7

"I don't think so," Nicole protested, her mouth full of food. "The biggest issue the thirteen colonies had was the lack of representation in Parliament. It wasn't just the taxation, that's what everyone thinks of when they hear 'no taxation without representation.' All I'm saying is that if we had a clear understanding of the British Constitution and both sides quit making up their own rules, maybe we could have spared a bunch of lives."

"You're forgetting about the Townshend Acts, young lady." Mr. Baker argued back. "The Patriots understood that the people had rights that no government could violate. 'It is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.'"

"I'm forgetting no such thing." Nicole fired back at her dad. "The British had a conflicting viewpoint with the patriots. This is what I'm saying. It's been well established since the Revolution of 1688 that the Parliament held supreme authority in the empire, at least according to England. Nothing they could do was unconstitutional. Was it right? Of course it wasn't. And FYI, the prevention of non-intrusive trade arguably did more damage than any taxation measures. If you wanted to be a blacksmith in the Thirteen Colonies, you had to jump through hoops just to make and sell your own freaking products."

"I don't think trading restrictions were as important as you're making them out to be." Mr. Baker replied.

"Well, that's fine. It's okay to be wrong." Nicole sarcastically quipped, staring her dad down as she drank from her glass of water passive-aggressively.

"Is dinner always like this?" I asked Mrs. Baker. I feel like Nicole would have a field day in Mr. Anton's class. I didn't even know how we got here. Things started off with an innocent discussion about movies, and then somehow they got to talking about some playwright named Moliere, then boom, the Revolution. I mean hey, why not. It's not like I wanted to ever leave history class.

"Not always." Mrs. Baker dryly responded. "When Nicole gets an idea in her head, it's hard to convince her otherwise."

"Why are you trying to convince me though? I'm right!" Nicole protested. This was one hell of an introduction to dinner at the Baker household. I wasn't sure whether I wanted this to become a more regular thing or not, but hey, whatever made them more comfortable with me, I guess.

"Do you want me to get the dishes?" I offered.

"Don't be stupid, you're the guest." Nicole snapped at me, standing up and gathering the plates near her.

"Nicole! Don't be rude!" Mrs. Baker barked.

"Nah, he's a big boy. He can handle it." Nicole retorted, winking at me as she walked away with the plates.

"Is she like this with you often?" Mr. Baker asked me, almost surveying me like he needed to know how mad at Nicole he should have been.

"Nah, we just like kidding around with each other." I diplomatically answered. "I don't mind, really."

"Wow, can you believe this guy?" Nicole asked the table, reaching in front of me to grab my plate. "Can you say, 'whipped?'"

"Nicole!" Mrs. Baker interjected.

"I'm just horsing around, mom. Relax. Besides, who cares who's more dominant with us two? Do you not care about female empowerment, mommy? Are you saying I should be completely subservient to him?"

I never really asked what that word meant, but I could figure it out. "You should at least show him some respect while he's having dinner under our roof for the first time." Mr. Baker ordered.

"Enh, doesn't seem that celebratory." Nicole remarked, going around to the other end of the table. "Besides, he's eaten here a lot of times before, just not dinner." She gave me a wink that only I could see, making me blush and look to the floor.

"You're not eating chips in the bed again, are you? You know how that makes your father's chores ten times harder." Mrs. Baker complained.

"Vacuuming is harder anyway." Nicole replied, making Mrs. Baker open her mouth in objection. "Relax, relax. Yeah, I kicked that habit." She bounced over to Mr. Baker and kissed him on the head. "Love you, daddy."

Mr. Baker rolled his eyes in response.

I figured it was my turn to say something. "Well, hey, thanks for having me over for dinner. I appreciate it, and everything was delicious."

"Were the potatoes delicious?" Nicole piped up. "Because three guesses who made those tasty bitches."

Ignoring Nicole, Mrs. Baker half-smiled at me. "You're welcome, Adam." she told me. "And we're glad you could enjoy yourself. We try to make those small moments in life happier."

"Trifles make the sum of life." Mr. Baker added.

"Yeah, this'll be a moment you'll treasure forever." Nicole's voice rang dryly from the kitchen.

I stood up from the table. "I should probably get going soon though, my family was expecting me back home a bit ago."

"You could have texted them if you were smarter." Nicole's voice rang again.

"Well, we hope you enjoyed yourself. I suppose we'll be seeing you sometime soon." Mrs. Baker acknowledged me.

"Have a good night." Mr. Baker added, already nose deep in a book. I excused myself from the table, got up and went for my shoes in the foyer.

"So, how was it? Dinner with the Bakers, yay or nay?" Nicole asked, walking up behind me.

"Yay." I smiled at her. "I had a good time, thanks."

"Let's hope so. It's only gonna get more chaotic from here." she responded, looking behind her. "You got everything? Your phone, backpack…"

I rifled through my pockets. "Yeah, I think I got…" My brow furrowed as I felt a piece of paper in my pocket. Was this a receipt for something? I pulled it out and looked at it. By this point Nicole had already walked back to the kitchen so I didn't feel conscious or anything when I realize it was the password list I nicked from Mitch's room.

No wonder this guy had to write his passwords down. Ia5cD77PbitB. That was his Facebook password. I bet even in heaven he couldn't remember that. My eyes gazed down to the bottom of the page where the cryptex sat, mocking me.

'The sum of life.'

I winced in confusion. Deja vu. Did I hear that phrase recently? Like, really recently? I could swear that…

In a flash, I remembered and practically bolted back for the dining room.

"Forget something?" Mrs. Baker asked.

"Uh, yeah, just left something upstairs." I lied, walking casually to the stairs. "Hey, Mr. Baker, what was that thing you said earlier? Something about the sum of life?"

Mr. Baker lifted his head. "Trifles make the sum of life?"

"Yeah, that!" I practically shouted like a madman before regaining my composure. "It just sounds like a good phrase. Is it like a family motto or something?"

He shook his head. "It's line from David Copperfield."

I grinned. David Copperfield. Charles Dickens. Ladies and gentlemen, we had a winner. "Ah, cool." I nonchalantly replied as I made my way up the stairs. After quickly turning around to make sure I wasn't being followed, I burst into Mitch's room and started moving the books to his bed until I saw the cryptex.

