Chapter Five: “It’s okay”

The first day in high school, when I was 16 years old, I wasn't excited to attend high school, to meet new people, or to take a step into this world, and honestly, it scares me a lot. Standing there, just observing people, since I can't touch them, I tend to keep looking at them intensely, hoping maybe I can feel them, understand them, or feel a silent imaginary touch that maybe will satisfy me. Suddenly I got that feeling. There is no way it's his presence, but how is it possible it's been 5 years "Raza". But where is he? I looked around, but I can't find him. As the day passed, when everyone else my age was enjoying high school, I was always waiting for the end of the day to run away to the house. The clouds are getting dark; I was hoping that it would never rain. The classes ended, and my hopes fell. It started to rain, and I couldn't move. I was terrified that something would happen. Students were running to get their umbrellas, and I panicked. What if someone touched me in that chaos? My body was standing just there; I couldn't move. I wanted to scream so that they would not get my way, but I couldn't do anything.

"If you don't run, they will touch you." What? Who is this? My body moved by itself, following that voice. "DON'T FOLLOW HIM, MARA; PEOPLE ARE SCARY". I was hiding until the rain stopped. But where is he? Am I dreaming? NO? I felt it; it was real. I went back to my house, and what was terrifying me was waiting for me. It's my mom, what? What does she want? My cousin asked me to just sit. We were silent all the time.

"When are you going to give me your soul?"?

I looked into her eyes; they were full of revenge, when my eyes were totally empty.

"If this will calm your soul, I will give it to you."

I meant what I said in the end. I don't want it, and I didn't want it ever. -"The house your father left is under your name; I want it back"

"Take it."

She gave me a paper to sign; I signed it, and she left. I don't know how to feel anymore. I feel like I want to cry, but tears won't come down. Maybe I'm so used to pain that I don't know how it feels anymore.

Another morning has come. I don't want to go to school, but remembering that voice makes my body move by itself, like everything in me wants that voice. Sitting alone in an empty place—yes, it's me in school. "It stopped raining". It's him; he is here; he is in front of me "RAZA". I had different feelings inside me that I couldn't explain. We just kept staring at each other as we used to do. We were talking, and I knew for sure that he could hear me because I could hear him.

"You didn't visit me often, as you said that day".

"So it's right that you are lonely; you didn't answer me that day, but now I get it".

"I'm not lonely; I just don't belong here.

He moved towards me; he was so close, and that's the first time that I let someone be that close; it's just that I wasn't afraid of him.

"IT'S OKAY. It's not that you don't belong here; you just came to the wrong world. Maybe you belong somewhere else where rain is your happy moment."