her hand against Nicole’s cheek and coaxed her to look up at her. “I could never regret you or us, no decision I make, no action I take could ever make me regret the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

“Nicole Haught!” Joseph yelled again and this time Nicole sighed, kissing her on the forehead and intertwining their fingers.

“Come on,” Nicole said softly, leading them down the short hallway towards the kitchen. “Before he results to middle names.”

“So what are we having?” Waverly asked as they entered the kitchen, giving Joseph, Trent, and Chrissy her signature smile and wave, only this time the smile was genuine. “Hey.”

“Glad you could make it, sweetheart,” Joseph smiled at her, pulling the chair across from Chrissy out for her. “And we’re having grilled cheese and homemade tomato soup.”

“It's comfort food,” Trent said, taking the bottle of wine from Waverly and moving to dig in the drawer by the fridge for a corkscrew. “Grandma used to make it after every hard case Papa worked.”

“Something simple and familiar can go a long way to help heal you,” Joseph said, sitting a plate piled high with grilled cheese in the center of the table while Nicole grabbed red mugs down from the cabinet to the left of the sink. Mugs that Waverly always thought of more as bowls than anything else.

“Wine or beer Waverly?” Trent asked as he poured a glass of wine for Chrissy.

“Wine is fine.”

“It’s a good thing you brought this,” he said, pouring her a glass as well. “Or else Chrissy would have had to slum it and drink beer like the rest of us.”

“Hey,” Chrissy exclaimed, slapping his arm lightly when he sat the glasses of wine down in front of them. “I like beer, I just prefer wine.”

Trent made his way to the fridge next, pulling three beers out as Nicole set spoons and plates around the table. Joseph moved along behind her, ladling soup into each of the mugs.

They worked together like a well oiled machine, as if they had done this a thousand times before and had gotten it down to a science. And Waverly supposed they had.

They had probably spent countless nights over the years doing this exact thing.

Usually Waverly would be jealous, would be heartbroken that her family had never been like this and would probably never be this way, even with Wynonna back in town and staying for as long as it took to break the curse.

Wanting her family to be like more like other families was nothing new to Waverly. She had been dreaming, wishing her family had been more, been better, happier, more loving for as long as she could remember.

She had never wished to be apart of another family though. She always wanted her family. She wanted Momma, Daddy, Willa, and Wynonna, not to be perfect just to be better.

But, this time more than anything Waverly wished to be apart of another family, Nicole’s family. She wished for a countless number of nights with Nicole's family doing just this and finding herself among them, working alongside them to serve up a homemade meal.

When everyone was seated and the grilled cheeses had been passed out, conversation flowed easily between the five of them. Joseph took the time to get to know both Waverly and Chrissy, asking about their jobs, whether or not they went to college, how they met Nicole and Trent.

Everything was going fine, they were laughing, joking around. Joseph was telling embarrassing stories from Nicole’s and Trent’s childhoods but then the conversation turned to Waverly’s family and that good feeling that Waverly had was gone.

“So, Waverly, what do your parents do? Do they live here in Purgatory?” Joseph asked as he got up from the table to fetch him and Trent another beer.

Waverly looked down at her plate, picking at what little was left of her grilled cheese. She didn’t want to answer the question, she didn’t really know how.

Everyone in Purgatory knew that Wynonna had shot their father, knew that her mother had left without so much as a word when she was four. Nicole had been one of the only people she had to explain her family to and she had only been able to do that because she trusted Nicole completely, felt safe with her.

“My parents aren’t around anymore,” Waverly said simply as Nicole’s hand slid into hers, her splint scraping against Waverly’s palm.

Waverly hoped that he didn’t ask what she meant by that.

“Talk around town is that your sister shot your father,” Trent said, taking a sip of his beer and promptly choking on it when the sound of a foot colliding with a shin rang out.

Nicole glared at her brother as her hand tightened around Waverly’s and Joseph stared at Waverly with wide brown eyes.

Waverly grabbed her wine glass and downed the rest of the nearly full glass, avoiding eye contact. She should have known that Trent would have heard all about her family from the people around town. She just didn’t expect him to just blurt it out like that, she should have though.

Trent didn’t have the same filter that his sister did. He more often than not said exactly what was on his mind. Waverly found it refreshing, it reminded her a lot of Wynonna but in this instance she wished he thought before he spoke, she wished he had half the tact Nicole did.

“She was trying to protect him,” Chrissy spoke up before anyone else had the chance and shooting a glare at Trent as well as all attention turned to her. “She was just a kid, trying to protect her family, it wasn’t her fault.”

Waverly had never been more thankful for Chrissy than in that moment. This wasn’t the first time Chrissy had come to her rescue but it was the first time Chrissy come to Wynonna’s defense.

“Your mother raised you then?” Joseph asked, ignoring the look Nicole was giving him, silently asking him to drop the subject.

“No, my mother left us when I was four,” Waverly said, giving Chrissy a thankful smile when she poured more wine in her glass. “My Aunt and Uncle raised me.”

“I’m sorry,” Joseph rubbed the back of his neck, looking apologetic. “I didn’t mean to bring up bad memories.”

“It’s okay, I’m so used to people already knowing everything about my family.”

“Well.” He rubbed his hands together, looking around the table at each of them. “Who's ready for board games?”