Chapter Four: Family

I was the only child in my family. My mother hated me since the moment she carried me; she never showed me any love. My father—actually, I know nothing about my father. He never comes home. After some time, I realized that he came to visit my mother when I was not home. I don't know why, but my family never wanted me. They didn't show me any love. More than that, I realized that the relationship between my mom and dad is really fucked up; I have never seen any love between them. Our family was falling apart each day. My childhood was ruined by my own family. I don't know if I hate them or if I'm thankful because they raised me until now. But I heard that family is our home, but my home is so cold. I'm cold. I want to feel some warmth, but I can't have it, and I can't ask for it. I keep it all inside. I can't talk about those feelings or share them with anyone. If my own family can't listen to or understand me, how can I expect strangers to listen to me? I kept it all inside, but little did I know that I was destroying myself by enduring all of this all this time. But who will listen to a child? Who will believe a child? Till today, the child inside me wants to cry, scream, and talk. But it's too late; I already broke everything inside of me; everything is hidden deep down, and it's too late now to dig into it. My only wish was that my family could show me some love, hold me as I am, and love me as I am. I was always thinking, What does family mean? Is it love? Is it a warm home? Is it an understanding? What is it exactly? Till now, I couldn't find an answer. At some point, I really wanted to forgive them, but I couldn't. Knowing that they only gave birth to me to save their marriage, I really couldn't understand that. I feel like I'm a robot; they used me to save their lives, but when they failed to do so, they simply abandoned me as a useless piece.

I wonder, in the future, if I had a family, how I would handle it. What should I do? I'm scared of this. I decided to be alone; I don't want to drag anyone into my own mess, and I don't want to make someone suffer as I did. Life is so complicated that I make it my own enemy, hoping that I will find my own path one day.