Meaning

How long had it been? A week? Maybe a little more? Cathlinn rubbed at her shoulders a bit as Mei looked down the back of her shirt. It was dark out and while the sky was beautiful, there had been something almost ominous when Cathlinn would look up. "Mama did amazing on this one, I'm sad you can't see it," Mei sighed.

"It felt huge," Cathlinn sniffed. "I'll see it when we get to a mirror."

"You think the boys would have wanted one," Mei asked.

"Have you met those two," Cathlinn chuckled, "They'd have a heart attack watching me get one." Mei was quiet for a moment before she moved away, laying on the blankets they had set out for beds.

"We should be at the farthest point in another week or so. I'm surprised we made it so far without stopping too much," she hummed quietly. "You're camping bit was a good idea. It's saving so much time."

"I wanted to start visiting as soon as I could, that's all," Cathlinn settled onto her stomach, staring out the small flap of the tent to the outside world. The silence was thick for a moment, letting the two fester in some unforeseen tension.

"Cathlinn, why are you scared," Mei finally broke it, her question soft spoken and sounding almost desperate. "I can't wrap my head around it. You're talented and you catch on to fighting easily. You have me and Carmichael, Simon is helping you with your studies and you seem to understand that pretty well."

"I don't want to have this discussion," Cathlinn shifted onto her side, facing Mei who was staring. "This isn't something that's easy to understand and frankly, understanding it would be bull shit right now. So can you drop it?"

"I asked Carmichael and he said that you weren't really the princess," Mei turned her head away, staring at the ceiling. "He said you were someone less childish and innocent, someone he could rely on in a fight and it just doesn't make sense."

"Don't lose sleep over it," Cathlinn muttered, "There's no-"

"There is a point," Mei interjected. "You purposely stocked us up on liquor back in the last town. Only hurt old men do that sort of thing."

"Are you profiling me now," Cathlinn let out a humorless laugh. It only made Mei sit up with a frustrated look on her face and Cathlinn's forced smile fell. "Look, it doesn't matter. It matters that I'm here now and I'm trying my best. That's-"

"A load of shit. If you're not the princess than why are you picking up her slack," Mei was practically steaming as her face scrunched up. "Why do you have to learn how to be royalty when the real princess is off, probably prancing around with some lover she kept secret?" Cathlinn sat up slowly, rubbing her face. "Mama does tattoos based off of the person. I can tell more about you than you realize just by looking at it."

"Great, so now everything's out in the open," Cathlinn snorted. "Mei, I don't want to talk about it because it doesn't help anything going on. Do you know how old I am? You realize that the 'real' princess should have been married or married off by now? I'm borderline an old maid here."

"And it's bullshit because you have a heart of gold," she snapped. Cathlinn blinked and rubbed at her face, staring down at the grass that showed up between the blankets. "Excuse my language, Cathlinn, but gold is more malleable and fragile than it seems. You have to-"

"Mix it with a different metal alloy so that it can withstand pressure or weathering," Cathlinn sighed.

Mei frowned and shook her head, her arms flailing as she motioned at Cathlinn, "This is what I mean! You're smart in ways no one understands! You're strong physically. Beautiful; even with all the scars and markings. Yet you're broken up over- over what?"

"There's a lot, Mei," Cathlinn grumbled, "There's a lot and I don't have to unpack anything right now."

"Unpack it. I want to serve you," her finger touched Cathlinn's chest, a serious, cold look in Mei's eyes. "This you. Not some jovial princess who knows nothing about the real world. I want to serve the woman that wakes up in the middle of the night and stays quiet to make sure I'm sleeping fine. The woman that has morbid jokes and teaches life lessons while learning new things. You've proven worthy to follow, but how can anyone when you don't say anything remotely revealing about yourself?"

"I didn't ask you to follow me or serve me," Cathlinn snipped. Mei's lips formed a line as Cathlinn rubbed her face again. Her chest was getting tight and the space in the tent began to feel stuffy. "I teach life lessons while learning because that's reality. Some day someone will replace me, just like with everyone else, and they need to do better and be better.

"So I'll teach what I know. I'll make the morbid jokes because funny things come from morbid situations. I don't wake you up in the middle of the night because there's no point in doing so. I'm a morbid insomniac," Cathlinn crawled for the tent flap, rubbing her face as her chest squeezed. "And I can't put down what was left behind because people rely on it, they thrive on it. Someone has to carry the torch and I'm the one up to bat because some god thought it'd be funny to throw me into a fucking world I only dreamed about being a part of."

Cathlinn stopped half way through the door, the men outside suddenly staring with wide eyes and Mei boring holes into her back. "Why aren't you guys sleeping yet? It's fucking late."

Mei was on Carmichael's saddle, Cathlinn left alone on her horse. She shook off the empty feeling, knowing very well it'd sprout later in the evening when no one was there to watch it. Words always did that. They'd form and leave her mouth before she could filter any of them, leaving a wake of some misunderstanding or chaos. "Cathlinn, are you listening," Simon asked.

Cathlinn looked over to him, glancing at the book in his hands, "You were talking about the northern countries and how barbaric they were."

"I wanted your opinion," he sighed. "You seem to have a view of both sides of the coin and I wanted to know what you thought on all of it."

"They're barbaric because their society is different from ours. To them we might seem weak and touchy but it's because they had to form their society around a cold, heartless climate," Cathlinn stated. He frowned and closed the book, pulling out a map and staring at it. "Take into consideration their geography too and there you'll find a shortage in agricultural development. Those mountains aren't good for farming because of loose gravel and minimal soil."

"How did you-"

"Not only that, their gods and how they worship are a direct relation to how they think. Many cultures sacrifice things or make offerings because their gods control certain aspects of life. A harsh climate and geography calls for harsh gods, therefore making a harsh people," Cathlinn reaches over and pulled out the book he had set away, flicking through the pages. "I'm more interested in their magic. It's a thing and it can also be effected by the energies and thought processes of the people that are using it."

"We don't touch magic," Simon snagged the book back, sighing as he rubbed his head. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but what could I teach you that you won't already get the full detail of?"

"I don't know, maybe economics. I always sucked ass at that," Cathlinn internally betrayed herself for her tone. Simon didn't deserve it. None of them did. She just couldn't stop the influx of irritation and hurt that had no reason to be there. It was just eating away at her, making her want to reject the warmth company often brought along with it.

She wanted nothing more than to feel something besides the cold block of ice that was filling her chest. A sigh left her and she shifted her jacket a bit, "Sorry. Please continue."

Simon stared before bringing his horse closer, taking the reigns from Cathlinn's hands, "I think you should sleep."

"Excuse me," she stared at him and then bit her cheek at the look in his eyes.

"You look dreadful. Your eyes look sunken into your head and your skin is pale," he protested.

"I'm not tired," Cathlinn reaches for the reigns, the man tying them to his saddle. "I'm fine."

"Please," he tapped his saddle and faced forwards, "Youre insufferable right now and it's obvious you're not going to be negotiable for the rest of the day."