Mitchell Baker, you have met your match. Gleefully, I took the cryptex and carefully moved it to the bed. Trifles. That was the combination. Carefully, I set every letter and gently pulled on the sides of the cryptex.

Then I pulled slightly harder. Then my heart sank. Nothing? How could it not work? It was perfect! Sighing to myself, I put the cryptex on the bed and sat down. Fuck. I thought I had this. It didn't make any sense. Either way, Nicole or someone would be upstairs soon so I had to dispose of the evidence.

I sighed again as I stood up and grabbed the cryptex. I stared at the word spelled before me and a thought entered my head. Slowly, I moved around the tumblers and heard a click.

My first thought was, 'Wow, I'm a dumbass.' T-r-i-f-l-e-s. Not 'trifels.' My second thought was pure excitement. I carefully moved the cryptex over to the desk and pulled. It came apart easily, revealing a compartment.

The compartment had a small green-hide book and a piece of paper inside. Instinctively, I grabbed the book and thumbed through it, and as I saw the first page, I grinned. Mitchell, you little devil, you. Page after page had a different girl, complete with every time and place they 'did it.' I can see that when it came to hormones, Nicole was no outlier. Shannon, Lily, Diana, just to name a few… Not bad, amigo. Not bad.

A noise from downstairs made me jump. I was taken back into reality, remembering that I was not supposed to be here. In the heat of a fight-of-flight moment, sometimes people do very stupid things, and I suppose that's why I took the piece of paper and stuffed it in my pocket before putting the book back in the cryptex and shutting it. Hastily, I stuffed the cryptex back in the bookshelf and put the books back on to hide it.

After putting the room back in its natural order, I turned off the light, shut the door behind me and got the hell out of there. My mind was a-buzzing with the possibilities of that piece of paper. Was it a schematic? A confession? God forbid, a suicide note? The rest of my time at the Baker residence was practically a blur as I left. I was polite enough to make sure no one suspected anything, although I was less careful with my parents when I got back home, going upstairs within three-ish sentences.

By the time I got upstairs, my hands were almost shaking. To me, Mitch wasn't even really dead – more like a person who lived somewhere else. A person I was only getting to know. And soon, I would know something about him even Nicole didn't. And I would get to be the first to share it with her. I'm sure she wouldn't be upset with me knowing I figured out the combination and got his note. I slammed the door behind me and carefully took out the note, unfolding it and beginning to read it. As I read more and more, my skin went paler and paler, and I wondered if perhaps it was more foolish of me than anything to have pried into their business.

Dear Nicole,

If you're reading this then I've finally grown the balls to do what I should have done a long time ago. I always wanted you to be the strong individual you could be, but you've made it clear that as long as I'm in the picture this will never happen. I don't want to be too harsh with you, but I feel like at this point, enough is enough. 'Growing' means more than living in another person's shadow, and you simply aren't growing. The way you obsess over me… You don't know this, but mom and dad have had talks with me about it. This can't continue. It's not healthy. As of the moment you read this note, I will stop coming home, and I wish you could have found out in some way other than a pathetic little note on your bed, but I know that if I were to tell you in person you���d grab onto me and never let go. At some point you have to grow up. This will be the last communication you have with me. I'm planning to leave the country soon, and any contact you attempt to make with me will be futile. So don't try. Goodbye.

Mitch

Chapter Twenty

In-the-moment actions can feel startlingly different than actions in retrospect. It's easy to look back at one's actions and say, 'Wow. I sure overreacted to that.' or 'I never had it that rough. What was I thinking?'

As Mitchell's note slowly burned in front of me, I wondered if this was going to be one of those instances. I looked around the park again in a paranoid fashion to make sure no one was looking at me – if I had done this in the house someone most assuredly would have smelled the smoke or something. It was burning. I had set fire to someone's property – what's more, something not meant for me to ever read at all.

Even ripping up the note was too good for it. It had to be completely destroyed, no two ways about it. I couldn't help but feel like I had learned a weird lesson that I wasn't supposed to learn yet – I had to lie. I knew now that Nicole was… well, delusional. She lived with a brother who tried to shake her away with increasing desperation, but according to her, he thought the world of her. And when reality is too grim to share, tuck it away and repress it. I had to burn the note.

I thought back to what May said a long time ago. There was her, and then there was the mask she put on. Nicole clearly made a mask, but not for her – for her brother, perhaps before he died, perhaps after. It wasn't my place to say when. The version of her brother she adored was perfect. Why should I ruin that perfection with reality? What right did I have? If it meant her happiness, I was content with hanging this skeleton up in my closet.

Once the embers were out, I stood up and looked at the large rock where the ash of the note lay. I made my hand into a fist and pounded down on the ash, if nothing else to symbolically destroy what was left of this note. It wasn't as hot as I thought it was going to be, luckily.

I looked over my work, admiring it. Now I was the only one who knew. The secret would be safe with me. Smiling to myself, I stood up and put the lighter I carried with me away in my pocket, before starting to walk out of the park.

Suddenly, I stopped in my tracks. I wasn't the only one who knew. Someone I had purposefully avoided talking to, but there was something on my mind for the last while now. Something huge, too huge for me to even admit to myself, let alone others. I needed to talk to that other person, as soon as possible… but not today. Tomorrow, after dinner.

***

I chewed slowly, looking off into the distance, head in the clouds. Less than 24 hours ago, I was burning what could have been the most important thing for Nicole to see this year. Did I make the right choice? I didn't know.

I did know I couldn't dawdle with dinner. I asked Dad if we could have it early tonight specifically. I needed to see him while there was still daylight outside. It felt wrong otherwise. And I needed to talk to him. He didn't need to talk to me, but that was his problem.

"Do you want more of anything?" Mom softly asked.

"Hm?" I snapped out of my daze. "Wuh?"

"Would you like more of anything" she repeated herself.

"Oh, no thanks." I replied. "Sorry, thinking about stuff for next year."

"Student council things and all that?" she asked.

"Once again, way to go." Dad commented. "I always wanted to be the dad of a politician."

"Yeah, because student council does so much." I lamely commented.

