Chapter Seven

(Axel)

Everyone has things that they don't want to say out loud. Things that made them feel worthless and used. It's going to take a while for me to tell him anything about me.

I finish putting everything up, and make my way up to Lucian's room. I pull out my journal and flip through the happy pages. I go to the very end, and write down all of the bad things that happened today, as well as my negative thoughts. Lucian ends up being in most of them. I can't believe that he referred to my problems as 'daddy issues'… of course I won't say anything about it… but it hurt.

I scribble down my thoughts in my journal, letting tears roll down my face and splatter on the pages. I don't bother to wipe them as I continue, barely able to see what I'm writing.

It's about how Lucian touched me… and the way he talked to me. It was just an innocent touch, and playful teasing, but it reminded me of things that I'd rather forget. It reminded me of the way that someone else's hand touched me the same way… and of the way that he used to talk down to me, belittling any feelings that I had.

Lucian reminded me why I don't eat candy anymore… because children are tricked into thinking that they're rewarded when they do something good. Their rewarded with sweets because that's what they want… sweets are what I wanted, and he always gave me candy when he was done with me. Now the taste of sugar in my mouth just reminds me of what happened. It's like he was praising me for being good. For not pushing him away. For not screaming too loud.

It must've been a while since I started writing because eventually, I ran out of pages to put my ramblings down on. Instead, I resort to curling up with it close to my chest, crying uncontrollably.

I always thought that I wanted to be left alone, but now that I'm here, drowning in my own thoughts and memories, I wish that there was someone to help me.

My head snaps up quickly when I hear the door open, and I quickly try to act like I'm alright. I hide my journal before he can see me, but as soon as I lean up, I know that he notices my tears.

I reach my hands up, wiping my eyes and sniffling, hoping that he doesn't question it. He looks at me with an unreadable expression before walking back out of the room in silence.

For a moment, I think I scared him off or annoyed him in some way, but minutes later he walks back in with a washcloth and his phone in his hand. He sits in front of me on the bed and reaches out, but quickly stops himself before touching me.

"Can I…?" He trails off in a whisper, nodding to the washcloth.

I nod my head, keeping my mouth shut in fear of telling him things that I don't want him to know.

He gently places his hand on my cheek and uses the other to carefully wipe away my tears. Once he pulls away, he picks up his phone and starts to play old and slow songs sung by artist like Frank Sinatra or Louis Armstrong, quiet and low music that I didn't expect him to listen to. He places his phone to the side and looks as if he's not sure what to do.

"Do you want me to leave you alone?"

My eyes widen, and I reach out to grab his hand quickly. "No! I uh... please don't leave. P-please… just stay with me?" I beg, feeling tears prick my eyes again.

I don't want to be alone. When I'm alone, I think… I don't like that. I don't like thinking.

He reaches up and wipes the forming tears away with his thumb, nodding in response. "Of course… this might be a weird question but… can I hold you?"

I debate shaking my head, and pulling him closer, but I'm not sure what I want. I hate being close to people, but I'm starting to hate being alone too. Maybe Lucian won't hurt me. Maybe it's been long enough… I want to give him a chance. If he hurts me… I don't know if I'll be able to come back from it. I won't lie… I'm already broken. If I trust Lucian, and he ends up being just like everyone else… I'd be completely shattered.

"Please just… don't let go." I whisper, letting him wrap his arms around me. I lay my head on his chest, and sigh calmly.

Surprisingly… I feel safe. He gently runs his fingers through my hair and turns to turn off the lights before being cautious with each movement he makes. It's as if he's trying to be gentle and careful with me, as if I'm a fragile object that could break in one single touch.

"You're safe…" He mumbles, rubbing circles into my back. "I won't let anything or anyone hurt you anymore."

"Thank you." I mumble, getting closer so that I'm completely engulfed in his body heat… and he said that he was always cold. I hope that I made the right decision. I don't want to get hurt again.