Chapter 8: Keep moving

The horrible events have passed—which was just beginning. We were thrown back in the old houses in that isolated place where the slaves lived, 'sclavus urbs' it was called, which is latin for 'slave city'. I have to say they are really not creative when it comes to naming stuff.

We were in one of the many old, abandoned and ruined houses of 'sclavus urbs'.

***

The darkness of the night had enveloped us all, along with the darkness that had taken root deep within our hearts and souls. The only light was the moon shining brightly through the broken windows, casting strange, creepy shadows.

We were all sitting on the cold, hard ground, quiet.....so quiet....I could hear the wind blowing, the bugs crawling and the rustling of insect wings. None of us spoke a single word for a while and neither did I.

I was sitting right below the window, Jay right across me on the front. I glance at him and see him, face down, his head in both his hands, contemplating all the drama that had taken place. I lower my head, and stare at my still blood stained hands with vacant ghostly eyes. I was losing my mind, I was losing myself...lost in thought...in a trance...a void had formed deep within my soul...a black hole sucking my sanity...

And then I come back to my senses when I hear Vivi sobbing. She had been crying for quite some time but I was too lost to pay attention. I wondered if I should say something, anything...but what could I possibly say?

Suddenly Vivi comes over to me, tears streaming down her face like a river and she grabs me by the collar.

"Why?...Why did you kill Eve?..." she sobs, her eyes filled with anger, frustration, guilt and pain.

'Why did I kill Eve?' she had asked and my eyes widened at her question and my mind went blank for a second, a numbness took over and then I squinted my eyes, thinking about why I had killed Eve.

"Right...I killed Eve..." I mumble to myself.

"REINA!!!" she shouts at me, bringing me back to my senses again. I stare at that shattered expression on her face.

"Because...there was no...other way... We would have all died..." I pause and think if I was answering correctly, but was there even a right answer to this question? and then I open my mouth to say something and I pause again, hesitant, scared of uttering the words, "I did it to save you...save all of us."

"SAVE US? IS THIS SALVATION?" Vivi scoffs at me.

I stare at her, shocked. Oh! I guess I said it out loud and didn't even realize it.

My eyes tear up as I couldn't quite comprehend what exactly she was trying to say. A look of confusion takes place on my face. And then it hit me, perhaps the voice of guilt whispered and told me that...she was blaming me for Eve's death. I couldn't say anything...my heart shattered at the thought of being hated and villainized by the people I wanted to save, the ones I loved most.

"THAT'S ENOUGH!... Vivi, let go of her." Jay speaks up. I turned to look at him and he wasn't even looking at us, his face was still facing the ground.

The clouds cover the moon, dimming its brightness, casting a shadow on all of us and for some reason I'm glad I can't see him. I'm glad it's dark here. I'm relieved I'm not able to distinguish the expressions everyone has right now. Because If I do... I'm afraid of what I may find.

Vivi lets go of me and goes back to sit by Liz's side, "So are we going to simply brush away all that happened?" her tone's rough. She was always the kind to say things without a filter. She was never the one to sugarcoat her words. I liked that habit of hers but right now it hurt me.

Nox speaks up loud and clear, "And what do u suggest we do? Let's be honest while we're at it! Are we gonna pin all the blame on her? Reina did what none of us had the courage to do! THERE WAS NO OTHER WAY!!!" His words catch me off guard. I can notice that he was annoyed by Vivi's behavior.

"You keep your mouth shut, Nox!" Jay slips in.

Jay finally lifted his face and the moonlight shined over it and I could clearly see he had been crying, crying silently, his eyes were red. But he had an expression of indifference right now, probably trying to mask the pain, just like me, but I masked my pain with a blank expression which made it seem like I had lost the will to live. Jay sounds pissed. Pissed at Nox, at how the events unfolded and pissed at me too, I bet.

I sense a quarrel coming up between Nox and Jay. Nox was about to say something when I interrupted.

"Enough! Let's not fight among ourselves right now. We do not need any more of that." I say softly, then I continue with a clear tone in my voice, hoping no one will notice the facade I'm pulling. Hoping they won't notice that I'm on the verge of breaking apart.

"I know I killed Eve and there is no forgiving that...but right now we need some time to cool our heads off. So let's not mess ourselves up any more than what we already are."

They quiet down and a suffocating silence engulfs the spacious room.

Jay was my only brother and we were extremely close to each other. We grew up as a very loving family. And Eve was our neighbor's child who made her place in our hearts as family.

So I was well aware that Eve's death had affected Jay as much as it did me. And I was afraid that just like how I lost Eve, I would lose Jay. Because Jay and I were siblings and had been by each other's side since we were kids, I hoped he'd comfort me.

Was that selfish of me?... I wonder if I even deserve comfort after killing the loveliest person we knew...

We sat there on the cold floor, me by the window, the rest scattered around on the other side, in front of me. Vivi and Liz rested on each other's shoulder and Nox laid on the ground, his arm over his face. Jay was sitting beside him, and the other two guys were also quietly resting the heads against some boxes piled in some corner.

I could feel the distance between us...perhaps it was the loss of Eve but I felt terribly lonely, isolated. I was the only one sitting alone and I felt like I was just left there...on purpose...because I was a murderer.

"Friendships cause heartbreak too" Eve had once said, when we fought and I was in the wrong but didn't wanna admit it. We later made up and we made up quite quickly, our fights never lasted. All it took was for me to offer her some food, or flowers or anything as simple as that. It would be a simple but sincere gesture which we accepted wholeheartedly.