"You're elected, so that means you're at least not the most hated guy of the school." Dad rebutted.

"Yeah, I'm definitely happy with how this year went." I smiled.

"That's good to hear." Mom told me supportively.

"So, uh, I won't be sent back to the local school then?" I half-joked towards mom.

"Oh, of course not." she immediately dismissed. "You seem to be doing very well at school, and making a lot of new friends."

"More than before, yeah." I replied, looking down at the table and thinking. Not just of Nicole, but of Megan, Carson, Paul, Jenna… hell, even Phil and May. This year was one hell of a roller coaster, that was for sure.

"Speaking of, you should have Nicole over for supper sometime." Mom continued. "After yesterday, we owe her that much."

"Plus, even without the owing, it's good manners to have your own girlfriend over to meet with your parents. I'd be more comfortable being more sure you're not dating a serial killer." He gestured around the table. "A femme fatale."

I opened my mouth to correct Dad, and hesitated. Girlfriend. Was Nicole my girlfriend? It felt weird to even ponder. Even just a few weeks ago, I would have corrected him immediately, but now? Now, I wasn't so sure. Whether Nicole wanted to admit it to my face or not, something was happening. I mean, fuck, she admitted it to Phil's, even if it was just to get some higher ground in the conversation.

Before I could think further, Mom cut in. "Oh, she's not his girlfriend, Tim." she mock-scolded him. "Adam told me that she has a boyfriend, in fact."

"I hope he's not the jealous type." he muttered, almost to himself, concealing a smile ineffectively.

"Oh, they broke up." I blurted out before realizing. "It, uh, didn't work out."

"Oh." Mom replied blandly. "Poor thing. I hope she's okay."

"It took her a bit, but I think she's over it." I couldn't even tell if I was lying anymore, or if I was just trying to make a metaphor out of her and Phil. Maybe that's just the excuse I was making to myself.

"Good, good." Mom replied meekly. All of us knew the conversation was going nowhere, and my parents knew pretty well that I had a huge crush on her. I didn't know if I was trying to hide it or anything. Maybe I should have just stopped. After all, it's possible something was about to happen. But if it didn't…

Dad cleared his throat. "Well, if you're finished, why don't I handle the dishes?" he offered. "I know you wanted us to eat early so you could see your friend.

Oh, he wasn't my friend. "I appreciate it, thanks." I replied quickly as I got up and gathered my shoes, bolting out the door with little more than an apathetic 'love you' tossed behind my back.

I ran the whole way there. It's not like he was going anywhere, but I wanted as much time with him as possible. I knew the way off by heart now, and soon I was going under the gateway and greeted with a familiar sight. Scanning the path, I eventually found him, amongst some grass. As soon as my eyes locked onto him, I deliberately slowed my pace. The sunlight hit my face, almost blinding me as I walked painfully slowly towards him. I didn't care. I wanted him to feel my presence.

I sat down calmly on the grass, never taking my eyes off of him. The stone just stared back at me. If Nicole was allowed to talk to her brother, so was I, and I had a hell of a lot to say.

"You recognize me, Mitch?" I asked, my voice smouldering. "It's Adam. Adam Watson." Go figure, there was no response. I didn't need a response. I just wanted, on the off chance that he was listening, for him to sit down and listen to me.

I stood up and began pacing, never taking my eyes off of him. Silent. Never speaking. A good minute passed before I worked up the anger to finally talk. "How dare you." I started. "How fucking dare you. She thought the world of you, and you fucking knew it. Then you pissed in her face, didn't you? Where do you fucking get off, buddy?"

I knelt down and got real close to the stone. "You're lucky I value her happiness. If I were someone else, I would have showed her the note. Is that what you would have wanted? Losing you was bad enough, she'd have to lose the you she treasured most." I shook my head in disapproval. "The you that you never were."

"What the fuck would it have taken to give a crap about her? Yeah, she's a fucking clingy unstable mess. Anyone can see that. And you were thinking of leaving her?" I started pacing again. "I don't care if you're dead. I don't care how you died. Because I bet you anything, if you lived, and you gave her that note, there would be a different grave here, but it would still say 'Baker' on it. You get me?"

Tears started to form in my eyes. Speaking of repression… I didn't ever want to say this out loud. I didn't ever want to acknowledge it to myself. In a way, this was never real until I revealed it to him out loud. "I'm not an idiot, Mitch. I've seen the marks on her arms. I know what it means." My nose curled in anger. "You'd better fucking hope those began after you died. If you saw those and still wanted to ran away from her… I… fuck." I sat down. "Mitch, I'm fucking scared. I'm scared not only of what���ll happen, but of you and what kind of damage you caused. I get the plan wasn't to, like, you know…" I gestured to the grave. "I'm sorry things happened the way they did. But I don't know how to talk to anyone about that. I don't know how to talk to Nicole. I know she likes to close her eyes and pretend everything bad is all a bad dream, but it just isn't my style, okay?! I don't know what to tell her. 'Everything will be okay'? Yeah, that'll help her. I…"

I breathed in and out. "The first time I saw it, it fucking terrified me. It was just after sex, though. What the fuck could I say? 'Hey, nice tits, they match your cuts'?" I got back up again. "How the fuck do you talk to the person you love most about suicide? Clearly you were too much of a fucking coward to. You're her brother, for fuck's sake. Couldn't you have just noticed? Couldn't you have been there for her, you selfish prick?!"

I sat back down and remained there for about a minute. "I don't know why I'm blaming you." I quietly told him. "Maybe I'm just making you a scapegoat because you're dead. If you're not cool with that, just say something." I paused. "Cool, thanks." I chuckled aloud. "I'm sure you're not, like, the reason any of this is happening, but if I want to be her boyfriend, I need to address it sooner or later. We can't just pretend it doesn't exist. It's like… I understand why she visits here so often. It's like I begin to understand how she feels. If she were ever to leave, my whole world would be shattered. Everything would stop making sense." I looked back at the grave. "I'm sorry you're gone, Mitch. I'm sure you had your own life ahead of you, and it would have been great. But where the fuck does it leave me, man? It's unfair."

