Chapter IV

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"Look at this Caroll. What do you think?", I retreated my attention to the notebook that I just got from the rack seconds before Reighly got my attention. She stretched forward towards my direction the shirt that she just picked up from the clothing selection of the store.

"Nah, I don't think he would have affection for that", I immediately announced. "Besides, I don't really think that this is all gonna be great". I already talked to her about the possibility of this stupidity yet she didn't listen to me.

"Then let's buy him something that he can't dispose of".

"Then what is that?".

"I don't know, maybe let's try on the next store, we might get something exactly like what I said"

The buying of gifts for Lex ended up quickly as I expected since we had to drive to Mom's place early to reach the event. Even though I know Reighly so much this is actually her first-time attending Lex's Birthday. She's always on to something important every time I invited her to come, but I guess this is different from before. Besides, I thought it's great that she didn't concur with my previous invitations. I don't want her to see what precisely happened during those times.

"According to what I heard, I hope the party's going to be exactly opposite to what you said", Reighly remarked. I immediately turn on her and she quickly gives me relieving smiles.

"Don't worry, it will be going just fine. Trust me". Though I said it once that I will not trust any of Reigly's fine words, still her statements made me feel relief and calm in my haunches.

"I guess I had to trust once more", and I grin. I've seen her chuckle and guess she comprehends that humor.

She turns the car to the left and drives slowly. We are now actually getting nearer and even though Reighly gave me encouragement earlier, still worries lingers in my heart and mind. I haven't visited Mom's place before and so I am rather scared than excited for the possibility.

Reighly stopped and finally parked her car in front of a well-furnished blue house. I can see from the outside that lights are on in the living room but not in Lex's bedroom. What is happening?

I got out of the car. The unkept front yard caught my attention. There's too many dried leaves that are forgotten to be cleaned up every week by the possessor. Flowers that were already withered. The whole yard is a mess.

I knocked on the door and Mom immediately opened it for us. She looked restless. I can clearly see her eye bags more than her other facial features. It gives me an immediate alarm and curiosity for what actually happens.

"Mom! What happened to you?!", I shockingly asked and immediately entered the house. Reighly makes her way as well and looks so worried as do I.

"Caroll! I didn't know Reighly would come. I'm so sorry dear you have to see me like this at this situation", Mom said and apologize.

"No! Don't be Mrs. Singh. It didn't bother me at all", Reighly answered.

"Mom? What is happening? Why are you looking like that?" I instantly asked.

She looked at me messed up and teary eyed. She closes the door first and leads us to the living room. There, we, Reighly sitting beside each other opposite to Mom.

"What is going on Mom?" I asked eagerly once again.

"It's Lex", she paused for a long time, finding the courage to continue. My heart's pounding right now and I'm on my edge. I have to expect the worst. "He's been... on some kind of---illegal drugs", then I saw her burst into tears. Covering her face with her crease palms. I was shocked when I heard her answer.

I can feel my mind shattered into a million pieces of tiny glass. Is this all happening right now? Is this the price I need to pay for not giving Lex his companionship he needed? Am I already late to redeem Lex from getting further into his darkness? Or do I still have an inch of time to return everything?

Many questions were rambling right now and it only effused regrets. I haven't regretted this much after my Dad died. It's so much more painful hearing it, I don't know if I can carry the pain if I ever witnessed on my own eyes of who he was today now. For one year he has already turned to something worse than my bad dreams. This is a nightmare, a nightmare that I couldn't wake up even though I tried many times.

If only I came early. If only I was there. If only.

I felt a hand slowly touch the back of my shoulders and caress it gently. It was Reighly. She wants to comfort me but I doubt the efficacy. I felt like my body was in a numb state. I feel my senses start to stop functioning. I feel dizzy. I feel my heavy breath. I feel darkness. I feel broken pieces. I feel...regrets.

"H-How?", I swallowed my breath. "How did I make this to happen", divulgence of my dormant contrition contained for so many days finally released.

