Four

"Only one I love so much could be my assassin" - Anonymous

Anger, pain, sadness - so intertwined that perhaps their names aught to be tweaked to reflect the true origins of those emotions.

Philicia sat on her bed, her head, seeming quite too heavy for her fragile neck to convey. She was tired, that it could be approachingly equated to insanity.

For Philicia, she wished her body to temporarily dislocate her spirit from her weakened body, as if asking the creator of her being to take her out of her mortal cell for just a short while, letting her soul go wherever souls go to be.

She is a fairly brave person, she is, but sometimes she just don't wanna feel the process of recovery all over again. She knew she would wake up the next day and continue the cycle that has always been, just like other days.

Feeling okay in the morning, it's simply a level of worn-out-ness that hurts.

Everything around her seemed to be spinning. Nothing seemed to be in its place anymore. It was as if the earth was in motion and everything was moving along with it.

Her eyes delightfully closed, her body convulsing as if in utter agony. Tears of despondency slowly cascaded down her cheeks leaving her so weak and frail.

Tears started falling, with no intent on deterring. It was as if her tears knew her dilemma and yearned to alleviate her from her inner suffering.

And she didn't stop it, instead she let it fall.

Being an orphan was not sufficient, she further had to lose the only man she loved with all her heart.

She lost the only man that she thought would be her family in this lonely and cruel world. But now, she had no cause to live anymore. Her life meant nothing without him.

How could she move on?

*****

In the half-light, Mathias looked like the shadow he'd become. Hunched over the baggage he could be anybody, and in a way, Philia guessed he was. She took their bond for granted, and in her naivety, she thought it was unbreakable.

But when that bus pulled away, it wasn't only broken, but shattered into fragments more numerous than the stars. She wanted to beg, plead, get down on her knees and tell him that he held the key to her heart , that their love had meaning, but she knew that face. It is the one he wears when his ears are closed and his mind had put up barriers to all new information. So no matter what she said, it will only push him further away.

So when she walked closer, it was with a mask of contentment. She wished him well with the voice that came so naturally before his plan to do great things far away, it sounds like her but it wasn't. Philia was already in transition to become a person she never wanted to be. The bitterness was rising like bile into her mouth and when he was gone, she will have no reason to swallow it anymore.

He left.....

He really left her.

After all they had been through. He did not even consider how she would move on from him. She fell on her knees as she watched the love of her life leave her through that bus.

He left her with no one, all alone with no encouragement...no ounce of strength to live.

If she knew this would happen, she would never had met his devil of a friend who wanted her all to himself due to selfish reasons. Philia told him she only belonged to Mathias, but when this filthy fool saw he would not be getting her due to her resilience, he planted a doubt in Matthias's mind.

And he won.

He has broken them apart.

****

Small ragged gasps were escaping her throat. Her palms pressed against her throat as she thought she will die. She could feel her esophagus closing.

Philicia cried out as her hands squeezed her neck as tight as she could go, willing to stop the pain, the torture. She gripped her skinny neck with my fingers, squeezing tightly.

She had to end it.....it was too painful to bear. She got up and raced to her cupboard, opening it in search of a cloth strong enough to kill her.

Finding the perfect one, she pushed a chair forward and stood on it, placing the cloth on the fan. Her eyes were closed as she prayed her last prayer. Opening her eyes in an attempt to jump, someone grabbed her, a hand on her neck.

Philicia kept struggling, wanting to free herself from the strong clutched of the person holding her. A cloth was placed in her lips, feeling her consciousness slowly fading.

Her eyes slowly closed, but her ears heard the deepest voice she had ever heard.

"Mine"