I blinked quickly to hold back tears. "But it's worse. Like, not trying to undermine you, but your death… Complete accident. Are overdoses accidents, or…? You know what, it doesn't matter. Nicole is doing this to herself. And your letter, man… It cuts really deep. It's not cool what you did. You could have pushed her over the edge. You were the one person she could trust, and you were about to just give her the finger and walk away." I pictured Nicole lying in a bed, peacefully in a most ominous way, not sleeping, drenched in a sea of red. I shivered. I don't know what death feels like to witness. I never want to. Mitch, help me."

I stared back at him, expecting, for some reason, something. Movement. A promise. Anything. What I got, unfortunately, was confirmation that he was gone. It was eerie before, now… it was just cruel.

"You know what, fuck you." I huffed. "I bet her parents don't know. I bet she even thinks I don't know. Or she doesn't care. But I care. I'm not just gonna sit around and let this happen. But I gotta know how to do it, Mitch. What if I, like… what if I…" my fist hit the ground. "Fuck."

I sighed for another minute solid. Darkness was starting to eat away at the atmosphere. I had to get home soon.

"I wanted to say this to someone for a long time. I don't know what the fuck made me think saying it to you would be a good idea." I stood up, and chuckled again to myself. "Because you won't judge, I guess. You literally can't. Salvador – fuck. He'd put Nicole on some sort of therapy shit through the school. She'd never talk to me again. Carson? He'd probably tell her to get over it or something. Megan's volatile enough." I was looking down at the grass at this point. I looked back up to him. "None of those named probably mean anything to you, but they're… they're people, you know? And somewhere out there is someone I can talk to who will make all this shit go away. God didn't spare you, why the fuck should I believe He's looking out for Nicole?" I sighed.

My head slowly turned back to the grave. Talking to Mitch… well, 'talking to Mitch' put an idea in my head. "What if it was you?" I said with a menacing slowness. "You'd better hope to fuck you didn't do this. I'm almost sad you're gone purely because you don't get to see what you've done to your own sister. IF you truly cared, you'd have been more careful. Then you could have fucking understood the stuff you're doing to her." I was silent for a good ten seconds. "Something sure as hell is doing something to her. Maybe it was you. Or Jeff, or even his brother. There's stuff about Nicole I just don't get. You meet someone, you spend maybe 20 hours with them, you go, 'Okay, yeah, I know how this person acts.' Nicole keeps making no sense. I just wanna… " I cleared my throat. "I just wanna shake her sometimes, you know? Grab her by the arms and just ask her to be normal for once, for me. Be straight with me. Tell me everything she feels without needing to hide behind her sarcasm. I bet Salvador would call that postmodernism." I smiled slightly. "I don't even know what the fuck postmodernism is. And I need someone to do that. I need, more than ever, to… for… core Nicole. You know? I need to see her raw form. I feel liked even though I've seen her with no clothes on, I've never really seen her naked. I need someone to tell me what to do or how to act. I need someone to help her. A therapist or something."

I smiled. "You know, maybe it's me. Maybe I'm that guy. I don't think I am, but you know who I'll be if I don't try to make sure Nicole has the best life she can?" I got really close to the gravestone. "You." I whispered.

"Yeah. Yeah, you know what?" I stood back up, feeling an adrenaline rush. "I'm going to do it for her. She's been through some shit, huh? Sexually assaulted by one guy, then his brother. Made to feel like she had to give everyone sex to feel like she has value. What do you do? You tell her to go ahead with it. See, I get it now. She sees you as a hero for that. I bet you just saw it as the easy way out of actually caring for her. She fucking reveres you for what you did, but what did you actually do? Fucking nothing. I'm going to do what you couldn't, Mitch. I'm going to give it my all, and make her feel whole, not like she has to present herself to feel validated. You're the fucking reason she has those cuts, give or take a few Love brothers, but I'm going to be those reasons those cuts will never reappear on her skin again. I may not be able to have the guts to reveal to her just what a shitty brother you've been, but I can love her, and I will. Every day. I'm going to m-"

I stopped. A presence. I whirled around and saw an older woman, looking at me with a weirded out expression on her face.

I turned pink. I guess paying attention may have been smart. I was completely embarrassed. So much so that, as much as I would have liked to prove to Mitch that I wasn't a coward like him, I ran. I fucking bolted. I peaced it. I wasn't even able to look that woman in the eyes, let alone finish that conversation.

Whatever. Mitch got the message. I may not have been the biggest smooth operator on the planet, but I was enough for Nicole. And I was going to make sure that, somehow, someway, I would solve her problems. Nicole was not going to feel lonely anymore. I meant what I said – I was going to do what Mitch couldn't, and truly make her feel whole.

***

"I heard that you won the Student Council election with Nicole," Salvador commented as I put my bag down in his office. "Congratulations."

"You and I both know that she won the election and I was along for the ride." I retorted, sitting down in the chair facing him. "No need to be polite."

"If I didn't mean to congratulate you, I wouldn't have said it." he replied meaningfully.

"Of course," I laughed, throwing my hands up. "I should have guessed."

"You seem cheerful." he observed. ��Is something important happening?"

I paused. "Not really cheerful. I guess I just feel a lot of… anticipation."

"Anticipation?"

"Summer's coming." I answered. "I feel like a lot of my life is changing. Like I'm closing a chapter or something. I mean, I barely knew how to do Student Council stuff this year, and now I'm expected to be the VP?"

Salvador nodded slowly. "People have large expectations of you now." He wrote something down on a piece of paper and looked back up at me. "Is that it?"

"Huh?"

"I don't think you would just come to me for that." he answered simply. "You know that I know you won the election."

"Nicole won t-"

He waved a hand around to signal he understood. "You asked me for this meeting just because you're feeling anticipation?"

"I can't meet with you to tell you I'm having a good time for once?" I retorted.

"It's nothing you couldn't have told me in the hallways." he coolly responded. He may have been right, had he not had the tendency to never speak when walking by someone, and only wink at people who said hello to him in those circumstances.

I sighed. "Maybe." I conceded.

"I'm listening."

"I'm still trying to figure out what it is." I confessed. "So… you know how I want to be with Nicole?"

"Yes." he replied simply, looking at me. Wow. No 'this ought to be good' or any other quip. Maybe this is why I liked him.