Jay turns to look at me and I hoped, I'd see something like sympathy or even pity at least. I'm not sure if it was my paranoia but all I could notice was a silent accusing glare, reminding me of my sin.

If only we could make up as simply as we did back at home. But we were not at home and being away from home seemed like it had taken from us something more than just our freedom, something more than just a friend.

This heartbreak right now, I felt like it could last forever.

I sit there, my thoughts silently taking over me, haunting me and my bloody hands reminding me over and over again of what they had done. It felt as if I was still sitting in a pool of her blood. I could still vividly and disgustingly feel it all. Her blood gushed in red rivers, staining us both scarlet. Eve's life drained away...i couldn't seem to get rid of the gruesome view which seemed to have been carved deep within my soul. But now the once bright red had darkened and turned a dark brownish hue. The guilt is crippling me. Guilt cut as deep as the dagger that I used to end her life and the only difference was that It didn't end mine, but It sure was killing me slowly. I wouldn't blame my friends for hating me. Even I hated me right now (although I was never the kind of person who'd succumb to self loathing. I always considered it ridiculous but right now, I simply couldn't deny what I had done, the crime I had committed.)

'You have the ability to move on, no matter how tough things become', Eve had said right before asking me to kill her.

'Move on...huh...' I needed to get past this somehow. I can't simply fall to the ground and stay there. If I don't move, then I'll only end up staying at the same place forever and staying in this pathetic state was the last thing on my bucket list. Nay, it wasn't even on my bucket list. I need to do something. Make a change. I know that I can't change the fact I would be living with Eve's blood on my hands for the rest of my life but I was determined to make a change, to atone for what I had done. It didn't matter if I would be alone, I would still fight.

I WILL GET OUR FREEDOM BACK!

How? I still didn't have any idea of that. I just knew I needed to move, start something, anything.

'One small step at a time' I thought to myself. 'I will walk one small step at a time, if I can't walk, I'll crawl! But by all means, keep moving forward.'

And so the first thing I decided as I stared into my blood stained hands, stared into oblivion was that 'I will not let guilt or fear cripple me! I will not let my pain define me! I will rise beyond all this and I will survive the chaos!'

And so just like that, I stood up instantly earning some glances from the rest of the guys. I simply walked around the room and rummaged through the pile of stuff (from ordinary little furniture to some tools and garbage) searching for something. I thought I might find a flashlight or a candle perhaps.

Surprisingly, I found a lamp, the kind that you would light up with a match. And I found a spilled match box beside it. I took this as a positive sign and continued to light it up. It lit up, a tiny yellow flame illuminating the surroundings slowly. The flame slowly grew like warm and golden sunlight falling on my face, making me feel slightly better of myself, like I had accomplished something worthwhile. Although it was just a warm little light, for some reason it felt good.

I took the lamp walked across the room, found an old, rundown toilet, I place the lamp beside the sink and started washing my hands, the blood seemed like it was refusing to leave me and so I rubbed and rubbed until I was satisfied but honestly no matter how much I washed, I couldn't get rid of the disgusting feeling and the metallic stench of blood. I washed my face, the cold water splashing it felt good. I looked into the cracked mirror before me, my cracked and broken reflection in it, I truly looked like a villain or perhaps a broken hero. But I felt more like a monster and so I turned away from it, trying to deny the darkness that was clearly visible, the murderer within me greeting me, trying to make its place within me but I rejected it with all my being. The tap was still running and the silence of the night made everything sound so loud, and now it was bothering me. So I washed my hands again and again until the emotions I had locked down started to threaten to spill in the form of tears because I simply couldn't get the blood off of me although I knew I had probably already cleaned off the blood on them. I don't know how long I was there washing my hands but eventually I closed the tap, took the lamp, and one last look in the mirror and I told myself, "Don't let the guilt and fear cripple your heart!"

I walked back to my place by the window, sat down and leaned my head back against the wall. I blew out the lamp for we didn't really need it. The silver moonlight shining through the window was enough. I shut my eyes and let the darkness fall over them. I hear some footsteps and don't bother looking who it is. It's probably just one of the guys. And then I feel someone slowly sit beside me and rest their head on my shoulder. It catches me off guard, I instantly open my eyes and find it to be Jay. I wasn't expecting that. I wasn't expecting anyone to sit by my side. I didn't think I deserved having anyone sit with me and I had already slowly started to find solace in this darkness, this loneliness. But as I stare in slight disbelief at Jay, he doesn't move at all, he looks so comfortable, he's simply by side, his head on my shoulder, his arms crossed and his eyes shut. The feelings I had been shutting down made their way through my throat and to my eyes and like I had been overfilled, now the silent tears were undeniably gonna spill. I place my hand over my face to cover it but I knew Jay was well aware of how I felt right now. We literally grew up together and he knew me very well. And I knew him. He didn't say a single word but I knew this was his way of comforting me, this was how he had always been, ever since we were kids, whenever we fought (those little siblings quarrel) by the end of it, he would silently sit by my side and that was a sign that he was trying to comfort me.

I felt accepted, I felt at ease now and I really needed this, for someone to just let me know that I wasn't alone. This small act of kindness was all it took for me to let out the emotions drowning me, and silently cry myself to sleep which actually felt strangely liberating.