Step One

A/N: If it isn't obvious by how he pulls out the most obscure pieces of lore when he's thinking, the MC is absurdly knowledgeable about the Nasuverse as a whole.

-

Okay so apparently Shirou didn't appreciate my attempt at taking over his storehouse and stuck me in one of the guest rooms in the attached building instead... I'll remember this forever.

How dare he be nice to me?

It's a simple room, mostly empty with a single window that peers out into the empty clearing in the yard. The floors are covered with these nice tatami mats that don't poke splinters into my ass each time I sit down and he brought me a futon, which I'm in right now... staring at the ceiling questioning life.

Shirou's a good person, I'll do something for him once I get past the handicaps that came with waking up as Shinji of all people.

Literally waking up as a no name magus would've been better considering it'd at least give me magic circuits to work with... Shinji didn't have any at all.

But, fuck you fate, I'll make you regret making me leaning into technology.

I have to deal with Zouken first though.

Sakura said she'd come by later today, so that's good... though I don't appreciate how she seemed so defeated when I asked.

Satisfied with the plans for today, I got up and stretched my arms.

What?

Even shotas need their morning stretch.

Especially after I kinda passed out yesterday after dinner.

This is not to say I like being one, being a kid sucks ass... but, there are certain advantages that come with being one.

I cracked my shoulders and walked to the door, pushing it aside to step out onto the yard... Shirou has a bigger home than the Matou, minus the sex dungeon of course.

Whistling in appreciation, I just sauntered over to the main building and walked in while yawning. It should be about time for breakfast, if it's not, I'll kick my host in the ass since I'm supposed to be a cunt anyway.

Unfortunately, I didn't get the opportunity to do that as a shota Shirou greeted me with a smile as soon as I walked in, "Oh hey, Shinji. I was just about to wake you up. Did you sleep well?"

"Bro... why are you wearing an apron?" I deadpanned at the yellow apron he was wearing over the generic Shirou outfit he had on yesterday, a black full-sleeved shirt with navy jeans.

...I think he just has like a dozen or so variants of the same thing.

"Well..." Shirou looked confused but held up a spatula, "I'm cooking?"

Dear Shirou, you should not be saying that like it's the obvious thing.

"Yeah but you're a guy?" I offered... politely.

Shirou just tilted his head, "I don't see the problem?"

Huh, was my grandpa wrong about aprons being for women?

Not Shinji's grandpa, mine.

Well, I guess it wouldn't be the first time.

He was also wrong about going up to a group of young black men and calling them that one word with the hard r.

Poor man got gangraped by the business end of nearly a dozen pistols.

Now that I think about it... I don't think he was a good role model for me.

"Huh..." With something to think about, I just settled into the wooden table lying in the middle of the living room while Shirou went back to his cooking in the attached kitchen.

Of course I banged my knee when I tried to sit.

"Grr..."

Why the fuck do they refuse to use chairs?

Why do I have to sit on the floor?

...I guess I'll change a few things about my living conditions after I take my inheritance.

Yeah, you heard me, I'm gonna be taking all the moneh the Matou have after I nuke Zouken and run away to like, Greece or something.

"Yo Shirou, we getting any vacations any time soon?"

I'd rather not give my family an excuse to come get me by missing school.

"Um, yeah. Winter vacations start next week."

Huh... well, that's not good.

That means the year's coming to an end... and also the time when Zouken implants Sakura with those bugs that make her super horny or something... and she's like ten or something so...

Man, this place is fucked up.

It also means Byakuya won't be around for much longer since I'm already twelve.

This gives me about 3... 4 years at best before the Holy Grail War starts and I get to deal with heroes of legend and an evil god... plus all sorts of weird shit to boot.

Now I would be worried if I didn't have my Master plan.

This is why you always need a plan gentlemen.

"Shinji, get ready for school. You can use one of my uniforms." Shirou spoke from the kitchen, peering over at me like he was my mom.

Well, he wasn't.

"No, I refuse to go to school."

"Yes, school is important. You're going."

"You're not my mom." I rested my head on my hand, leaning onto the table.

"If you don't go, you're not getting any food."

I looked at Shirou through wide eyes, "You wouldn't dare."

He might be a kid but Shirou's food is better than anything I've ever had.

Also, dear Shirou, you're supposed to be a selfless nut that gets off helping people.

Where did you learn to blackmail an innocent kid?

Please stop staring at me like that.

"I'll remember this."

I admitted defeat with a sigh.

"I hope so." Shirou smiled slightly.

-

Gentlemen, I reiterate, school is a prison.

Especially a generic japanese one you find in all romcoms.

"Shinji! For the last time! Stop drawing those obscene things on the board!"

The sleazy middle aged teacher with the balding head and the sleeveless shirt scolded me for the umpteenth time.

Sir, you should have learnt half an hour ago that it's futile.

"Sensei, don't you recognise this?" I pointed at the small dick I'd drawn on the board with chalk as my fellow students remained too stunned to even speak.

Yes, be in awe of the new and improved Shinji Matou.

Why does Shirou look like he knows what's coming?

Perhaps I'll let you talk to me afterwards.

"Why would I recognise that vulgar thing!?"

Sir, I'm sorry, but you asked for this.

Regret telling me to answer the question when I was dozing off!

You stereotypical bum!

"Sensei, it's the reason your wife left you."

I discreetly eyed the hallway outside as a vein popped out on my teacher's forehead.

Or rather, I discreetly eyed the professional looking lady in a suit that had just started walking down it. She had brown hair styled in a ponytail, was wearing a beige suit with a skirt and had glasses.

All the trademark signs of someone important!

"My dick isn't small!" The teacher shouted indignantly, fed up with my continuous slander of his good name.

However, he fell into my trap.

I flicked my nose to make tears appear in my eyes and with all the innocent appeal of a shota, ran to the important lady and hugged her by the waist.

No, my intentions were not impure because I'm a kid.

She looked at me in surprise before a look of concern formed on her stoic face.

Perfect.

"What's wrong?"

I turned around and grinned at the fearstruck teacher standing in the class doorway, before turning to look at her like I was about to cry, "I-I was drawing a tower on wheels because sensei asked me what I wanted to do b-b-bu-"

She grabbed my shoulders, kneeling on one knee to look into my eyes, "...Go on. You're alright, son."

"Sensei started shouting about his p-penis!"

The lady's face turned to stone as she gave me a small nod and stomped down to my classroom...

She didn't doubt me for a second cause I'm a kid, hehe.

Turning around, I flipped my teacher off with a massive grin.

It's good they don't have cameras in the hallways at this school.

If I have to attend school, there's going to be a hierarchy.

I'm not taking no shit from no students or teachers.

Let all know that Shinji Matou is not to be fucked with.

Shinji Matou is the one who knocks.

You do not fuck with a shota that knows he is one!

...Wait, considering how this country is about reputation... that man might just commit suicide from the shame...

How sad.

Anyway, I need to find my adorable little sister.

-

I'd appreciate any comment or thoughts, it's what works like these thrive on.