"Let's say… Okay, first of all, can this be off the record?"

"You're going to need to put a lid on the number of 'off the record' things you tell me, Adam." he replied seriously. "I only need to get fired once for serious consequences to happen." He stared at me for a bit. "Be vague. Go."

That was fair enough, I thought to myself as I shrugged. "Okay. Vague." I said to myself, formulating the story. "So, there's this girl. I'm totally not mentioning her name. Just a girl, you don't know her. And she has… she's cute. I think things are going well between her and I. I'm gonna try asking her out soon."

"Would this girl's past suggest you shouldn't?" Salvador asked me, with just the slightest twinkle in his eye, suggesting he enjoyed the ambiguity of the situation.

"A week ago, I would have said yes. But some information has come up. I never would have thought it, but this girl digs me. I heard her talking to a… talking to a friend about asking me out. So I figured she may be a little shy, and thought that I'll just ask her out myself instead."

"Sounds like an open-and-shut case." Salvador observed.

I nodded. "It's just that there's been a few more complications that have come up. She's… she has a problem."

"What kind of problem?"

"The kind that would rank second-highest in the country for people fifteen to twenty-four." I said, relieved I knew the statistic well enough to remain ambiguous and not have to say the word out loud.

Salvador's eyes focused and he leaned forward. "Are we talking about suicidal tendencies?"

"Well, there goes 'ambiguous.'" I muttered.

"Adam, I'm disappointed in you." Salvador said with a cold voice. "I was being ambiguous for your sake. I didn't realize someone's life was on the line. This is more than my obligation as a person, this is my obligation as a human being."

I stared down at the floor. "I mean… I just…" I muttered.

"I can't make any exceptions here. I'm going to phone the school counsellor when you're gone, and inform her that Nicole Baker is expressing suicidal tendencies. Is this information true? If not, correct me immediately." He started busily writing something down on a separate sheet.

"No one, even a school counsellor – hell, especially a school counsellor, could make Nicole comfortable with that. She clams up when I bring up anything remotely sincere. What makes you think this won't make things worse?" I piped up.

He stopped writing. "Adam, I understand your frustration. In your attempt to make things as comfortable as possible for Nicole, you're seeing things through her perspective. Normally, that would be mature of you. However, Nicole is very disproportionately anti-establishment. Why do you think we have a counsellor employed here?"

"Well, I'm sure the counsellor helps most people, but Nicole…" I trailed off.

"She's a human being with psychiatric problems. You admitted that yourself. Not even just here. She has difficulty at making and maintaining social relationships as a result of abandonment issues." I opened my mouth to talk, but Salvador pointed his pencil at me with a surprising amount of force. "You told me that yourself. Don't try to back out of this just because you don't understand what she needs."

"I…" I started lamely. "I thought…"

"You thought what?" Salvador responded, finishing his write-up and looking at me.

"I thought that maybe if she had someone, a shoulder to cry on… she'd get better…"

Salvador sighed and gave me a sad smile, the likes of which I had never seen from him. "Adam, I know you care deeply about her, but you can not even think about being her savior. Do you understand?"

I blinked rapidly to hold back tears. "I just don't want to risk something that may not make her feel better."

"I understand that. Truly, I do." He took off his glasses and wiped them absentmindedly. "I've seen couples come in and out of my office that didn't have a tenth of the commitment and feeling you two have. If your stories are true."

"They are, I promise."

"Not the point. But you don't know how to fix her. Blind support can only get some people so far. The reason they call depression a mental illness is because only some perceived 'cures' can truly cure it. Our school counsellor has received training for years on the subject, and has helped dozens of students with surviving through their depression. Do you have any training or experience like that?"

I stayed silent.

"You don't. I understand that you want to be the one to help her through it. She means a lot to you. You mean a lot to her. She trusts you more than anyone you know. It should be you, if anyone, that can help her. That's what you think, isn't it?"

I nodded meekly.

"But you don't know how to do it. You worry if the counsellor can't help her, but the fact of the matter is, the counsellor has a better chance than you do. Imagine you try to help her, and you screw up, and make things worse for her. Let alone what she would do, would you be able to live with yourself?

My mouth was dry. "Okay, I get it." I croaked.

"Again, I understand why you want to help her. That's noble. But if you truly want to help, pass the torch onto someone who can. Summer is starting so we may have to defer to someone, but we need to do something. It's not just my job as a teacher that's on the line here. I don't think you'd want to see this handled less than professionally."

"I understand." I admitted. "Go ahead, do what you need to do." Salvador returned to his paper, and after a few seconds of silence, a thought popped into my head. "Nicole… she's going to hate me, isn't she? She's very inward. Information about her like this getting out… she'll never forgive me."

Salvador looked up at me and nodded gravely. "I'm afraid if you're the only person she's told, even if we don't expressly say why, you're going to be implicated in this. I'm sorry, but those are the only words of comfort I can say."

"Oh, she didn't actually say anything." I clarified.

"What?"

"I noticed. Marks. Like, on her arms." I pointed at my arms to demonstrate.

"I see." he slowly replied. "And you're sure they can only be one thing?"

"Yeah." I quietly replied. "It was more than one time. They were always in slightly different places so they were always new. And they were, uh, y'know, vertical." It was hard not to choke on my words.

"Okay. There may be a way we can talk to her where you don't have to be directly implicated, if you so wish." Salvador absentmindedly said as he jotted down some notes, before looking at me. "Are you okay?"

"Of course I'm not fucking okay, what kind of question is that?!" I lashed out before tears began to stream down my face. "I'm scared, Mr. Salvador. I don't want to lose her."

"And now that you've told me about this and I'm enlisting professional help, that will become less of a possibility." he calmly retorted. He reached forward and grabbed a hand of mine on the table. "It will be okay."

I shook his hand away. "I hope." I muttered, trying to get the tears out of my eyes.

"It doesn't matter if Nicole is anti-establishment. This will help her." Salvador responded. "Students get this idea that adults don't know how things work. They think that they could teach better than teachers, that counsellors can't help students, and yet here we are." He gestured around him. "We were teenagers once too. We take this into account. iPhones and Facebook don't change the fundamentals of human nature. Nicole can pretend no one understands her all she likes, but… I'm sure I don't need to tell you she sometimes gets wrapped up in her own emotional walls and becomes hypocritical or self-deprecating."