"No", Reighly says in full utterance. She pulls my attention. "This isn't anyone's fault. Neither of you, nor your Mom". I can't see where this thing goes.

"What do you mean? Surely you see what is going on right now? Because of my negligence I lost my brother", I fiercely utter and stand up. "...Just as I lost my father", whispers of my deep subconsciousness to my reality.

I saw how shocked she was with my response. "I-I'm sorry", she quickly said. "I didn't mean it for that. It's just that you aren't actually the---", cutted.

"I get it", I hoist one palm and sway my head to Mom who's still in her distress. "Where is he Mom?", I asked. Mom lifts her head and stares at me. I can see the redness on her eyes and the trails of the tears on her cheeks. This is the primary reason for her restless days. While I'm in my apartment half-soundless she was here dwelling and sniveling all alone in the dark corner of our house.

"He's in his room", she quivered. I know I had so many things to redeem for Lex but I guess this has to stop now. I surprisingly felt a rage of anger coming to me. Not to Lex nor for my Mom but to this circumstance. If I had to break the wall between us Lex with my bare hand I will do it, just to talk with him. I can't afford another worry year in my life. There's no other remedy to applied but to have sincere talk with him. If brute force is a must, it will be.

"He's been there since this morning. I'm afraid to insist on entering so I just left and waited here in the living room. He might have wanted something I could somehow provide for him", Mom inserted with the same state of tone. She never changes. Still unconditional towards us after everything.

My mind switches in just a second. I feel immediately ashamed of my behavior. I took a glimpse of Reighly who was insightly staring at me. My emotion altered eventually to rueful. My statement is true and genuine but I admit I delivered it wrong.

The image on the frame on the right side table next to Reighly seized my attention. I slowly walk towards it and lift it up to see it up-close. The image is not the thing I expected to be where it was. I turn on mom who looks better than earlier.

"Where did you get this?", I keenly asked. She thought for a second and answered me.

"I found it in your room. Since it was you and your Dad I decided to display it here," I hear her answer.

Images are all the memories that we possess and remember. That was what I believed before, but I was wrong. Not all are to remember. Sometimes you have to forget to lose the memory. Even if it was good before.

I was in front of Lex's door and about to knock. His door is full of attachments and stickers with disturbing contents. My knock attempted thrice and continued all the way down to several. No response. No sound. My attempt repeated again and again until it intensified.

"Open this door Lex", I firmly uttered and knocked again. My knock directly hit a sticking out tongue sticker of I presume to belong to an animated woman. Several seconds later, a thud on the floor suddenly heard coming from the other side of the wall. Followed by a step after step after step. The step wasn't recognized as inviting but instead annoying. It directly tells us that there's definitely someone there who is unwanted by any visitors. No response. No intentions of opening it.

"Lex! I know you're in there", I once again muster. The sound stopped and a creak replaced it. It sounded like he was lying down on his bed right now.

"Lex? Your sister is here. She just wants to talk to you", Mom gently pulls me in front of the door and tries to plead for Lex. "It's just a talk honey. Nothing else", she continued. No response again from him but we can hear that he was doing something inside.

Lex is still persistent with her decisions. Several minutes passed and I decided to take another route to enter inside. Even if it violates his whatsoever called personal space.

I descended downstairs and headed outside. I fetch something on the back of the house where most of our house tools are stored. It was a ladder and I lean it over, placing where his window was located. The day has started to cover in dim pigment. Telling that the sun in any minute will be gone in the sky. Never to provide light for the day for the next several hours.

I slowly went upstairs. My limbs are starting to feel compromised. It started to shake, enough to control for the meantime. I gently open the window of his bathroom and welcome myself there. I look around to see anything unusual. Even though the lights weren't open I was still able to see the inside. Everything is just the same as before. Unfortunately, I never witnessed unwanted objects. Just some toiletries, sink, shower and the toilet is suspiciously clean. This is not what I am supposed to see. For someone who did drugs this is way more different than I thought.

