Interlude: On A Beach In The New World

It was a pretty breathtaking day all things considered. The tide was in so that rank ass fish smell of the beach wasn't so bad, the seagulls had learned who was boss of the beach so they left him alone, and most importantly of all the one old man fishing out of a deck chair had plenty of beer with him. Life was swell.

The old guy? Sure, I'll tell you about him. I'm him. I'm 80-ish years old this year! I know I said I've been eighty-ish for the last three decades, but I'm trying to hang onto my youth here. Cut me a break!

I never got to enjoy my youth cause I was working so hard so I'm trying to make my retirement last forever. That's how retirements are supposed to work anyways. The old shits like myself with no family who served fucking eight decades in the Marines retire to an island in the middle of nowhere with all the money they could ever want but nothing to spend it on except for booze. Crap. Thinking back on it maybe those bastards are trying to get fucked up retirees like myself to turn into alcoholics so we die earlier. Then they don't have to keep paying us for not working.

Those damn cheapskates.

Thankfully I won't have to turn to alcoholism to fill the void in my heart because I did that other thing old shits like myself do after they retire. I took an apprentice to teach everything I know. Some local kid from the village named Ike. Poor kid's got it real bad. Like, real bad. Probably why I took him on as an apprentice was because I felt so damn sorry for him.

First off he was born under a lucky star. Then an oracle came in and said he was destined for greatness things before hightailing it. After that his father won the lottery then divorced his mom immediately, but she got taken up to the local shrine so the kid was raised there with shrine maidens. Sexually frustrated shrine maidens who see him as a little brother.

But that's not all. It gets worse.

He has spiky hair. A hero complex. Multiple girls falling for him and he's not man enough to bang one of them and get it over with. It doesn't get any better from there.

When I heard about this kid defending a girl from some bullies and not asking for anything in return from the bar I immediately acted. I ran into town, found the kid, beat the shit out of him, and made him my apprentice so he would learn some common sense and humility before he gets people killed. Kid wants to be a Hero! He even shares his meat with complete strangers, who does that!

It's been three years and the kid is seventeen now. That's the age where kids usually start misbehaving. I mean, I joined the Marines at age four but that was just as a powder monkey. My bet is on the kid being a bounty hunter while he pursues his stupid idea of Justice. He's probably going to drag that rapid pack of women with him without even realizing it.

I feel like a failure of a teacher for not making the kid normal. Instead all my hellish training gave him was amazing fighting skills. I ain't Zephyr, I never trained nobody.

Speaking of Zephyr...

"Oi Ike! I get any mail?" I shout at my apprentice inside my shack doing his homework out of the sun. He spends a majority of his time in the shack to get away from those girls cause they don't ever come near me. They assume that just because I'm old and unmarried that I'm a pervert. They're not wrong, but they're still bitches for assuming that.

After a few moments Ike walks out of my shack with a bundle of papers. His red scarf blows in the breeze and I can't help but grimace. That kid is probably going to be a Hero, so God help him.

"Here's your mail sensei. You got a lot of letters today. Oh, I also picked you up the morning paper."

I took the stack from him and nodded. "Thanks a bundle kid."

I did have a whole shit ton of letters. Some from people I don't know, but one name jumps out at me from the top of the pile. Kong.

I immediately open it and see if it's anything worthwhile. I have to reread it just to make sure I don't get it wrong. I can't help myself, and I laugh out loud.

He wants me to take my old job back! Hah! I'm way too old to do that shit. Anyways I read in the paper that they weren't doing so well anyways and I wanted no part of that. I swallow the letter and remind myself to send Kong a juicy steak in the mail later.

The rest of the letters are from old hold out fans of mine from my glory days that I ignore. But there's still two important letters. One from Zephyr like I expected.

The other is from the Mother of Monsters herself. The head of CP2. She's at least as old as me but she still looks in her mid twenties damn it! The rumor is that she bathes in the blood of maidens so she can live forever. I know that's a lie because I know her personally. She would never do that because it would be a waste of a good maiden.

Wait. Is she... Yeah. She was the first openly gay woman to join the Marines. I don't think anyone really acknowledges that. Good for her though, equality and all that. Doesn't mean she isn't a cold hearted bitch that topples countries at the word of the Gorosei.

I open up Zephyr's letter first and sigh at the contents. It's just as I thought. He's going to go and commit elaborate suicide and he's trying to drag me down with him. Well, I'm not having any of that. I like life very much thank you. I crumple the letter up and threw it in the ocean.

I hesitate before opening her letter. My Haki tells me it's safe, but I wouldn't put it past her to find a way around it. She's cunning like that. I break the seal and brace myself, but nothing happens. I let out a sigh of relief and read the contents.

When I'm done I'm only partially aware that I've pissed myself in fear and anger. That blackmailing bitch.

HOW DID SHE KNOW?!?!

I hear two screams behind me and turn to see some of Ike's girls fainting behind me. Their mouths frothing as they hit the soft sand. Ike comes bursting out of my cabin fully concious, because of course he could resist my will power, and immediately runs for the the girls. He makes sure they're still breathing before turning to me to ask what happened.

I wave off his concerns. "They saw a raccoon with gigantic hairy balls flying over them and they fainted. Why don't you run them into town and take them to the Doc. I'd do it myself, but I'm really old and I don't want to."

When Ike is gone I sigh and stand up, painfully aware of all my joints fighting me for every single inch. I make my way to the cabin and pull the shoe box out from underneath the floor boards. I take off the lid and look at the brass knuckles inside. I frown before slipping them on. I don't want to do this, but she gave me no choice. They used to fit snug but my boney ass fingers leave a lot of wiggle room now. Oh well, I guess it will have to do.

I also see my black hat inside. The black hat with the golden pin. That at least still fits.

I look at my cracked bathroom mirror and straighten it out. I look ridiculous in my casual beach clothes and my official hat but I guess it will have to do.

I pull some paper from my desk and write a short note for Ike. He's getting the cabin for as long as he wants it. Might as well, he's my apprentice and everything.

I stand outside and crack my neck to the side, partially concerned with the amount of pain that comes with it. I sigh. "I guess Warden Mephistopheles is out of retirement. Poor Magellan getting the boot like that." I shake my head side to side. Life isn't fair but I have no time to waste. I gotta hitch a ride to Impel Down as fast as I can.

Before I leave I look at the photo she sent along with the letter. It's me back in my prime, standing over two dead bodies. Not that unusual in itself, I was a Marine after all. What is unusual are the weird bubble suits and hairstyle the dead couple is wearing. They were two Celestial Dragons, and I ended their life. I can't let that get out. I like life too much for that to get out. I'll do anything to make sure that stays secret. Literally anything.