I shrugged. "I guess," I flatly said, not wanting to admit to him just how right he was.

"This very meeting shows that. If she was open about her feelings, it's possible you wouldn't need to come here at all. It's why being honest about yourself helps you in the end."

"I didn't realize I was going to get a rant about how to be a good person." I retorted.

"If you already knew this, I wouldn't be telling you." Salvador responded, staring daggers at me. "The good news is, she will get the help she needs." He clasped his hands together in front of him. "What about you?"

"What about me what?" I asked, my face blank, the evidence of tears almost invisible at this point.

"I didn't start meeting with you with the intention of doing this until you graduated." he told me. "Are you in a stable place right now?"

I thought about it for a second, and began to nod slowly. "I think so." I replied.

"Do these meetings need to continue?"

I was so used to these meetings, I think I began to depend on them. That said, I knew that was the opposite of what was supposed to happen. Salvador was trying to get me back on my feet, not cut me off at the knees. I knew as well as he did that if I showed I was getting attached or anything, he would stop the meetings in an uncomfortable way. I would have liked to have a few more meetings…

But that was just it. I would have liked it. Not 'I needed it,' not 'I couldn't function without it.' They were becoming a comfort to me. And here we were, the culmination. I still didn't like it, but I guess Nicole was getting professional help now. Maybe Salvador was right, maybe this would help her. I guess if I was going to be VP of the Student Council, I needed to put a little more faith in my school. Maybe they would help her. Hell, maybe they could cure her. The more I thought about it, the more I understood what Salvador was saying. I didn't know the first thing about talking to someone with depression. And yet I talked to one all this time, and didn't know it. Then, after I knew it, I just denied it, all this time…

"Do these meetings need to continue?" Salvador repeated with purpose.

I looked up suddenly at him, snapping out of my thoughts. "No." I responded. "They don't."

"Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm genuinely glad to hear that." he flashed me a small smile. "Do you feel better overall?"

"Yes."

"Do you feel able to carry on by yourself?"

"I'm the VP now. I gotta carry the school, let alone myself. Yeah, I feel able to do that."

Alright." Salvador stood up from his desk and extended a hand to me. I got up myself and shook his hand. He had one hell of a firm grip.

Salvador looked my face over. "I sincerely hope you're thinking of taking drama next year." he commented emotionlessly. "I think you have what it takes."

"What does it take?" I asked him.

"What you have." he simply replied, sitting back down. "Is there anything else you need?"

I chuckled internally. "No, nothing." I replied, picking up my bag. "I'll see you next year, I guess."

"Goodbye." Salvador replied, looking me in the eye. Finally hearing him say it hit me harder than expected. It was amazing the power a single word had if it was withheld for long enough. I didn't say anything more, I just left. It didn't feel right to stay any longer than that.

***

Nicole had promised she'd meet me in the main hallway. It didn't make sense. She was never late. If anything, she had a tendency to be annoyingly early. If I had known she would be this late, I would have skipped the meeting with Salvador and just went home on the bus.

I shivered I remained sitting on the main hallway bench. If I had skipped the meeting… Salvador's words sunk into me. Maybe I was just really naive and fell for whoever presented their case the best, but I had gone from agreeing with Nicole's 'fuck the system' attitude to being fully on Salvador's side within a split second. Maybe I was just being naive. I shrugged to myself – as long as Nicole got better, I would be happy.

Although a ride wouldn't hurt. I glanced at the clock. 4:30pm. My meeting with Salvador couldn't have possible gone past 4. Where could she have been? My inability to sit still was getting to me. Over the next five minutes I went from fidgety to pacing around the hallway to deciding to walk up and down the halls.

I walked up and down the 100 hallway first (the basement, where every room had a 1 in front of it), then the 300 hallway, and finally the 200 hallway.

I came upon a familiar room – Room 203. I gave the room a sad, strange smile as I approached it – there were a lot of memories caused by that place. Sex, violence, angst, sadness… What a weird year. What a weird place. Did politics make students do this?

"Looking back on fond memories?" came an ominously familiar voice. I whipped around to see the face of pure evil, Phil Love, with a surprisingly soft facial expression.

"You." I barely choked out.

"Or are you just thinking of next year as VP?" he continued as if I said nothing.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him quietly and defensively.

"I was looking for you. Nicole said you'd be around here. I got her to get you somewhere alone where we could talk."

"I don't want to talk to you." I replied coldly.

"Tough." Phil said, walking towards me. Instinctively, I got out of the way, watching him as he unlocked the door to the student council room. He gestured with a hand, inviting me in. I shook my head no.

"I don't want to talk to you. You need help."

"Adam, I'm not going to ask you again. This conversation is important. I have other shit I could be doing right now." Phil insisted.

"I don't want to talk to you." I stood my ground.

"And you think I do?!" he all but shouted. We remained silent for a few seconds. "This whole situation is… soup. It's a soup of stupid shit and… stuff. Look, Nicole isn't going to come back until I summon her. It's either wait in the hallway for a girl that is not coming, or have a small chat with me."

"Or call my mom and get a ride home."

"Yeah, if you wanna take the undiplomatic bitch route." he countered.

"Yeah, like you know anything about being diplomatic." I spat back.

"See? We're having a conversation." he gestured between us. "I dunno about you, but I've had a siht day. If we're gonna talk it out, it may as well be on chairs." He walked in after finishing his sentence. Sighing, I followed, more out of feeling trapped than anything.

He sat down on the main desk, with me taking a seat in front of him. "So," he began, "Do you wanna begin by saying anything?"

"Yeah, fine. I do. I used to trust you. I used to look up to you. I don't get how you can do what you did and feel okay with it. The way you treat Nicole is inhuman. Especially knowing how your own brother treated her, I don't get how you can look at yourself in the mirror without wanting to smash it. You've taken a mistreated girl and made her into your own nubile bitch just because you could. That's not just being a douche-canoe, that's being morally fucking bankrupt. I could forgive everything you did to me if it weren't for how you also treat Nicole. I cry, I complain, I get jealous, but I carry on. Nicole is going to need counseling now for the shit people like you put her through. Imagine if she-"

I cut myself off. I couldn't mention her suicidal tendencies, not to Phil. He'd do something. Something. Anything. Anything that Phil would do, armed with that information, was something I didn't want to see if I was alive. I looked up at Phil to see that he was intently listening, arms crossed while sitting on the desk.