I took a deep sighed before touching the doorknob. Thinking for once to myself the worst possible scenario I would needed to expect after opening this door. Whatever was on the other side, disturbing or disgusting, I don't have a choice but to expect for the worst.

I quickly open the door. The face of the young man in a shock state stares in my direction. He was sitting in his bed with a hardcover book on his hands and on his bed. He wears a mustard colored shirt and a red checkered pajama. For someone who's in a dark room as this I surely still recognize things as this one. Well, in fact, this is not totally in a state of blind black since there's still few amounts of light coming from the outside through the window.

"W-Who are you?!", he stutteringly asked. Seconds later he quickly threw the book he was holding earlier to my direction and jumped off from her bed to the door. Gladly, I quickly avoid the book and run after him.

"STOP!!", I shouted. He never did what I asked for and instead opened the door. He was stopped by mom outside of the door after opening it.

"M-mom!", he said while panting and holding Mom. Mom hugged her tightly while stroking his hair to comfort him.

"What did you do Kar?!", Reighly worriedly questioned me. I look at her and give her my sharp stares delivering a message of SHUT UP! I switched his bedroom lights on and saw vividly his entire bedroom.

Everything is clean and organized. All the books were on the shelves except those that are in the bed and the one he throws at me. The walls are neat and vibrant too. My eyes seemingly inconceivable of the image right now and a lot more confused. I switch my attention to Mom with one brow facing upward.

"I thought he was on drugs?", I squinted my eyes. "Care to explain?".

Lex turned his head on me in shock. "Whose in drugs?".

I look at Mom, Lex turned in too. He broke off from the hug and stepped back a little to have a clear shot of Mom.

"What is happening here Mom?", I asked once again. My eagerness to know the truth is now almost on my critical control. For the last minute I was nervous and filled with fear for my brother. I know the moment I heard about him using illegal drugs there's nothing on my control I could ever retrieved back my brother to us. Not for a short period of time. And that made me feel miserable and petrified for my mother, me and even his life. I can't think of being the cause of ruining his life. That would be my death for sure.

"I thought he was. For several weeks he acted so strange so I decided to try and observe him. He doesn't want to go out in his room unlike before and that disturbs me a lot. I sometimes hear him in his room talking about some sort of chemical. And as well, I often saw him sneaking in and out of the back door not knowing where he'd gone for 6 hours," she paused and continued, "So...I thought he's into something illegal".

"What!?", Lex retorted after hearing everything.

"Well, then, explain where have you been those 6 hours Lex?", I quickly ask then turn my head to him. Lex turned to me shocked but eventually turned to anger.

"Who are you to ask?", he quickly rigorously utter. I let my guard down and even threw my expectation about this. I compose myself first and cross my hand on my chest.

"Caroll, and I'm asking on behalf of my curious young man", I firmly answered.

He's even more irritated than before staring intently at both of my eyes. The longer I stare back at him the more I can see my father's face. His facial resemblance to our late Pops made me remember the memory of him. The memory I don't want to think about right now. Seconds later, I shake my mind out and focus on the situation closely.

"Then you'll not going to hear it from me", later, we left the three outside of his room and walked down the stairs.

I sighed. "No problem has been solved in this way Lex", I resist. "Everyone is tired of this loop circumstance and I want to fix it this time", my ultimate message for him. This is now the right time to talk everything out.

He definitely stopped from descending after that. He looked back at his shoulder saying, "I already accept it Caroll", he paused for a second and looked forward to the stairs. "If you truly wanted to fix it, then my apologies to inform you I have no plans of doing it".

Although his words are direct and insensitive it still didn't push my intentions backward for retreat. I hold him on his shoulder and turn him around to see me clearly. His shocked face creates an image of a grin at the back of my mind.

"Let's see about that", I confidently said and informed my mother and Reighly not to follow us. They both nod and I eventually grabbed Lex's hand and pulled him outside of the house through the back door.