"Imagine if she did this to you. You hate her, but you obey her every word. You feel trapped by her. You feel bound to her, but every second you want to escape. You've made her life empty to make yours just a little bit more overflowing with fucking nice things and privilege and shit."

"You had me until 'nice things.'" Phil mumbled to himself. "Great. I'm glad you got that off your chest."

"Did you even listen to me?!"

"I listened to you, man." Phil replied, surprisingly coolly. "It's nice to know that's what you think, since after all, I mean, you're on the outside. Do you think I'm bad? Did you ever hear about last year's President?"

"I don't care about last year's president. You're the one preaching about representing the school well. You shouldn't be justifying your own terrible behavior because some dude may have been worse."

Phil chuckled. "Fair point." He sighed, and uncrossed his arms. "Hey, listen. It gets worse. I didn't just drive Nicole to try to get you to resign, I ordered it. I got her to start that fight with you." He stood up. "Yeah, I know about the fight. I know how she asked you to resign as VP. The initial plan was to get you to quit on your own, but, you being you, you just wouldn't. Kudos, by the way."

At this point he was pacing in front of me. I said nothing, just stared him down. I guess he took this as some kind of surprise.

"Look, I know. I just wanted to get back at those punk bitches who voted me out. All I wanted was to be the President, bring integrity back to the student council office."

"You fucking think 'bringing integrity back' means stabbing fellow council members in the back when things don't go your way?! That's the opposite of integrity!" I shouted.

"Do you think making decisions like that is easy?" he yelled back in my face. "Welcome to the game, move your pieces across the board and obey the rules or you're out of the game. You can't avoid shit like that. Ding-dong. That's the real world waiting for you. Wait until next year when you're VP. You're going to see just how fucking bad it can get. One little slip and boom, suddenly, you're off the council, everyone hates you, God knows what's going to happen to my scholarship."

"I wouldn't call raping a girl 'one little slip.'"

"Oh, just shut up." Phil dismissed me annoyedly. We stood in silence for a bit before he piped up again. "I just wanted to say congratulations. You're a good guy, I'm glad you're staying as VP. I'm sorry I tried to have you booted and all that."

"You can make it up to me." I found myself saying.

"Huh?"

My voice was small, but powerful. "I have no reason to trust you on this, but you could give me your word. Give me your word that you won't boss around Nicole even once more, and we'll call it even."

Phil found his way back to the desk and sat back down. "I don't see what I get from this transaction."

"You don't." I simply said. "You've been taking a lot lately, Mr. President. It sure would be nice to give back to the school for once."

Phil laughed and crossed his arms. "You're wrong on so many levels. First of all, you are not the school. Secondly, you're no angel yourself. You've been involved in more scandals for a freshman than the rest of the council at your age combined. Thirdly, I've been an amazing fucking president. It just had to end on a shitty note because the rest of the council has been conditioned to vote me out."

"Conditioned?!" I asked incredulously. "In what way were they conditioned?"

"They were. Believe me, they were." Phil replied, staring off into space.

I could see that Phil had history with this place. I'm sure if he were anything other than the world's biggest slimeball, I may have even felt sorry for him.

"Listen." he said after a period of silence, leaning in to face me. "You think I like this? You think I like chopping my balls off in front of somebody I'm never even gonna see again? This is the fucking worst for me. I get you're not comfortable, but I'm not either."

"Then leave, why do you gotta stay here?" I rebutted.

"Because I feel bad, okay? I feel bad for you, I feel bad for Nicole. I don't need you to tell me I'm a bad person." He was clearly getting flustered at this point. "Look, you and Megan, yeah? You guys were together under the guise of a relationship."

"What does Mega-"

"Just shut up for a bit, and listen. Just shu- just shut up, alright?" He was rapidly moving from 'flustered' to 'unhinged.' "It wasn't quite a relationship, was it?"

Silence filled the air. "Do I still have to shut up?"

"No."

"No, of course it wasn't."

"Then that blowjob happened. She forgave you, but there was some kind of imbalance. Did you ever feel bad? Like you were turning her into a slut or something?"

Ouch. Bullseye. "Maybe." I cautiously replied.

"Don't bullshit me with that 'maybe' crap. Okay? Yes or no. Cards on the table."

"Yes."

"Yes. Yes, okay? Nicole and I – same way. Again, you don't need to tell me shit. I already know. I am already fully aware of what I did. Thing is – once I started, I couldn't stop. Once you figure out you have the most powerful girl in the school at your command, you'll have the answer to fucking everything. And once you do, you're gonna get tempted to use that answer for everything."

"So you're saying the fact that you had Nicole at your command justifies what you did?" I asked, for some reason adopting a softer tone.

"Not justifies." Phil said, pausing. "Explains. Look, dude. We could talk in circle, re-explain that I'm a bad guy, but I get it. I don't see anyone else here. Who are you trying to convince?"

"So what's the point of telling me this?" I asked him.

"I just want you to understand. Go ahead and preach from your ivory tower, but when your life as going as shitty as mine, and you have an easy way out, you'd take it. I bet you anything you'd take it. Have you never taken advantage of Nicole's nature before? Bet you have."

"Don't paint me into a corner here. The only times I have done anything even close is because she offered or suggested I could use her or-"

I'm not sure whether I stopped first or couldn't get another word out because Phil interrupted me. "And if she did that with someone else, to a bigger degree, could you understand why they said yes?"

We sat in silence. Phil had changed his expression to a patient smile.

"You're telling me that Nicole offered you this subservience?"

"Back when we were still a thing. We kinda organically discovered the whole master-servant thing. And boy, did Nicole ever like it. I found out even after it ended that she still couldn't resist. And I was still mad at her for breaking up with me, so…"

"So you too couldn't resist?" I offered.

Phil grinned. "We were equal parts the creator. Suddenly I had a girl telling me she'd do anything for me. The only time she didn't was at the party itself."

"Gee, I wonder why." I muttered.

"You know what, fuck you. Say what you want, I'll defend 'til I die that I didn't rape her." Phil proudly replied. "Anyway, even after the party's fallout, she agreed to try her hardest to overturn the voting process. When that doesn't work, my mind clouded and I went to revenge."

"Why me though?!" I asked in disbelief. "I voted to keep you on!"

"Yeah? Well… I wasn't informed of that." Phil admitted defeatedly. "I only found that out after."

"Cool." I threw up my hands. "Great, as you would say. So you just went around willy-nilly in a blind rage, not caring who you took down with you. All because you had Nicole doing your every will."

He shrugged. "Absolute power corrupts absolutely."

I sighed and shook my head.

"Look Adam, fuck you. At least I'm being honest with this shit. I have the balls to look you in the face and tell you. You think it doesn't kill me inside that I know you and Nicole will end up together after all this is finished?!"

"So in turn, you decide to kill me on the inside by making her blow you while you know I'm watching?!"

"Yeah, I fucking do!" he exploded. "How does it fucking feel? Good thing didn't spend an extra whole year trying to win her over, only to have some geek who's three years younger than you with no social skills get picked up by her just because he's 'little brother' cute. I bet that would have felt like complete shit."

"I couldn't control that. You absolutely could control making me feel like shit."

"I stopped giving a shit about your feelings when Megan blew you, dude. You clearly didn't care about me since you kept doing things that made me look awful for just keeping you on the team. I fucking stood up for you because it was right. You know where that got me? Jeff had a discussion about taking that decision up with Mr. Scott. How would that have gone?" He sniffed the air. "Smell that? Smells like impeachment. Every fucking time, I try to be the good guy, and every fucking time, it bites me in the ass." Tears were in his eyes now. "Like, just bear with me here. Imagine if I was just talking with May, thinking that I would be the one older guy she trusts. Imagine if she sees an in and fucking cries wolf. What fucking then, man?! What then?!" He wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "Fuck, the only time I got to have my way was when I bent the rules. Maybe that's why so many politicians do. It's the only way out. I've seen the light, man. I've seen the fucking light."

He wiped his eyes again. "I just didn't want you to get caught up in this. You've been through enough shit. I'm just… sorry. You've been weird, and kind of a dick in your own right, but I'm sorry."

I hated Phil for winning me over, but part of me felt genuinely sorry for him. He was a dick, but dick or not, he didn't seem like he was having the best time for it. "I'm sorry for my part in it too." I replied reluctantly.

"Don't apologize. It was just fate. I get…" he cleared his throat. "Well, fuck, you already know. So like, on my end it's my fault. You, you're just a geek who seems to be everywhere. Either you're way craftier than you look, no offense, or it's just because you and Nicole are a thing."

I shrugged. It was kind of true. Everything weird that happened this year could be traced back to Nicole in one way or another.

"This isn't high school. I just want you to know that."

"Huh?" I didn't get what the heck he was on about.

"Like, this." he gestured around him. "All of this. What's happening every day around you. It's not normal high school. You kind of got a shitty grade nine year. It happens. And hey, maybe it's more common in student council. But not in regular high school. This whole year was really weird. If you're going to say as VP, especially with Nicole, it's probably going to get more weird."

"Yeah, especially since she'll be 'thinking of you' the whole time she'll be with me." I shot back at him bitterly.

He sighed. "Look, I'm sorry for that too. You and I both know it's not true. I just said it because of the hotheaded thing. Deep down, I know she'll forget me within a few months. Probably to be replaced by you." He suddenly got up and grabbed me by the shoulders. "If nothing else, understand how fucking shitty that is for me. I fucking love her, man."

Jeez, Nicole was one hell of a heartbreaker.

"And I get that it's impossible to stop you two now. I literally ordered her to break things off with you, and she obeys my every word, and she couldn't do that."

Things started to dawn on me. "So once the illusion of your power was broken, that's when you could see what you did and wanted to apologize."

Phil shrugged with a sad smile. "Sorta, yeah." He straightened himself up. "Look, dude. In a couple days you won't even be seeing me around anymore. I'll be gone. It just wouldn't be right to leave things as they are."

"So what are you asking?" I asked him.

He shrugged. "You know what, I don't even know anymore. A truce?"

"I didn't realize we were fighting."

Phil chuckled to himself. "When have we not been fighting in some way?"

I chuckled too. "Yeah, true."

"So, how about it? We leave each other on a good note?"

I chewed my upper lip and let time pass us, then sighed. "No." I finally concluded. "I just can't. Not after the shit you pulled. I know you want to erase the past and act like it never happened, but it's not my style. I appreciate you being honest and having this talk with me, but you took things a bit too far."

Phil didn't say anything for a long time. "Okay then." he finally said quietly. "Have it your way. I won't lose any sleep for this. I'm gonna go text Nicole, and you can be on your way then. Sound good?" He hopped up off the desk and started to walk out of the room.

"Remember my earlier deal?" I asked him just before he walked out of the room.

"To leave Nicole alone?"

"Yeah."

"Is that what you're asking of me in return for this truce?"

I trailed my eyes up from the floor to meet his. "No. I'm asking you to do this so that you can be a kind human being again."

A smile slowly spread its way across Phil's lips. "You talk like you're anybody but you, you know that?" he asked me.

"It's the only way I've found to get shit done." I replied.

"Condescending tone aside, maybe I'll do that. Guess I can't ask for respect – I gotta earn it. But you remember this – Phil Love was a damn good president. And maybe it took him until the end of the year to do it, but he was a good person too." He disappeared from the doorway into the hallway. "In five minutes Nicole will be in the main hallway." his voice echoed, getting quieter and quieter as he walked farther away. "She'll find it's the last thing I ever ask of her. Treat her right, man."

I could do nothing but shake my head as I tried to wrap my head around the conversation. It wasn't too much of Phil to ask me to think of him as a good person, but… well, as he said, he was leaving soon. How I thought of him wouldn't really impact him down the line, so in the end, it was okay to see him as I did.