Our house was located at the far end of the street surrounded by bushy trees, and when you go inside, not too far from the house, you can see a whole plain of grass with no trees on it. This is our keeping place, me, Lex, and my father. In the middle of the plain my father built a small wooden bunker for us Lex. My mother never knew about this bunker and we don't have intentions of spilling it to her. It's our comfort place before. We store everything that Mom prohibits us from entering the house. Such as toys that we bought by our own allowance, comic books, a DVD, and some other stuff. After Dad died the bunker was left with only dust, spider webs, and forgotten memories. I visited there last year. That's why I remember some stuff we keep in there. We are too overwhelmed by the emotions of what happen to Pops but, we overcame it after several months. It is only Lex that didn't. He is still in grief, and anger towards me.

I continue pulling him and we both wander inside of the bushy trees to the plain. Not too long enough, he removed his hands which made me stop.

"You don't have to pull me. I can walk on my own", he piqued. An immediate joy grows inside of me after hearing it. He starts walking and I follow him. He definitely knew where I would take him.

We both survived and got out from the bushy trees to the green plain. It's already dark when we came out and I forgot to pick up a flashlight or either my cell phone, however, the light coming from the moon illuminates the plain which made the path clear enough to take.

Right now, I was in front while Lex was in the back following me.

"I haven't visited the bunk since then", he started talking. His initiatives made the seed of joy that was planted on me earlier grow larger than before.

"I thought those 6 hours of sneaking out from the house is because you are here hiding in the bunker?" I curiously said. The open of the plain was once visited again by the cold wind. My body feels the breeze despite the jacket that I'm currently wearing.

He never responded to that statement but instead diverted the subject, "I have foggy memories to what stuff I put inside the bunker", then started chuckling. "I might be shocked after seeing it".

I conceal my joy inside and hide my smile. This nostalgic feeling is the one that my soul yearns for so long. I've been hunting for this for several years and now I taste it again.

"For sure", I satisfactorily answered.

We are both now standing at the top of the bunker. I lift the wooden door and open it. The inside looks too dark and it keeps us out to see the inside of it. I felt nervous all of a sudden because of the possibility of hostile animals that live there. I only visited it once and I don't know if it is still in the same state as the last.

"Do you have a phone in you?", I ask Lex. He nodded and pulled it out of his pajama.

I lit the inside and found the timber ladder. I use the stairs to go inside and Lex follows me. The inside is too dusty and all the things in there are ingulf with web and dust. But, I can remember every memory of this place. I took two steps to the small table with magazines and CD's. It was too covered in dust. As well as the DVD never escaped from the filth.

We used to lock ourselves in here for hours to watch new movies that Mom never wanted us to see. Dad never knew about the CD's either. For a right track, we never watch disturbing contents, just those action films and horror movies.

"I once promised that I'll never enter this place again", Lex started to tell. I watch him as he goes through the little cabinet where we store our photos as family. He took out the metal junction and went through each of the photos that were inside.

"Why didn't you visit?", I asked.

He intently looked at the pictures and seconds later he picked one from the rest, "Because of this", he answered and showed me the photo. He showed me a photo taken from the Carnival's photo booth. It was me, Lex, Mom, and Pops with crazy hats, paint tattoos and popcorns.

"I was so happy and joyful inside every time I saw this image. Now, all I can feel is rage , regret, grief, loneliness. Everything on it was replaced with bad recollection", he shared.

I felt immediate guilt and sadness in my heart. Lex's damage is deeper than most of us. The resentment hit him the most, that's why his healing is not the same as ours. He fell so deep he can't recover on his own. I never truly understood it till now. He needs more than a companion. A sister to rely on after all the emotional struggle.

I walked towards him and began to hug him so tightly. I stroke his hair and rub his back. He didn't prevent his emotions from showing up and started crying and quickly embraced me. I never said a word and rubbed his back even more while comforting him with my, "Shushh...". Now, I'm even more relieved. Because I knew that Lex once again needs me, as his sister.